I flop onto the big green chair that's just inside her door. It's a small officeâ barely enough room for a desk, armchair and a printer table.
Mom takes off her glasses and turns her chair to face me. She knows when something's bugging me. “How was school?”
“Could've been better,” I say. “Didn't see a physics quiz coming.” I examine my knuckles for a few moments.
Mom waits.
“Can I get your opinion on something?” I ask.
She leans back in her chair. “Shoot.”
“Remember when I went to Erin's party last weekend?” I begin.
She nods. “I do.”
“Well, things got a little weird. Some crazy stuff happened.” I back up and sketch out some background on how Lindsay changed over the summer. How she's been so different since the start of school. Then I tell her about how I watched Lindsay get really loaded at the party. And drop. And disappear into a bedroom with two guys.
Of course, I explain my attempts to intervene too. But even as I say the words, it comes out sounding so lame.
I wish I'd done more.
“And today I saw Josh in the hallway by the seniors' lockers,” I finish. “He has it all on camera, Mom. He was showing a whole bunch of his friends. He had his buddy Bryce record it for him. That's why two of them went into the room. One guy to mess around with Lindsay. And another guy to catch it on his camera phone.” I run my hands through my hair. Just thinking about Josh and his stupid friends gets me all steamed again.
“So what did you do after you realized he has this video?” my mother asks.
It's the question I've been dreading. I don't have an answer. At least, I don't have the right answerâor one that feels right to me.
“I thought about telling the school counselor, or the nurse,” I say. “But it almost feels like I'd be telling on Linds, you know?” I shake my head. “I thought about going to the cops. But then she'll be mad at me forever.” I let out a long sigh. “I thought about taking Josh's phone too. Except he keeps it in his jeans. I can't steal it from in there.”
“Have you told Lindsay yet? About the video?”
“No. And that's what I wanted to ask you,” I say. “Do you think I should? I was thinking it wouldn't do her any good to know. I mean, she can't do anything about it. And it would just make her feel worse than she already does.”
Mom nods. She's quiet for a moment. She clears her throat and speaks slowly, like she does when she's thinking things through. “I thinkâsince you're asking my opinionâthat you should tell Lindsay first,” she says. “Before you go to anyone else.”
“Really?” I totally didn't figure on this answer. “Why? What good is that going to do?”
“Well, you've told me Lindsay's kind of been getting out of control, right?”
I nod.
“But even so,” she continues, “she's the only person who can be responsible for her own body and behavior. It's not up to you or anyone else to look after her.”
I consider this.
“Don't get me wrong,” she says. “It's good that you're looking out for her. I know how much she means to you. You two have always been good friends. And Lindsay's going through a hard time.” Mom pauses. “But she needs a wake-up call, Mike, before things get any worse for her. I like Lindsay, and I wouldn't want to see her get hurt by this either. You owe it to her to tell her about the video. And she owes it to herself to start taking responsibility for her actions.”
“But what about Josh?” I burst out. “Shouldn't
he
be responsible for his actions?” I can feel my ears growing hot.
Mom shrugs. “That's up to Lindsay to decide. She's got to be the one to take control of this situation.” She puts her glasses back on and looks at me. “I'm not saying that this is the way it has to be, Mike. But you asked me for my opinion. And now you have it.”
She's right. I asked.
I stand. “I don't know,” I say. “I gotta think about this some more.”
“You do that, baby. Good luck with it,” she says, turning her attention back to her screen. “Let me know how it all turns out.”
“I will.”
I think about my mom's words as I head to work. She's probably right. This is Lindsay's mess.
The newspaper warehouse is hot. I'm sweating within minutes. I stop after a few dozen bundles and swipe my arm across my forehead. I decide to tell Lindsay tomorrow that she's got to go to the police. Mom's right: she's the one who should do it. I'll stand behind her and support her every inch of the way. But she's got to be the one to start that conversation.
I feel better. The knot in my stomach loosens a bit. I'm finally going to do something to help my best friend.
But even so, it doesn't feel like enough. I'm furious with Josh and Bryce. I still feel like I should do something to fix what they've done.
I pull Lindsay aside at lunch the next day. Literally. As she leaves the school with Renata and Erin, I grab her elbow. “We have to talk,” I say. I steer her toward a bench near the parking lot.
I sit. She doesn't.
She stands in front of me, arms crossed. “What's this about, Mike?” Her voice is hard. So are her eyes. It's such a change from the other night, when she was telling me how crushed she felt when she found me and Scarlett on the swing. To look at her now, you'd think I was something she couldn't wipe off her shoes.
Whatever. I'm not here to talk about how she feels about me.
“Sit down, Linds. This is serious.”
She narrows her eyes. She doesn't like me telling her what to do. But she also knows whatever I have to say must be important enough for me to have dragged her away from her friends.
She gives an irritated little sigh and perches on the edge of the bench. “Happy now?”
I ignore her bitchy tone. “You have to go to the police about what happened at the party.”
Lindsay looks like I've just slapped her. She takes a second before she responds. “What are you talking about?” Her voice is frosty.
“You know what I'm talking about,” I say. “I was there.”
I wish I didn't have to be having this conversation. But she has to know.
“Josh has a video of it on his camera phone, Linds.” I speak quietly. “Bryce took it the night of the party.” She stares at me for a long moment. “What?” she whispers. Her eyes are huge, disbelieving. Suddenly the Ice Queen facade drops away, and I'm looking at the Lindsay I know. She sucks in a breath and turns away from me. Closes her eyes.
I don't say anything. What can I possibly say that will make things better?
“How do you know?” she whispers.
I pause. “Josh was showing the video to a few guys on his phone yesterday,” I say. “By his locker.”
She leans forward, elbows on her knees. Covers her face with her hands. I want to touch her. Rub her back or something, but I don't know if it's what she would want.
“Did youâ¦see it all? Mike? Did you watch it?”
I shake my head. “No. I didn't,” I say quietly. “I left. I was too angry.”
“How do you know it was me?” Her voice is barely a whisper.
God. I have to explain? “I saw yourâ¦your bra,” I say. “The pink one. That's how I knew it was you.” She flinches, and I hurry to reassure her. “But that's the only way I knew, Linds. No one else could possibly figure it out. Your hair was covering your face. It's impossible to tell that it's you.” Suddenly I feel incredibly awkward.
Lindsay presses her palms to her forehead. A sob escapes her lips.
“Linds, I'm so sorry.” I let the silence settle for a minute.
She doesn't move. I take a deep breath and carry on. “What Josh did was illegal. Drugging you. Taking advantage of you. Filming you. And now showing it to other people.”
The color drains from her face as I talk.
“You need to report it, Linds.”
She's silent for a moment. Then she straightens. She doesn't look at me. When she speaks, the chill has crept back into her voice. “I don't think so, Mike.”
“What? Why not?”
“It wouldn't go over very well.”
I can't believe what I'm hearing. “Who cares how it goes over? The guy committed a crime, Lindsay. Against
you.
You need to report it to the police. You can't let him get away with this.”
Lindsay turns on me with eyes that could cut steel. In one vicious movement, she shoves me, hard. I lurch backward and almost fall off the bench.
“What the hell?” I gasp, grabbing at the backrest to keep my balance.
“Shut up, Mike,” she hisses. “Just shut up, okay? You don't know what you're saying. You don't know what you're telling me to do.”
Suddenly I'm angry too. This conversation makes no sense.
“What do you mean, I don't know what I'm saying?” I say. “A guy you barely know has footage of you having sex with him and you're just going to stand by andâ¦andâ¦let him show it around?” I realize I'm nearly shouting. “To the whole school?”
Lindsay's eyes flash. “You don't get it.” She shakes her head like she can't believe how stupid I am. “Fine. So Josh got it on camera. Do you realize what will happen to me if I go to the police about it, Mike? Huh? Do you have any clue?” She spits the words at me. “No, you don't. Because
you don't get
it.
” She looks away, then back at me. “Here. Let me lay it out for you.” Her voice is low and cold. “If I rat him out to the cops, this whole thing will blow up in my face. They'll drag Josh and his friend in for statements. And me. And a ton of other people. Renata. Sara. Erin. Anyone who was at the party. It'll get out, Mike, and everyone will know it's me in the video.”
My head spins as I try to sort out her words. “Rat him out? You say it like you're the one who's doing the wrong thing,” I say. “But he should be charged, Linds. He
assaulted
yâ”
She cuts me off, furious. “Yeah, Mike, I'd be bringing Josh up on charges. Great. Reporting the king of Westpark High to the police.” She gives a bitter laugh. “Don't you understand what will happen? Everybody will turn against me. I won't have any friends left.” She crosses her arms and legs, drawing herself tight. She looks away for a moment. “Josh is the most popular guy in the whole school. I'm a zero compared to him. Who's going to take my side? My friends will drop me like a diseased rodent.” She gestures in frustration. “Even if people realize what Josh did was wrong, they're too chickenshit to hold it against him. People always blame the victim.”
I shake my head, even though I know at least part of what she's saying is true. “No, they don't,” I say. “Not necessarily. This is different.”
Her look stops me from saying anything else.
She's right.
It's so unfair. But she's right.
If this gets out, she'll be destroyed.
But what the hell am I
saying
? Josh committed a crime. And here we are, tripping on the realization of how hard it will be to make him pay for it. It's so much easier to walk away and not create any ripples. But that's so
wrong
. That asshole should pay for what he did to Lindsay.
“Linds,” I say. “I'll stand by you.” I reach over and take her hand in mine. “You know that. You need to turn Josh in. You can't let him get away with this.”
“Yeah?” Her gray eyes snap angrily. “Easy for you to say.”
I sigh. “It might not be as bad as you think.”
She pulls her hand out of mine. “Look, forget about it, Mike. Okay?” Her voice wavers. “Justâ¦move on.”
“Linds.” I go to take her hand again. “Hey.”
Wrong move.
“Stop it. Just stop it!” Suddenly her voice breaks, and she's crying. “Just leave me alone. I don't know why you even care. Have you forgotten what you walked in on last Friday?” She wipes her eyes with the backs of her hands. “I'm not who you think I am, Mike. I'm not the perfect little Lindsay you used to know. Little Miss Gymnastics, Little Miss A-plus Student, Little Miss Never-Slept-With-A-Guy. That girl's
gone
.” She fights for control, her breath hitching and her voice rising as the words rush out in a blaze of anger. “She's long gone, Mike, and she's not ever coming back. And I don't know what you'd want with a dirty slut like me. So stop wasting your time.”
A wrenching sob follows and then she's on her feet, hands over her face, stumbling away. From the bench, from the school. From the video that could completely trash her reputation at Westpark High.
From me.
On Thursday, I arrive at school to find the worst has happened. The video has gone viral throughout the school. People are talking about it. Texting about it. Forwarding it to each other. Huddling in little groups in the field, watching it on their phones and iPods. The teachers are clueless; what else is new. Everyone's trying to figure out who it is. Names are flying, but none stick. I'm glad for Lindsay's sake they can't identify her. They can't tell who the guy is either. Josh and his buddies must be locked up on that. He's smart. He knows enough not to let himself be identified.