Undead and Unworthy (11 page)

Other liquids didn't kill the thirst for blood – nothing but, well,
blood
could do that – but they helped a little. The household was used to watching me go through a gallon of juice

at breakfast. Though breakfast tended to be at ten o'clock at night these days. "Nobody's

gonna make Jessica do anything, I think we got that established in the seventh grade. And

Nick's right. The Fiends thing – it's my fault. I just – I just sort of forgot about them for a

while."

"Typical," Guess Who sneered.

I could feel my good mood draining away, sort of like the OJ out of the pitcher. Because I

made this mess, I made it happen – or allowed, through inaction, it to happen. I felt shitty

about it, but it was way beyond late for that. Feeling shitty wasn't going to solve the

problem. Probably more people dying would, and I absolutely hated that.

The really awful thing was, the thought of the deaths to come didn't depress me so much

as it made me tired.

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Chapter 28

"Officer, I would like to report a crime. Several crimes."

Ah, the perfect touch to destroy the last of my good mood. I sighed and rested my

forehead on the counter. "He's a detective, you dimwit; note the plain clothes and the

holster. And he can't hear you."

"What?" Nick said.

"Never mind that," the Ant snapped. She was standing in the middle of the stove.
That
was surprising. Usually the ghosts behaved like they were still alive and tried not to walk

through things unless they absolutely had to – say, through a door that was shut (because,

natch, they couldn't grasp the knob). The center burners came up to the bottom button on

her too-tight lime green blouse. It clashed awfully with her bright yellow hair and made

her skin look positively greenish. "Tell him about how you're keeping me prisoner."

My head snapped up so quickly I nearly overturned my chair. "I am not! You're here of

your own free will, Antonia, and the sooner you figure that out the happier I'll be."

"Make that all of us," Jessica added. "Get lost, Mrs. Taylor."

"You should tell the help not to speak to me," she said triumphantly, thrilled that someone else was acknowledging her presence.

"You know damned well that's Jessica!"

"Is that bigoted bitch slamming me from beyond the grave? Where is she?"

"What difference does it make?" I sighed. "You can't touch her."

"No, but I can throw things through her. Make me feel better, anyway." She darted to one of the tables, snatched up a plate, and hurled it toward the fridge. Where it fluttered to the

ground, since, to save on dish washing, we tended to use paper plates for breakfast.

"Stop that, and she's in the
stove,
okay? The stove!"

"What the fuck is going on?"

"Betsy's dead stepmother is haunting her," Jessica told him.

"Oh, that's – " Nick threw his hands up in the air and walked around in a tight little circle.

"The last straw?" Sinclair suggested. "I quite agree. So snatch up your girlfriend and flee for your lives."

"That's it," Jessica said. "I just doubled your rent."

"Everything in the whole world sucks." I rested my chin in my hand and stared past

Sinclair's shoulder at the window over the sink. "Every. Single. Thing."

"A pity," Sinclair replied. "And you were in such a charming mood, too. Although a little warning would be appreciated the next time you do something drastic to your hair."

"Oh, it'll be blond again tomorrow, who cares? What was I thinking, when I said I could

do this job? I must have been out of my mind!"

"That's the spirit," Nick said, instantly cheering up.

"Stop that," Sinclair and Jessica ordered in unison. They looked at each other in surprise, almost laughed, and then Jessica continued. "You're doing the best you can. Nobody

expects more."

"Ha!" I pointed to her boyfriend. "He does."

"And I can't be the only one," Nick added.

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"Well, what's she supposed to do, smart guy? By all means, enlighten all of us. How

would
you
help run the vampire kingdom?"

"I'd start," he replied sweetly, "by rounding up all my 'subjects' and blowing their faces off."

Sinclair snorted. "Then let us say, for the sake of argument, that you were the king, and

you did that. I'm sure you can see the consequences."

I could feel the confidence I'd gained after defeating Marjorie draining out of me.

Whatever I'd done to Marjorie had been, like most of the great events of my life/death,

both a fluke and dumb luck. I was lucky to be alive (ahem), and it was nuts to read any

more into it than that.

"I'm guessing I can't abdicate," I said to Tina.

She looked more than a little taken aback. "Ah... no."

"That's quite enough," my husband said coolly. "You've let this silly little man rattle you and for no good reason."

"Yeah, but the Fiend thing really is my fault."

"And none of mine?"

"Hey, yeah!" Nick said. "It's
both
your faults!"

Sinclair ignored him. "I knew, as you did, that they were out there in Minnetonka. I chose,

as you did, to do nothing."

"Yeah, but if I'd done like you wanted, they'd all be dead, and we wouldn't be in this

mess."

"And if wishes were horses, beggars would ride."

"What?"

"An old saying of my mother's."

"Very old," Tina said, almost – but not quite! – smiling.

"Elizabeth, it's far too late to play the 'what if' game. We have a situation. We are dealing with it. The opinions of the occasional passing human are of no import. I am the king, you

are the queen, so shall it be forever."

"Or, at least," Jessica added, "for a thousand years."

"Passing human?" Nick asked.

"I noticed you put yourself first." I slid my empty glass over to him. "Pour me something, will you? Something. Anything."

"Why don't you snack on Detective Berry?" Tina suggested. "That would make us all feel better."

"You assholes stay away from me," Nick warned, backing up until his butt hit the kitchen door.

"Then do not," my husband said, "let us keep you."

"Well, that was – "

"Can you believe the nerve of that guy?" Jessica bitched, plunking down in the chair

opposite Sinclair. "Asking me to marry him just so I'd move."

"Perhaps it was the right question under the wrong circumstances," Sinclair suggested,

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) which I thought was an elegant way of looking at it.

"And perhaps he's losing his damn mind."

"There is always that," he admitted.

"Are we all going to pretend that he didn't make some really good points?" I demanded.

"Oh, right," Jess replied. "I forgot: this is all about
you.
"

"Well, it kind of is," I grumbled, chastened.

"When you are older," my husband said, folding up his newspaper (I don't know
why
he didn't read them online), "you will see the futility of second-guessing yourself and wasting

time with it."

"Great. I can't fucking wait. Hey, when I'm older, do you think I'll turn into an emotionless robot like someone we all – "

"Betsy!" The kitchen door swung open, and Nick stuck his head inside. "There's a vampire here to see you. I think she's a vampire. She fucking stinks, man."

"Great. A new subject to disappoint! Let's go see her, so I can let her down right away."

"Can someone let me off of the pity train now?" Jessica asked, getting up and following

me. "This is my stop."

I thought I heard Sinclair snicker, but when I glanced at him, he was as smooth-faced as

usual. And, thank God, the Ant wasn't following us. Perhaps she'd popped out again. I'd

hope it was permanent, except I wasn't
that
dumb.

"Thank you, Detective Berry, you would make a fine butler. Now run along."

"Like I want to stay?" he retorted, falling into step beside us. I wondered who the new

vamp was. Maybe a straggler of sorts who had just heard about the new king and queen.

Now and again a vampire from the middle of nowhere would show up to pay tribute

(gag). "Besides, I gotta get back to work."

"He did," I whispered to Jessica, "get here really quick. He must have hung up and rushed right over. That's pretty sweet, doncha think?"

"Hey, that's right!
You
called him and told him about the Fiends!"

Oh, shit.

Jessica was shaking her head. "The things I'm gonna do to you when we have a little

privacy – I think it's time to pour vinegar on your Jimmy Choos again."

"No!" I practically screamed, beyond horrified. "Once was enough!"

"Obviously not, since I've done it twice."

I'd probably put up a psychological block the size of the Great Wall.

"Anyway, here she is," Nick was saying. "I put her in the, uh, other parlor." He meant the one that was the least presentable of the four we had. Or was it five? Anyway, the

wallpaper was faded and even torn in some places; the rugs were worn. And it smelled

musty, like old books in an attic. We hardly ever spent any time in there. In a mansion this

size, it was no trouble to ignore the less comfortable rooms and stick with the ones you

liked. "She, uh, really stinks pretty bad."

"Maybe she got caught out late and had to pop into the sewer," Tina suggested. "That's happened to me a time or two."

"I'll see you later," Nick said, giving Jessica a noisy smack on the lips.

"To be continued," she warned him, but at least she kissed him back.

"Hello," Sinclair said. "I am King Sinclair, and this is Queen Elizabeth."

The vampire, who had been huddled by the fireplace, turned to face us. "I know who you

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) both are."

Tina took one look, shrieked, "Clara the Fiend!" and launched herself at the smaller,

smellier vampire.

Which was unbelievably startling, to say the least. Before I could move, or think, or react

in any way, Sinclair's hand shot out almost faster than I could track, and he caught Tina by

the back of her sweater. He held her in midair, her short legs kicking back and forth.

Clara the Fiend had backed into the nearest corner and was pressing herself into it as if she

could shove herself through the wall and disappear. Given Tina's sudden viciousness, I

could hardly blame her. "Please, I came alone! Please, I just want to talk!"

"Eric, put me
down.
" Tina was practically spitting. And she'd used his first name... oooh, he was in trouble now. "Put me down right now so I can – and you! You get out of my

master's house, you wretch! You pathetic creeping
thing,
you disgust us all, and you insult their majesties with your very presence! How dare you come to their home! Get out,

before I kill you!"

"Tina, it's okay – " Jessica started.

"Oh, Jesus." Nick had his gun out and was standing in front of Jessica. The gun barrel kept wavering between Clara and Tina.

I couldn't blame him. I'd never seen Tina so out-of-control furious. I mean,
I
was scared of her, and I knew that under ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the circumstances, she not

only wouldn't hurt me, she'd give her life to save me. Even Sinclair, much bigger and

stronger, had to hang on to her with both hands. "Jesus, Jesus, these are the guys that

clocked me in the nose the other day. These are the Fiends?"

"They are," Sinclair replied, turning pale at the reference to God's son. "Tina, calm yourself. She appears to have come in peace."

"And she'll leave in pieces!"

"Good one," Jessica piped up from behind Nick, "if a bit clichéd."

"Out, out
now,
you vile bitch! You
get out of our house!
"

"Holy shit," Jessica muttered. "I have no idea which one to be more scared of."

"Makes two of us," I whispered back. Maybe somebody should slap her? It always

worked in the movies. And after you clocked them, they always said, "Thanks, I needed

that."

I didn't really see Tina saying anything of the sort, so I reached up – Sinclair had hoisted

Tina pretty high – and grabbed a flailing fist. "Tina, relax. If Clara tries anything, you can kill her all over the place."

The mad frenetic kicking stopped. "You swear it? Swear it on your crown," she ordered,

then instantly changed her mind. "No: swear it on the king."

"I swear on my husband's testicles that if Clara tries even one sneaky thing, you can play

soccer with her head."

Tina abruptly stopped struggling. Sinclair, just as abruptly, set her down. He didn't seem

particularly concerned for his genitals, despite my promise. Maybe he thought this would

all end up okay. I sure as hell didn't know that for sure.

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Chapter 31

"All right," he said to the huddled, smelly vampire. (Nick was right: she reeked.) "Suppose you tell us why you're here, Clara."

"That's not my name," she said. "My name is Stephanie Connor. Thank you for seeing me, dread king."

I heard a commotion and turned to see Nick trying to haul a very reluctant Jessica out of

the room. She kept yanking her hand out of his and hissing at him to hush up, she wanted