Under the Surface (10 page)

“Wow. I had no idea this was in your house. Do you use this?”

“Pretty often, yeah.”
The studio has a massive
window overlooking the backyard, and a large white backdrop hanging from the
ceiling that slides down onto the floor. There’s a black one too, tucked away
in the corner that I sometimes switch it out for. In the closet are filing
cabinets completely filled with mostly my mom’s and some of my
work.
The room has two movable lights with white lined
umbrellas attached and one softbox, a light that provides brightness that is
similar to what comes from a window. The windows are also lined with blackout
curtains, in case I want to use nothing but fixed lighting.

Emmy is transfixed with everything that is around her
—
touching all the lights and walking around the room multiple times
to survey it.

“Did your mom create this?”

“Yeah. Pretty amazing, huh? She slowly kept building upon it and
eventually she was able to do all her indoor shoots at home.”

I remember how she would always let me come in and be her
assistant. Holding camera pieces and adjusting lights. Even when I was too
young to know how to do anything, she would make up a task for me to do so I
would feel important. I always loved helping her. It’s one of the things I miss
the most about photography—that I no longer get to do it alongside my mom.

Emmy continues to be interested in everything in the room. I would
love to photograph her again. She still has no idea about the first time I did
it. I’m still thinking of a good time to bring it up.

“Can I photograph you in here sometime?”
I blurt it out before I get a chance to run that sentence through
my head.

She looks shocked by my question. “Uh…no.”

“Why not?”

“Because
…
I don’t know. I just don’t want you to. It
feels odd, you taking my picture. That’s weird.”

Yup, definitely never telling her that I already took her photo.

But I know someday I’ll be able to convince her to pose for a
shoot, but for now I’ll drop it.

“Now show me the pictures, Ren, that’s what we came in here for.”

“They’
re
in here.
”
I start opening drawers in the cabinets. “My mom has hers completely
categorized. The pictures in the folders in the cabinets are all listed in
these binders. You can look up in here what you want to see, and it will tell
you where to find it.”

Emmy flips through the binder. “Your mom was a smart woman. This
is the
most well
-organized thing I’ve ever seen in my
life. There must be thousands of pictures here, and each one has an exact place
to go. Unbelievable. Oh, I found one I want to see. It’s called ‘
Four Lovers,’ sounds juicy.
”

We locate the cabinet it’s stored in and pull out the picture. It
displays two women and two men all naked and laying head to ankle on one
another to form a square. Each of the people are gripping the legs of one
another as if their lives depend on it. One woman in the photo, who has long, thick
curly hair, is crying.

I remember thinking the photo was weird as a child, I didn’t
understand it, but now it’s one that I love. It shows how painful loving people
can be.

Emmy just stares at the photo and doesn’t say a word.

“I love this,”
she says quietly before
tracing her fingers along the edges. “I can’t believe how much I love the first
one I picked. I almost don’t want to see anymore because I like this one so
much.”

“My mom took that when she was really young, like nineteen I think
she told me, before she even met my dad.”

“She was so talented. I can’t believe how much is said in this
photo. The woman with red hair looks like she’s in so much pain, yet she
continues to hold on to the man she’s laying on.”

“Sometimes loving someone is painful, but you just can’t help
yourself.”

This is something I’ve noticed about Emmy. She has these moments
where her eyes get lost and she looks like she’s struggling to find the right
words to say. Struggling to gather the strength to get something off her chest.

“Can we go to town now?”
Emmy says solemnly after
a long pause.

* *

“Chase it! Chase it!”
I shout to Emmy.

Her face is scrunched up and she looks about ready to spit out the
shot she just took. She quickly downs some of her soda to cover up the taste of
the whiskey.

“Remind me again why we’re drinking in the afternoon?”
Emmy asks me.

We walked into a rustic looking pub in Bowen’s Wharf to get
something small to eat, but once I stumbled upon the drink menu I thought ‘what
the hell’ and ordered us a round of shots. The food can wait.

“Because we’re young.”

“That was cheesy as hell.”
She looks down at the
menu, “I pick what we drink next, and I’
m ordering fries.
”

“Nothing soft like wine or beer. Get us something good.”

“I’ll get us whatever I want to get us.”

Emmy flags down our waitress to give our next order. “Well take
the pub fries, with ranch, and two margaritas, extra salt on mine, please.”

“You got it.”

“Margaritas are a bit too sweet for me,”
I say.

“Well, I downed that gross-ass whiskey and you didn’t see me
complaining.”

True.

I catch her looking at her reflection through her phone’s camera.
She’s been fidgeting with her hair all morning.

“You look fine, stop worrying about it.”

“I’m in half the clothes I slept in, plus your old sweater. I look
like a wreck.”

“I just told you that you look fine. If you keep fidgeting, I will
leave you in this restaurant, and you won’t get to go into anymore shops.”

“I’ll walk back.”

We both know this is too far from my house to walk. I raise an
eyebrow at her to challenge her statement.

“Fine,”
she mumbles and places her hands flat on
the table.

I wasn’t lying when I said she looked fine. Her face is scrubbed
of all makeup, making her freckles stand out more, and her hair is knotted at
the nape of her neck. Not to mention she’s wearing one of my sweaters, and I do
have to say I like the look of my clothes on her.

I catch her checking her phone again. “Stop looking at yourself!”

“Relax, Ren, I’
m just texting.
”
She turns the phone screen in my direction, but I don’t get a
chance to see who she’s texting.

I’m about to ask her when she says, “So I think I might know why
your dad has been acting weird lately.”

This comes as a surprise to me.

“Yeah? What do you think it is?”

She plays with the straw of her soda. “I think he’s seeing
someone.”

Absolutely not.

I shake my head. “No. That’s not happening. If my dad was seeing someone,
he would have told me. Plus, I can’t imagine him being with anyone other than
my mom.”

“It’s been four years, Ren. He’s probably lonely.”

I don
’t believe
her. “And where did you even come up with this? Did he say something to you
this morning?”
Was it when they were talking while she was getting her coffee?

“No, he didn’t say anything specific about it. But when I walked
into the kitchen this morning he was there. He asked if I wanted to wait for
the coffee to be finished or have some tea. I said I would try tea first while
I waited for the coffee. I asked him which of the two brands he had I should
try and he said he didn’t drink it, so he didn’t know which one to suggest. I
know you don’t drink tea either, so I wondered why he had it. I also noticed a
travel mug in the kitchen sink. It was bright pink with daisies on it. Is that
your dad’s or yours? If not, I assume it’s a woman’s.”

My dad has never liked tea, and I can’t stand it. The mug also
isn’t mine or my dad’s, or anything of my mother’s. If Emmy is right, why has
my dad been hiding this woman from me?

“This sounds childish, but I don’t want him to be seeing anyone. I
only ever want to think about him and my mom together. I can’t imagine him
being happy with another woman.”

“Maybe this woman
is
making him really happy. He’s been alone for a long time; he needs someone by
his side.”

“I’ve been without my mom for four years too. If my dad’s off with
someone else, who’
s at
my side?
”

Emmy reaches her hand across the table to grab mine. “I am.”

The waitress bring us our drinks and I down mine in three gulps,
quickly asking for another.

* *

By the time Emmy and I have gone through every funky, interesting
shop within walking distance, and my buzz from the drinks has worn off, I’ve
almost gotten over the anger I felt when I found out about my dad seeing
someone.

Almost.

“This will be the last store I promise.”
Emmy pulls me into a candle store. Something I’m not really
interested in, but she looks too excited about it for me to argue.

The amount of scents are slightly overwhelming. I can smell
everything from cinnamon to vanilla to candy.

“Stop me before I buy everything in this store.”

“You like candles?”

“Love. I love candles.”
She starts grabbing and
smelling everything she can get her hands on. “Oh! This one’s coconut. Smell
it, Ren, it smells amazing.”

I do and it reminds me of suntan lotion. I kind of like it.

“I think this shop has every scent and shape of candle ever
imagined. I could die in this place and be happy.”

“You really like this stuff, huh?”

“I light them all the time. There’s just something so soothing
about a lit candle.”
She holds up a rose scented candle that’s
held in a square white dish. “I’m getting this one, and only this one. It’s on
sale so I can justify paying for it. Okay, let me buy this, then let’s go.”

“
We don
’t need to rush out. I’m fine staying longer.”

She pays the cashier for the candle.

“No, we need to leave. I want to spend all my money, but I’m on a
strict budget. I just used the last of my extra cash to buy this.”
Emmy holds up her purchase.

I wonder how tight of a budget Emmy runs on. She has no family
support and she’s always willing to work those damn closing shifts at the diner
—
forcing her to walk home
alone
in the middle
of the night because she can’t afford a car.

For the late shifts I’ll be there to pick her up after work from
now on. Whether she wants me to or not. I don’t want her walking home at night
anymore.

“Should we head back to your house now? Your dad said he would
start dinner after we got back, and I’m kind of starving.”

My attention turns back to Emmy. “Sure. I’m getting hungry too. We
haven’t really eaten yet, just some fries and a whole bunch of drinks.”

“
Hey,
liquid lunch. We
’ll treat it like it was one
of those cleanses or something.”

I laugh. “That’s hilarious. From now on, I’ll look at all my
nights and afternoons of drinking as going on
a cleanse
.”

“I do cleanses all the time, why do you think my skin is so
glowing and flawless.”
She holds both her palms under her chin
and gives me a big, cheesy smile.

“Your secrets out, kid. You better be nice to me, or I’ll share it
with the world.”

She gives a mock gasp of shock, “You
wouldn
’
t dare!
”

We
walk back to where I parked. “Stop acting so cute and get in the car.”

Chapter Nine

Emilie

I have died and gone to heaven. I’m
considering making Ren’
s
dad
’s house my permanent residence, because there is no other place I
would rather be.

I’ve eaten
bowl after bowl of the paella Mr. Warren
made.

It’s so flavorful.
Spicy from the sausage, and sweet from the fresh lobster. The rice is buttery,
and full of tomato flavor, and the chicken is the best I’ve ever had.
Seriously, I don’t know how Ren doesn’t weigh a thousand pounds because I
easily have gained five in the hour I’ve sat and eaten at this table.

The food is
that freakin’
good

“More wine?”
Ren’s dad, Richard, asks the two of us.

“Yes please,”
I hold up my glass while he fills it and Ren does the same. The
white wine is crisp and cool and not too sweet. Delicious.

“Are you guys
heading back tonight or tomorrow?”

I shrug to
feign indifference. I would love to stay another day, but I don’t want to push
Ren. Especially because he’s been itching to ask his dad if he’s seeing anyone,
and I don’t know how that conversation is going to go over. Or if I should even
be here when it happens.

“Tonight I
think. But we’ll see if things change. I don’t have anywhere I need to be, and
Emmy’s shift got cut so there is no rush.”

I was worried
earlier when I lost my shift. No work means no pay and no tips. But Ren told me
not to stress out about it. I quickly ran through the numbers in my head and
figured I could handle losing one shift. I just needed to be careful about my
spending over the next week, until I get paid again.

“I’ll be
working most of tomorrow, but you know you’re welcome to stay,”
Mr. Warren says.

“We’ll
probably go back,”
Ren says. “But maybe I’ll come back
Sunday, just to check in.”

I don
’t remember Ren saying anything
about wanting to visit again in two days.

“Sunday I’ll
be out of the house as well,”
Mr. Warren says before looking
down at his food.

“Where will
you be Sunday?
Working
?”

Oh no, now I
see where this is going.

“
No, I don
’t have to
work Sunday. I’m meeting up with some friends.”

“Andy? The
Gables?”

They must be
old friends of Ren’s dad. But I think Ren knows it isn’t just old friends his
dad is meeting with. He’s trying to trap him into saying it.

“I think the
Gables will be there, maybe.”

“Who else
will be there?”

“Just a few
people from work and others, I’m not really sure. It’s just a barbeque,
casual.”

“Are you
going to this barbeque with someone?”

“Ren.”

“
Dad
.
Answer my question. Are you going to this barbeque with someone? A woman? The
one you’ve been seeing.”

I should have
never said anything to Ren.
Through the tension in
the room I know an argument is about to happen, and it’s my fault from what I
said.

“I’ve been
wanting to talk to you about this, but I didn’t know how.”

“You didn’t know
how to tell me that you’re seeing another woman? Someone other than mom. How
long has this been going on?”

“It’s been a
few months now. Ren, you know I could never replace your mother. You know that
I loved her more than anything, and that she meant the world to me. But Ellie
is important to me. I like spending time with her, and I think—I think if you
took the time to meet her, you would like her too.”

“Bullshit. I
don’t want to meet your replacement.”

It’s almost
as if I can see Mr. Warren’s heart breaking in front of his son. I know he
wants to explain to him why he’s doing this. Who can blame a man who is just
looking for someone to love? He’s just trying to find a way to fix his heart
that was ripped in two when he lost his wife.

“Ren,”
I say while grabbing onto his arm. “Calm down and hear him out.”

He pushes my
hand off his arm. “Stay out of this, Emmy.”

I try not to
push him again, but I hate seeing Ren and his dad fighting like this.

“Ren, just
calm down and let me explain this to you. Please. I met her three months ago.
Nothing was serious back then, but now things are getting more serious.”

“Now things
are serious? You’ve been seeing this woman for three months. Three whole months
and you never bothered to tell me about her. I’m sure she loves being kept your
dirty little secret, and you obviously don’t care about her as much as you say
you do if you’
re
keeping her hidden.
”

“I was
hesitant to tell you about her because of how you would react. I knew this
would be hard on you, I told her that. And she understood why I hadn’t
introduced you to her yet. But contrary to what you may think, I don’t like
keeping her a secret. I was going to tell you about her, soon, I just didn’t
know how to do it.”

Ren tosses
his fork onto his plate. It makes a loud clamoring sound. “
You
shouldn’t
have kept this woman a secret from me. I come over here all the time. I tell
you everything about what’s going on in my life. I don’t know how you kept this
from me for so long.”

Ren’s dad
rubs the palm of his hand back and forth over his mouth while shaking his head.
“I’m sorry,”
he says before pushing his hand through his hair.

Ren gets up
and leaves the table, saying nothing more.

I can tell he
went into his room because of the faint smack of a door closing upstairs.

“How did he
even find out about this? I never said anything to him about Ellie.”

That would be
entirely my doing.

“Um, I may
have said something.”

“How did you
know about this?”
He doesn’t sound angry, more concerned.

Oh boy,
“Well, Ren has been saying that you’ve been acting strange lately. And I
noticed a woman’s coffee mug in the sink, and the comment you made about the
tea threw me off. I told Ren that maybe you were acting weird because you were
seeing someone. I didn’t think he would react the way he did. It’s been all
he’s focused on today. I think he built up his frustration and his reaction
just now was letting it all out.”

“I wanted to
tell him about this, Emmy. But I didn’t because I knew he would react the way
he did. I hate upsetting him like this. He’s all I’ve had after losing my wife.
I don’t want him to think Ellie is a replacement for Dalila. I could never
replace her, but I was lonely. I needed someone. I’m almost always by myself,
if I’m not at work or with Ren. My wife wouldn’t have wanted me to go off and
live a sad, lonely life. I think about Dalila every day, but
sometimes—sometimes when I’m with Ellie, it just feels so nice to be happy
again. To no longer be alone, and to have someone who cares about me.”

His
confession breaks my heart.

“I’ll go talk
to him. I think what he’s most angry about is that you didn’t tell him. I’ll
tell him what you told me and try to get him to listen.” As someone who’s
basically gone through her life all on her own, I can relate to Mr. Warren.
“You’re not doing anything wrong; no one wants to go through life being
lonely.”

Mr. Warren
wipes his mouth with his napkin and takes a drink of his wine. He rolls the
glass stem between his fingers. “Thank you. Maybe if you talk to him first, it
will get him to listen to me. He cares a lot about you—I can tell.”

I knew Ren
cared about me, but I didn’t realize other people could see it too. Especially
someone as close to him as his dad.

I excuse
myself from the table and go upstairs to find Ren. I knock on his door and he
tells me to come in.

He’s sitting
on his bed with his back leaned against the headboard, and the television is
on. Ren turns his attention from the TV to me when I walk in.

“Emmy,”
he says before turning off what he was watching.

“You cool
down yet?”
I ask while sitting down on his bed next to him.

He takes a
deep breath. “I think I might have been too hard on him. But when I found
out…when I realized he actually was seeing someone else, I was so pissed. I
didn’t even care about the fact that he’s been lonely. God, I acted like a
fucking kid in there.”

“He wanted to
tell you, Ren. But look at how you reacted just then. You have a right to be
angry, but he was hesitant because he was worried about upsetting you. He knew
you would be like this. That’s what kept him scared.”

“My mom died
four years ago. She and dad had been together since they were in their
twenties. Fuck, it’s been so hard for him to live a life without a wife, after
having been with one for so long. I should have realized he would want someone
else, another woman in his life again. You said your mom passed away when you
were young. What did your dad do?”

He beat the
shit out of me.
That’s what he did. He hated
me, resented me.

“He
struggled.”
That’s all I can tell him. I can’t get into any of the details.

“How did he
struggle?”
He’s staring at me, waiting for a more detailed answer. “What did
he do, Emmy?”

I decide on a
mostly true answer, “He resented me. That’s how he struggled. I reminded him
too much of my mother. He hated that. He dated around too, but never married.”

“
You aren
’t telling me
everything, are you?”

“I am,”
I lie. My voice is starting to shake. I hate thinking about this.
I hate thinking about how I grew up—constantly worrying about making my dad
angry, worried if he would be in a mood to just ignore me or take his anger out
on me. It wasn’t until I graduated high school and saved up enough money from
my part time job that I was able to escape him.

I can’t hold
back tears from slipping down my cheeks. “He never cared about me. I just don’t
like thinking about this.”

“Is that why
you left Nevada. To get away from your dad?”

I nod while
wiping tears from my face
—
thinking about how I couldn’t have left my
home state fast enough.

“Come here.”
He pulls me next to him, laying my head on his shoulder. “I care
about you, and Noel cares about you. You’re here now in Rhode Island. You never
need to worry about being without anyone again.”

I can only
pray that what he’s saying is the truth.

* *

I wake up in Ren’s bed. Alone.

Even though I
took a nap, a surprising one at that, I feel drained. I don’t even know what
time it is, only that it’s now dark outside.

I also can’t
believe what I told Ren about my father. Now he has somewhat of an idea of what
I went through before coming here, and that I truly have no one to go back to.

Ren was nice
enough to put a blanket around me after I fell asleep; a large red and brown
quilt. It matches almost nothing in his room, and it looks old, making me
wonder how long he’s had it.

I notice how
I finally have a moment alone in his room, and I resist the urge to look
around. I’m not normally a snoop, but the thought of learning a little more
about Ren, something he normally wouldn’t share with me, has me curious.

Maybe just
one peak.

I reach for
the nightstand next to the bed. I know everyone keeps their juicy items there.
I know I do.

I pull it
open to find a small silver remote, a travel size package of tissues, a bottle
of lube, and condoms.

Well, well,
well. What has Ren been up to?

I notice the
package is open and nearly empty. I wonder when the last time he’s hooked up
with a girl was. I bet she was beautiful and artsy—into something cool like
photography, just like Ren is.

I’
m sure I
’m not the
first girl he’s brought back to his dad’s house for a spontaneous beach trip.
Although he probably had much more romantic things planned for them since they
were probably a lot more than friends.

Friends with
benefits at the least.

I don’t want to
keep thinking about who Ren has been hooking up with. I’m starting to get
jealous, and I close the drawer so I don’t have to look at his nearly empty box
of condoms.

A knock on
the door startles me.

“
I don
’t even know
why I’m knocking,”
Ren says when he enters the room. “This is
my room, and I assumed you would be sleeping when I came back in.”

I’m thankful
for the knock, it gave me enough time to move my hand away from the drawer.
Although I probably look suspicious standing right in front of the nightstand.