Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 (29 page)

“Hugh” and “Drew” decided that stealing from a church would be a grand idea. The collections box at Chicago's West Side Catholic Church seemed pretty easy pickings to them. In fact, they figured it'd be so easy they didn't really need to hide their intentions. The two sauntered up to the locked collection box, laid out their church-money-stealing tools, and then went right to work.

But in this case, not only was God watching, but so was Father Matt Foley. Since the church had been robbed before, the priest had seen fit to put a video surveillance camera on the contribution box. On seeing the sinners, Father Foley rushed out to confront them and attempted to take away their tools. Hugh, not to be dissuaded from his prize by a priest proclaimed to all and sundry that he had a knife. Father Foley, less than impressed, grabbed the man, got him in a half-nelson, and had him kissing ground in no time flat. And that's where the cops, summoned by parishioners, found Foley and
Hugh (they later captured Drew). Turns out that Father Foley, although a man of peace by calling, had grown up with six siblings. That'll teach you to fight, all right.

Father Foley served notice that he'd be ready to wrestle the next would-be thief to the ground as well, and told reporters, “No one steals from God.” At least, not in his church.

Source:
cbs2chicago.com

 

H
ow many people does it take to rob a pizza delivery guy?
In Springfield, Massachusetts, the answer is apparently six because that's how many miscreants popped up to rob the Pizza Works delivery guy of his cash and about $45 worth of food and sodas. They had called in the order to a neutral location, set on the poor delivery guy, and then headed to parts unknown.

Just not unknown for long. One of the robbers dropped a scarf at the robbery scene, which provided a clue for Springfield's K9 crew. The dogs sniffed a trail back to a building down the road. But the real clue that the robbers were inside came not from the dogs, but from the robbers themselves in a second-story apartment, who could be heard arguing—loudly—about how to split up the take. This is just one reason why getting six people in on a pizza robbery isn't very smart: six people have enough problems just splitting a pizza, let alone a pizza robbery. Two of the guys then left the apartment and walked out of the door still arguing about the loot, which made it nice and easy for the cops, who were just standing there, to arrest them. They found in the apartment: money, a gun, and food matching the order called in for the robbery.

“We're just happy that these guys are dumber and greedier than we are,” said Springfield Police Capt. William J. Noonan. Not to mention louder.

Source: Court TV

A wise man once said that no matter where you go, there you are. But a wise man also said that some times the journey is the destination. Combine these two sayings and it explains why it seems like you end up spending most of your life in an airport terminal. Now, we're not wise, but we do know this much: when one travels hundreds or even thousands of miles, each mile is an opportunity to do something really dumb. So celebrate the folks in the following stories for taking the initiative and crafting a dumb experience we all can share.

 

L
et's begin by noting
that the very best time for a commercial airline pilot to take a nap is sometime when he or she is not actually in the air. It's just a crazy little thing we've got going, but when we entrust our lives to a human being piloting a multiton conveyance carrying ourselves and a couple hundred other people six miles above the surface of the planet and supported only by a nice stiff breeze, we prefer that human to be
conscious
for most—indeed, all—of that trip.

Having said that, pilots who feel the compelling need to get a little shut-eye mid-flight are nevertheless well advised not to take the example of “Hiro,” a pilot for the Japanese All Nippon Airlines. Hiro was piloting eighty passengers from Tokyo to the city of Ube when he decided that it would be a fine time to studiously examine the inside of his eyelids. The autopilot was on, and his copilot appeared sufficiently alert, so, you know, why not?

One compelling reason why not: the official from Japan's Transportation Ministry, on board for a routine inspection, might view a dozing pilot as an issue for the airline. The official noticed the pilot slumbering and made mention of it to the copilot, who nudged the pilot awake. A few minutes later, the pilot was out again. This time his copilot, politeness be damned, actually did yell at him.

Hiro was grounded pending an investigation, and we suspect a fair number of Japanese started boarding flights with extra capsules of the Japanese version of No-Doz. As a gift for the pilot. Just in case.

Source: Sapa-AP

 

P
eople leave lots of stuff in rental cars:
partially eaten food, umbrellas, books, the occasional stuffed animal or a CD still stuffed in the in-dash player. But eighty-eight bags of heroin? Yeah, that's a new one on us.

And apparently a new one to the employees of Enterprise Rent-a-Car in Langhorne, Pennsylvania, who found the bags of the narcotic hidden under a layer of napkins (so
that's
why the driver forgot them). Wisely, the employees did not use their discovery as seed capital for an ill-advised career switch into drug running, but instead called the police; in addition to the heroin, the employees also handed over something that they figured might come in handy in helping the cops track down the drugs' owner: the guy's wallet. Yes, our guy left behind his wallet and eighty-eight bags of heroin. Man, that's one forgetful dude.

The cops called “Jerry,” the alleged drug-transporting wallet-leaver, and posing as lowlifes, offered to exchange the drugs for $300. Jerry agreed. When he showed up to take delivery, he was arrested and charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to deliver.

Ironically, Jerry had been released from prison just a few months before. What was he in the slammer for? Heroin distribution. Dumb people never learn.

Source: Associated Press

 

S
helia” the stripper was inebriated, scantily clad, and sleepy.
So what did Sheila do? Since she wasn't at home, she decided to find a nice quiet spot to take a nap.

Now before you start pointing your fingers, let us inform you that her being drunk, sleepy, and a stripper is not the dumb part of the story. The dumb part of the story is that the cozy spot our heroine decided to nap in was an airplane. To get to it, she had to climb over a barbed wire fence (try that in a g-string!) at the Aberdeen Airport in Scotland without being detected by airport security. She had been in the airplane for
eight hours
before someone finally figured out she was there.

“I expect this incident causes great embarrassment to the airport authorities,” security expert David Capitanchik noted to the BBC. “It's not the sort of thing that should happen. That's what barbed wire fences are there for and CCTV (closed circuit television) and guys who should be patrolling the perimeter.”

Even Shelia was outraged. “If I can break into a major airport,” she said, “what chance have they got catching terrorists?” Indeed. Especially since the terrorists are unlikely to be wearing such skimpy outfits.

Shelia was let off with a warning and banned from the airport—unless she's actually planning to fly somewhere. Although we suspect she's not going to be too keen on going anywhere from that particular airport. After all, she knows how lax security there can be.

Source: BBC, Reuters

 

C
harley” had an excellent reason to be irritated at trains.
In 1989 the Appleton, Wisconsin, man had a run-in with a train that crushed his car and put him in a wheelchair. But that's not the reason that Charley hated locomotives. Fact is, he thought their horns are just too loud. And to protest their intrusion into his earspace, he would go right up to the tracks, where he could be seen by the engineers and conductors, and shoot them the bird. The train crews were so familiar with his presence they considered him a “regular,” just another attraction on the trip. If it's a man in a wheelchair sticking up his middle finger, it must be Appleton.

One night Charley was preparing to flip off the Canadian National engine that was chugging down the track. But Charley's enthusiasm to get the best position apparently caused him to forget a critical thing: don't get too close to the train. Charley's wheelchair was clipped by the engine's gas tank. The collision sent Charley flying backward. Luckily, his only injuries were a mere scrape on his arm and a bruised ego.

Charley's reward for getting clipped? A citation from the Appleton police for being a pedestrian in violation of traffic signals. He was also advised to find a less dangerous way to register his complaints. That's probably good advice. Although if he takes it, how will the train crews know they're in Appleton?

Source:
The Post-Crescent
(Appleton, WI), USA Today

 

L
arry” was like many vacationers to sunny Spain.
He enjoyed his imbibibles. Although perhaps more than other vacationers—he enjoyed them so much that he would sometimes drink enough to make him surly and combative. As he was after he had downed most of a bottle of vodka and then decided to pick a fight with another vacationer. The details of why the particular fight was started are hazy, but we do know that Larry at one point went up to a man and asked him to “step outside” for a fight.

We know for fact that the two of them did not step outside. We know this because “outside” in this case was 25,000 feet up: Larry and his erstwhile opponent were passengers in an Easy-Jet flight from Alicante to Bristol. Larry was apparently so drunk that he didn't realize that “Let's you and me step outside” actually meant a freefall to certain death for both of them.