Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (39 page)

Lonely Christian woman
has not sung Glory Hallelujah in a long time. Write soon!

Cute guy with snowplow
sought by head-turnin’, zany, brainy, late-30s Babe to share happy time in the big driveway of love. A rake for springtime a big plus!

Coldhearted, insensitive
unconscionable, selfish, hedonistic, drunk liar seeks next gullible male without enough sense to stay away from me.

Gorgeous blonde model
, tired of being patronized. Looking for sincere, understanding man. Must be willing to listen to stories of alien abduction.

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

Mentally Ill?
Are you restrained in a straight-jacket? Do you think you’re a chicken? Did you kill and eat your last boyfriend? I don’t mind. This tall, educated, professional SWM would like to meet an interesting woman!

I drink a lot of beer
, smoke a lot of cigars, and watch football nonstop from September to January. I seek a woman, 18-32, to share this with.

If it takes
a three-legged elephant with one tusk 5 days to cross the Sahara Desert, how many times do I have to put an ad in to get one call?

Award-winning poet
, 27 yrs., seeks short-term, intense, doomed relationship for inspiration. Must be attractive, sensual, articulate, ruthless, 21-30 yrs., under 5′6″. Break my heart, please.