Until Then (Cornerstone Book 2) (27 page)

Simon arrived half an hour later. He greeted her with a grin. “Hey, beautiful.”

She smiled back at him from her spot on the couch, but was inwardly cringing.

“Let me get cleaned up and changed real quick, and we’ll go.”

Michelle let out a sigh when he disappeared into the bathroom. She heard the water run and the squeak of the towel ring as he wiped his hands. He moved from the bathroom to his bedroom.

She took a deep breath, stood, and walked to his room.

He looked over his shoulder as she entered, standing there with a few buttons open on his dress shirt. His gaze moved from her head to her toes and back again. “You look nice.”

She raised an eyebrow at him as her eyes took him in. “So do you.”

He chuckled.

She walked slowly toward him, and he grabbed her hands and pulled her to him.

The feel of being in his arms was so comforting, but she didn’t want comfort tonight. She wanted more.

Her fingers caressed the small section of bared chest and went to work on the next button.

He took in a quick, unsteady breath.

She leaned in and kissed the spot she had revealed behind the button, then undid the next button and kissed that spot, then the next and the next, repeating the pattern.

He grabbed her arms and pulled her up to him, kissing her deeply.

She smiled against his mouth, knowing that her plan was working. Her fingers traced a path down his bare chest again and unbuttoned the last two pesky buttons. She pushed the shirt over his muscular shoulders and off his arms.

He shook the shirt off, letting it fall to the floor, and dragged her to him, finding her lips once more.

Her hands moved down over the muscles of his back to the top edge of his pants. She slid her fingertips around to the front and popped open the button there.

He jerked back away from her. “Michelle!”

She moved against him again. “I want you, Simon,” she breathed into his ear.

He groaned.

She reached for his pants again, for the zipper this time.

He grabbed her wrists and practically jumped back. “Stop!” He dropped her arms like hotcakes and ran his fingers through his hair.

She stared at him in disbelief.

“What were you thinking?” He looked completely panicked.

“I was thinking we should take our relationship to the next level,” she blurted.

His eyes shifted about the room, anywhere but at her.

She stepped toward him. “I know you want me, too.”

He backed away from her and shook his head. “Not like this.”

“Not like what?”

“We’re not doing this.” He grabbed his crumpled shirt from the floor.

“Why not?”

He looked her straight in the eyes. “I’m not having sex before I’m married.”

She was sure her face was as red as her dress. Her cheeks were on fire, but not from the heat of their kisses. She was embarrassed and ashamed for what she had tried to get him to do. She backed up against the nearest wall, covering her face with her hands as she sank to the floor. Tears sprung to her eyes. And her mind suddenly flashed on Sean, whose entire life she had derailed for one night of sex. How could she have tried to use that very thing to keep Simon in a relationship with her? How could she do that? She had been so desperate to keep them together, when she knew deep down that it wasn’t working. She had been so willing to stoop to this level, when she knew it was a sin. And she realized that something was very wrong, something within her was still broken, and sex would never fix it.

Simon sat on the foot of his bed. “Michelle?”

She couldn’t look at him.

“I love you very much,” he said.

She glanced up at him then, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“But I don’t think we’re meant to be.”

A sob escaped before she could stop it.

He moved to sit next to her on the floor and took her right hand between both of his.

Her head fell onto his shoulder. “I’m so sorry,” she whimpered. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t, really.” She spoke between sobs. “I was just trying to hold onto you any way I could. It was so wrong to do this to you. So wrong, Simon. Can you ever forgive me?”

His forehead met hers. “Only if you forgive me.”

She leaned away and looked at him questioningly.

“I don’t wanna hurt you, Chelle, OK? I never wanted to hurt you. But I have to be honest with you.”

She knew what he was going to say even before he put it into words.

He looked out across his bedroom. “I have feelings for Maggie.”

A brief flash of jealousy hit her, but it faded quickly away and was replaced with relief at the truth she had long suspected.

“Whether I want them or not, they’re there,” he continued. “They have been for a very long time. And I can’t stay with you when I feel this way about her. It wouldn’t be right.”

She didn’t know what to say, but something about his honest confession freed her.

“You are one of the most important people in my life, Michelle. I hope you can forgive me for breaking your heart and ruining our friendship.”

The room was uncomfortably silent for far too long. The entire night seemed like a very bad dream. But it was real. All of it. And if she spoke, it would be the end for them.

“Please say something.” Tears had formed in his eyes, too.

“You haven’t.” Michelle paused. “Ruined our friendship, I mean.”

He looked at her hopefully.

“You could never lose my friendship. Not ever.”

He kissed the back of her hand, and she felt lighter somehow. The weight of wondering was replaced with the freedom of knowing.

When she arrived home, she sat for hours against the wall in her bedroom, trying to figure out how things had gone so wrong. Not just in her relationship with Simon, but in all of her relationships. The hours of thoughts and tears exhausted her, and she finally changed out of her dress and climbed into her bed for much needed rest.

In the middle of the night, she awoke in a panic. She couldn’t remember what she had dreamed or if it had been a nightmare, but her chest felt tight. She was sure she was having an actual panic attack. It was difficult to breathe, her brow was covered in sweat, and she trembled.

She was suddenly overwhelmed by all that had happened in her life — her crappy childhood, the things she had done, and the many secrets she held inside for so long. Her thoughts raced as she pictured her father walking to his car and driving away. It played like a movie on repeat. She stood at the door over and over staring after him, crying for him, wanting her daddy. But he didn’t want her. He left her. Everyone always left her.

Memories flashed by of all the high school partying, the guys she had been with, temporarily filling a void left by her father.

Then she saw the faces of the ones she loved. Simon. Maggie. Sean. She had wronged them all with her jealousy and promiscuity. And it suddenly occurred to her that, although she had asked Jesus into her heart all those years ago, she had never truly given all of her past over to God. She had held onto sinful habits and let them carry into her new life.

The slideshow in her mind paused on one particular moment — the day the invitation to Sean’s wedding had arrived in Simon’s mailbox. There was a wall of bitterness built up surrounding that day, and though she thought she had let it go long ago, she had not. She was angry with God for taking Sean away from her, and she realized
that
was it.
That
was the moment she had let come between her and God for all these years. From that day on, she had tried to find happiness on her own, rather than trusting God, and she had failed miserably.

She sat up, whipped the covers off, and slid to her knees on the floor. She didn’t know where to start or what to say. As she began to lower her forehead down to the carpet, her eyes caught sight of an envelope lying under her bed. She retrieved it from among the dust bunnies.

It was from Janice, postmarked nearly a month before, and she remembered the night that she had tossed the mail across the room when Simon stood her up. She opened the envelope and removed a simple notecard with a verse from Hebrews that read “I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.”

Inside, Janice had written, “I don’t know what kinds of things you’ve been dealing with lately, but I felt God very strongly telling me to write you today. So I am. Sweetie, God loves you so much. He is your loving Father, who wants you with Him always. He wants you to give Him all of the burdens of your past and live for Him from this moment on. And maybe you feel like you aren’t good enough because of things you’ve done, but let me tell you right now … YOU ARE. You are worthy of love. No matter what your past looks like. God will never leave you nor forsake you. Believe it, ‘cause it’s the truth!”

A sob ripped through her at the phrase “never leave you”.

“Oh, Lord,” she prayed aloud as she rested her forehead on the floor. “I’m so sorry for holding all of this bitterness inside for all of these years about my dad and about Sean. Please help me to forgive my dad for leaving me, for not loving me like he should have. Help me to let go of everything that happened with Sean and forgive myself for it. I’m sorry for the horrible things I’ve done. Please forgive me. I don’t want to do them any more. Please give me the strength to overcome these sins that keep creeping back into my life. Please help me to let go of my past. All of it. Because I don’t want it to define me or have any part in the choices I make in the future. You made me a new creation, and it’s about time I start living like one.”

The carpet grew damp from all of her tears, but she didn’t remove her forehead from that spot. She lay there crying until her knees started to ache and her legs tingled from lack of circulation. She pulled them out from under her and lay flat on her face on the floor. The panic that woke her began to subside, and she relaxed. More than she had in a very long time.

The tears returned when she thought about all the time she had wasted searching for her place in the world without really asking God what it was He wanted her to do. “I want to live for you now, God,” she whispered. “I do. You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Show me what to do next.”

And she thought she heard God softly whisper, “Go and sin no more.”

19

It felt strange to be back on campus again for the first time in a decade, but it also felt like home. Especially since the counseling center was housed in the same building that used to be her dorm. There had been a lot of updates to the college since she graduated, including the change in name to Cornerstone University.

After her breakup with Simon and her talk with God, she prayed daily for guidance, and her prayers were answered in the form of a job opportunity. Janice informed her of an opening for an administrative assistant in Cornerstone’s counseling department. It wasn’t her dream job, but it was far better than the boring office manager job and much closer to her psychology degree. She applied and got the job.

It was nice going to work every day, being part of a place that was so helpful to the students at Cornerstone. She wished she had sought out the kind of help the counseling center offered back when she was a freshman and dealing with so many changes in her new Christian life. She could have used someone to talk to, someone qualified to help. Maybe she would have figured out the error of her ways much sooner and not made so many mistakes along the way.

Day in and day out, she answered calls from students wanting to talk about problems in their families, couples dealing with marital troubles, girls dealing with sexual pressures in their relationships. She could relate to so many of these issues, and although her job was simply to set the counseling appointments, she believed what she did genuinely mattered.

After work one February evening, she strolled along the sidewalk toward the athletic center to attend a basketball game. The team was doing well this season, but it didn’t matter to her whether they were winning or not, she just missed the game. She missed cheering them on. She missed being a part of the student body, and being on campus made her feel connected again. Cornerstone was so important to her. Not only was it her alma mater, it was the place she had accepted Jesus into her heart, and she knew it was exactly where she was supposed to be.