Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (47 page)

• The droplets are sprayed onto paper or some other surface, and are covered with a layer of plastic resin or gum arabic.

• The scent remains fresh beneath the resin until someone scratches the surface. This bursts the layer of resin or gum that holds the droplets, and the smell escapes.

SCRATCH ’N’ SNIFF FACTS

• Scratch ’n’ sniff pages and scented pages aren’t just novelties; they’re big business. According to a study commissioned by Ralph Lauren Fragrances, 76% of women who buy new perfumes are introduced to the fragrances through scented inserts in magazines.

• On average, scented pages cost twice as much as scent-free ads.

chips, weighs 134 pounds, believes in the devil, and has sex about five times a month.

• A lot of people hate perfume strips, despite their popularity with perfume and ad companies. In fact, they can actually make sensitive people ill. In June 1991, a man wrote to
The New Yorker
complaining that “A very noxious and pervacious [sic] odor invaded this house with the mail today. Much to our surprise, it came from the arriving copy of
The New Yorker
....I am an elderly asthmatic, allergic to perfume, and although I have retched occasionally at some material in
The New Yorker
, I have never vomited on it before.” As a result of his and other complaints, many magazines now offer scented and unscented editions.

• Another problem was that magazines were running more and more ads with perfume strips. Magazines got so smelly that perfume companies had to limit the number that could appear—and the post office itself began regulating scented inserts.

WEIRD USES

• In 1989 the English National Opera produced a scratch ’n’ sniff version of Prokofiev’s “Love for Three Oranges.” Audience members received a special “fragrance panel” at the beginning of the play, along with instructions telling them when to sniff. The card even contained a scent for an unpleasant character named Farfarello, who has “bad breath and emits gasses.” His smell was supposed to be “a cross between bad eggs and body odor,” but the stench was so overpowering that it made the entire fragrance panel stink. In later performances of the play, his scent was left out.

• In 1990 the rock group Swamp Zombies released
Scratch and Sniff Car Crash
, an album whose cover smelled like burnt rubber. Weird inspiration: The band members got the idea after two of them narrowly escaped serious injury in automobile accidents.

• In 1989 the RJ Reynolds Tobacco company test-marketed Chelsea cigarettes, a brand targeted at women. Its major selling point: the smokes were rolled in a paper that gave off a sweet smell when it burned. They promoted the brand with scratch ’n’ sniff newspaper ads showing off the scented papers. The ads smelled great—but cigarette sales stank, and the brand was dropped.

• In 1989 BEI Defense Systems, a Dallas missile manufacturer, ran a scratch ’n’ sniff ad in
Armed Forces Journal
touting the company’s “extraordinarily lethal” Flechette rocket. The ad smelled like cordite (the explosive contained in the warhead), an aroma the company called “the smell of victory.”

According to most pollsters, it’s easier to get a person to disclose intimate details about

Here are more origins of common phrases
.

B
ORN WITH A SILVER SPOON IN ONE’S MOUTH

Meaning:
Pampered; lucky; born into wealth or prosperous circumstances.

Origin:
At one time, it was customary for godparents to give their godchild a silver spoon at the baby’s christening. These people were usually well-off, so the spoon came to represent the child’s good fortune.

BITE THE BULLET

Meaning:
Get on with a difficult or unpleasant task.

Origin:
“Although one can find other explanations, it seems most plausible that the term originated in battlefield surgery before the days of anesthesia. A surgeon about to operate on a wounded soldier would urge him to bite on a bullet of soft lead to distract him from the pain; at least it would minimize his ability to scream and thus divert the surgeon.” (From
The Dictionary of Clichés
, by James Rogers)

SOMETHING FITS TO A “T”

Meaning:
It fits perfectly.

Origin:
Commonly thought of as a reference to the T-square, which is used to draw parallel lines and angles. But this phrase was used in the 1600s, before anyone called the tool a T-square. “A more likely explanation is that the expression was originally ‘to a tittle.’ A tittle was the dot over the “i”, so the phrase meant ‘to a dot’ or ‘fine point.’” (From
Why Do We Say It
, by Nigel Rees)

THINGS WILL PAN OUT/HAVEN’T PANNED OUT

Meaning:
Optimistic view that things will work out / things haven’t worked out.

Origin:
When prospectors look for gold, they kneel by a river or stream and wash dirt from the bed in a shallow pan. This is called
panning
. Traditionally, when prospectors were sure they’d find gold, they said things “would pan out.” When they didn’t find it, they said things “didn’t pan out.” (From
Gold!
, by Gordon Javna)

their private life than it is to get them to tell you how much money they make.

YOU’RE NO SPRING CHICKEN

Meaning:
You’re not young anymore; you’re past your prime.

Origin:
“Until recent generations, there were no incubators and few warm hen houses. That meant chicks couldn’t be raised during winter. New England growers found that those born in the spring brought premium prices in the summer market places.” When these Yankee traders tried to pass off old birds as part of the spring crop, smart buyers would protest that the bird was ‘no spring chicken.’” (From
Why You Say It
, by Webb Garrison)

CLEAR THE DECKS

Meaning:
Prepare for action; take care of minor matters, so you can focus on important ones.

Origin:
A battle order in the days of sailing ships. “A crew prepared for battle by removing or fastening down all loose objects on deck that might otherwise get in the way of the guns or be knocked down and injure a sailor.” (From
Fighting Words
, by Christine Ammer)

TRYING TO MAKE BOTH ENDS MEET

Meaning:
Trying to stretch your income to live within your means.

Origin:
On sailing ships of the 1400s and 1500s, sails “were raised and lowered separately, and the rigging involved hundreds of ropes. Some were permanently fixed. When such a rope broke, most preferred to replace it rather than attempt a repair job.” But ship owners who were low on cash often told their captains “to pull broken rope ends together and splice them.” So “a piece of rigging was stretched to the limit in order for both ends to meet.” Gradually, the term moved from ship to shore, and came to mean stretching things to the limit because of a shortage of funds. (From
I’ve Got Goose Pimples
, by Martin Vanoni)

Important thought:
“If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”—
Brooke Shields

Alibi means “elsewhere” in Latin.

Wisdom from our first president, George Washington
.

“Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company.”

“Discipline is the soul of an army. It makes small numbers formidable, procures success to the weak, and esteem to all.”

“Cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it.”

“Let us rise to a standard to which the wise and honest can repair.”

“I have always given it as my decided opinion that...everyone had a right to form and adopt whatever government they liked best to live under themselves.”

“It is only after time has been given for cool and deliberate reflection that the real voice of the people can be known.”

“To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace.”

“A great and lasting war can never be supported on [patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some reward.”

“Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.”

“Do not conceive that fine clothes make fine men, any more that fine feathers make fine birds.”

“In a free and republican government, you cannot restrain the voice of the multitude.”

“The preservation of the sacred fire of liberty, and the destiny of the republican model of government, are...staked, on the experiment entrusted to the hands of the American people.”

“Our cruel and unrelenting enemy leaves us only the choice of brave resistance, or the most abject submission. We have, therefore, to resolve to conquer or die.”

“It is well I die hard, but I am not afraid to go.”

Poll results: 59% of married men and 61% of married women say sex gets better after marriage.

Words of wisdom from George Carlin, one of America’s most popular wise guys
.

“Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It’s called assohol.”

“I think I am. Therefore, I am...I think.”

“The only good thing to come from religion is the music.”

“When I was real small I heard about this thing called the decline of civilization... and I decided that it was something I would like to become involved in.”

“I hope that someday a pope chooses the name Shorty.”

“If God really made everything, I’d say he had a quality control problem.”

“People are okay taken two or three at a time. Beyond that number they tend to choose up sides and wear armbands.”

“I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.”

“If you want to really test a faith healer, tell him you want a smaller shoe size.”

“Remember: Dishonesty is the second best policy.”

“I wonder why prostitution is illegal. Why should it be illegal to sell something that’s perfectly legal to give away?”

“I say live and let live. Anyone who can’t accept that should be executed.”

“Just when I found the meaning of life, they changed it.”

“I never thought I’d grow old. I always thought it was something that would happen to the other guy.”

“Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest bit of interest in it.”

“I don’t mind a little government regulation, but requiring people to wear helmets during intercourse is going too far.”

Estimated number of one room schoolhouses in Nebraska: 300.

Here’s a bit of American history we’re all familiar with...but know almost nothing about. The BRI wants to change that, because we don’t want witch trials—or witch hunts—in our era. After all, someone just might decide that reading in the bathroom is a sign of demonic possession
.

B
ACKGROUND
The trouble at Salem, Massachusetts, began with two young girls acting oddly. It exploded into one of the strangest cases of mass hysteria in American history. In the six-month period between March and September 1692, 27 people were convicted on witchcraft charges; 20 were executed, and more than 100 other people were in prison awaiting trial.

CHILD’S PLAY

In March 1692, nine-year-old Betty Parris and her cousin Abigail Williams, 12, were experimenting with a fortune-telling trick they’d learned from Tituba, the Parris family’s West Indian slave. To find out what kind of men they’d marry when they grew up, they put an egg white in a glass...and then studied the shape it made in the glass.

But instead of glimpsing their future husbands, the girls saw an image that appeared to be “in the likeness of a coffin.” The apparition shocked them...and over the next few days they exhibited behavior that witnesses described as “foolish, ridiculous speeches,” “odd postures,” “distempers,” and “fits.”

Reverend Samuel Parris was startled by his daughter’s condition and took her to see William Griggs, the family doctor. Griggs couldn’t find out what was wrong with the girl, but he suspected the problem had supernatural origins. He told Rev. Parris that he thought the girl had fallen victim to “the Evil Hand”—witchcraft.

The family tried to keep Betty’s condition a secret, but rumors began spreading almost immediately—and within two months at least eight other girls began exhibiting similar forms of bizarre behavior.

Your body creates as much as two quarts of saliva daily.

THE PARANOIA GROWS

The citizens of Salem Village demanded that the authorities take action. The local officials subjected the young girls to intense questioning, and soon the girls began naming names. The first three women they accused of witchcraft were Tituba and two other women from Salem Village, Sarah Good and Sarah Osborne.

The three women were arrested and held for questioning. A few weeks later two more suspects, Martha Cory and Rebecca Nurse, were arrested on similar charges. And at the end of April a sixth person—the Reverend George Burroughs, a minister that Abigail Williams identified as the leader of the witches—was arrested and imprisoned. The girls continued to name names. By the middle of May, more than 100 people had been arrested for witchcraft.