Uniform Desires (Make Mine Military Romance) (6 page)

He closed his eyes, trying to stamp out the feelings that thought brought about, but it didn’t help. Every time he did, images from the firefight, of watching one of his best friends get shot, feeling the bullet piercing his skin...

Fuck
. People who thought that you didn’t remember things like that were fucked in the head. They didn’t seem to understand that people would live with the memories the rest of their lives. And fuck, he didn’t need to go back there, didn’t want to remember how screwed up everything had become and how all of them had come back with more than just a little baggage, including the coffin of one of their own.

He pushed aside the irritation and the damn fucking vulnerability that seemed to choke him constantly and finished his shower.

He might consider himself a coward in a lot of ways now, but it was definitely time to face Shannon.

Chapter 6

Shannon finished pouring the casserole into a pot to warm up when she heard footsteps behind her. She didn’t have to turn around to see who it was. She knew it was Kade. Something stirred on the back of her neck anytime he was near.

“It should be warmed up in just a sec.”

He hesitated for a second, then he stepped over the threshold. She didn’t want to turn around until she was composed. She didn’t want to cry, didn’t want pity from a man who would probably disdain female tears. The only men who didn’t complain about her tears were her gay friends.

When she had herself under control, she turned to face him.

“Do y’all know how long you’re going to be in town?”

He studied her for a second. "We have a week off before we have to go back.”

She nodded. "Why don’t you have a seat at the kitchen table? I’ll get some bread cut up.”

Before she could do that, he said, "Shannon.”

She knew that tone, knew that he was going to try and let her down easy. She wasn’t in the mood. Her feelings were too near the surface, a bubbling caldron of irritation, pain and shock.

“Yes?”

“I thought you would want to talk about us.”

His normally easy voice sounded strained, as if he were barely holding onto his temper. Why was he mad at her?

“I got the impression there was no ‘us.’”

Kade stared at her then with those deep blue eyes of his, as if trying to find out if she were telling the truth. Did he think she would beg him back into her bed?
Fat chance there, buddy
.

“I thought women liked to discuss these things.”

“Maybe. Most of the time. But you made it pretty clear by not contacting me. I guess I could beg for a reason, but those are just made up most of the time, right? I mean, when you break up with someone, most of the time it’s because they just weren’t for you.” She forced herself to shrug as if it were nothing big. "It’s fine, Kade. You didn’t have to pretend it was something it wasn’t. I won’t bother you.”

He muttered something under his breath, and she got a bit of satisfaction over that.

Frustrated? Suck it up, Seal.

“Now, I’m going to get the jambalaya ready for y’all, and then I’m taking a long, hot shower. It’s been a bitch of a day.”

He stared at her as if she had grown another head.

“It wasn’t that I didn’t think it was special. It was. Just...things are different now.”

She cocked her head to one side and studied him. "How so?”

She knew it was rude, but she didn’t give a damn. If he wanted to drag all this shit out, then she wasn’t going to make it easy on him.

“Just...things happened. I…,” he swallowed, and his breathing increased. "I’m not fit for a relationship right now.”

“Okay.”

He frowned harder. "Okay?”

“Listen, Kade, I’m not sure what kind of women you usually get involved with, but I’m a sister of a Seal. I know what your life is like. And I know that sometimes you come back a little less stable than before. Don’t forget, Mal stays with me most of the time after he comes back from a long mission. The fact you don’t want me hurts, of course. I am strong enough to say that.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t want you.”

The words seemed to be torn from some place deep inside of him.

“But...”

He swallowed again. "I just can’t.”

She sighed, regret and pain filling her heart. She wanted to yell, but couldn’t. Not with him looking so damned sad, not to mention her other two houseguests.

“Tell you what, Seal. You get your shit together, then you can let me know. But I’m not waiting around forever.”

Just then, her brother walked up behind him. "Is that jambalaya I smell?”

She smiled at the happiness in her brother’s voice. He always said the smell of jambalaya simmering in the kitchen was the one thing that reminded him of home.

“Sure, and I have some bread too. But first, I have to get changed and de-stress.” She walked to the doorway and had to inch past Kade. Dammit, the man wasn’t making it easy on her. She could smell him, the soap he had used, and the wild untamed scent that was totally Kade. She inched past him, gave her brother a hug, and then walked to her bedroom.

As soon as she shut the door, she leaned back against it. Her heart was beating a mile a minute, her body a strange mixture of hurt and arousal. How could he still do that to her? Of course, she hadn’t really accepted the end, not that there was actually a beginning. Still, there had been that kernel of hope she had held onto. She felt the sharp jab to the chest. Damn the man for getting her tangled up. She knew he still wanted her. Well, she was pretty sure. But something was holding him back. Mal? She figured if Mal knew about them, he wouldn’t have brought him here. He played the easygoing brother, but he would kill a man for looking sideways at his sisters.

She closed her eyes and felt the tears slip free. She couldn’t do this.
Would
not do this. She had to hold herself together. The three men in her house where all holding on by a very tiny thread. Mal might not have talked to her about it, but she knew the last mission was worse than any of the ones they had been on.

Drawing in a deep breath, she started to undress. She needed to get her emotions under control. They didn’t need a blabbering woman crying all over them.

By the time she had changed into comfy clothes and splashed water on her face, her temper had cooled and she had washed away some of the fatigue that was pulling her down. She dried her face and looked at herself in the mirror. She had always been considered the "healthy one.” Teenage years being Jocelyn Dupree’s sister hadn’t been easy, that was for sure. With her tall, athletic body, Jocelyn had always made Shannon feel like a goblin. But in her late teens, she had grown into her body. She was full, curvy, and she thought, happy with what God gave her. Unlike some of her friends who dieted constantly, she never lacked for male companionship. And she had always thought Kade liked her just the way she was.

With a sigh, she decided to clean the rest of her makeup off and get out there. Those Seals needed someone who could hold it together.

And if there was one thing about the Dupree women, they held it together with an iron fist.

· · · · ·

“So, do you know if your sister is seeing someone?” Deke asked Mal.

Again, Kade had to bite back a growl. Being in her house, being that close to her, had his possessiveness growing.

Mal looked at him then smiled at Deke. "Nope. Not that I know of. There was that one guy...Mike?”

“Jonathon,” Kade said.

“Yeah, Mike was the guy before. Well, good old Jon was trying his best to tie her down. Shannon kicked him to the curb. I really thought he would be at the wedding in Hawaii.”

“If she cooked this, I think I’m in love.”

Mal laughed. "Oh, lord, no. You don’t want Shannon’s cooking.”

“Am I being disparaged in my own kitchen?

He wasn’t ready for her. Would he ever get used to being this close? He didn’t think so. Before Hawaii, he could control his feelings more easily. Now, he seemed to be completely off. Nothing seemed to work. He felt powerless to do anything about it. Every day he was worried he would freak the hell out.

Before, she had been sexy. There wasn’t anything she could wear that would make her look ugly. Shannon personified beauty. Now, though, she looked...cuddly. Due to the cold weather, she had pulled on soft, pink sweats. They shouldn’t make her any more attractive, but they did. Just seeing her that way made his body respond. He wanted to do nothing more than pull her into his arms and snuggle. Then fuck her until neither of them remembered their names.

The thought had his brain almost shutting down. From the time he’d been medevac’d out, he had been out of it. Even thinking about Shannon hurt. He had thought that there was a good chance he couldn’t be the man for her anymore. He knew he couldn’t. Right now, he was desperately trying not to imagine her tied to his bed as he pleasured her.

“Of course I’m making fun of your cooking. It sucks,” Mal said, agreeable.

“No pancakes for you,” she admonished, but she smiled when she said it.

“Okay, I take that back. Everything Shannon makes sucks, except for her pancakes.”

Deke smiled at her. "Cooking isn’t that important when a woman can look as beautiful as you do in a pair of sweats.”

Shannon laughed and placed her hand on Deke’s shoulder in a friendly gesture. Something rumbled in his chest at the sight. She glanced at him, her eyes widening a bit.

“I see y’all definitely left me nothing to eat.”

“You don’t eat this late,” Mal said. "Does she, Kade?”

He was still irritated that her hand was on Chief’s shoulder. The contact was far from intimate, but it was driving Kade insane.

“So she claims.”

She glanced at him again, her brows now furrowed. But she said nothing to defy his suggestive tone.

“I ate something earlier, before you got here. I would have been home if you would have told me you were bringing guests.”

“I had to drag these two along.”

She shook her head and went to get herself some water. "What kind of Seal needs to be forced to come to New Orleans? You boys need to have your heads checked out.”

“If I had known you would be waiting here, I would have offered to drive,” Deke said.

She laughed. It was that sexy little flirty laugh he loved. And she was doing it for some guy. Some other guy, who was looking at her like he had a chance at her. Dammit, didn’t Chief know not to take advantage of Shannon? She was
his.

He pulled back from that thought. She wasn’t his. Never would be again.

Fuck, he needed some rest.

“I think I better get some sleep.”

“Do you need anything?” Shannon asked. Her tone was normal, but there was a hint of something else there. He looked over at her, but he couldn’t decide if it was wishful thinking.

“No, just some sleep. It was a long drive from Virginia.”

She nodded in understanding.

“This old man needs some sleep if he’s going to see any of New Orleans tomorrow. Been a while since I’ve been here,” Deke said.

“If you need someone to show you around, let me know. I scheduled myself off the rest of the week to spend time with Mal. I’m sure he will get sick of me within six hours,” Shannon said.

Deke smiled at her. “Thanks.”

Kade and Deke made their way to their rooms. The guest room was right by the stairs, and Deke stopped him there.

“You don’t have a problem if I ask Shannon out while I’m here, do you?”

He wanted to tell him to stay the hell away from Shannon. He wasn’t her type. He was too old. And she was his.

But that wasn’t true. None of it.

“No problem, mate.”

He turned and walked into his room, thinking that for the first time in a week, he would be taking the hard meds.

· · · · ·

“You want to tell me why you brought this motley crew to my house without warning?”

Mal shook his head. "I didn’t want to say I was bringing them if I couldn’t convince them. Both of them just wanted to spend the week sitting around their quarters. I thought it wasn’t a good idea.”

“That bad?”

He nodded. "Actually, probably worse. We lost Forrester.”

The name brought to mind the young kid that had spent his honeymoon in New Orleans just a year earlier. "Oh, shit.”

“Yeah, Amanda is kind of a wreck.”

“I can imagine. How are you doing?”

“You can see that my beautiful face is just fine.”

She took his hand and tugged on it. "No. I want to know if you are doing okay.”

For once, Mal’s expression turned serious. "Yeah. A few dreams here and there, but no depression. Seriously, I was knocked unconscious and missed the worst of it.”

“I take it Deke and Kade didn’t? They looked a little roughed up.”

“They look amazing compared to what they looked like a few weeks ago. Kade especially. I understand we almost lost him. He was trying to save Forrester.”