Upgrading (41 page)

I do miss the expensive restaurants and the holidays but not the stress that went with them. I realise now that I never felt comfortable travelling or eating out with Marion—I knew people were staring at us discreetly in those restaurants, shops and business-class lounges. Going out with Vinny and Malc the other night for a curry just felt so easy and natural.

However shocked I was to discover that I was playing slave to Marion’s sadistic master, the truth is I can hardly I blame her, of course. Like Chris said, I was just trying to earn a living off her and so perhaps she was right to expect something back—although it wasn’t quite what I could ever have imagined. I was doing better out of her than Chris in many ways and Mark, if I’d bothered to ask him, would probably have given me seven out of ten for a first go.

Except that there’ll never be a second go.

I bumped into Mark in the King’s Road one day. He didn’t seem particularly pissed off or surprised that I’d left him and the others in the lurch that rainy Thursday but Marion, he said, was furious. When she got home she physically attacked Ana Maria and blamed her for frightening me off. That’s a good one, I thought, when he told me. Then she went off to Mauritius or somewhere with Channing. When I asked Mark whether she was angry and upset because I had dumped her or let her down in front of her friends and inconvenienced her domestic arrangements, or whether it was because she really loved me, he looked surprised by the question.

“Oh, I think she was just generally pretty narked. It
was
a bit embarrassing for her and Marion hates to be embarrassed. Hey, listen, there’s a South African woman I met the other night, late forties, newly divorced, absolutely loaded, horny as hell …”

Looking at his handsome face and into his smiling, vacant eyes, I said, “No thanks, mate. Seeya,” and slapped him on the arm affectionately.

Other than not wanting to meet Mark’s South African, or anyone else he knew, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life until one Saturday morning, a postcard arrived. It had a picture of the opera house in Buenos Aires on one side and an address in the city on the other.

It was all I needed.

BE HONEST NOW—IS THIS BOOK AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL?

Uh, partly. I think I looked into the abyss that Andrew jumps into and took a step back—unlike him. I did date a woman who was a bit older than me—and a lot richer. We met at a very smart party that I had shamelessly crashed with a friend. I thought she was so totally out of my league and I’d never seen so much free champagne—a taste of things to come!—and so I got rather drunk and just chatted away, thinking nothing would ever come of our encounter.

SO SHE “LOOKED AFTER” YOU LIKE MARION LOOKS AFTER ANDREW?

Sort of. We started off going halves, but in the end she bought me some clothes and paid for our holidays because she simply had so much more money than me that it was sort of unavoidable. It was fun and my buddies thought I’d hit the jackpot—literally—but I began to realise, just as Andrew does, that she who pays the piper calls the tune. It was not a balanced relationship and I ended up living a double life. I’d go down to the pub for a beer with my friends and then drink champagne cocktails in some smart restaurant with my girlfriend and her smart friends. I was developing a split personality, and I was really never comfortable with her paying for me all the time, so I had to end it.

WAS WRITING ABOUT IT A FORM OF THERAPY?

Yes, I guess it was. I felt quite embarrassed about being a “kept man,” and I saw some awful examples of the kind of bored, spoilt, aimless no-hoper that I could so easily have become. I suppose, like I say, I wanted to explore where the whole thing could have gone if I had not got out in time.

WHAT ANDREW DOES IS NOT VERY ADMIRABLE, IS IT?

Probably not. But let me tell you this: every man, deep down inside, has wondered at some point in his life what it would be like to be looked after financially. Like Andrew says, even in these days of equal opportunities it’s still considered a bit weird for a guy to look after the house and raise the kids while his wife brings home the money, but why shouldn’t it be that way round?

I think that Andrew is quite angry about it and he knows that if he doesn’t have a go now at living without having to
earn
a living he’ll never be able to do it again. He’s been on that college, school, job conveyor belt and he doesn’t really like it; he wants to see what other options there are. I thought it was important, though, that he learn a lesson by the end of the book—that living off someone, which is basically what he has been trying to do, is just not right.

WHY IS MARION AMERICAN?

I liked the idea of her being glamorous and slightly exotic, slightly out of Andrew’s terms of reference. She comes from a bizarre, twisted branch of the great American tradition of enterprise and inventiveness. She is a self-made woman—but almost to an extreme degree. She has created a complete persona and life story for herself and now she believes it’s all true. I’m not really sure what her real background and personal history are; I wanted to keep that a bit vague and mysterious.

IS MARK BASED ON A REAL PERSON?

He’s based on a number of people I’ve met. The point about Mark is that he is entirely two dimensional—charming and attractive, but there is nothing else there. He’s lost. He represents what Andrew could have become if he hadn’t seen the error of his ways.

VINNY SEEMS LIKE A NICE GUY.

I like Vinny. He’s based on a number of warm, funny but utterly, endearingly hopeless roommates I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. He’s the kind of guy who’s just too nice and too amused by the absurdities of life ever to be really successful, but he’ll never be short of genuine friends, and he’s programmed to have a good time in any situation.

Andrew might be better-looking and cooler than Vinny, but I think he’s really quite envious of his easygoing, amiable roommate. I liked the idea of trying to describe the awkward but close and sincere friendship of two young guys starting out in life.

DO YOU IMAGINE ANDREW AND JANE EVER GETTING TOGETHER?

Yes, I’d like to think that they do. I like the idea of their meeting in Buenos Aires and having a really serious, honest discussion about the way Andrew behaved and their true feelings for each other. Then they’d set off with nothing more than backpacks and a Lonely Planet guide to explore South America together. They’d see some incredible sights, have rows, make love, and meet some amazing people along the way. Basically, they’d be poor but happy!

DO YOU AND YOUR “GIRLFRIEND” STILL SPEAK?

Uh, no, not really. Our parting was not as horrific as Andrew and Marion’s, but when I realised that we couldn’t go on, I ended it as amicably as I could. I just hope she doesn’t read this book and sue me!