Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader® (71 page)

Here’s more proof that Andy Warhol was right when he said that “in the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.”

T
HE STAR:
Danny Almonte, 12-year-old pitcher for the Rolando Paulino All-Stars Little League team in the Bronx

THE HEADLINE:
Little League Champ Pitches Perfect Game; Too Bad He’s Not as Little as His Parents Say He Is

WHAT HAPPENED:
Almonte became an instant celebrity after he pitched a no-hitter in the opening game of the Little League World Series, the first since 1957. His major league heroes Randy Johnson and Ken Griffey, Jr. called to congratulate him, and New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani gave the entire team the key to the city.

But there was trouble brewing: For months, Almonte had been dogged by rumors that he was actually 14, not 12, which would have made him ineligible to play in Little League. Two rival teams even hired private investigators to look into the rumors, but it wasn’t until
Sports Illustrated
obtained a birth certificate that showed Danny was born on April 7, 1987, not April 7, 1989 as his parents claimed, that things started to unravel. Dominican government officials confirmed the authenticity of the certificate, just as investigators in the U.S. discovered that 14-year-old Danny not only wasn’t enrolled in school as his father claimed—a violation of the law—but that he and his father were in the country illegally, on expired tourist visas.

THE AFTERMATH:
Danny’s father was banned for life from any association with Little League; so was team founder Rolando Paulino. The All-Stars were stripped of their third-place title in the Little League World Series, and all of their records—including Almonte’s no-hitter—were expunged from the Little League record book. About the only thing the team didn’t lose was its key to the city of New York—Mayor Giuliani said he wouldn’t ask for it back, explaining that “it would only add to the hurt and the pain that the innocent children of this team are experiencing.”

Your kidneys, weighing about 5 oz. each, process about 425 gallons of blood a day.

THE STAR:
Ilanit Levy, the Israeli contestant in the 2001 Miss Universe pageant

THE HEADLINE:
Beauty Queen Takes Flak for Wearing Flak Jacket

WHAT HAPPENED:
Citing a desire to “reflect the current tension in the Middle East,” Miss Israel made news all over the world by incorporating body armor into the formal wear she wore during the pageant: She modeled a diamond-encrusted blue flak jacket over a camouflage evening gown. “It’s very Israeli,” she explained to reporters. “We have to show ourselves the way we really are.”

THE AFTERMATH:
The armored look won Levy plenty of headlines, but it didn’t win her the Miss Universe crown. She made it all the way to the finals before being eliminated in the swimsuit contest and losing to Miss Puerto Rico.

THE STAR:
Samuel Feldman, a 37-year-old Pennsylvania advertising executive

THE HEADLINE:
Adman Avoids Squeezing the Charmin—but Squeezes Just About Everything Else

WHAT HAPPENED:
In 1997 local media outlets in suburban Bucks County, Pennsylvania, began reporting a rash of “assaults” on baked goods in supermarkets and bakeries. Somebody was squeezing, crumbling, and poking thousands of dollars’ worth of baked merchandise, damaging it to the point that it was no longer salable. The reign of bakery terror went on for two years before Samuel Feldman was identified as the culprit, thanks to security cameras that caught him in the act on seven different occasions. Dubbed the “Cookie Crumbler” by local reporters, Feldman went on trial in November 2000, charged with destroying $800 worth of cookies and more than $7,000 worth of bread, including 175 bags of bagels, 227 bags of dinner rolls, and 3,087 loaves of bread.

Feldman’s wife, Sharon, came to his defense at the trial. “Freshness is important,” she told the jury, hoping to convince them that her husband only wanted what was best for his family and was a little too picky in how he went about it. She almost succeeded: Jurors actually tried to acquit Feldman on the bread charge, but the judge overruled them, finding him guilty and telling Feldman that his conduct was “not just odd, it was criminal.”

Puff Daddy: Studies show that a nonsmoking bartender inhales the equivalent of 36 cigarettes during an 8-hour shift.

THE AFTERMATH:
Feldman was sentenced to 180 days of probation, was ordered to pay $1,000 in restitution, and was advised to seek psychological counseling.

THE STARS:
Princess Meriam Al Khalifa of Bahrain and Lance Corporal Jason Johnson of the U.S. Marines

THE HEADLINE:
Love-Struck Couple Ignites Royal Headache for U.S. State Department, Bahrain Royal Family

WHAT HAPPENED:
In January 1999, Johnson met his future wife by chance in a shopping mall while stationed in Bahrain. The two soon fell in love, but Princess Meriam’s family forbade her to date Johnson and even put her under police surveillance when they suspected she was seeing him anyway. She was, and when her family found out, they ordered her to end the relationship.

Rather than obey, the couple eloped—on November 2, 1999, Johnson snuck Princess Meriam out of Bahrain using a fake military ID and brought her to the United States, where they were later married in a Las Vegas wedding chapel.

There were just two problems: the princess had entered the country using the same fake ID she had used to sneak out of Bahrain; and her father is the second cousin of the ruling Emir of Bahrain. That made her case an international incident. As her relatives in Bahrain used diplomatic channels to demand her return, American politicians began lining up on Princess Meriam’s side, calling on the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization service to allow her to remain in the United States. Their story made headlines all over the world, and a Hollywood studio began production of a TV movie based on it even before knowing how it would end.

THE AFTERMATH:
If the INS moved to deport Princess Meriam, she was prepared to request asylum on the grounds that if she returned home she faced persecution for marrying a non-Muslim. Neither Bahrain nor the United States wanted a public trial, and in the end her family dropped their demand that she be returned to Bahrain. The INS issued her a green card, which allows her to remain in the U.S. permanently. As for Lance Corporal Johnson, he was reduced in rank to private for helping his fiancée leave Bahrain without permission, and given an early honorable discharge. The couple now lives in Las Vegas.

You can’t always get along with everyone in your family… but these guys just out and out declared war on each other.

The Contestants:
Herbert Haft, who bought his first drugstore in 1955; his wife, Gloria; their daughter Linda; and their sons Robert and Ronald.

The Feud:
Over the years Herbert Haft built his single drugstore into a huge regional chain called Dart Drugs. He also built up the Trak Auto chain of auto parts stores and Consolidated Properties Inc., the family’s real estate division, all of which were part of the Dart Group conglomerate.

In the 1970s, he invited his sons into the business. Robert signed on in 1977 and founded Crown Books. He became famous as the chain’s spokesman, telling TV viewers, “If you paid full price, you didn’t buy it at Crown Books.” By 1993 the Dart Group was worth more than $500 million…but it wouldn’t be for long.

In June 1993,
The Wall Street Journal
published an article that speculated that Robert Haft was the child most likely to take over as head of the family business when Herbert retired. The article infuriated Herbert—he saw it as his “business obituary”—and he responded by firing Robert, Linda, and even Gloria from the company. He and Ronald tried to run the Dart Group together but were soon at each others’ throats. In September 1994, four outside directors seized control of the Dart Group in an attempt to save it from the feuding Hafts.

They were too late—by the time the smoke cleared, Dart Group was no more. Consolidated Properties Inc. filed for bankruptcy in 1995, and Crown Books went under in 1998. (Herbert and Gloria’s marriage was another casualty—they divorced in 1994 after 45 years of marriage.)

And the Winner Is:
Nobody. As of February 2000, Herbert and Robert were still duking it out, this time with
dot.com
drugstores. Robert founded
Vitamins.com
; Herbert runs
HealthQuick.com
. Says Herbert, “I wish Robert well.”

Of the 80,000 known species of plants, only 50 are cultivated regularly.

Ever wonder what inspired some of your favorite songs? Here are a few more inside stories about popular tunes.

T
he Artist:
Beck

The Song:
“Loser”

The Story:
One day, Beck was fooling around at producer Karl Stephenson’s house. Beck started playing slide guitar, and Stephenson began recording. As Stephenson added a Public Enemy–style beat and a sample from Dr. John’s “I Walk on Gilded Splinters,” Beck attempted to freestyle rap—something he had never done before. Frustrated at his inability to rap, Beck began criticizing his own performance:
“Soy un perdedor”
(“I’m a loser” in Spanish). Beck wanted to scrap it, but Stephenson thought it was catchy. Stephenson was right—“Loser” made Beck a star.

The Artist:
David Bowie

The Song:
“Fame”

The Story:
In 1975, as Bowie and his band were playing around in the studio with a riff that guitarist Carlos Alomar had come up with, former Beatle John Lennon dropped in. When they played the riff for Lennon, he immediately picked up a guitar, walked to the corner of the room and started playing along and muttering to himself, “Aim…aim!” When he said, “Fame!” the song started to come together. Bowie ran off to write some lyrics while the band worked out the music. Bowie gave writing credit to Lennon, saying: “It wouldn’t have happened if John hadn’t been there.”

The Artist:
The Byrds

The Song:
“The Ballad of Easy Rider”

The Story:
In an effort to convince Bob Dylan to write the theme song for
Easy Rider,
Peter Fonda gave him a private screening of the movie. Dylan didn’t like the movie and wouldn’t write the song. But he scribbled the words “The river flows, it flows to the sea, wherever the river flows, that’s where I want to be” on a napkin and told Fonda: “Give this to McGuinn,” referring to Roger McGuinn of the Byrds. Fonda gave McGuinn the napkin, and McGuinn immediately finished the song. But when Dylan learned that he had gotten songwriting credit, he called McGuinn and chewed him out, saying he didn’t want to be associated with it in any way. Dylan co-wrote the song, but McGuinn got all the credit.

Brrrr: The Antarctic flea spends 9 months of the year frozen (but alive) under the ice.

The Artist:
Aerosmith

The Song:
“Walk This Way”

The Story:
Guitarist Joe Perry and bassist Tom Hamilton were exhausted from rehearsing the new riff they had written, so they took a break to see a movie—
Young Frankenstein.
Says Hamilton, “There’s that part in the movie where Igor says ‘Walk this way,’ and the other guy walks the same way with the hump and everything. We thought it was the funniest thing we’d ever seen.” After the movie, they told singer Steven Tyler that the name of the song had to be “Walk This Way.” Tyler rushed out and scribbled the lyrics to the song on the walls of the studio’s stairway, and the band recorded the song right then.

The Artist:
The Crystals

The Song:
“He’s a Rebel”

The Story:
Phil Spector wanted to record “He’s a Rebel,” but the publisher told him it was taken—another producer, Snuff Garrett was preparing to record it with singer Vikki Carr. Spector ran out in a panic and dragged vocalist Darlene Love and a bunch of musicians into the studio to cut the song. That evening, Garrett was preparing to record the song when his studio guitarist walked in. He glanced at the music and exclaimed, “Hey, man, I just played this!” Garrett asked “Where?” “In Studio C,” the guitarist replied. By the time Garrett got to the studio to see what was going on, Spector had already put the finishing touches on his version—the version that became the hit.

The Artist:
The Rolling Stones

The Song:
“Jumpin’ Jack Flash”

The Story:
One rainy winter morning, Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were in Richards’s living room when Jagger suddenly jumped up, frightened by a stomping noise. Richards explained, “Oh, that’s just Jack, the gardener. That’s jumpin’ Jack.” The two laughed and Richards began fooling around on the guitar, singing, “Jumpin’ Jack.” Inspired by the lightning, Jagger added “Flash!”

About 45% of all prescription drugs contain ingredients originating in the rainforest.