Vampires Need Not...Apply? (30 page)

Antonio found it very difficult to believe that finding the love of his life, Ixtab, would in some way contribute to the end of the world. No, something felt very… off.

“Do you have proof of anything you’re saying?” Kinich asked. “Your accusations are extremely serious.”

“I have another witness.” Maggie turned toward the door of the room and pointed. “Máax saw everything, too.”

The entire room gasped.

“You!” Fate screamed. “How dare you bring him here! He is not to be spoken of by anyone! He is dead to us!” She turned her back.

“Who the hell is Máax?” Antonio didn’t see anyone.

“Máax is just another victim in all this,” Maggie exclaimed. “How many deities will you allow to fall victim to Cimil? Huh? First Máax, then Chaam. Even Kinich and Zac. How about when you were imprisoned inside your own cenotes! Seventy years! While Cimil roamed free. Why can’t you see? She’s been playing with everyone. Listen to Máax. He will tell you the truth! He’s incapable of lying!”

“Who the hell is Máax?” Antonio demanded loudly.

“He is the God of Truth,” Maggie replied.

“No! He no longer bares that title,” Fate barked. “He is the One No One Speaks Of. He broke our most sacred law. He is dead to us. Banished forever.”

“Enough!” Kinich commanded. “We will listen to what Máax has to say. We need to know the truth.”

“You are no longer a deity, brother. You do not command us,” Fate said to Kinich.

“Yes, he does!” Penelope chimed in. “He is my husband. He and I are bound. Therefore, we are one and now share the role of Ruler of the House of Gods.”

“I love being a deity. This is getting interesting.” Belch poured another martini and leaned back in his chair with a giant grin.

Interesting?
Interesting is what one might say about a person with two thumbs on one hand. This was a fucking circus. And they all seemed to be sharing the same goddamned delusion, fighting about someone named Máax who wasn’t there.

“When did you marry?” asked Bees sweetly.

Penelope blushed. “Yesterday. We stopped over in Vegas on the way here. We wanted to wait to tell everyone since there’s so much going on.”

“That is lovely news,” Bees said. “Have you registered yet?”

“No. We haven’t had the chance,” Penelope replied.

“How about a llama? Everyone needs a llama,” Belch offered with projectile spittle.

“Are you people for real? You’re like children on a sugar bend,” Maggie said. “Can we please get back to the conversation?”

“
Puta madre!
I couldn’t agree more,” Antonio added impatiently.

Penelope cleared her throat. “Sorry. That’s how they roll around here. I guess it’s rubbing off on me. Yes. We would like to hear what Máax has to say. Where is he?”

Máax’s deep voice rang out across the room. “I am here.” Penelope jumped out of her skin.

“What the hell?” Antonio said.

“Máax was banished and therefore invisible,” Kinich stately calmly.

Yes, a
pinche loco
circus, complete with invisible clowns.

“The girl speaks the truth,” Máax said. “I have witnessed Cimil’s actions.”

“Traitor,” Fate hissed at Máax, paying no attention to what he was trying to say.

“I did what I must. I do not regret it.” Máax’s deep voice held no intonation, no emotion, no room for debate.

“What did he do?” Penelope asked Kinich.

“Time travel,” Kinich replied. “And vows he will do it again.”

“Okeydokey, then,” said Penelope. “Is he really incapable of lying?”

Kinich nodded yes.

“What next?” Penelope asked.

“You must free Chaam, and Cimil must be stopped.” Maggie turned to Antonio. “I will tell you how to free Ixtab, and in exchange, she will cure Chaam.”

Antonio wasn’t sure he liked Maggie’s plan. Not only did this Chaam sound dangerous, but opening the portal and freeing Ixtab only solved one problem. The other fact remained that his father had gone in with her.

“What about Guy, Niccolo, and the men?” Penelope asked.

“Once Chaam is free,” Maggie stated coolly, “the Maaskab will remove the hex; they will free your men. They want to fight you like Emma’s grandmother said.”

“Cimil convinced them this was their path to victory,” Máax added.

“Then it’s settled, we free Chaam,” Kinich stated.

“It must be put to a vote,” Fate stated dryly. “Despite how Chaam became evil, the fact remains that he did many terrible things and is, in fact, very dangerous. Releasing him is a risk and there is no guarantee Ixtab will be able to cure him.”

Penelope sighed. “I understand that, but if we can cure him, it could be the turning point for us; we’d have the Maaskab leader on our side. No war. No apocalypse. Done. Over.”

“You all assume,” Fate said, “that the apocalypse will be brought by the Maaskab. But that is not what Cimil predicted. She said the end was coming, not by whose hand.”

“Who else could it be?” asked Penelope.

Fate picked a piece of invisible lint from the front of her white dress. “That is for fate to decide.”

A loud groan erupted.

Penelope rolled her eyes. “All in favor of freeing Chaam and hunting Cimil?” Belch, K’ak, Fate, Akna, Bees, and A.C. raised their hands. “And Kinich and I vote yes, too.”

“I will volunteer to bring in Cimil,” A.C., God of Eclipses, said in a dark voice.

“That won’t be necessary.”

Everyone gasped and turned. Standing in the doorway was Cimil and a vampire. A very, very pale vampire who looked as though the thought of living one more second might bore him to death.

Maggie instantly lunged for the goddess, but an invisible hand reached out and held her back. “Her time will come, Margaret. Do not waste your efforts on her,” Máax stated calmly.

Cimil, who wore what appeared to be a pink-checkered square-dancing outfit, smiled. “Máax, sweetie. So glad to
see
you!” She burst out laughing. “Get it?” She turned to her vampire who made no reaction whatsoever.

“Yeah. I know. It’s totally true,” Cimil replied, though he hadn’t said anything.

“Cimil, what do you have to say for yourself? Did you turn Chaam evil? Have you been plotting the end of the world?” Kinich asked.

“Is that all you’ve got on me? ’Cause, I can tell you right now,
my
list is way longer.” She looked at her vampire. “Right, Roberto, baby?”

Roberto, who wore a black cape, red satin shirt, and leather pants, nodded at Cimil and then swooped out of the room with a twirl of his cape.

“Tootles!” Cimil chuckled and shook her head. “Vampires. They’re so dramatic with the whole entrance and exit thing. Did you notice? His cape is completely wrinkle-free. I’m getting really good at ironing. Aaahh… domestic bliss at last.”

“Cimil!” Kinich screamed. “Yes or no?”

Cimil jumped and then smoothed down her straight red hair. “Yes. It’s true. Every word. Before I say anything else, I demand a lawyer and fair trial. And a fruit basket. But instead of fruit, I want it filled with bagged blood. It’s for Minky, my unicorn. You do allow unicorns in prison, right?”

“A.C.? Can you deal with her?” Penelope asked.

Antonio blinked and suddenly Cimil was on the floor, sawing logs, her pink petticoat a tangled mess around her waist and her shiny, pink hot pants on display.

Kinich nodded at his brother A.C. “Thank you. Do you mind taking her to our special holding cell?”

A.C. bowed his head. “My pleasure. I’ve always wanted to use my gift of sleep to shut her up.”

“Well, that was certainly unexpected,” Penelope mumbled to no one in particular, then looked at Maggie. “I’m sorry, Maggie. Truly sorry for what you’ve been through.” She looked at Antonio. “The tablet is in the vault, so whenever you’re ready, let us know.”

“I’m nowhere near ready,” Antonio replied. “We cannot release Ixtab without risking that
jodido demonio
from escaping as well.” Gods, this was the most infuriating situation, because there was nothing he wanted more than to get Ixtab back. There had to be a way to do it without freeing that bastard father of his.

“Oh! Man! I looovvvee this channel. It just keeps getting better and better.” Belch poured yet another martini and burped.

“You’re vile,” Bees hissed.

“Christ almighty.” Kinich shook his head.

Penelope reached out and stroked his forearm. “What, honey? What’s the matter?”

He grumbled and then sucked in a breath. “The only deity capable of dealing with a demon is Cimil—the underworld creatures are her domain.”

A collective “Oh, crap” rang through the air.

“Checkmate!” Belch clapped and then roared with laughter, smacking his hand on the table. “Oh, gods, Cimil is a riot.”

Penelope ignored Belch, as did everyone else, and looked at Maggie. “You can go now. Ask the soldier outside to have someone show you to a room.”

“You’re not letting Cimil go, are you?” Maggie asked.

“No. We’ll find another way to deal with the demon,” Penelope replied.

“I want your word.” Maggie looked around the table. “I want everyone’s word or no deal. And for the record, I’m not telling you how to open the portal until Chaam is free.”

“For this to work, doesn’t Ixtab need to be there when we release him?” Penelope asked.

“Guess you’ll have to take the tablet to Mexico then and open the portal outside Chaam’s prison. Won’t you? Do we have a deal—yes or no?”

“Yes,” Penelope stated.

Antonio waffled between fury and panic as the powerful yet clearly insane deities debated what to do next. It seemed that Cimil was an excellent chess player, but by no means was this checkmate.

“We must strike a deal with Cimil.”

“No. No deals.”

“Then let the demon out. We’ll catch up with him later.”

Their words flew through the air so quickly that Antonio had a difficult time keeping up with the conversation. One deity would start a sentence, another would finish. They went around and around like an angry pair of cats.

“Stop!” Antonio barked. “If you let my father out, he will need a new host. That host will be my brother. Not acceptable.”

Penelope, who seemed to be the calmest out of the group, stood and paced at the back of the room. “I will talk to Cimil and see what she wants in exchange for her help with the demon.”

“No,” Bees said. “Her crimesss are unforgivable. No dealsss; this is what she wants.”

Penelope held out her hand. “I know. But we’re talking Cimil here. Maybe all she wants is a chocolate chip cookie or a ride on her unicorn.”

“Good point,” said Bees.

“I agree,” Fate said. “Let’s see what she wants.”

“I want to be there,” said Antonio. His father could not be allowed out and Ixtab had to be saved. If Cimil was the only one who could make this happen, he sure as hell wouldn’t leave the job of convincing her up to this wackypack.

“Are you still here, vamp-ubus?” Fate scowled at Antonio.

“Vamp-ubus?” asked Antonio.

“Incu-pire, then?” Fate offered.

Antonio simply stared.

“Well, I must call you something, and vampire slash incubus is much too lengthy,” Fate explained.

“How about Antonio, for fuck sake,” Antonio growled. These deities were unbelievable. How had Ixtab remained sane living with them all these centuries?

Fate glanced at the ceiling, pondering. “Antonio Forfucksake? I don’t get it.”

“Enough!” Antonio screamed. “My woman’s life is on the line. Can you people—deities, what fucking ever—please focus?”

Bees chuckled. “Do all Spaniards swear so much? You put the Demilords to shame.”

“Wait,” Fate asked, gasping. “
Your
woman? You mean Ixtab?”

“Are you deaf?” Antonio replied. “Yes. Ixtab is mine. Does this present an issue for you?”

“Oh!” Penelope squealed. “Congratulations, Antonio. I knew it would work out for you two.”

Fate grumbled something about vampires being disgusting.

Kinich cleared his throat. “Eh-hem.”

“Fate,” Penelope said, narrowing her eyes, “I’ve always wanted to say this: stop being such a bitch and shut your pie hole.” Penelope grabbed Kinich’s hand and kissed his cheek. “I love you.” She looked at Antonio. “And you are very welcome to listen in when we talk to Cimil.”

Antonio bowed his head. “Thank you. I hope this mess doesn’t get any more complicated.”

“You havvven’t been arounnnd very long”—Belch chuckled—“havvve you?” He raised his glass into the air. “’Cause you haven’t seen anything yet.”

* * *

After a short drive back to the Uchben base, where the plane had landed earlier, Penelope and Kinich took Antonio to a small building toward the edge of the compound. For the most part, it looked like your everyday administrative office—lobby, glass conference rooms, cubicles—with the exception of one thing: two large soldiers with automatic rifles standing on either side of an elevator bank toward the back.

Antonio felt his ears pop when they reached the negative twentieth floor—twenty stories belowground.

“What is this place?” he asked.

The elevator doors slid open, and they stepped out into a dark hallway lit with red lights.

“This is where our operations are housed,” Kinich explained. “There’s a control center; a bunker large enough to house tens of thousands of people if needed; a hospital, training facilities, and, of course, weapons.”

“Don’t forget the mall, honey,” Penelope added. “And the restaurants—Oh, if you’re into beer there’s a great pub. They have a thousand different beers.”

“Some other time perhaps,” Antonio replied politely. He wondered if they had any fare of his liking. A nice Maaskab or two to suck the life out of; he was getting a little hungry.

“This way.” Kinich gestured toward a set of doors with a keypad on one side. He punched in the numbers and the door clicked. “This, of course, is the back entrance to the underground complex. We keep the holding cells separate from everything else.”

Antonio entered what looked to be a rather large prison block with three tiers of cells on all sides, overlooking a caged guard station in the middle of the ground floor. Armed men in black were posted in every corner. “How many prisoners are in here?”