Unravelled (3 page)

Four

THE ARTICLE ON a breast cancer survivor who’d opened a spiritual retreat on Whidbey Island was actually complete. I just had to give it a quick proofread before I emailed it off to the editor, but it had provided me an escape. As I trudged through the January drizzle back to my Queen Anne apartment, I couldn’t help but feel a little blue. I was surrounded by women who found men completely irrelevant. Even Angie adhered to a strict policy of men as recreational vehicles only. So, what was wrong with me? Why did I feel such a
compulsion
to find a partner and raise a family?

Maybe it was my parents’ fault? If they had fought more, I’d probably have a much more cynical view of marriage and family life. Or perhaps the farmers could be blamed? All the hormones in the chicken I was eating had undoubtedly ramped up my biological clock! And what about the television networks! How was a girl who grew up on a steady diet of
Growing Pains
and
Family Ties
supposed to be satisfied with a solitary existence? God, maybe I
should
get a dog?

I let myself in to the blissfully quiet apartment. When Kendra was at work, I almost felt at home in our tiny abode. Tossing my empty coffee cup into the garbage can beneath the kitchen sink, I wandered through the feminine living room. As always, it was pristine, the rose throw pillows arranged just as Kendra liked them on the floral sofa; the extravagant lace window treatments tied back to let natural light in to the space. I continued on to my sparely furnished bedroom, and the tiny makeshift office in the far corner. There, on the small pressboard desk, my laptop lay dormant. Opening the lid, I waited patiently for the computer to revive then brought up the article.

It was pretty good. Johanna Kelly was perhaps not the most vibrant of interviews, but what did you expect from someone so at peace with herself and at one with the universe? I did a quick check for typos and general readability, and then emailed it off to
Northwest Life.

No sooner had I clicked
send
than an error message popped up on the screen:

Task Z “Sending” reported error (0x800DD0P): The connection to the server was interrupted. If this problem continues, contact your server administrator or internet service provider (ISP).

Damn, damn, damn! What was wrong with my email? How long would it be down? Minutes? Hours? Weeks? My article was due by the end of the day! Instinctively, my hand reached for the phone to call Colin at his office. He was far more technically savvy than I, and could at least offer some suggestions on how to remedy the problem. I had just lifted the receiver when I remembered.

A feeling of hopelessness engulfed me. How was I supposed to learn to live without a man when I couldn’t even fix my own computer? My article was going to be late,
Northwest Life
would never hire me again, and soon, word of my unreliability would get around to other publications. My freelance writing career would be destroyed. I’d have to get a job at GAP—or more likely Burger King, since I had no retail experience. And all because I had no boyfriend to help me fix my email!

Of course, I could still phone Colin. He wouldn’t mind helping me, I was sure of it. It’s not like I was dragging him away from the office to come over and unclog my toilet or something. It was no big deal, really. He could coach me over the phone, like one of those tech guys, but for free. We’d done it a million times. Colin would tell me to go into my tools menu, and then select something or other. If that didn’t fix it, he’d instruct me to check my modem to make sure the lights were blinking... or not blinking. Oh shit! Why hadn’t I paid more attention the last time he’d helped me?

But I couldn’t phone him. Hearing his voice would set me back weeks in wallowing time and I had vowed to move on. Besides, I didn’t need a man to survive! If Mel, Kendra, and Angie could make it on their own, then so could I. I was independent and self-reliant, a woman of the new millennium! I might not be able to revive my email, but I knew how to burn a CD.

Popping a disc into the drive, I saved my article onto it. I would take it down to
Northwest Life
in person. It was perfect! While there, I could chat with Martin, the editor, who was a nice, friendly guy with whom I had always had a rapport. Maybe I’d take him out for coffee? Pitch a few story ideas? I’d be simultaneously networking and socializing: both very positive steps in keeping me from becoming a housebound spinster.

Northwest Life
’s offices were downtown. Despite the rain, I decided to walk. This was getting better and better: networking, socializing, and now exercising! Really, I should hand-deliver my assignments more often. Surely editors were more likely to buy your stories when they had a personal relationship with you? Besides, who knew when I’d be on the market for a full-time job again? Freelancing had been a terrific idea when I’d had Colin’s paycheque to rely on when the rent was due.

When I finally arrived at the magazine’s head office, I was drenched. My waterproof jacket had kept my arms and torso dry, but my legs, feet, and an unfortunate spiral of hair (formerly known as my bangs), which had been peeking out from under my hood, were soaked. But my spirits would not be dampened. I was here to network and socialize. I couldn’t do that if I gave in to my drippy mood.

In the elevator I shook the water from my hair, and finger-combed it off to the side. The drowned rat look wasn’t very professional, but
Northwest Life
’s was a very laid-back and casual office. It was a free publication, kept afloat only by advertising dollars. Most of the employees seemed to work there for the sheer love of the magazine.

When the elevator stopped on the fifth floor, I walked down the slightly musty hallway and into their tiny workspace. A vacant reception desk greeted me upon entry into the nondescript office. From the back cubicles I could hear the tapping of keyboards, some muffled chit-chat, and the sound of a photocopier. “Hello?” I called, to no one in particular. No response. “Hello!” I said, louder this time. “You have a visitor!”

“Sorry!” A young woman with jet-black hair and fuchsia lipstick emerged. For some reason, she was holding a hammer at her side. “Can I help you?”

“I’m Beth Carruthers, a freelance writer,” I said with a smile. “I’m dropping off an article on CD. My email was down.”

“Oh, thanks,” the girl said. “I can take it.”

I handed her the disc. “Umm . . . Is Martin in?”

“Yeah, what did you say your name was again?”

“Beth Carruthers.”

Instead of using the phone, she wandered back through the cubicles swinging her hammer nonchalantly as she went. “Hey Martin! There’s a freelancer named Beth Carruthers here to see you.”

I’d always liked Martin. Our paths had crossed a number of times over the six years I’d been working in print media. He was of average height, with a slim build and a boyish twinkle in his dark brown eyes. Martin was always dressed in an understated but very stylish manner: perfectly faded jeans with an expensive, yet untucked, button-down shirt; darker denim with a soft, fitted charcoal T-shirt; a buttery, yet somehow rugged, dark brown leather jacket . . . Whatever he was wearing, he always looked polished, but not like he was trying too hard. Add to this a friendly, jovial nature and a great sense of humour, and there was no denying that Martin was a very attractive man. I was almost positive that he was gay.

There was nothing overt in his words or mannerisms, but I would have bet up to two hundred bucks on it. There was just something about the way he reacted to me—or rather, the way he didn’t react to me. Not to say that I was some Pamela Anderson type who turned all heterosexual men into drooling horndogs at the sight of me, but I could modestly say that I was a fairly attractive woman. I had once even been called Sandra Bullock-ish. Of course, this compliment had been paid by an extremely drunk ad exec who’d been trying to pick me up at a New Year’s Eve party, but still . . . Usually, when I met single, attractive men, there was a very subtle chemistry there. Sometimes, it was extremely subtle, almost imperceptible, but it was still
there.
Not with Martin. With Martin, it was “Hey Beth, good buddy, old pal” all the way. Gay. He had to be gay. My ego demanded it.

“Beth! Great to see you!” He emerged hurriedly from the back, looking as cute as ever.

“Hi, Martin.” We hugged, very briefly. “Sorry to drop by unannounced but I was wondering if I could buy you a coffee?”

He looked at his watch. “Oh, Jeez, I’d love to, but I’ve got a meeting with an advertiser in twenty minutes.”

“Well . . . another time, then.” I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice. “I’ve got a few story ideas that would be great for
Northwest Life.
”

“Could you pop by next week? Send me an email and we’ll set up a time.”

“Okay...” I was surprised by how dejected I felt. I had really been looking forward to some social interaction with a vibrant, witty man. Make that a vibrant, witty,
single
man—as uninterested (gay) as he was. “Well, I guess I’ll be going.”

“I’ll walk you out.”

Once inside the elevator, Martin stabbed frantically at the
door close
button before embarking on a 78 RPM diatribe on a variety of subjects, ranging from the latest issue of his magazine to his mother’s basal cell carcinoma removal. And I couldn’t help but notice how he fidgeted incessantly with the keys in the pocket of his leather jacket. He seemed really anxious, almost...nervous. This wasn’t the Martin I knew. I’d never seen him act this way before. Of course, our one-on-one conversations had been extremely limited. We had previously spent time together within the safety of a group of colleagues or at business functions. This was really the first time we’d been alone together.

That’s when it struck me! Could I have read him wrong? Maybe Martin really
was
attracted to me? He must have been hiding it all this time, but now that we were alone, his true feelings were emerging. How else would you explain his jittery composure? The nervous babbling? I took a moment to study him as he stood across from me. His eyes were darting around the tiny steel box, and a thin veil of sweat had appeared on his forehead. I hadn’t noticed it before but he was chewing furiously on a piece of gum. God! Either Martin had the major hots for me, or he was some kind of drug addict.

He caught my look. “Sorry—was I babbling?”

“Oh, no,” I assured him kindly. His attraction was flattering, but I wasn’t quite ready to start a new relationship. And of course, it’s not like I
needed
a man in my life to complete me. But perhaps if Martin was
that
in to me, he’d wait? Really, a few more weeks of healing time and I’d probably be good to go. The door opened and he followed me out into the foyer.

“It’s just that I’m trying to quit smoking and I’m a little on edge.”

Oh... So he
was
an addict. “Good for you,” I said, forcing an encouraging smile. “It must be tough, though.”

“It’s not so bad during the day,” Martin said, as we pushed through the revolving door and out into the overcast afternoon. “I’m busy with work and I always keep a big supply of nicotine gum on hand. I’ve got to run over to the Walgreens and stock up before my meeting.”

“Right...” I nodded as he continued to walk beside me.

“It’s the evenings that are brutal. I need to find something productive to do with my hands. I’m thinking of taking up macramé.”

I laughed. “You might want to find something a little more current. I doubt that those rope belts or plant hangers will come back in again.”

“How about cross-stitching? Rug hooking?”

I started to laugh again but a sudden thought stopped me. “Oh my god,” I mumbled, almost to myself.

“What?” Martin looked at me, still amused.

Did I dare ask him? Would he think it was a ludicrous proposition? Or the perfect solution? I decided it was worth a try. Taking a deep breath, I blurted out the question. “Would you be interested in joining a stitch ’n bitch club?”

Five

MARTIN SAID YES! I was so happy! He was the perfect addition to the knitting circle, for several reasons:

• He was someone I wanted to get to know better.

• He was a very cool and hip guy. Angie, connoisseur of all things cool and hip, was sure to be impressed by him.

• Strengthening my relationship with Martin could only help my freelance career. Because an editor would be more likely to buy a story from a writer who he knits with than just some other writer whom he barely knows, would he not?

• Martin would not embarrass me by knitting with yarn made from dog hair.

I also felt that Martin’s eagerness to join our knitting group validated my suspicions about his sexual preference. I mean, how many straight guys do you know who knit? Other than Brad Pitt and Russell Crowe, there could not be very many. This, combined with his general lack of interest in me as any kind of sexual object, seemed to confirm my theory.

That Thursday evening, I loaded a white plastic Safeway bag with all the required paraphernalia: hopeful blue-green yarn; two size-10 knitting needles; the paperback learn-to-knit book; and a bottle of trendy Pinot Noir. Angie hadn’t asked me to bring any refreshments, but knowing her, a bottle of wine wouldn’t go to waste. Angie was more famous for her hard-partying lifestyle than for her talk show gig.

I was slipping into my shoes in the hallway when I heard a key slide into the lock. Shit! I had hoped to make my escape without running into Kendra. My worst nightmare was that my roommate would want to tag along. She would likely regale the other guests with a scene-by-scene account of her favourite movie,
Maid in Manhattan,
all the while looking down her nose at anyone who dared drink an alcoholic beverage in her presence. At the end of our visit, Angie would take me aside and say: “Sorry Beth, but this knitting circle is for cool people only. You and your roomie don’t really fit in.”

“Where are you off to?” Kendra asked. As usual, there was something slightly accusing in her tone, as if I was undoubtedly headed to the nearest elementary school to sell guns to the schoolchildren.

“I’m going to my friend Angie’s place.”

“And what have you got there?”

“Yarn and knitting needles. Angie’s going to teach me to knit.”

“
And
a bottle of wine?” Kendra said, glimpsing the exposed neck of the glass bottle. “I’ve never heard of drinking alcohol while you learn to knit.”

“Well . . . th-there’s a few of us,” I stammered. “It’s a group thing... a stitch ’n bitch they call it...” I laughed nervously and looked at my watch. “Oh god! I’m really late. See ya later.” I hurried past her and out into the hall.

Phew! That was close. Outside, I pulled on my hood and began the ascent up the hill to Angie’s apartment. I lived in Lower Queen Anne, a quaint, but slightly seedy, part of the city, full of ethnic restaurants, Irish pubs, and aging three-storey apartment buildings. Angie lived only a few blocks from me on Queen Anne Hill. In contrast to mine, her neighbourhood was a quiet enclave of tree-lined streets and elegant, stately buildings. While my apartment had retained much of its turn-of-the-century character, it was definitely bordering on shabby. Angie’s suite had been maintained in pristine condition. I think she paid roughly double the rent that Kendra and I did.

When Angie buzzed me into her building, I paused in the tastefully understated lobby. A large, rectangular gilt-framed mirror ran along one wall and I took in my reflection. The hood had managed to flatten the back of my hair while the rain had frizzed up the front. Finger-combing my chestnut curls seemed to help a little. But why did I look so pale all of a sudden? And where had these dark circles under my eyes come from? I was certainly not looking very Sandra Bullocky this evening. These slight feelings of insecurity were not uncommon when I was about to see Angie. It wasn’t that she purposefully tried to make me feel like a pale, frizzy-haired behemoth, but in her presence, I sometimes did. She was just so petite, so blonde, so stylish . . . And her hair—well, her hair was just ridiculous. Normal people did not have thick, lustrous manes like hers. And now, thanks to the holistic scalp treatment, it probably smelled like a basket full of strawberries, too.

“Hi!” Angie opened her door and greeted me with a hug. She was wearing a silk halter-style top in a deep chartreuse, which I could only assume was the height of fashion. The legs of her designer jeans grazed the top of pointy black boots with a three-inch heel. Still, she was at least two inches shorter than I was. “Come in. Oh! You brought red wine. Great!”

I followed her into the living room where two women and Martin occupied Angie’s sumptuous furniture. A large, brightly coloured glass tray laden with a variety of appetizers sat on her low dark-wood coffee table. “Help yourself to a snack,” she instructed. “I’ll get you a drink and then we’ll do the introductions.”

“Hi.” I exchanged smiles and brief greetings with the two strangers, and then took a seat on the stylish charcoal ottoman next to my gay friend.

“All right everyone,” Angie announced, returning to the room and handing me a glass of red wine. “Welcome to our first official stitch ’n bitch. Let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves. Please give your name, a short background, and tell us what brought you here today and why you want to learn to knit.”

It was like an AA meeting or something—except for the wine. Not that I had ever been to an AA meeting... and thanks to the positive steps I was taking to get my life back on track, I probably never would. But from what I had seen on TV, recovering alcoholics—and also sex addicts, come to think of it—had to go through a similar introduction process.

“I’ll begin,” Angie said. “My name is Angie—”

“Hi Angie,” we chorused. Obviously, I wasn’t the only one seeing the AA parallels.

“I’m thirty-two years old and I’m cohost of
The Buzz
on Channel 13. I started this group mainly because knitting is so hot right now. I mean, anyone who’s anyone is doing it: movie stars, pop stars, businessmen . . . It’s a great way to relieve stress and to get your creativity flowing.” She paused, a delighted grin spreading across her berry lips. “I might even do a story on our group . . . if you don’t mind being on TV?” She gave us a little wink, as if she’d just offered us a guest-starring role on
Desperate Housewives.
I would never have let on to Angie, but while
The Buzz
did have a dedicated following, it wasn’t exactly the next
Dateline.

“That’s it really...” she continued with a shrug. “I just like to be on the cutting edge of new trends. It’s a passion of mine. So... who’s next?”

The cute dark-haired woman to my right cleared her throat. “Hi,” she said, smiling sweetly around the room. “My name’s Sophie. Angie and I are old friends. We went to high school together back in Spokane.” She looked to Angie who made a face to indicate that going to high school in Spokane was not exactly the highlight of her life. “Anyway...my husband was recently transferred to Seattle and it gave me the opportunity to reconnect with Angie. She suggested this knitting circle would be a good way to meet people.”

“Great,” we all mumbled. “Welcome,” Martin said, smiling genuinely at the newcomer.

“Oh! I almost forgot to mention...” Sophie gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. “I’m also a mom. I have an adorable thirteen-month-old son named Flynn. I’m looking forward to knitting him some cute little hats and sweaters.”

“Sweet,” someone said.

“Awwww . . .” from another.

I made some kind of appropriate cooing noise, but I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of envy. There was no baby in my foreseeable future to knit cute little hats and sweaters for. But I forced myself to snap out if it, and took another big drink of wine. Look at the bright side, I told myself. If I were pregnant, or planning to get pregnant soon, I couldn’t enjoy this delicious Pinot Noir.

Next up was an attractive young woman with sandy-blonde hair, pulled back to highlight her incredible bone structure and grey-green eyes. “Hi. I’m Nicola. I’m twenty-eight and I work in PR. Sophie invited me along—we met at Pilates class. I guess the reason I’m here is that I’ve been completely immersed in planning my upcoming wedding.”

“Congratulations,” Angie said.

I smiled through another uncomfortable twinge. Twenty-eight years old and about to get married; obviously she was well ahead of the thirtieth-birthday deadline.

“Thanks. It’s going to be an incredible day... everything I’ve ever dreamed of, but all the preparations are soooo stressful. I mean, I used to think my job was high pressure, but that’s nothing! Anyway, I recently read an article about stockbrokers taking up knitting to combat their high stress levels. When Sophie suggested I join, I thought: Well, if it works for stockbrokers, it should work for brides, too!”

“We could all use a little de-stressing,” Angie said to Nicola.

Now it was Martin’s turn. “I guess I’m the token male.” Everyone giggled . . . Angie, a little flirtatiously, I thought. It was second nature for Angie to act that way around men. She didn’t yet realize what a waste of time it was in Martin’s case. “My name’s Martin. I’m a friend and colleague of Beth’s.” He indicated me with his hand, as I had not yet introduced myself. “I’ve been a smoker for... god, I started when I was fifteen so . . . almost twenty years. I’m finally trying to quit. I was moaning to Beth just the other day about how the evenings are the hardest, when I have nothing to keep my mind and hands busy. She suggested I join you in learning how to knit so . . . here I am.”

“Well, I hope you’ll enjoy having something new to do with those hands,” Angie said, a devilish twinkle in her eye.

Sophie leaned toward him. “Glad you could join us. It’s good to have a little testosterone in the group.”

A very little, I felt like adding. I wished Martin had introduced himself as “Beth’s
gay
friend and colleague”—just to save any confusion or embarrassment.

I went next. “Hi. My name is Beth. I’m a freelance writer for various magazines around town. When Angie invited me to join the stitch ’n bitch club, I thought it would be a good way to meet some new people. I’ve uh . . . recently gone through some major changes in my personal life, so it’s the perfect time to learn a new hobby... and make some new friends.” I smiled at everyone.

Of course, what I really meant was:
Hi. My name is Beth. I’m a freelance writer for various magazines around town. When Angie invited me to join the stitch ’n bitch club, I felt like running and hiding under my bed. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was meet new people and learn a new hobby. But ever since I broke up with the love of my life, I’ve been teetering on the brink of depression and potential alcoholism. Recently, I had an epiphany where I realized that if I don’t get some semblance of a social life soon, I will turn into my mini-doughnut eating, chick-flick watching drone of a roommate.

I silently wondered if any of the other guests had an ulterior motive for joining the group.

With impeccable timing, Angie’s intercom buzzed. “Ah!” she said, standing up from her plush sofa. “That’ll be our coach.”

As Angie hurried to the door, the rest of us exchanged bemused looks.

“That would be our
knitting
coach?” Nicola, the bride-to-be, asked.

“That’s a new one on me,” Martin said. He was biting the side of his finger, obviously wishing it was a cigarette.

Angie returned, trailed by a tall mid-fortyish woman with curly salt-and-pepper hair. She was wearing a large, brightly coloured poncho. “Everyone, this is Mary from The Yarn Barn. She’s going to help us get started with our knitting.”

“Hi Mary,” we chorused, and then briefly introduced ourselves. Mary took a seat in our midst and we all extracted our materials. I felt all tingly and excited as I removed the positive and hopeful blue-green yarn. Maybe it was the glass of wine, which Angie kept refilling, but I was actually enjoying myself. While the single-to-committed ratio in the group wasn’t exactly what I’d hoped, I liked these people. Perhaps it was a little too early to tell, but I felt the beginnings of a bond with them. Yes, I’d definitely had too much wine.

“Okay...” Mary began, when we all sat with needles and balls of yarn on our laps. “The first step in beginning to knit is casting stitches on to your needle. Unfortunately, casting on is one of the trickiest parts of knitting, but once you’ve mastered it and moved on, it’ll be smooth sailing.”

“I think we need more wine for this.” Angie hurried to the kitchen.

“I think I need less wine for this,” I said. “I’m not very... uh . . .
craftily inclined.
”

Sophie, the young mom, laughed. “Neither am I. We can help each other.”

“All right everyone.” Mary regained our attention. “Let’s begin by making a slip knot.”

“Hang on!” Angie called, refilling Nicola’s glass, then rushing the wine bottle back to the kitchen.