Undefeated (Unexpected Book 5) (21 page)

“I have plans for that already,” I confess. “Pay a few bills and for Finn’s test.”

Mac takes a step back, her eyes stretched wide, and her head shakes. “No, that’s my responsibility.”

Pulling the sleeve of her blouse, she covers her hand and then lifts it, reaching her mouth. This is the second time I see her chewing on her sleeve. The first was while we waited in the ER. Her shoulders rise and fall, her deep breathing alarming me but I remain quiet. Not waiting for the typhoon inside her head to settle, I lift my hands to cup her beautiful face. Even the simplest contact with her affects me. Every cell of my body vibrates with the surge of electricity that her skin provokes. Mackenzie Brooke is some sort of magician who makes everything fade away. I bend my head to take what I really need before I lose the courage. This time I’m not gentle, I press my lips hard to hers, my tongue begging for access inside her mouth, and as she lets me in, I give her a deep, meaningful kiss. Feasting on her mouth, enjoying her perfume and feeling her beautiful curves with my roaming hands. “Schedule the test; I’ll be back later tonight.”

“I . . . we should probably stop,” she blurts out the words I never wanted to hear. The thump-thump-thump inside my chest slowed so drastically that I can’t hear it. “You should look for them, for her.”

“Her?” I frown.

“AJ,” she whispers. “You still love her.”

I laugh hard and loud, replacing the pain that her words caused with the most laughable reason to break up what . . . what we don’t have. “The last time I checked, she moved on, she was in love with someone else, happy now with him. AJ was my first love, but I want to think that maybe—”

She points at herself and shakes her head. “Me?” Her shoulder slump, and as she lets out a breath, she lets out the words. “No. Porter, I don’t know if I’m there yet.”

“I understand, and there’s no pressure from me,” I tell her, then tilt my head to where the check is. “Still, I want to pay for his test. Think about Finn and his future. Schedule the appointment.”

“Porter, can you tell me what happened to you,” her words are soft, the demanding tone not so much. “I wish you trust me with that part of yourself.”

“I loved her so much, but not enough to put her before me.” He tells me about his five-year relationship with a girl whom he grew up with. The love of his life. His eyes drift into the past and when he speaks about her, they fill with light, warming the cold night. Two amazing men gave him a home and a family. Suddenly birthdays, holidays and the possibilities of a better life were given to him after he had lost everything. But as the story continues, he describes himself as a low life, a cheater who manipulated his girl. “Not once did I notice what I was doing to her, I’m thankful that she was strong enough to survive my shit. I’m regretful for everything that I put her through. Fuck, she only deserves the best. That was my goal in the beginning but, that fame shit twists you.”

Porter continues telling me about his girlfriend being pregnant and him not giving a shit about it. Because he was too high to understand. He pulls up the sleeve of his long sleeve shirt far enough for me to read the initials and a date.

JGK

02/03

“Instead of facing my responsibilities, I lost myself in booze, women, and drugs. Mostly drugs.” His voice lowers. My heart slows down, my mind listening to every word that he says. How heartless can someone be to treat a woman that way? The love of his life nonetheless. “When I came out of the haze . . . I received a bunch of messages with pictures and . . . the day I finally went home thinking . . . Honestly, I have no fucking idea what I was thinking; I found her crying, destroyed. She had lost him. She lost James.”

I go back in time to the moment when I found out that Harper was our little-unexpected surprise. Panic rushed through my veins, because we were just about to graduate. Fear that Leo wouldn’t take it well, that he’d bail on me. None of that happened.

“A baby?” he questioned. His brows shot down, his eyes narrowed and he scratched the tip of his nose. “That’s . . . we’re going to have to adjust our plans, won’t we?” The engineer in him reacted first. Then the man I loved took over. His smile widens and arms embraced me in a delicate hug, as if I had become some fragile antique that he had to care for. He loved me more and loved Harper from that day forward.

“I was already lost when that happened, but after . . .” He traces the initials a few times before speaking again, “Something inside me snapped, I was already a jerk, but after I became an asshole who didn’t give a shit about anyone. Not even her.”

I want to touch him, make the pain he’s going through go away, but I don’t. Because I also want to slap him for being a fucking jerk. The conflicting emotions are eating me. And then there’s fear that he’s going to close himself off to me, which makes me ask the next question. “That’s why you stopped singing?”

He shakes his head.

“No. I continued doing my thing, not caring about anyone. Not even myself. A couple of years later I found out that she was dating. I tried to kill myself fearing that I lost her.” I pat him on the back as he takes another deep breath. “My family—her family sent me to rehab. I was on and off drugs for a couple of years until I found myself broke.” He chuckles. “Not surprising after I spent all my money on booze and drugs. Desperate, I got myself mixed up with the wrong kind of people that ended up threatening her life, her family’s life, and almost got me killed. The last words of one of my foster fathers were: You can’t handle fame.”

I want to sympathize with him, but how can I feel bad about a selfish man that doesn’t give a shit about anyone else but himself. Even his own baby suffered because of him.

“Physically and mentally broken, I was sent to a rehab center where I stayed for two years,” he says, rubbing his face with both hands. “It took me a long time to find myself. Later I went to work at a ranch to continue my rehabilitation. Plus, I wasn’t ready to be part of society and my counselor agreed with that. Last year I decided it was time to find a new life, whatever that is.” He shrugs. “There’s no going back in time and fixing the wrongs, but I work daily to stay on track.” He pulls up the sleeve of his other arm and there’s another set of initials: AJ.

“She believed in me since the day we met,” he continues. “I’m not pining for her, but I like to ask myself from time to time what she’s doing. Now, I live like any other person figuring out what’s next. From having millions, I ended up with only a monthly allowance from the sale of a house I owned. That’s how I pay the rent. The rest is covered by my salary.”

“That’s a lot to take in,” I tell him because there’s not much I can add since I’m confused about how I should feel.

Rage for the woman who lost so much, or sorrow because this Porter doesn’t seem like some asshole that would leave his girlfriend to suffer alone.

“I understand.” His deflated voice squeezes my heart. “My shift started an hour ago. Will you give me the chance to continue with this conversation tomorrow?”

I nod, confused by everything, but wanting to continue the conversation. A part of me wants to hug him to make him feel better. The other part of me has a strange desire to punish him for everything.
Drugs destroy.
I’m a living testimony. A junkie like the one he described is to blame for the loss of Leo. Deep down I know that Porter isn’t the man that he describes, he’s caring, loving.

What am I supposed to do with everything he said? Should I push him out of my life?

I
rest my head on the door finding the strength inside of me to move. Tomorrow. She’s confused and doesn’t want to discuss anything more until tomorrow. For a few moments I believed in us, hoped that she’d understand. If she doesn’t, should I give up? What if I can change the other part of my life with the Deckers? Can I afford it?

My phone buzzes. It’s work, I’m running late. Do I care? I pull out the check I just received from my pocket and wonder how long it will last. It might be a check for extra money, but I have to keep my job. I have two more classes to pay for next semester to finish my degree, it’ll be stupid to lose another semester and let more time and money go to waste. Then there are Finn’s expenses, the list is never ending.

The money I received from Steven can close one chapter and maybe Mac will be willing to let me be a part of their new chapter. A friend, a companion. Anything. Rushing to the house, I grab my shit for work. I have so much to do—ask for vacation and catch up with classes before finals. If I’m lucky, everything will be fixed soon. Maybe I won’t miss Christmas.

It took me almost a week to leave town. The old Durango didn’t let me down during the three-hour drive that became a twenty-hour drive. It could drive through a hell of a winter storm, but they closed I-5 for several hours after a pileup that involved almost a hundred cars. Sheltered at one of those motels along the highway, I finished my final project while they re-opened the roads. The long drive is worth everything, each mile I drive, each minute that passes, I close the distance between my past and my present.

I want Mac to see that I
am
a different man than I once was. Making amends with the men that gave me everything matters. I’ll stay as long as I need to convince them that I have changed and that maybe they can let me visit them once a year, call them during the holidays, and recover some of what I lost. With any luck, I can do the same with AJ and her brothers. Fuck, am I doing the right thing by driving to Seattle? What if they’re in Albany for the holidays?