Vivienne's Guilt (7 page)

After getting off of the plane, I make my way over to the baggage area and see a poster with my name on it in colorful bubble letters held up by a woman, who I’m assuming is Aunt Viv. She’s dressed in a simple pink tank top and jean shorts with flip flops. Her hair is in long waves down her back and those legs...long, lean, and toned that top off a perfectly round ass.
Fuck.
When did Aunt Viv get so hot?

“Looking for me?” I ask as I walk up to meet her and Tillie, who is bouncing around her feet.

Vivienne looks up from her daughter, and when our eyes meet, my heart starts thudding in my chest. She’s fucking gorgeous.
What the fuck am I thinking? This isn’t just some girl. This is my aunt. My dead uncle’s wife.

She looks at me strangely, and I’m wondering if she’s feeling the same pull, or worse. Maybe she can read my mind. But, that’s just stupid. She seems to catch hold of her thoughts when she pulls me into a tight hug. “Reid. It’s so good to see you. Thank you so much for coming.”

And sick fuck that I am, all I can think about is how great her tits feel pressed up against my chest. How right my arms feel wrapped around her tiny waist.
I need to get a fucking grip.

“Mommy,” Tillie calls to her mother, and it’s exactly the bucket of ice cold water I need.

“Yeah, baby?” Viv answers.

“Why does Reid look like my daddy?”

Vivienne

When I look up to see Reid’s face—
Abbott’s face—
I’m momentarily struck stupid. For a second, I forget how to breathe. It’s all still so fresh, so raw. It’s hard enough to see his face on Tillie day in and day out, but on another man...it’s physically painful. When Tillie voices my thoughts aloud, it’s like a punch to the gut.

Thank God Reid answers because I can’t seem to find my voice.

“Because Reid’s a lucky guy,” he says, ruffling her hair. “And you are a lucky girl. We Parkers all look alike,” he adds with a shrug. “Good genes.”

“You have good pants?” she asks, confused. “I’m not wearing pants, silly. This is a dress, and it’s pink. Do you like pink?” Tillie questions while batting her long lashes at him.

Just roll with it,
I mouth to Reid, laughing silently.

He smiles and answers, “As a matter fact, I do like pink, Miss Tillie, and I love your dress.” He compliments my daughter and my heart warms to him instantly.

“Okay,” Tillie says. “Good. Cuz pink is our favorite, right, Mommy?”

“It sure is,” I answer. Then, addressing them both, I say, “Come on, kiddos, let’s get out of here!”

I do my best not to look at Reid on the way home from the airport. It’s doing crazy things to my emotions and confusing the hell out of me. Each time I catch a glimpse of him in my peripheral, it’s a shock to my heart. It’s hard not to envision Abbott riding alongside me, where he has so many times before.

“So, Reid, how was your flight?” I ask while keeping my eyes straight ahead on the road.

“Well, I slept right through it,” he laughs. “So, I’d say it was pretty good.”

“Yeah, I’d say so. It was an early flight.”

“It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t spent half the night on the phone with my girl. She isn’t taking my leaving too well. You know how chicks are,” he answers, sounding just like the eighteen-year-old that he is. His juvenile language reminds me that this is not Abbott, and these feelings are completely unwarranted.

“I’m sorry, Reid. Maybe you can have her come out for a few days in a couple of weeks once we get things situated. You’ll have your own space in the pool house. It would be a nice vacation for her.”

“Yeah? I might do that. Let’s see how things go. You wouldn’t mind?” he asks, looking a little skeptical. “Are you sure?”

“Of course. You’re an adult. As long as it doesn’t interfere with your work at the camp, then I don’t see why not. I already feel bad that you’ll be here working all summer. I mean, I appreciate it more than you know. But I was eighteen once. You should be having some fun, too.”

“It’s not a problem, Aunt Viv. I’m happy to help.”

Once we get back to the house, I carry my sleeping daughter to her room and grab the baby monitor from her dresser. Then, I lead Reid out back to the pool house so that we can get him settled in.

“Wow, Aunt Viv. This place is awesome. I’d never want to leave the backyard,” he says as he scopes out the pool area.

“That was the idea, Reid.” I smile at his excitement. “And this,” I say as I wave my arm in front of the pool house, “is where you’ll be staying.”

“No way.”

“Yes way. Let me show you around. Come on in.” I wiggle the key into the lock, pop the door open, and usher him inside. “This is the game room, which will serve as your living room. There’s a PlayStation and an X-Box in that console over there and a ton of games. The TV has satellite, and there’s a channel guide in the drawer over there.” I point to the end table beside the couch.

“Awesome,” Reid says with genuine enthusiasm. “Do you play?” he asks, looking over at the pool table in the corner of the room.

“I love it. Abbott and I played often,” I answer wistfully.

“Well, maybe you can show me sometime?” Reid asks, moving closer. “I’ve never played. Always wanted to learn.”

“Sure, I’d like that.” I force a smile and wonder if he can tell how nervous he makes me. My arms and legs are beginning to tingle, and I can feel the nausea setting in. I need to get this over with and get away from this boy for a bit.
Get your shit together, Viv.

“Good,” Reid says, coming closer still.

I smile and then quickly turn and show him his room, bathroom, and kitchenette area. “I’m sorry you don’t have a full kitchen in here. But you have a fridge and a microwave, and you’re welcome to have all meals with us up at the house and to come and go as you please. I wanted you to have your own space but don’t feel like you have to stay in here if you’re bored and want to hang out or talk, or if you need any food, drinks, anything at all. Make yourself at home, Reid.”

“I will. Thank you. This is all really cool.”

“You’re welcome,” I say, handing him a set of keys. “The keys are labeled. There’s one for the pool house, the main house, and the storage building near the pavilion. You may need the last one for work,” I add. “I’m going to run back to the house and check on Tillie. Come on over whenever you want. Dinner will be at 6:00. My best friend, Cassie, is coming over, and she’s looking forward to meeting you,” I say as I back my way out of the door.

“Sounds good, Aunt Viv. I’ll probably lounge around for a bit and check in with my folks. I’ll see you ladies at 6:00.”

“Perfect,” I answer then walk back to my house as fast as my legs will take me.

I climb the stairs to my bedroom and grab a pill from the bedside table and swallow it down with some water. My face is flushed, and my heart is racing.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I reacting this way to my nephew?

I didn’t expect...shit...I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect to feel...uncomfortable around him. I didn’t expect him to look exactly like my dead husband. Surely, I am only feeling these things out of loneliness. Because I am missing Abbott so much.

I fall onto my bed and cry for what I’ve lost. I cry over my traitorous body and for the overwhelming guilt that I feel over it all.

Cassie gets to the house at a quarter to six, and Reid has yet to arrive. Tillie’s watching a princess movie in the living room, and when I see my best friend, the tears flow like a river.

“Oh my God, Viv. What’s wrong, babe?” she asks worriedly. “Is it Abbott?” She reaches out, rubbing my tears away with her thumbs.

I shake my head. “Yes...ugh. No? God, Cassie, I don’t even know,” I sob. “I’m feeling all these things, and they don’t feel right.” I dab my nose with a tissue. “I just...I’m a terrible person, Cassie.”

“Bullshit!” Cass yells through clenched teeth. “That is fucking bullshit, Vivienne.” She gets real close, pointing her finger in my face. “You are one of the best people I have ever known. You just lost the love of your life. You have a right to be a little messed up in the head right now. Cut yourself some slack, Momma.”

“You don’t understand, Cassie...I can’t even look at him without seeing Abbott. It’s scary how much he looks like him, and it’s freaking me the fuck out! I had to stare out of the window the whole way home...Just the slightest glance and, God...it was like—like having him back for a split second and then losing him all over again.”

“Listen, if he looks that much like Abbott, it’s no wonder you’re having a hard time. You’re not a bad person, and you aren’t doing anything wrong.” She leans over, giving me a hug, and I hold on to my best friend like my life depends on it. Painful sobs wrack my body as I cling to comfort and try to remember how to breathe.

People often say that things are “as easy as breathing.” I’ve come to hate that phrase. Those people must not know the pain of a broken heart. The way it sits on your chest and crushes your soul. The way it squeezes the air right from your lungs. Since losing Abbott, nothing in life is easy and each breath feels like a monumental task.

“Plus,” Cassie adds, “you’re on your period. All those extra hormones added to what you’re going through. You have a free pass to be a complete basket case. No one would hold it against you.”

“I know I won’t,” Reid says, coming in through the back door.

And I want to die. How long has he been standing there? What did he hear? Why do these fucking Parkers always walk up during my most embarrassing moments?

Slowly, I lift my face from Cassie’s shoulder and am met with the face of a very sincere Reid. I feel the heat in my cheeks as I apologize, “Reid. I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there.” And then I cry some more because it seems that is all I do these days.

“Don’t do that,” he says, moving farther into the room. “Please don’t be embarrassed. You’ve been through a lot, and trust me, I know what periods are,” he laughs. “I have a mom and a girlfriend. In a few hours, we’ll all laugh about this. So don’t let it bug you,” he adds. “Consider it forgotten.”

“Holy fucking shit,” Cassie whispers under her breath. “It’s like looking at Abbott eight years ago. I mean, I know you said it...but seeing it is...just...wow!” she says in disbelief. “I mean, it’s no wonder...you know...what you said. It makes sense, babe.” I love her for trying to be discrete. Maybe he only caught the tail end of our conversation.
As if I could be that lucky.

Reid sticks out his hand toward my friend. “Hi, you must be Cassie,” he says with a grin, clearly liking what he sees. “I’m Reid. But, uh...I guess you already know that right?”

“Right, yeah...hi,” Cass says, shaking his hand. “Go get cleaned up, Viv. I’ll get the table set and my best girl ready to eat.”

“What would I do without you?” I walk swiftly to my bathroom, desperate to get away. It’s been a few hours since my last one, so I pop another Xanax and wait ’til I can feel the medicine start to work before heading back downstairs to have dinner with my family.

When I return to the kitchen, I see that Cassie has dished out all of our plates, and they are already sitting around the table, deep in conversation.