Undead and Unpopular (3 page)

"Truth be told," Liam said, ignoring the snarky comment, "it's about me. And my age. Sophie's—well, you know—but I'm not exactly standing still. We were thinking about her turning me. We wanted to know, er, urn, well, what you thought about that."

At first I had no idea what he was talking about. "Turning you into what? A Republican?"

"A vampire, dumb shit," Jessica said. I bit my tongue and let that one pass, but made a mental note to get her alone and find out just what had made the incredible upward journey deep into her large intestine.

My jaw went slack with horror as I turned back to the happy couple. "Why would you want to do
that
?"

They looked at each other, then at me. "Not everyone has the same view of the undead as you do, my queen," Sophie said. "And I have lost too many lovers to death."

"Oh," I said, because nobody else was saying anything. "Well, that's a shame. Uh. Liam? You, uh, think this is a good idea, do you? Because loving a vampire and being a vampire—those are two very different things. One can be very nice. The other can be pure hell." Eric moved perceptibly at this comment, but didn't say anything.

"I'm not real keen on giving up salmon hash and fried eggs," Liam replied. "But I'm less keen on giving up Sophie. The idea of eternal love—it's… well, it's—"

"He's dying," she explained.

"What?" Jessica and I squawked in unison.

"He's only got thirty, forty years left—assuming he doesn't get run over by a bus or hit by lightning." Or have a heart attack from all the fried eggs. For the first time, her smooth face was anxious. "I don't think we dare wait much longer."

Leave it to a vampire to think a healthy guy in his late thirties or early forties was on his deathbed. "Uh… Sophie…"

Eric spoke up for the first time. "Dr. Trudeau, you know the risks."

She nodded.

"Right," I said. "The risks. The many, many risks. Let us count the risks. Such as." I coughed, stalling for time. "Well, the risks are… very risky."

Jessica rolled her eyes, but Tina kindly jumped in. "Sophie, Liam, as Her Majesty is trying to explain, vampirism is a virus—and some people don't catch it. They just die. And young vampires are feral—they don't know themselves, or anyone. Only the thirst. The Queen here is the exception."

"Which is why she's the boss lady around here," Liam said. "But it's a risk I wanna take. I don't much care for the other choice."

"Dr. Trudeau, you may do as you wish," Eric said, not bothering to consult with me, as usual. "It's not for us to deny you a chance to be with your love."

"Good luck," Tina added.

"Whoa, whoa!" I cried. "That's it? We're not going to talk about it for, I dunno, more than
twenty seconds
? I mean, they did come to consult with
me
, didn't they?" Facing dubious looks from my friends, I turned desperately to the new arrivals. "Liam, come on! We're talking about your potential death by maiming, here! Sophie, think about it—how you'll feel if it doesn't work out."

"Of course, if Her Majesty orders us not to do it, we won't do it," Sophie said stiffly.

"I don't give out orders like that," I said, appalled. What was it about vampires, they couldn't take care of themselves anymore, make their own decisions? "I'm just saying, think it over. Liam doesn't look like he's going to keel over, you know, right this second. What's the rush?"

"I think Betsy's right," Jessica said. Everybody squinted at her, and she continued. "Sorry, I know this is vampire business, and I'm just a mangy human, but from my point of view, it seems like maybe you could think it over a little longer. You've only known each other a few months. Lots of people get married after that long, and then divorce. This seems like an even deeper commitment. What happens if the two of you outgrow each other?"

"No chance of that," Liam said.

"Sophie…" I trailed off. I tried to imagine how I'd feel if Eric was human, and I knew I'd outlive him. Possibly by centuries. Could I face him getting old and dying on me? If there was any way to prevent it—"Sophie, it's not for me to tell you yes or no."

"Of course it is," she said, surprised. "You're the queen."

"Right, right. And I really appreciate you coming here…" And dumping this ginormous problem in my lap. "But you guys are adults, it's your choice. If you want to go ahead and bite him, it's up to you. I'm just saying—" What
was
I saying? Think it over? Wait for Liam to get older? Who was I to tell them no? I was sort of shocked they'd stopped by to ask my permission about something that was so completely none of my business. "I don't know," I finished, giving up. "Do what you think is best. I'll back you up, whatever you decide. And I believe my fiancé has already agreed with my edict," I added with a sidelong glance at Eric, who held his tongue.

"Thank you, my queen. We will be going forward, I think, but your support means the world to us."

"Yup," Liam said.

"And—"

The sonorous, long door chime rang again.

"Excuse me, Dr. Trudeau." Eric turned to me. "Our other guests have arrived."

Great. More vampire fun and games. Tina got up. "I'll see them in, Your Majesty. Dr. Trudeau. Liam." She excused herself, leaving a nice awkward silence for the rest of us.

"So, uh, when are you going to do it?" I asked. I looked nervously at the plush carpeting, the ornate upholstery, the beautiful tapestries. What if they decided to do it
right here
, right now?

"Soon," Sophie replied.

"Do you want to, uh, stay here while Liam, uh, recovers?"

"Thank you, my queen, but I think we'll be best suited at our home."

"Okay. And you'll, uh, make sure he doesn't hurt anybody when he's, you know, nutty and out of his mind with blood lust?" For the next ten years?

Liam winced (well, he blinked), but Sophie soldiered on. "My queen, I have experience in these matters. Guarding young vampires—I—all will be as you wish."

Yeah, right. That'd be a fucking first.

"Guess we'd better hit the road, hon," Liam said, standing. Sophie stood. We all stood.

"Thank you for your time, Majesties, and your counsel."

"Are you heading straight back to Embarrass?"

"Tomorrow. Sophie don't like to leave the animals too long."

"Best of luck, Dr. Trudeau." Instead of bowing as he usually did, Eric held out his hand and, surprised, she shook it. "Please keep us posted."

"Thank you, Majesty. We will, Majesty."

"Liam." They shook. They were about the same size, though Liam was a lot narrower through the shoulders.

Liam smiled at us, and the corners of his eyes went all crinkly. I thought of him as a nutty thirsty ignorant young vampire and wanted to cry. But maybe it would work out. Maybe, ten or twenty or a hundred years from now, everything would be fine and they'd be happy together.

And maybe we'd be going north for a funeral in a few days.

"Well, uh, talk to you soon." Maybe.
And if you get out, I'll be staking you soon. But never mind
.

"Yup," he said, typically laid back.
Yup
. Like being chomped and turned was as routine as fixing the wood-chipper out by the cabin.

"Are you sure you don't need anything?" I asked.

"Nope."

Tina came in just in time to prevent my hysterical sobbing. Which was just as well; I had nothing else to contribute. She was trailed by half a dozen stately vampires. I knew from Tina's briefing—and by the way they held themselves now—that they were very old, very powerful dead guys (and two gals). The youngest was something like eighty-seven. Which was about as old as Eric.

It was hard to take them all in at once—I saw a bald guy with dark skin, a couple of brunettes, a redhead with freckles (an undead Howdy Doody!)—

"Majesties," Tina began, gesturing to the group that had filed into the room. "May I present our European brethren: Alonzo, Christophe Benoit, David Edourd, Carolina Alonzo—"

Tina did not get the chance to introduce the last two; upon Carolina's introduction, Sophie shot across the parlor and was upon Alonzo in a hot fury of teeth and claws.

I barely had time to get a look at Alonzo—a blade-thin, fine-looking guy with skin the color of good espresso and yellowish eyes, before Sophie was doing her level best to claw his face off. Her speed was devastating. I think only Sinclair could have stopped her but he just watched. All he said was, "The French," with a shrug.

So, as usual, I was the one stuck with the moral high ground. "Stop, stop!" I shrieked. "Sophie, what are you doing? Get off him!"

Meanwhile, Sophie was going for his eyes and a stream of presumably impolite French was pouring from her spittle-ridden mouth. Alonzo did not appear immediately hurt, and appeared able to fend her off. However, she consumed enough of his attention that he did not say a word.

Liam took a step forward—to restrain the love of his life, or help her, no one knew—but Tina wisely knocked him back onto the couch. Jessica scanned the room for something to throw, or, perhaps more sensibly, hide behind. Eric watched, Tina alongside, and the other vampires observed the skirmish anxiously, chatting to themselves in various European languages. (I think they were European languages. Hell, it could have been Asian, or Antarctican. What am I, a linguist?)

Liam got up off the couch, looked at Sophie and said, "Hon, don't do that," and started forward again. I tried to grab one of them and got an elbow in the cheek for my pains, which would have given me a massive shiner in the old days, and that's when Eric finally said something.