Underneath It All (30 page)
Authors: Margo Candela
98
Nate and Bethany
I
took the easy way out and left a message at Nate and Bethany’s hotel, just hours before they’re supposed to check in. I apologized, of course, that I wouldn’t be able to make dinner since I’m on my way to India and to give me a call the next time they find themselves in San Francisco. A beautiful arrangement of Rustique roses from French Tulip will greet them in their room and set the mood for the rest of their married lives. Together.
took the easy way out and left a message at Nate and Bethany’s hotel, just hours before they’re supposed to check in. I apologized, of course, that I wouldn’t be able to make dinner since I’m on my way to India and to give me a call the next time they find themselves in San Francisco. A beautiful arrangement of Rustique roses from French Tulip will greet them in their room and set the mood for the rest of their married lives. Together.
I doubt Bethany would have married him if she didn’t really love him. Why would she? She had a good-enough reason to call it off, but she didn’t.
Maybe Nate has really changed and his being my former husband isn’t a handicap after all. Maybe he is truly capable of having a fulfilling adult relationship with the woman he has kept the truth from, convinced his whole family to lie to and presented with a used diamond engagement ring. You never know. It is a very nice ring, after all.
Either way, I truly wish them the best of luck.
99
Mamá
“
D
id you get the money
tu papá
sent
con
Noel?” These are my mother’s first words to me when I call her to tell her good-bye. “He sent
cien dólares
.”
D
id you get the money
tu papá
sent
con
Noel?” These are my mother’s first words to me when I call her to tell her good-bye. “He sent
cien dólares
.”
“
Sí, lo tengo
.” I pressed the crisp $100 bill between the pages of the Bible my mother gave me when I first left home, the first time I’ve ever cracked it open. I never plan to spend it. I can imagine my father driving to the bank and requesting the crisp new bill and maybe even bragging to the teller that his daughter was leaving for an adventure of a lifetime. More likely it’s all my mother’s doing. But I’ll let myself pretend it’s my father’s way of saying he loves me. “Tell Dad
gracias
. Really, it means a lot.”
Sí, lo tengo
.” I pressed the crisp $100 bill between the pages of the Bible my mother gave me when I first left home, the first time I’ve ever cracked it open. I never plan to spend it. I can imagine my father driving to the bank and requesting the crisp new bill and maybe even bragging to the teller that his daughter was leaving for an adventure of a lifetime. More likely it’s all my mother’s doing. But I’ll let myself pretend it’s my father’s way of saying he loves me. “Tell Dad
gracias
. Really, it means a lot.”
My mother, instead of lamenting my lack of husband, lack of job, lack of direction, merely asks,
“¿Qué buscas?”
“¿Qué buscas?”
What can I say? I didn’t have a good answer for her almost a decade ago and I don’t have a good one now.
“I don’t know, Mom ... Maybe I’ll finally find out if I’m looking for anything at all.”
100
Me
B
y hour nineteen, and still a few thousand miles from Bombay, or Mumbai, as Bina insists on calling it, I finally feel it’s safe to just let go of everything I’ve left behind in San Francisco. I cry and laugh in the cramped bathroom, bouncing up and down with the turbulence.
y hour nineteen, and still a few thousand miles from Bombay, or Mumbai, as Bina insists on calling it, I finally feel it’s safe to just let go of everything I’ve left behind in San Francisco. I cry and laugh in the cramped bathroom, bouncing up and down with the turbulence.
I wash my face, trying not to get any of the funky airplane water in my mouth and head back to my seat, relaxed and excited at the same time. Myra is meeting us at the airport, along with a throng of Bina’s relatives, and I’m looking forward to having a long talk with someone who understands what I’ve been through, at least the Mrs. Mayor part.
The plane gives a jolt and Bina startles awake and looks over at me with a scared smile. I take her hand, lean my head back and close my eyes. I have my best friend at my side, a fanny pack stuffed with traveler’s checks, comfortable but stylish walking shoes and a whole continent full of people who know nothing about me to look forward to discovering.
What more could I want? What more is out there? I don’t know and I can’t wait to find out.
A READING GROUP GUIDE
UNDERNEATH IT ALL
MARGO CANDELA
ABOUT THIS GUIDE
The suggested questions are intended to enhance your group’s reading of this book.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1.
In the opening chapter, Jacqs is at her parents’ home in Los Angeles trying to figure out a way to tell them she’s divorced. Instead of telling them she is, she hedges and announces she’s going to get a divorce. Is her reluctance to be straightforward with her parents a sign of her immaturity or that she herself isn’t used to the idea that her marriage is over?
In the opening chapter, Jacqs is at her parents’ home in Los Angeles trying to figure out a way to tell them she’s divorced. Instead of telling them she is, she hedges and announces she’s going to get a divorce. Is her reluctance to be straightforward with her parents a sign of her immaturity or that she herself isn’t used to the idea that her marriage is over?
2.
Jacqs and Mrs. Mayor have a difficult relationship. On the one hand, Jacqs covets Mrs. Mayor’s life (and her husband). On the other, Jacqs is aware how desperately unhappy Mrs. Mayor is. Why would Jacqs fantasize about taking Mrs. Mayor’s place when she knows what her life is really like?
Jacqs and Mrs. Mayor have a difficult relationship. On the one hand, Jacqs covets Mrs. Mayor’s life (and her husband). On the other, Jacqs is aware how desperately unhappy Mrs. Mayor is. Why would Jacqs fantasize about taking Mrs. Mayor’s place when she knows what her life is really like?
3.
When Jacqs’s best friend, Bina, announces her plans to marry Sanjay, Jacqs is flabbergasted and subtly, and not so subtly, tries to undermine Bina and Sanjay’s relationship. Even after Jacqs’s suspicions about Sanjay turn out to be far worse, is Jacqs still motivated by selfishness to keep her friend close? Or do the new circumstances justify Jacqs’s initial feelings and actions?
When Jacqs’s best friend, Bina, announces her plans to marry Sanjay, Jacqs is flabbergasted and subtly, and not so subtly, tries to undermine Bina and Sanjay’s relationship. Even after Jacqs’s suspicions about Sanjay turn out to be far worse, is Jacqs still motivated by selfishness to keep her friend close? Or do the new circumstances justify Jacqs’s initial feelings and actions?
4.
Jacqs allows herself to be swept off her feet by George, a married man, with flattery, gifts and fancy meals. She also assumes a persona not unlike Mrs. Mayor’s. Even though they never consummate their affair, is Jacqs’s behavior morally reprehensible or is she just playacting? Who is more culpable in the whole charade?
Jacqs allows herself to be swept off her feet by George, a married man, with flattery, gifts and fancy meals. She also assumes a persona not unlike Mrs. Mayor’s. Even though they never consummate their affair, is Jacqs’s behavior morally reprehensible or is she just playacting? Who is more culpable in the whole charade?
5.
Vivian (Mr. Mayor’s sexy press secretary) and Natasha (Mrs. Mayor’s makeup artist) are on a downward spiral and both grab on to Jacqs for dear life. She is unable to help them as she’s facing her own relationship issues on all fronts. But she tries. Is this just another sign that Jacqs can’t stop meddling or that she finds it easier to live through others than to face the reality of her own life?
Vivian (Mr. Mayor’s sexy press secretary) and Natasha (Mrs. Mayor’s makeup artist) are on a downward spiral and both grab on to Jacqs for dear life. She is unable to help them as she’s facing her own relationship issues on all fronts. But she tries. Is this just another sign that Jacqs can’t stop meddling or that she finds it easier to live through others than to face the reality of her own life?
6.
Reporter Emilio Cortez is a constant thorn in Jacqs’s side, reminding her that he knows the game she’s playing. At one point she realizes that Emilio has slept with Vivian, thereby dashing all hopes she had of having a relationship with him. Instead she asks him for a job in his campaign to be the next mayor of San Francisco. Is this just another version of her other relationships with unattainable men or is Jacqs really interested in making a difference in the political landscape?
Reporter Emilio Cortez is a constant thorn in Jacqs’s side, reminding her that he knows the game she’s playing. At one point she realizes that Emilio has slept with Vivian, thereby dashing all hopes she had of having a relationship with him. Instead she asks him for a job in his campaign to be the next mayor of San Francisco. Is this just another version of her other relationships with unattainable men or is Jacqs really interested in making a difference in the political landscape?
7.
Jacqs has a complicated relationship with her family. Her mother hopes she will settle down close to home and marry. Her brother Noel is in need of saving, and she can barely say two words to her father and older sister. Is Jacqs’s distance from her family her own doing? Have her choices (leaving home for college, eloping, divorcing, staying in San Francisco instead of going back home) led to her sense of alienation when she’s home with her family or is she just different from them?
Jacqs has a complicated relationship with her family. Her mother hopes she will settle down close to home and marry. Her brother Noel is in need of saving, and she can barely say two words to her father and older sister. Is Jacqs’s distance from her family her own doing? Have her choices (leaving home for college, eloping, divorcing, staying in San Francisco instead of going back home) led to her sense of alienation when she’s home with her family or is she just different from them?
8.
A year after her divorce from Nate, Jacqs still keeps tabs on him and goes as far as to run into him accidentally on purpose when she’s in Los Angeles. When she finds out Nate has moved on, she’s devastated. Does this mean she is still in love with him? And when Nate expresses his attraction for her, why is she so offended? Isn’t that what she wanted? Or did she expect something more?
A year after her divorce from Nate, Jacqs still keeps tabs on him and goes as far as to run into him accidentally on purpose when she’s in Los Angeles. When she finds out Nate has moved on, she’s devastated. Does this mean she is still in love with him? And when Nate expresses his attraction for her, why is she so offended? Isn’t that what she wanted? Or did she expect something more?
9.
Jacqs makes out quite well financially, even though she loses her job and rich boyfriend. When George and Mr. Mayor offer her money, not only does she accept the payoffs, she never considers not taking them. Is she just being pragmatic or is this more evidence as to how misguided Jacqs is about life and love? Does it make it any better that she uses the money to help Bina escape her own heartbreak and to give her brother Noel the little push he needs to start living his own life?
Jacqs makes out quite well financially, even though she loses her job and rich boyfriend. When George and Mr. Mayor offer her money, not only does she accept the payoffs, she never considers not taking them. Is she just being pragmatic or is this more evidence as to how misguided Jacqs is about life and love? Does it make it any better that she uses the money to help Bina escape her own heartbreak and to give her brother Noel the little push he needs to start living his own life?
10.
At the very end of the book Jacqs decides to be honest with everyone and then, conveniently, goes on an adventure of a lifetime, finally using her treasured passport. But along with her passport, she’s carrying many secrets with her. Does this mean Jacqs is doomed to repeat history once she gets back to San Francisco or even as she travels around with Bina? Has she learned anything? And if so, will it make a difference as she goes forward with her life?
At the very end of the book Jacqs decides to be honest with everyone and then, conveniently, goes on an adventure of a lifetime, finally using her treasured passport. But along with her passport, she’s carrying many secrets with her. Does this mean Jacqs is doomed to repeat history once she gets back to San Francisco or even as she travels around with Bina? Has she learned anything? And if so, will it make a difference as she goes forward with her life?
A CONVERSATION WITH MARGO CANDELA
Q. What’s your background and how did it lead you to becoming a writer?
A. I’m first generation Mexican-American. My mom has a goofy, almost dorky sense of humor and my dad is a great storyteller with a slightly caustic wit. I like to think I’ve inherited the best of both and turned it into an honest profession. I became a writer because my mom suggested it. (Kids, listen to your mother!) I was a little lost and she said, “Why don’t you do something with writing? You seem to like it.” At the time I had purchased a manual typewriter that had script lettering and I was typing on a comic story for my own amusement. But I’m a practical person and I went the journalism route and eventually I started writing fiction. I don’t think I’ve properly thanked my mother for the little push she gave me. I’d buy her a mink coat, but she’s just not that kind of person. Maybe a rubber chicken.
Q. How much of you is there in Jacqs?
A. A little here and there, but mostly I envisioned Jacqs as the woman I could be if I had taken a different path in life. A radically different path, as in imaginary and not even remotely possible. It was such fun to write about someone who really only had to care about herself, what kind of choices she could make, but at the same time have a sense of all-encompassing guilt over living only for herself. This I could relate to easily, as any Latina Catholic daughter can. I wanted Jacqs to be a flawed but essentially good person who is a little lost and looking for her own place in the world.
Q. Who was the inspiration for Mrs. Mayor?
A. No one in particular. I just imagined what it would be like to be an incredibly beautiful woman who was completely selfish, self-centered, insecure and in way over her head. How awful and fabulous would a life like that be? To never have to worry about a bad-hair day but to know that the only thing that matters is how you look. She was a lot of fun to write and I think readers will find she’s not a horrible person. She’s kind of sad and lonely, but you’re not quite sure you’d want her as a friend, much less as a boss.
Q. How about George? Is there a George in your life?
A. George was a devil, if not the Devil. A hot, romantic one with great taste and time to spare. I have no George in my life, but that’s because I don’t get out much. For me George represented the ultimate temptation for Jacqs to completely reinvent herself and throw away her values, and morals, and truly compromise her self-worth. It was very important for me to tempt her this way and I considered letting her go through with it, but it would have been a very different book. I think at one time or another we all face a George in life; the seemingly easy way out, the path of least resistance. But I wanted to show that there is a hidden price for making that kind of choice. I’m not a moralist or trying to steer people away from the allure of emotional adultery, fabulous lunches and dinners, and expensive gifts. I just wanted to show that Jacqs was aware of the price she was paying and what she’d do when faced with the choice to go all the way.
Q. How about Jacqs’s brother Noel?
A. He’s the person we all want to save and protect in our lives but who we ultimately have to let go. These were the most emotional passages for me to write because I really thought about all my loved ones and how I want to make them happy, make everything right, but I can’t and shouldn’t. Sometimes you have to let people be who they are, appreciate them for what they can give and do, and leave it at that.
Q. There’s a lot of tension, sexual and otherwise, between Jacqs and Emilio Cortez, the newspaper reporter.
A. He’s a melding of all the men in Jacqs’s life—from Mr. Mayor and George to Nate and her brother Noel. Jacqs is attracted to him for all the right and wrong reasons, and this is why she automatically rejects any idea of having a real relationship with him. Imagine how much work it would be! Plus, he’s a little too much like her, though she gets around emotionally where Emilio just gets around. In life it’s always interesting to have that one person who makes you stand up straighter, makes you take your game up a notch and who you know won’t let you get away with fooling yourself. This is what Emilio does for Jacqs. He pokes holes in her façade. And who can’t use a good poke now and then?
Q. What would be your ideal reader’s reaction after they close the book on the last page of
Underneath It All?
Underneath It All?
A. Reading a book is such an intimate and personal experience, but I hope a reader would have a sense of having taken a satisfying journey and would have a reaction to Jacqs. Some people may love her, others may find her selfish. And they could talk about her and the other characters in the book as real people, because that’s what they were to me—real people. Not caricatures or stereotypes or convenient foils to advance the plot. I have more respect for the people I’m writing about (even though they are entirely fictitious) and the people who I’m writing for to do that.
Q. What are you working on now?
A. My wonderful editor, Sulay Hernandez, is putting me through my paces for my second novel. It’s about a tightly wound caterer who realizes she’s fallen short of her own potential after her boyfriend leaves her. This story was a little more risky for me because it deals with love in the romantic sense, and nothing makes me more uncomfortable than squishy love stories. Being who I am I dealt with it the only way I could, through humor. Wanting to be loved and cherished is universal, but I believe you have to know yourself to truly appreciate it, and this novel follows her journey to finding that place in herself. Along the way there are a few detours that were fun to explore and in the end she comes full circle with a twist.
Q. Why don’t your books have happy endings?
A. Because I believe there are no happy endings. All endings are ambiguous to me, the start of a new story. But there is closure and the infinite possibilities for another chapter, just like in life.
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