Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (103 page)
Read Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers' Institute
“What is a Caucus-race?” said Alice; Not that she much wanted to know, but the Dodo had paused as if it thought that somebody ought to speak, and no one else seemed inclined to say anything.
“Why,” said the Dodo, “the best way to explain it is to do it.” (
And, as you might like to try the thing yourself some winter day, I’ll tell you how the Dodo managed it
.)
THE CAUCUS RACE
First it marked out a race-course, in a sort of circle (“the exact shape doesn’t matter,” it said) and then all the party were placed along the course, here and there. There was no “One, two, three, and away!” but they began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over. However, when they had been running half an hour or so, and were quite dry again, the Dodo suddenly called out “The race is over!” and they all crowded round it, panting, and asking, “But who has won?”
Men are three times more likely than women to commit suicide after an unhappy love affair.
This question the Dodo could not answer without a great deal of thought, and it stood for a long time with one finger pressed upon its forehead (the position in which you usually see Shakespeare, in the pictures of him), while the rest waited in silence. At last the Dodo said “Everybody has won, and all must have prizes.”
ALICE IS SELECTED
“But who is to give the prizes?” quite a chorus of voices asked.
“Why, she, of course,” said the Dodo, pointing to Alice with one finger; and the whole party at once crowded round her, calling out, in a confused way, “Prizes! Prizes!”
Alice had no idea what to do, and in despair she put her hand in her pocket, and pulled out a box of comfits...and handed them round as prizes. There was exactly one a-piece, all round.
“But she must have a prize herself, you know,” said the Mouse.
“Of course,” the Dodo replied very gravely. “What else have you got in your pocket?” it went on, turning to Alice.
“Only a thimble,” said Alice sadly.
“Hand it over here,” said the Dodo.
Then they all crowded round her once more, while the Dodo solemnly presented the thimble, saying “We beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble”; and, when it had finished this short speech, they all cheered.
Alice thought the whole thing very absurd, but they all looked so grave that she did not dare to laugh; and, as she could not think of anything to say, she simply bowed, and took the thimble, looking as solemn as she could.
Alice begins talking about her cat, and the animals nervously slink away. The Dodo never appears again
.
Frank House, a catcher for the Kansas City Athletics, was nicknamed “Pig.”
Here are the solutions to our brain teasers, games, and quizzes
.
1.
John Underwood, Andover, Mass
. (JOHN under WOOD, and over MASS)
2.
I thought I heard a noise outside, but it was
nothing after all
. (0 after ALL)
3.
Let’s have
an understanding
(AN under STANDING)
4.
Look around you
. (LOOK around U)
5.
“Remember,” she said to the group, “
united we stand, divided we fall.”
(United WESTAND, divided WE FALL)
6.
“Why’d he do that?” Jesse asked. “Well, son,” I said, “he’s a
mixed-up kid.”
(DKI = kid)
7.
Texas? I love
wide-open spaces
. (S P A C E S)
8.
“Drat! My watch broke. Time to get it
repaired.”
(RE paired)
9.
“I remember the 1960s,” she said,
looking backward
. (GNIKOOL = “looking” spelled backward)
10.
No, we’re not living together anymore. It’s a
legal separation
. (L E G A L)
11.
Haven’t seen him in a while. He’s
far away from home
. (FAR away from HOME)
12.
Careful, I warned my sister. He’s a
wolf in sheep’s clothing
. (WOLF inside WOOL)
13.
“How do I get out of here?” he asked. I said, “Just calm down and put the
car in reverse.”
(RAC = car spelled backward)
14. I
tried to teach her, but no luck. I guess she’s a
backward child
. (DLIHC =
child
spelled backward)
15.
When it’s raining,
she meets me under an umbrella
. (SHE meets ME under AN UMBRELLA)
Queen bees don’t use their stingers—except to kill other queen bees.
1. C)
They added Raymond Burr, casting him as Steve Martin, a reporter who remembers the whole incident as a flashback. It starts off with Burr in a hospital bed, recalling the horror he’s seen. Then, throughout the film, footage of Burr is cleverly inserted to make it seem as though he’s interacting with the Japanese cast.
2. C)
Gigantis;
it was illegal to use the name Godzilla. Warner Bros. brought the film into America, but they forgot to secure the rights to the name Godzilla, so they couldn’t legally use it. In this film, by the way, Godzilla crushes Osaka instead of Tokyo, and begins his long tradition of monster-fighting (he takes on a giant creature called Angorus).
3. B)
A giant cockroach and a robot with a buzz saw in his stomach. The Seatopioans, stationed under the sea, are using a metal bird monster with a buzz saw (Gaigan) and a giant cockroach (Megalon—described as a “metal monster insect with drill arms”) to fight Godzilla on the surface. Godzilla can’t take them on alone. He teams up with Jet Jaguar, a cyborg who can change size to fight monsters.
4. B)
A giant moth. The thing is Mothra, who starred in its own film a few years earlier. Godzilla kills Mothra—but a giant egg on display at a carnival hatches, and two “junior Mothras” emerge. They spin a cocoon around Godzilla and dump him in the ocean.
5. A)
He fought a Godzilla robot from outer space. The film was originally called
Godzilla vs. the Bionic Monster
, presumably to cash in on the popularity of the “Six Million Dollar Man” TV show. But the owners of that TV show sued, and the title was changed to
Godzilla vs. the Cosmic Monster
.
6. C)
A three-headed dragon. To defeat them, Godzilla takes a partner again—this time Angorus, his foe from
Gigantis
.
7. A)
The Smog Monster—a 400-foot blob of garbage. The smog monster flies around, leaving a trail of poisonous vapors that cause people to drop like flies, especially at discos where teens are dancing to anti-pollution songs. Don’t miss the smash tune, “Save the Earth.”
There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.
8. B)
To show a little kid how to fight bullies. The boy falls asleep and dreams he travels to Monster Island, where Godzilla and his son teach him how to defend himself.
9. C)
A giant lobster. Actually, he might be a giant shrimp. It’s hard to tell. His strength: He can regenerate a limb every time one is torn off.
10. C)
It was Godzilla’s son. Imagine that—Godzilla’s a parent!
AUNT LENNA’S PUZZLES, PAGE 320
1.
The accountant and lawyer were women. Steve is a man’s name.
2.
The answers are WHOLESOME and ONE WORD.
AUNT LENNA’S PUZZLES, PAGE 359
1.
He couldn’t have heard where she was going if he was deaf.
2.
99 99/99
3.
His wife was on a life-support system. When he pushed the elevator button, he realized the power had gone off.
4.
The first man, who saw the smoke, knew first; the second man, who heard it, knew second; the third man, who saw the bullet, knew last. The speed of light travels faster than the speed of sound, and the speed of sound travels faster than a bullet.
5.
Her shoes. Check it out against the woman’s laments—it makes sense.
The flu was first described by Hippocrates, in 412 B.C.
6.
Let’s start with the grandmothers and grandfathers. That’s 4. They’re all mothers and fathers, so if there are 3 mothers and 3 fathers, we have 2 new people—1 mother, 1 father—for a total of 6.
The 2 mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law are the grandparents, so we don’t count them again. The son-in-law and daughter-in-law are the 2 additional parents, so we don’t count them again, either. The 2 sons and 2 daughters are their children—which makes 10 people.
AUNT LENNA’S PUZZLES, PAGE 397
1.
She’s talking about the amount of bills, not the year. 1,993 bills are worth exactly $1 more than more than 1,992 bills.
2.
They were traveling at different times.
3.
Noel (No “L”).
4.
She grabbed one of the stones and quickly let it “slip” from her hands. Then, because she “couldn’t find” the stone she’d dropped, she just looked in the bag to see what was left. It was a black stone, of course...which meant she’d won the bet.
5.
Cut them into quarters with two cuts...then stack the quarters on top of each other and cut once. Eight pieces, three cuts.
6.
She wrote:
Elvis collected statuettes of Joan of Arc and Venus de Milo.
1. Zone Improvement Plan Code
2. Deoxyribo Nucleic Acid
3. Dead On Arrival
4. Erhard Seminars Training (or Eastern Standard Time)
5. (Department of) Housing and Urban Development
6. INTERnational Criminal POLice Organization
7. Keep It Simple Stupid
8. Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation
9. UNIVersal Automatic Computer
10. NAtional BIScuit COmpany
11. National Aeronautics and Space Administration
12. New England Confectionary COmpany
13. Not In My BackYard
14. National Organization of Women
15. Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries
16. Occupational Safety and Health Administration
17. QUASi-StellAR Radio Source
18. Research ANd Development Corp.
19. Run Batted In
20. Rapid Eye Movement
21. Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus
22. Sealed With A Kiss
23. TriNiTrotoluene
24. United Nations Educational Scientific and Cultural Organization
25. United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund
26. Computerized Axial Tomography scan
27. Airborne Warning And Control System
28. Absent WithOut Leave
29. Compact Disc—Read Only Memory
30. Mobile Army Surgical Hospital
31. Will COmply
32. SOund Navigation And Ranging
33. Situation Normal, All Fouled (or F———) Up
34. North Atlantic Treaty Organization
35. Strategic Arms Limitation Talks
36. RAdio Detection And Ranging
According to one survey, Danes spent $166 million on prostitutes in 1993.
37. Subsonic Cruise Unarmed Decoy
38. Strategic Air Command
39. What You See Is What You Get
40. Women’s Army Corps
4L SEa-Air-Land unitS
42. MicroSoft Disk Operating System
43. NORth American Air Defense Command
44. Tele-Active Shock Electronic Repulsion
45. Random Access Memory
46. Waste Of Money, Brains, And Time
47. Also Known As
48. CANada Oil, Low Acid
TEST YOUR “BEVERLY HILLBILLIES” IQ, PAGE 489
1. B)
Still smarting from the cancellation of a sitcom called “The Bob Cummings Show” in 1959, Paul Henning, a TV executive, took his wife and mother-in-law on a 14,000-mile automobile trip through the eastern half of the United States. Henning was trying to get his mind off business, but it didn’t work—the places he visited kept giving him ideas for new shows. After touring a Civil War site, he thought of creating a sit-com around the concept of an 1860s family that somehow lands in the 1960s...but he couldn’t think of a believable way to transport them through time. He later explained:
I wondered how, without being too magic, such a thing could be accomplished. I subsequently read a little bit about someone trying to build a road through a remote section of the Ozark Mountains and how the residents would try to stop the building of the road. They didn’t want to have access. Part of that, I’m sure, was that a lot of them made their living moonshining and they didn’t want “fereners,” as they called it, coming in the remote places.
Turning the concept around, Henning thought that hillbillies moving to California was a good idea for a sit-com. He jotted down some ideas and showed them to executives of Filmways Television over lunch; by the end of the meeting the series had been sold.
2. A)
“I told [Filmways] the concept,” Henning later recalled. “These hillbillies strike oil and move to a sophisticated urban center, which I first imagined to be New York. But then I got to thinking of the cost of filming in New York and how it wouldn’t work. Where else could they land? I thought of Beverly Hills, which is about as sophisticated as you can get on the West Coast.”