VIP (46 page)
As
I got out of my car I caught the stares of everyone looking at me. This was
definitely not the place to be driving a luxury vehicle, that’s for sure. My
clothing screamed wealth and even my dog didn’t want to take a shit in the
grass. I tied Chance to a post in the yard and placed a rawhide in front of
him. I could still keep him in my vision to where I was going.
Walking
up to my home seemed so surreal. All the memories and flashbacks of enduring
all the shitty things that had ever happened to me came tumbling back. I made
it to the front porch with the planks creaking beneath my feet. I took a deep
breath and knocked, I waited a few minutes before knocking again.
I’m
not sure why I was so nervous. Well, I kind of knew. I’d walked out on my
mother when I was sixteen. Why was that haunting me? She walked out on me more
times than I could count. She never cared about me. Not one day of my life did
I have the nurturing from her that a mother should want to give to her child.
Reaching
for the doorknob, it turned in my hand. I cautiously pushed it open. I could
smell the stench before I was even inside. Instantly a wave of cigarettes,
cheap liquor, and some ungodly smell that I couldn’t even begin to describe.
“Hello.”
I called into the empty room, taking baby steps as I entered.
“Is
anybody here?” I yelled.
I
took in the scenery, looking around at the God awful mess. It looked far worse
than what I had remembered. There was filth everywhere; rotten food, cigarette
butts, piles of garbage, and buzzing flies roamed the area. Dirty clothing was
scattered throughout the room. I noticed a rolled up blanket in the corner with
something yellowish green and crusty dried to the fuzz. That explained the
unfamiliar smell. I stepped on paraphernalia, and what looked like a used
needle, causing a crunch under the toe of my wedge sandal. I had never been so
disgusted in all my life.
Walking
over to my old room, I pushed on the door with the back of my hand, not wanting
to touch it or anything else in this filth. Piles and piles of junk were
everywhere. I couldn’t even see the mattress, it was like my mother had become
a hoarder of garbage. I resisted the urge to find a trash bag and start
pitching the lewdness. Walking past the bathroom was by far the worst of it
all, the yellow and black ring around the toilet, the nauseating smells coming
from the shower, and more garbage.
I
was terrified to learn what I would find when I made it to my mother’s room. I
envisioned her passed out cold across her bed. Pushing it with the back of my
hand the same way I had to my own room, I found it empty. It was much of the
same, maybe a little cleaner, still a dump, just less trash.
I
couldn’t fathom how my mother was even living here. I wouldn’t even let my dog
come in there. It made me sick and sad all at the same time. My mother was
scum, although she didn’t deserve this.
I
couldn’t take the smell anymore and I made my way to the living room when I
heard the front door opening.
“Who
the fuck?” I heard my mother say, before looking to see me. Her head cocked to
the side, trying to take in the recognition of who I was.
She
looked old and strung out, not the beautiful woman I remembered. The skin on
her face looked pasty and eaten up. Her yellow bloodshot eyes stared back at
me, until recognition dawned on her and she smiled, to which I saw yellow and
missing teeth in her mouth.
“Well,
look what the fucking cat dragged in.” She said in a raspy voice I didn’t
recognize.
“Hi,
Mom.” I replied.
She
laughed. “Mom…? Now there’s something I don’t hear everyday.” She pulled her
cigarettes from her brown paper bag and cheap ass Banker’s Club vodka, chugging
a quarter of it. She swiped the excess with the back of her hand and stared at
me intently while she lit her cigarette.
“I
can’t imagine you’re here to ask for money?” She spewed.
“No.
I just…I just want some answers, I guess.” I wasn’t sure where this cowardly
weak voice was coming from. It was like I was once again the little girl with
the sad eyes looking up to my screaming mother.
“And
how the fuck can I help you with that?”
I
nervously chuckled. “You’d think that you’d be happy to see me or something.”
“Are
you fucking with me? I’ve barely even noticed you were fucking gone. It saved
me time and money not having you around.”
Crossing
my arms I hugged myself, uneasily. Jesus…I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
She really didn’t give two shits about me, not that I was expecting much, just maybe
a little more than this.
“What?
Am I being too insensitive? Do you need a tissue?” She asked in a condescending
tone, blowing smoke straight up into the already polluted air.
“Listen,
I’m sorry to have bothered you.”
“You
bothered me the day you were born.” She scuffed.
“What does Princess Ysabelle
want, a fairy tale? Do you want me to tell you how
much
I loved you? How much I wanted you? Well you came to the wrong fucking place
for that. The truth is I had you for one God damn reason, because I needed
money. That’s it Barbie, so don’t flatter yourself. You were nothing but a
fucking mistake.
Welfare
gives you an extra $500 for little fucks like you. Didn’t ever think you were
going to be that much of a pain in the ass though. Fuck, if I would have known,
I sure as fuck wouldn’t have ever gotten knocked up.”
I was
stunned, shocked, dazed and maybe a little traumatized. I just stood there and
took it all in, not believing what I was hearing. I had to remind myself she
was the miserable one. She couldn’t help who or what she’d become. She was just
following the vicious cycle, that everyone she’d had ever known did. I felt
sorry for her.
“The
only good thing you ever did for me was spread your legs like the little whore I
knew you’d be. I made a $1,000 that night. I thought I was going to have to
hold you down my damn self, but you didn’t make a fucking peep, I knew you’d
enjoy it.” She
laughed.
“Like mother like daughter, eh Baby?”
I wanted
to say the mean things back that she was saying to me. I didn’t. She was right
to a certain point. I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree. I
learned to do it with some class. She didn’t. I was no better than her. I sold
myself just like she did. She was paid with drugs, I was paid with luxuries.
Did
that make me better?
“I’m
sorry things turned out like this for you, though things weren’t exactly picture
perfect for me either,” I reminded her.
“Oh come
on, you play the victim card so fucking well. Did you rehearse that? Look at
you.” She said, waving her cigarette up and down my attire with her lips
snarled in disgust at me, “dressed in your expensive clothes and nice car, it seems
like you turned out alright. You should be fucking thanking me for giving you
life, you ungrateful little fuck. You’re fucking lucky I didn’t leave you in
the trash the first time you wouldn’t fucking sleep through the night. It took
everything I had not to put a pillow over your face.”
“What
the fuck? I’m your fucking child!” I yelled, willing the tears to stay put. I
didn’t think there was anything she could say to hurt me. I was wrong. This was
my mother, this lady brought me into this world and chose not to take care of
me. And now, well, she chose to make me feel guilty for her having me.
She stomped the five steps to me,
closing the space between us. “Fuck you! Who
the
hell do you think you are, coming in here judging me for my choices? I gave you
life. You think you’re better than me…you’re nothing just trailer trash dressed
in nice clothes, you fuck.
What have
you been doing all these years, Ysabelle? How are you driving around in that
fancy fucking car out there? That dog out there a fucking pedigree? You wearing
these fancy duds because you sell your pussy? Is that what you do Ysabelle?”
She screamed in my face, leaving me no choice but to smell the smoke and cheap
ass vodka on her breath.
I took a
deep breath, trying to regain my composure. “And to think I came here, hoping
to get a little closure from you, to get something, anything, not this Mom. I
wasn’t expecting this at all. I just wanted to see you, make sure you were
okay, and I don’t know, maybe see if there was anything you needed. Not this. I
never dreamed of this.”
“I
didn’t fucking want you,” she screamed again. My words had no effect on her whatsoever.
It was a hopeless cause.
“You
were nothing, a pain in my ass and it looks like things haven’t fucking
changed. Don’t try to act like a saint with me. I know what you did with those
boys. Spreading your legs for anyone that would give you any fucking attention.
I saw you. I watched you right out there in that alley. You let that boy put
his hands in your pants. You were such a needy little girl.” She blamed.
“I
can’t believe what I’m hearing. Do you have any fucking clue why I did any of
those things! I did it because I fucking had to. You never gave a shit about
me; I had to fend for myself you selfish bitch.” I screamed trying to catch my
breath, “Who’s my father?” I questioned, needing to revert the conversation.
She
snorted. “Fuck, if I know. I don’t know who you belong to. Why the fuck would I
care? Men are as disposable as you fucking are. Ugh…get the fuck out of my house,
you’re killing my buzz.” She demanded, walking back to her bedroom.
“You
know, for the longest time I thought it was me.” I confessed, causing her to
stop dead in her tracks, turn around and gawk at me with the same look of
disgust that she had since she walked through that door.
“I
thought it was my fault, why you didn’t love me. I thought I deserved the way
you treated me. I spent the first twelve years of my life, trying to be a good
girl for you, hoping if I was good, you’d love me. You want to hear the really
fucked up part, Mom?” I asked sitting on the edge of the filthy sofa. I had to
sit down, I wasn’t prepared for the wave of emotions.
“I still
loved you. I loved you even though I never had shit to eat. I loved you when I
had blisters all over my feet because you didn’t buy me shoes. I loved you when
I went to school smelling like this filth. I loved you when I laid on that
disease infested mattress that you would use as if it was fucking yours. I
loved you when I would get on that bus every morning and listen to the kids
make fun of me for wearing the same shirt for a week at a time.” I blew out a
puff of air and took in a deep breath, trying to continue. I looked up to see
her face. She looked like a sad, weak, desolate human being.
“Do you
remember any of that? I loved you when I laid in that room, crying because I was
afraid all the men were hurting you as I listened to you moan. Did you ever
care? Did you ever care that your three, four, five year old little girl was
laying in there crying because she was scared for you? I even fucking loved you
after you let a man come into my room and rape me.”
I stood,
knowing that I’d said enough, anymore and I wasn’t going to be able to control
my tears, begging to be released. I reached into my purse, pulled out a wad of
cash and dropped it on the coffee table with the rest of the trash. I walked to
the door, and I turned around one last time.
“You’re
nothing, but a fucking bottom feeder. You’re a waste of a human being. You will
die in this shithole by yourself with your drugs and booze. The county will
come and cremate your fucking body and they will call me to come get you, and I
will tell them to throw you in the dumpster where you fucking belong.” I
violently spoke.
“Get a
good look at me Mom because this will be the last time you will ever see my
face again.” I
affirmed before I turned
and
walked out of my mother’s life.
I walked
out that door vowing to myself that I would never come close to that woman as
long as I lived. I smiled at the little boys, playing with Chance as I wiped
the uncontrollable falling tears.
No
sooner was I in my car with the door shut did I heave. I cried for a life no
child should ever have to endure.
I
wanted Sebastian. God, I needed Sebastian.
I walked
around my condo in a haze of emotional exhaustion for the next few
days.
Grey Goose and I had become BFF’s. I knew what I had to do; I was just trying
to gear up the nerve to actually do it. I appreciated all that Madam had done
for me. I really don't know where I would have been without her. This wasn't
about her. It was about me.
If I was
ever going to feel any worth whatsoever, I had to do it. It was frightening and
I wasn't sure where to go. Hell, I wasn't even sure who the hell Ysabelle even
was without men. Finally when I woke on Wednesday morning, I jumped out of bed,
walked Chance, dressed, and went straight to my car.
I drove
to Madam’s and took a deep breath before making my way to her office where I
knew she would be. It was interesting to think that this was the room that it
all started and now I was here to end it; I had come full circle.
Madam
greeted me like she always had.
“We
need to talk.” I cautioned as she kissed my cheek.
“And,
what about, Darling?”
I
moved to sit on the couch. It was the very same one where I had shared my first
experience with a woman. She followed me placing her hands in her lap.
“I
can’t do this anymore.” I spoke.
“Do
what Bella Rosa?”
“I
can’t be a VIP.” I quickly stated before I lost the nerve.
She
nodded, “And why is that? For the married man?”
“No,
for me. That’s over. I appreciate everything that you have ever done for me.
I’m not the same person anymore. I don’t know when it happened but I’ve
changed. I don’t need or want the same things that I used to. I hope you can
understand that.”
“And
what is it exactly that you’re going to do now?” She sarcastically questioned.
“I’m
not quite sure, I’m going to travel for a while. It’s amazing that I’ve been
almost everywhere around the world and I never really took it in. I’d like to
do that now.” I explained.
“Alright.
So you will do a little sabbatical and once you’re done, you’ll come back.
“I
don’t think so. Better yet, I know I won’t.”
“Ysabelle,
I’ve been doing this a very long time. You’ll come back, you’ll get bored,
you’ll need excitement, and you’ll be back. Women like us are made like that,
it doesn’t just stop because you want it to, it’s in our blood.” She stated.
“I
want more, Madam, I want it all.”
She
chuckled, “you want the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, and the husband.
Jesus Christ Ysabelle, have you learned nothing these last few years? I mean how
many married men have you been with? Have you ever seen a happy marriage?”
“What
happened to you? What happened to make you this way?”
“Oh…now
were sharing sob stories? Nothing has happened to me, I’m a fucking realist.
This is the real world Ysabelle, I showed it you.”
I put my
hand on my chest, “Oh my God, you knew?” I affirmed. “You knew what Slavic was
going to do. You set me up.”
She
rolled her eyes and moved back to her desk.
“Why?” I
demanded.
“You’re
nothing but a fucking child, you’ve learned nothing.”
“Were
you trying to punish me?”
“I’ve
told you since day one not to fuck with me or my business. You think I wanted
it to come to this. You were my favorite and you repay me with letting all of
it go for love. Well Ysabelle, how’d that work out for you? Was it worth it?”
I
hesitated a moment taking in her hurtful words. “Yes, it was. I learned the
meaning of my self-worth. I’m better than this Madam, I know that now.”
“You’ll
be back, they always come back.”
“I’m
not doing this out of spite Madam, I can’t sell myself anymore. I’m thankful
for everything that you did for me, because I would be nowhere without you. You
gave me what I needed but I’m done with it. It’s time for me to try something
else. Please understand that?”
She
deeply sighed. “You will always have a family here, Bella Rosa. I will help you
in any way that I can.” Even though she was saying the words I knew she truly
didn’t mean them, at least not yet. I would give her time to accept my
decision.
I
smiled, “thank you.”
I hugged and kissed her goodbye. I walked out of that house and
knew that it was going to be for the last time.
<>*<>
Y
<>*<>
It
didn’t take me long to get all my belongings in order and truthfully I wasn’t
taking much with me. I filled three suitcases full of things that I needed. I
left behind the gowns, the $3,000 shoes, the purses, and the endless amounts of
diamonds and jewelry I had acquired over the years. I didn’t want any of it.
I
packed light of what I thought would work for my new lifestyle. I was done
being the made up version of myself, I wanted to be normal, and I wanted to fit
in. I didn’t need the glitz and the glamour anymore. If I was being honest, I
never felt like it was really me.
I
had no idea who I was and I was hoping that I would find out. Eventually, I hoped
I could look in the mirror again and not feel shame, guilt, or remorse. I
didn’t know if I even knew what happiness meant. I was sure as hell going to
try to find it now.
To
say that I stopped loving and thinking about Sebastian would have been a lie. I
thought about him everyday, it had been a month since I had seen him but it
felt like years. Do I regret meeting him and being with him…absolutely not. In
a very fucked up way, Sebastian saved me from myself. He showed me what it was
to love and I hadn’t ever thought that was possible for me.
Even
though our affair was ridiculous, he cared about me. I’m not blind and I know
it was there. It was a fucked situation for everyone involved. I wished him the
best and I hoped that it would work out with his family because that’s where he
belonged. He was never mine, and I was never his; we lived in a delusional
state of mind where we both thought it could work.
In
the back of my mind, I knew it was only a matter of time until the shit hit the
proverbial fan. All good things must come to an end…and good things come to
those who wait, right? It was Chance and I now. As I walked out the door of my
condo, I looked back taking it all in. I was really doing this.
I put
all my belongings in my car with Chance and made my way to one last stop.
I
checked my phone as I heard it ping with a text message.
B
– I always knew you weren’t a lifer.
Y
– Madam upset?
B
– She will get over it. You will always be one of us Bella, you’re welcome home
anytime.
Y
– I will keep in touch.
B
– You better. Be safe and take care. I <3 you.
Y–
XO
I walked
into the bar and found a smiling Devon holding his baby boy.
“Hey, Kid.”
He said.
“You
have baby in a bar.” I laughed.
He
rocked the baby back and forth, “yeah…we’re closed and I’m starting him early.”
“You
look really good holding that baby, Devon, fatherhood suits you.” I said while
sitting on the barstool.
“Well,
you should have walked in ten minutes ago, I had spit up and puke all down my shirt.
It was a sight I’m sure.” He smirked, “So to what do I owe the honor of your
presence, Kid?”
“I came
to say hello…and goodbye.” I stated.
He
looked confused, “Goodbye?”
“Yeah…I’m
going to get this show on the road. Miami turned out to be too much for me, I
think. I’m going to try something different. I couldn’t leave without saying
goodbye to you.”
“Are you
being serious? You’re joking right.” He questioned laying his baby in the car
seat and walking around the bar to me.
“I’m
dead serious.” I said, as he sat down.
He
cocked his head to the side, “Why? I don’t understand.”
“I don’t
really understand either, you know me Devon, I’m like a bird I need to explore.
I’ll keep in touch, I promise.”
“Where
are you headed?”
“Not
quite sure, I’m going to travel for a bit and figure it out.” I confirmed.
“Wow…I
don’t even know what to say. I’m going to miss you, Kid. What am I going to do
without you?”
I
chuckled, “you’re going to be an amazing husband and father, like I have no
doubt you will be.”
He sighed
accepting my answer and leaned over the counter to grab two shot glasses and a
bottle of Patrón.
“One for
the road for old time’s sake.”
“You
know it.”
He
poured the shots and we clinked our glasses, “to moving forward.” He cheered.
“I gotta
get going, I’m going to miss my flight.” I stated standing up, before this
turned too emotional.
“It’s
because of him isn’t it? The asshole.” I shrugged.
He
pulled me into the deepest and most genuine hug, and finally after what seemed
like an eternity kissed my forehead and let me go.
We were
both a bit teary eyed, “shit…look at us…I’ll see you again Devon, I promise.” I
reassured.
“I
know.” He nodded.
I
squeezed his hand and smiled, I walked towards the door and just as I was
opening it I turned around.
“Devon…”
I said making him turn to face me.
“Yeah, Kid?”
He answered.
“Thank
you for everything. And even though I’ve never said it, you know I love you
right?” It was the first time the words ‘I love you’ left my mouth, and I truly
believed it.
He
smiled, “I love you, too, Kid. Take care of yourself and call me as soon as you
get settled.”
“Of
course.”
I walked
out of the bar and said goodbye to my past as I walked into my future.
<>*<>
S
<>*<>
“What
the hell, Sebastian? Are you freaking kidding me? I love how important this is
for you,” Julia yelled through the phone.
It
wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t discarding our counseling appointment on purpose. I
had no idea this client was going to buy today. It usually took at least two
yacht tours to close a deal. He was ready the moment we stepped on board.
“How
exactly would you like me to proceed, Julia? I’ll just walk up to him and say,
hey, sorry man. We’re going to have to do this some other time. I have to go to
marriage counseling with my wife,” I snapped right back.
“Yeah,
Sebastian you do that. Why don’t you tell him why we are even in marriage
counseling to begin with?”
“This is
never going to work like this. I can’t apologize any more than I already have.
It’s been eight fucking months, Julia. I can’t take it back, and you can’t
continue to throw it in my face or punish me for it.”
“You
know what? Just forget it, Sebastian. I will see you at home. Are you getting
Christian, or can you not find the time for him either?”
Oh, my
fucking God. She was impossible. “I will get Christian,” I replied, hanging up
before I said something that I would be apologizing for later. It seemed like
that was all I was doing anymore. I couldn’t say anything without pissing her
off. We were constantly at each other’s throats.
I made
an amazing sale that day, wishing I had someone to celebrate it with. I did
just that. I took my son to the park and celebrated with him. Julia was calling
around 7 p.m. wanting to know where we were.
“Hey, Babygirl,”
I answered, watching Christian run up the slide.
“Hey,
Sebby. I’m sorry,” she apologized. “Where are you?”
“The
park, celebrating my big sale today with Christian.”
“Come
home and celebrate with me.”
“We’ll
be there soon,” I promised with a deep sigh. I would go home, things would seem
great, I’d make love to my wife, and start all over the next morning, probably
with an argument about something stupid. It had become our routine for the past
eight months. It was exhausting.
I got
home to find Julia making a cake in the kitchen. She had flour on her face and
frosting on her lips, I laughed.
“Whatcha
doing there, Babygirl?” I tempted walking over to her.