Vivienne's Guilt (27 page)

The sun has begun to set and now it’s time for the real fun. I’m probably a little more excited than I should be, but I’m a guy and, well
...fire
. Back home we aren’t allowed to set off our own fireworks, and we have to go to watch the public displays. So, in honor of this momentous occasion, I went into town earlier in the week and bought a few hundred dollars’ worth of explosives. I’ve been itching to light them up ever since.

I walk past the girls all stretched out on blankets in the grass on my third and final trip down to the wharf. I deposit the last of my supplies and grab the box of sparklers first. The guy at the firework stand assured me that these would be a hit with the kids. I was a little nervous about it, but Viv just laughed and couldn’t believe that I’d never done sparklers before.

I wave them over to join me, and Vivienne pulls out one of those long tipped lighters from her bag, the ones that look like a little gun with a trigger. She hands it to me and grabs a handful of sparklers. Viv holds the first one out, and I light it. When it sparks up, I actually hop back a little in surprise.

“Shit! Are you sure you should be letting the kids handle that?” It doesn’t seem very safe to put something shooting actual sparks in the hands of toddlers. I don’t know what I expected them to do, but this definitely wasn’t it.

“Oh, you poor, deprived child,” Ms. Anderson says, chuckling on the side of me. “Can’t be you’ve never seen a sparkler before?”

A nervous lump forms in my throat. “No, ma’am, I sure haven’t. That hardly seems safe...” I fight the urge to snatch it away before Vivienne can place the flaming stick in Tillie’s waiting hand, but I know that she’d never do anything to hurt her.

When I just stand there, refusing to take my eyes off of Tillie, Vivienne grabs the lighter back and begins lighting more sparklers and handing them off to the other girls. “Here,” she says, passing one to me. “No one should go through life without twirling a sparkler.”

I shake my head to myself and smile. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. Following Viv’s lead, I hold the sparkler away from my body and spin, and the girls all follow suit. It’s like were writing on the air, each encircled by a golden band of light. To be honest, I feel like an idiot, but even I can’t deny that this is fun.

“Tell me you got Roman candles,” Cassie says after the last round of sparklers have burned out.

“Yep, they were on Viv’s list.” I jog back over to our mountain of loot and grab the two boxes of Roman candles, holding them up to show Cass.

“Bring ’em over here!” she calls, waving me back.

“Oh, oh, oh! Those are my favorite!” Tillie jumps up, trying to snatch one from Cassie’s hand. “Can I be first?”

“Hold on, baby. Let’s give Reid a turn first, okay? It’s his first time.”

Cassie hands me a cardboard tube, instructing me to face it out toward the water.

“What does it do?” I had no idea that so many different types of fireworks were made to be set off in your hands.

“You’ll see...” She lights the wick and colored balls of fire shoot out from the stick in my hands, and again I am dumbstruck that they are going to allow the girls to handle these things. When it seems that the last of the balls have shot off, I hold the stick toward the water for a little while longer...just to be sure.

Right as I begin to lower the tube to the ground, something explodes at my feet. I jump so high that I damn near fall into the lake.

Cassie, Vivienne, the girls, and even Ms. Anderson are doubled over laughing, and I still have no idea what the hell just happened.

“What the heck was that?”

“These,” Cassie says, tossing a little white pouch at the ground. “You should have seen your face.”

“I think I may need to go change my underwear,” I joke.

Vivienne takes turns lighting Roman candles with each of the kids until we’ve finished those off, too.

“What’s next?” I ask, wondering at which point we start shooting them off from the ground, the way I’ve always seen it done.

“Whatever you want.” Viv collects the trash from the ground and shoves it into a trash bag. “Those were all of the ones that the girls could help with. I’m pretty sure the rest will have to be shot off from the stand that you bought.”

They return to their blankets while I fire off dozens of fireworks. It’s a completely different experience than watching from a distance the way I’ve done in the past. It’s exciting and makes my blood rush. I guess in some ways, guys never grow up because I think that the thrill of blowing things up will always be there. The big finale is a huge box that will shoot off in rapid succession. After I light the wick, I run over to sit with the little girls on their Dora blanket. They scoot in next to me and squeal each time another one bursts into the air and colors the sky.

I glance over and find Viv cuddled up on her Momma’s side, smiling brighter than I’ve ever seen. She’s happy, and for the moment, there’s no dark cloud looming over her. It makes me wonder what she was like before. Was she always so carefree and happy? She throws her head back, laughing at something that her mom or Cassie must have said, and my God, she is beautiful. I didn’t think it was possible that she could get more beautiful. Her laugh is rich and hearty, completely unaffected. It’s the kind of laugh that you can’t help but smile when you hear it. The kind that resonates deep down into your bones.

“Hey, Reid,” Sierra says, stealing my attention. She sits down beside Korie, placing a motherly kiss to her forehead, and I get a pang in my chest at the realization that in many ways, she
is
her mother. I can’t imagine having to grow up the way that they have, with nothing and no one but each other. I don’t know why suddenly the reality of her situation is registering with me. I’ve known all summer that she’s in foster care. I guess I just never took the time to think about what that actually meant. I’m not really accustomed to thinking of anyone else if I’m being honest. It’s crazy how leaving that bubble that I grew up in has made me realize just how shallow a person I am.

“Hey, Si,” I answer, swallowing a lump of guilt. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to say thank you for the fireworks. This was really cool. I’ve never seen Korie so excited.” It doesn’t miss my attention the way she thanks me for Korie and not herself.

“You’re welcome. I’m glad she enjoyed it...and I hope you did, too.”

“Oh, I did...”

“Good.”

We sit in silence for a while, watching the fireworks from the neighbors’ yards, and after a few minutes, the little ones run off to join the women across the yard.

Sierra looks at me, nervously chewing the insides of her cheeks, the way she has a habit of doing. It’s like she wants to say something but can’t decide if she should. We’ve become pretty good friends over the past few weeks, and I’m beginning to think of her like family, so I decide to help her along. “What is it, Si? Just spit it out already.”

Her cheeks redden, and she looks over to the other blanket, making sure that no one else is paying attention to our conversation. “Well,” she says, her eyes welling up. “Umm, something happened and I just...I wanted to tell someone.”

Immediately, my head starts imagining the worst. If anyone hurt her...I can’t even go there. “It’s okay. You can tell me.”

“It’s nothing bad,” she says as tears roll down her face. I have never seen her cry before, and it makes me feel sick inside.

“Well, what is it?”

“I’m getting adopted. Both of us. We’re...we’re getting adopted.” Her right hand rises to cover her mouth like she can’t believe the words that just left her lips.

I can’t help the Cheshire cat grin that spreads across my face. “That’s great news! Do you know the people? Are you nervous?”

Sierra’s head bobs up and down, and it takes her a minute to stop crying long enough to speak. “It’s Cassie.”

“Cassie,” I repeat, stunned.

“Yeah. She pulled us aside earlier and asked how we’d feel about it...It’s good, right?”

Wow. I could tell that Cassie really cared about the girls, but I’m honestly shocked. I guess you really shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. “Good?” I ask, widening my eyes. “I think it’s great. I mean, who wouldn’t want this life?”

She smiles with her whole face. “I know, right? I can’t believe it...It won’t be right away because she has to go through classes and get certified, but in a few months...”

“She has to take classes even though she works at CPS? She’s a damn social worker.” That just seems really stupid to me. Why make these girls wait any longer than they have already?

Sierra sniffles, drying her tears with the backs of her hands. “I know. It’s dumb, but it’s okay.”

“I’m so excited for you, Sierra. I think you’re going to be really happy.”

She stares out across the yard. “Yeah...” she whispers, longingly. “Me too.”

Vivienne

“Where’s Prince Reid, Momma?” Tillie asks for what feels like the billionth time today.

“I told you already that he had football practice. He’ll be home for dinner.”

“Ughhh. It’s no fun when he’s not here.” She stomps her plastic heel on the tile and storms out of the room. I don’t even bother to correct her because I kind of wish that I could do the same.

It’s the beginning of August and the last day of camp. It’s also the end of Reid’s first week of practice. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed having him around. My stomach begins to churn when I realize that in a few weeks he will no longer be here with us at all.

Blinking back tears, I continue chopping onions to add to the gumbo. The onions are a plausible excuse if anyone were to walk in and find me crying, but I only wish that they were the true cause of my tears. The truth is, the thought of being alone in this house terrifies me.

My phone vibrates against my leg, so I dry my hands on my apron and check to see whose calling.
Hmmm
, the area code’s from back home.

“Hello.”

“Hi. This is Veronica with Anderson and Associates. Is this Vivienne?”

Anderson and Associates...haven’t heard that name in a while
. “Hi, Veronica. What bidding does my sperm donor have you doing that requires you to contact me of all people?”

She coughs, clearing her throat. “Umm, well...” she stutters. “Mr. Anderson heard about the death of your husband and wanted me to offer his condolences. He, uh, wants to know if you need any money.”
Wow. This is rich.

“Does he? And he’s so concerned about my welfare that he had his secretary call to check on me? How kind,” I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Well...he, uh. I don’t...” The poor girl is tripping all over her words, afraid to say the wrong thing and get fired, no doubt. I walk over to the window above the sink and look out toward the lake to calm my nerves before I attack this woman for things that are in no way her fault.

“So, how’d he
find out
about Abbott’s death?”

“Oh, he had lunch with a client yesterday who expressed his condolences. Imagine Mr. Anderson’s embarrassment when he had no idea what the man was talking about...” Her voice is accusatory, and now she’s beginning to really piss me off.

“Imagine that, Veronica. A man so estranged from the daughter that he abandoned as a child that he had no clue that her husband died two and a half months ago! You know...come to think of it, he probably didn’t even know she was ever married. It must be the daughter’s fault, though, right? Surely, I’m to blame for him leaving and then never hearing shit from him again, right? ”

Veronica mutters something beneath her breath that I can’t understand.

“I should’ve called this
stranger
in the midst of my grief to inform him of my husband’s passing to avoid the embarrassment that he no doubt felt in front of his colleague.”

I hear a click and turn to find Cassie standing in the doorway with a worried look on her face. My lips and hands are trembling but not with sadness. I’m livid.
The fucking nerve of this man.
“Veronica, you can tell your boss that he has never bothered to be concerned for my welfare in the past and that he need not pretend to give a shit now in the name of saving face with his associates. I’ve been just fine without him for most of my life, and I will be just as fine for the rest of it. I certainly don’t want or need his money.”

What kind of father has his secretary call his daughter upon learning that her husband died? It should hurt, but I stopped giving him that power long ago. I was only ever a nuisance...a check he was forced to write each month.

Veronica is flustered when she answers, “Thank you for your time, Mrs. Parker, and we are truly sorry for your loss.”

I laugh maniacally. “Thanks, Veronica, but please don’t attempt to humanize my father by apologizing on his behalf. I’m sure you realize as well as I have that he doesn’t give a damn about my feelings.”

I can feel Cassie’s eyes burning a hole in my back as I end the call. “Hey, Cass, how was work?” I ask, washing my hands off in the sink so that I can get back to cooking.

“Not bad,” she says, setting her things down on the counter. “What was that all about?”

“Pfffft.” I shake my head and roll my eyes. “It was nothing important. Trust me.”