Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (32 page)

How do you know you’re at the Resilient Edge of Resistance?
You push and the body pushes back just a little
.

Stillness
. There is another extremely powerful stroke that is all too often ignored in nearly every type of massage. That stroke is stillness. Do not make the common mistake of thinking that giving a massage means being in constant motion. One of the
most sensuous, healing, and powerful ways of being with someone is simply to hold them. Embrace with your hands; with the hearts of your palms. Breathe.

This is all you need to know about touch to give a luxurious, muscle-melting massage. Naturally, all the strokes can be combined in any manner. Just remember, your best instructors are your breath, your intuition, and your partner. Follow your instincts and ask, ask, ask for feedback.

Gender and the Erotic Awakening Massage

The Erotic Awakening Massage was originally divided into two types: one for men and one for women. That was in the days when we thought of gender—even biological gender—as either/or. Early on in my practice with these massages, I began to notice that this arbitrary division based on genital innies and outies was much too limiting. There was simply too much crossover.

My understanding of the “more than two” school of sex and gender began when a brave transperson—self-identified “spansexual” norrie m
y welby—asked if she could attend my Yoni Massage workshop in Sydney. (Yoni—Sanskrit for vagina—Massage was the name for an earlier version of the Erotic Awakening Massage.) I asked norrie if she had a yoni; norrie said yes. I said, “Then please do join us.” That weekend, as I was explaining the massage strokes for the G-spot, I asked norrie if she had a G-spot. She said she didn’t know. norrie was born a boy, with a penis and testicles. norrie later had gender reassignment surgery, which reshaped the penis and testicles into a vagina and clitoris. Although norrie’s surgery was intended to “make her a woman,” she now lives as both/neither and/nor male/female. norrie knew that she still had a prostate gland and that P-spot stimulation felt good. When norrie was male, the only way to reach his P-spot was through his anus. Now that norrie had a vagina, her P-spot could also be stimulated by pressing against the back wall of her vagina.

In the course of the Erotic Awakening Massage, norrie discovered that she also had a G-spot. What’s more, G-spot massage strokes on her new yoni felt as good as the P-spot strokes. Now the other women in the workshop wanted to try the P-spot strokes—which were, after all, simply the G-spot strokes done on the opposite wall of the vagina. And guess what? More than half the women reported that the P-spot strokes felt great. Although the genetic women did not have a prostate and norrie did not have a urethral sponge, there was something present in both cases that liked being stimulated.

This kind of genital gender-bending became more and more common as I relaxed and reframed my notion of which strokes were for pussies and which were for cocks. I invite you to relax your own gendered notions of genitalia. For the sake of readability and ease in communicating the strokes, I will be a bit less postmodern. In the next two chapters, I will describe one massage for people with vulvas and vaginas (chapter 17), and one for people with penises and testicles (chapter 18). I will use the pronoun
she
to refer to a person with a pussy, and the pronoun
he
to refer to a person with a cock. I do not mean to offend or exclude the hunky gentlemen I know with vaginas or the many gorgeous ladies with penises. And for all of you with something in between or something other than a pussy or a cock, I invite you to mix and match. (I do, even when I am playing with more traditional genitals.) Take what works for you from either or both massages and discard the rest.

If you have a vulva and vagina, I would suggest you start with the massage for people with pussies. If you have a cock, start with the massage for people with penises. Both massages begin with sensuous touch, but following that, they are paced quite differently. The massage for people with pussies starts slowly and builds progressively, as if climbing an incline toward high-energy orgasm. The massage for people with penises, while intended to build energy, is also designed to avoid ejaculation, so it is much more of a roller-coaster ride of fast, energizing strokes alternating with slow, relaxing strokes.

Orgasm and the Erotic Awakening Massage

The Erotic Awakening Massage will provide you with new and expanded orgasmic experiences, both genital and energetic. The Erotic Awakening Massage for people with pussies often produces multiple physical orgasms. The Erotic Awakening Massage for people with penises can also provide multiple orgasms, so long as the person with a penis does not ejaculate. (In fact, the Erotic Awakening Massage for people with penises is ideal practice for those eager to learn the art of male multiple orgasm.) The simple fact is that women (or those with estrogen-based bodies) can have multiple orgasms—with or without ejaculation—with little loss of sexual energy. Men (or those with testosterone-based bodies who ejaculate through their penises) suffer a near-total loss of sexual energy after ejaculation. Therefore, in order to experience the extended and expanded pleasure states available in prolonged arousal, ejaculation is to be avoided.

Both versions of the Erotic Awakening Massage end with the Clench and Hold energy orgasm technique. When we practiced the Clench and Hold earlier (see
chapter 9
) we used breath to charge the body. In the Erotic Awakening Massage, in addition to your breath, you will also be charging your body with movement, sound, and genital massage. The exponential effect of this combination greatly enhances the orgasmic and mystical potential of the Clench and Hold.

Important reminder: Lungs are genderless; the most important
part of the Erotic Awakening Massage is the conscious breathing
.

Over the course of the past decade, I have done this massage in countless workshops, demonstrations, and private sessions. The more I do it, the less I know. That is why I am still so passionate about it. I invite you to become as clueless as I am. After you’ve become familiar with the basics of the Erotic Awakening Massage, get creative! Make it your own. Create new strokes, new ways of breathing, and new forms of sensuous touch; and put it all together at the pace that works for you. Oh—one more note before we begin. Most of the strokes have short, humorous names to make it easy for you to remember them and ask for them. Ask and it shall be given, and it shall be delightful.

This version of the Erotic Awakening Massage has the same structure as any other Tantric ritual, with one slight modification. First, you’ll set the stage for your massage. Next, instead of chilling out and warming up, you’ll come together with your partner so that you can both share your thoughts or feelings that need to be spoken before the massage actually begins. The chill out and warm up portion of the ritual is a luxurious sensual massage followed by the first of the genital strokes. This soon intensifies into rock and roll as the genital strokes become more specifically arousing. Finally, following a Clench and Hold, the receiver enters a long afterglow filled with endless possibilities.

Setting Up

Start by creating a serene space for your massage by choosing a comfortably warm room with soft lighting, lots of fresh air, and music with a gentle, steady rhythm. You certainly can do the massage without music, but I find that the right music helps both receiver and giver to maintain conscious breathing. Plus, this massage is such a great dance, it’s a shame to do it without music.

Put a towel and a sheet on your massage table. If you don’t have a massage table, you can use another kind of table or the floor. Although it may seem logical to use a bed, beds are usually at an uncomfortable height for the person who is giving the massage. It’s important for both of you to be comfortable at all times. As the giver, you don’t want a sore back at the end of your partner’s pleasure.

If you are the giver, make sure your fingernails are not too long or too sharp. Trim any ragged edges. Check your hands for any calluses and smooth them down with a pumice stone.

Next, gather the things you’ll need: latex or vinyl gloves, condoms, lube, and massage oil or cornstarch (also known as corn flour). Cornstarch? Yes. Instead of oil, you might like the feel of cornstarch on your skin. It’s like getting a massage with powdered silk. It’s hypoallergenic and it’s easy to clean up—just shake it out or vacuum it up.

Connecting

When you’re set up and ready to begin, take a moment to connect with your massage partner. You might sit face to face and breathe together as you gaze into each other’s eyes. Find that place of connection between the two of you that needs no words—that place of mirroring where you can see the best of yourself in her and her best in you. Try to look beyond the physical to actually see her spirit.

This is a time for speaking. Tell each other how you are feeling. Let your partner know any physical or medical limitations you may have. If you are receiving, tell your partner if there are any places on your body that are especially tense. Do you have a special request? Perhaps there is something you want to heal or create in your life. You can make that desire the focus of the energy raised in this massage by making a dedication (see
chapter 22
for more on dedicating sexual energy). If you’re the giver, you may have intentions and needs to express as well. Now is the time to speak these. You are partners in this experience.

Starting with a Sensual Massage

The receiver lies on the table or floor, face down. The giver might begin the sensual massage with the touch of something other than a hand. Try an ostrich feather or a silk scarf. Your intention is to help your partner relax and come to a deeper awareness of her body. So alternate elegant, relaxing strokes with different types of touch that are a bit more stimulating. You could use a loofah sponge (mild) or a cat-o’-nine-tails (wild). (See the “Props: Mild to Wild” chart in
chapter 11
for other ideas.) When you’re both ready to move on, lovingly apply cornstarch or massage oil. Give her a sensual massage using the whole-hand touching strokes you learned earlier.

Remember her hands, her feet, and her head. We carry so much tension in these places. Massage her feet; gently pull her toes. On your way up to the top of her head, do the same for her hands. Then massage her scalp.

Gently massage her breasts with whole-hand circular glides. This helps open her heart center. Spread the heart energy down her arms and then down her torso.

ARE YOU BREATHING?

Take a moment to make sure you are both breathing consciously. You can help the woman receiving the massage to keep breathing by staying conscious of your own breathing. The idea is not to control her breathing, but to set up a rhythm with her. When the two of you are breathing in a rhythm and at a pace that’s comfortable for you both, you’ve established another level of connection. The rhythm of the music can help.