Unraveled (Holding On Book 3) (11 page)

She felt herself go limp and he led her the few feet back to the couch where they both sat. Those were words she never thought Jesse would say. Years ago, they were the words she was dying to hear and they never came.
Now? She didn’t know how to respond to them. She wasn’t sure if she should believe him, for one thing.

When she remained silent, he continued.

“That’s what I meant when I said I wanted a do-over. I want to do things right with you this time. I know we have a messy history. I want to get past that.” His demeanor was tense again as he watched her, waiting. “Will you please say something?”

She gave him a small shrug
, still trying to absorb it all. “I honestly don’t know what to say. A huge part of me thinks you’re just messing with me.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. “Then I’ll keep talking. I’ll talk until I can convince you. Do you remember last night when I told you nothing about you is easy? Nothing about you is easy! And I fucking love you for it. Why can’t you see that?”

She blinked at him. Surprised wasn’t a strong enough description for what she felt
. He loved her
? She wanted to question him. She wanted to refute him. But more than anything? She wanted to believe him. She just…couldn’t.

“Carly, it’s always been y
ou. Even when there were others—when you wanted nothing to do with me—it’s always come back to you. Every single time over the years. Now you can hate me, you can use me, you can drag me around by the balls. And you know what? I probably won’t try to stop you. I love you so much I’d do anything for you.”

She shook her head. “
You need to stop saying that. That you love me. And a relationship? I don’t want it to be that way. A relationship
shouldn’t
be that way.”

He let out a relieved exhale. “I know. So let’s turn it into something else.”

“Why are you doing this?” she whispered. “Why now?”

“Because I didn’t do it before,” he said. “And if I don’t do it now, right now, I’m afraid you’re going to slip away again. I can’t let that happen.”

Her emotions were a swirling mess. His words went against everything she ever believed about the relationship they had. There was no way he could love her. He just used her. The same way she always used him.
Right
?

The
cautious yet hopeful look on his face made her think maybe that
wasn’t
right.

“Why would’ve I told you before?
” he continued. “Admit it. You got a thrill out of leaving me hanging and busting my balls. If anyone can tear me apart inside it’s you. Why would I bare my soul? Lay it all out…but I’m doing it now. It’s worth it. It’s worth taking the chance, once and for all. You have all the power here Carly. You can either destroy me…Or you can make me whole.”

“I can destroy you?” she said quietly. “The way you destroyed me?”

“Carly—”

“You talked me into losing my virginity and then you just…you walked away from me.
”  Her heart twisted as she said the words. This was something that they had
never
talked about. She had never talked about it with anyone other than Quinn. Even then, she hadn’t told her sister everything.

The aftermath of losing her virginity to Jesse had nearly destroyed her. Though it had been years ago, the emotional turmoil that followed still hurt
because looking back, she’d been far too young. She’d been completely unprepared to deal with the emotional consequences. While she hadn’t meant to bring it up, now that the words were out there, she was almost glad they were. The consequences of that night had shaped her into a person she sometimes didn’t like very well.

She let out a bitter laugh. “
Actually, you didn’t walk away from me. You ran. You ran to the first girl that would have you. And then you made damn sure I knew about it.” She took in a shaky breath. “And then? You didn’t stop there. I heard about the others. But I’m sure you knew that.”

“I talked you…?” he stared in disbelief. “Carly, do you really remember it that way?
Really?
Because…I don’t.”

She didn’t, either. S
he wanted to, because it was easier to put the blame on him. She remembered with mortifying clarity what she had done. She’d set out to seduce him and she’d succeeded. While she’d been young and inexperienced, she’d been absolutely determined. In the end, that had been all that mattered.

Humiliation
colored her cheeks. He’d been a horny teenager. Though she had no idea what she was doing technically, she had known exactly what she was going for…physically.

She started to stand but he firmly pushed her back down.

“Don’t walk away now,” he nearly pleaded. “We both know this conversation is long overdue. We both know that it’s the cause of everything bad that ever happened between us.”

“I really don’t want to talk about it,” she said as she averted her gaze.

“I know. To be honest,” he said, “neither do I. So that’s probably exactly why we should. We’ve avoided it for way too long.”

“I just, I don’t know what to say about it! Okay, yes, so maybe I instigated it. But you didn’t have to treat me so
horribly
afterwards!” she cried. “Why,” she demanded, “
why
did you do that?”

“You were
barely
fifteen. I was just weeks away from graduation. I was eighteen, going on nineteen that summer.”

She looked at him, her eyes narrowed. “
You knew that going into it.”

“
First off, I didn’t
plan
on having sex with you that night. I thought I was just giving you a ride home. And then…then you were so aggressive. I thought that no way were you a virgin,” he said quietly. “I guess I should’ve asked. I thought if you were,
you
would’ve told me. And honestly, by that point, you had me so far gone that your age was the last thing on my mind.”

“But that mattered later?
By the next weekend you wouldn’t even talk to me!”

“
Does the term
jailbait
mean anything to you? By the
next weekend
, I realized that’s exactly what you were. I knew you were young but I didn’t realize you were
that
young. I was absolutely terrified of you! I had to make a clean break.”

“You could’ve just told me that,
” she said. “You didn’t have to sleep with Nicole Miller that weekend.” She didn’t mention the other girls that followed in the ensuing months.

“You were a tenacious little girl,” Jesse said. There was no condescension in his tone. He was simply being honest and they both knew it. She had been tenacious then, and she was still. “What good would it have done if I told you
? If I had admitted I was interested? Would have you backed down then?”

She shook her head subtly. “I never would’ve told anyone. If you would’ve kept seeing me, I never would’ve told. All I wanted was you. No one else had to know.”

“I know. And that was the problem. If you had known how I felt about you, you wouldn’t have walked away. I know you Carly. You would’ve promised to keep it all a secret. You would’ve had me wrapped so tightly around that little finger of yours. Even if you never would’ve told, it would’ve been wrong. I was too old for you.”

She shrugged but it was force
d. “We were
both
in high school. You can’t pretend that senior guys didn’t chase after freshman girls all the time.” She didn’t point out that he was right. She had thrown herself at him only weeks after her fifteenth birthday. She had been one of the youngest in her freshman class. He hadn’t known that. Not until after the fact. All she’d thought of at the time was that he was a senior.

And she
had wanted him.

Period.
End of story
.

“
Yeah, I know it happens. A lot. Seniors going after freshman. But that doesn’t make it right. And your mother? You might have been fine with it all but could you imagine if your mom had ever found out? I mean, I didn’t know your mom. But I knew
of
her. I mean, Jake was my best friend so I knew a little about your mom because Quinn and Luke were best friends. And our parents went to church together.” Carly cringed because he was right. She’d never actually thought of that. “She would’ve thrown my ass in jail for statutory rape in a heartbeat. Don’t tell me she wouldn’t have! She wouldn’t even let Quinn sleep over at Jake’s and Quinn was
twenty-two
! I mean, I didn’t know that then, obviously. But looking back, I don’t doubt that your mom would’ve nailed my ass to the wall. There’s almost a four year age difference between us. It doesn’t matter now, but it sure did then.”

Carly
let out a sigh. For the first time, she was finally grasping his side of things. Maybe he hadn’t been such an ass, after all.

“If she would’ve found out that her barely fifteen year-old was messing around with a guy who
had been legally an adult for almost a year? Yeah,” he said with a shake of his head, “you can bet she would’ve made sure I paid for that. I couldn’t take the chance. You know I only got into college because of a football scholarship. My family couldn’t have afforded to send me. Not only could’ve I landed myself in jail, I could’ve had my whole future swirling down the toilet. Not to mention
your
reputation swirling right along with it if that ever got out. No fucking way was I going to let that happen to you.”

She folded her arms across her chest as a tear trickled down. She angrily swiped it away. There was no way that was true. He couldn’t have been tryin
g to protect her? Not back then. Could’ve he? He had torn her heart right out, shredded it to a point beyond recognition and then tossed it on the floor at her feet. All in the name of protecting her?

Looking back, she was sure it was hormones, or an obsession that left her so twisted up in him. Or likely, an obsession fueled by hormones
, but she’d really thought she loved him. And he
had
destroyed her, whether he’d meant to or not.

Jesse was watching her as the emotions and realizations swept over her.

“Carly, I wanted you. I’ve
always
wanted you. I haven’t always been the best at being a stand-up guy. I was young and scared and stupid. I handled the situation like a complete jackass. But back then, I was trying to do the right thing in my own, messed up way. Those other girls—”

“You couldn’t have hurt me more if you’d tried,” she admitted.

He hung his head. “Yeah, I know. I see that now. At the time, all I could think about was trying to push you away. But later, I realized how much I hurt you. And then, all those years you spent trying to hurt me back, I thought I deserved it. But I want to move past that. I swear, I never in a million fucking years thought we’d end up here, right now, with all of this fucking baggage between us. All because of what happened when we were fucking kids.”

She swallowed hard. “If
you’re trying to romance me, you’d be doing a better job of it if you cut out the f-word.”

He hung his head for a second. “You’re right. You have me so worked up.  You always
get me so worked up. I’m sorry.”

“Why did you wait so long to tell me?”

“I’ve been waiting for you to be ready to hear it. So I’m throwing it out there. Because at this point? What do I have to lose? I thought for sure I lost you to that douche. But somehow,
I
lucked out. Last night, I realized I might just have a chance. And this time? I’m not going to throw it away. So whether you feel the same, or you don’t, at least I know. At least I’ve tried. I’ve been honest. I’ve laid it all out there. I won’t have to be left wondering ‘what if’ because I’ll know.”

She was blinking away tears again. She refused to let them fall. Even after all they’d been through, she’d never allowed herself to cry in front of him. She didn’t want to start now. Instead she said, “I wish you would’ve told me that night at Shady’s. The nigh
t you found out I was engaged. When you asked me to take a walk with you…It would’ve saved so much time. Why didn’t you just tell me that night?”

She didn’t want to admit to him that she’d thought he was going to. At the time, she’d thought that was the reason he was requesting a minute alone with her. She would never admit to anyone that had he asked her that night to call of the engagement, she would have.

Jesse blew out a breath. “You seemed happy with him. You never seemed happy with me. I just wanted you to be happy. If I couldn’t give that to you, and someone else could, I wasn’t going to take that away.” He paused, his eyes searching hers and she felt as if he were trying to excavate some form of truth and understanding. “
Why
weren’t you ever happy with me?”

“I was never happy because I never thought you wanted me. That’s all it would’ve taken.
For you to tell me that. That’s all I needed to know.” She dug deep inside of herself, searching for a way to return some of the honesty he’d given her. “I’m not the same person I was a few years ago. I’m for sure not the same person I was at fifteen.”