Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader (65 page)

Uncovering and exposing the fraud gave Clarence King’s career a huge boost; in 1879 he became the first director of the U.S. Geological Survey. But he was a better geologist than he was a businessman, as he learned to his dismay in 1881 when he quit working for the government and took up ranching. He failed at that, then went on to fail at mining and banking. He died penniless in 1901 at the age of 59.

FOOL’S GOLD

So did anyone come out ahead from the experience? Apparently only Henry Janin, the mining engineer who had vouched for the authenticity of the diamond field. He suffered a blow to his reputation when the hoax was exposed, but by then he’d already sold his $10,000 worth of shares to another investor for $40,000. Janin was never implicated in the scam; as far as anyone knows, his good fortune was just a case of dumb luck.

You think you’re picky about coffee? Beethoven counted out 60 beans for each cup.

GENTLEMAN GEORGE

Every American school kid knows (or
should
know) that George Washington is called the “Father of Our Country,” because he led the American victory over the British in the Revolutionary War and became the first president of the United States. Here’s a story about Washington that might surprise you.

C
LASS WARFARE
When American colonists revolted against England in 1775, they knew that the British army would try to quash the rebellion by force. They had to raise an army of their own quickly and prepare to fight back. To lead the new militia, they selected a plantation owner and former military commander from Virginia named George Washington. The class-conscious English didn’t take the American commander seriously. To them, only noblemen were capable of commanding an army, and Washington was a commoner.

His opponent, General William Howe, the fifth Viscount Howe, was a true gentleman, raised in the royal court, and was also a decorated war hero and one of England’s best soldiers. But Howe learned to respect his American adversary. “He conducted himself like a gentleman,” he would often say. He based his evaluation on several incidents, especially two events concerning Washington’s scrupulous following of an honored rule of war: a soldier could be taken prisoner, but his personal property must be returned to him.

MAN OF (UNREAD) LETTERS

When American troops occupied a British encampment early in 1776, they found a packet of letters left by a high-ranking British officer in Howe’s command. Washington read them, searching for information of intelligence value. But there was none—just an indication of some personal indiscretions by the officer. Under a flag of truce, Washington sent the letters to Howe. He added a personal note, asking his adversary to pass the letters along to the officer without reading them. Shortly thereafter, Washington received a personal note from Howe, thanking him for his courtesy and assuring him the letters had been passed along unread.

Thanks a lot! Emperor Vespasian introduced pay toilets to Rome in the 1st century A.D.

THE DOG

A second exchange took place after the Battle of Germantown, on October 4, 1777. After initial success, the American attack failed. Somehow, a small white dog ended up with the retreating soldiers. When they halted, they checked his collar. They had lost the battle…but they had captured Lord Howe’s pet fox terrier.

Washington’s staff wanted him to keep the dog as a mascot. But Washington refused: The dog was Howe’s personal property and would be returned. While the terrier was being combed and fed, Washington dictated a note to his aide-de-camp, Alexander Hamilton. “General Washington’s compliments to General Howe, does himself the pleasure to return to him a Dog, which accidentally fell into his hands, and by the inscription on the collar, appears to belong to General Howe.”

AN HONORABLE ACT

Washington then ordered one of his men to backtrack 25 miles, carrying the dog in one hand and a white flag in the other. The missing pup was safely returned to his master, who discovered a second—hidden—note. One of Howe’s staff officers described the reunion:

The General seemed most pleased at the return of the dog. He took him upon his lap, seemingly uncaring that the mud from the dog’s feet soiled his tunic. Whilst he stroked the dog, he discovered a tightly folded message that had been secreted under the dog’s wide collar. The General read the message, which seemed to have a good effect upon him. Although I know not what it said, it is likely to have been penned by the commander of the rebellion.

So what did the second note say? No one knows—neither Washington nor Howe ever disclosed its contents. However, we know Howe appreciated the gesture. He referred to the exchange many times as “an honorable act of a gentleman.”

*        *        *

FAMOUS FOLKS AND WHAT THEY FEAR THE MOST

Michael Jordan:
Swimming

Alfred Hitchcock:
Eggs

Queen Elizabeth I:
Roses

Andre Agassi:
Spiders

Barbra Streisand:
Performing

Augustus Caesar:
The dark

Sid Caesar:
Getting a haircut

Last song that Elvis performed in public: “Bridge Over Troubled Water.”

SHOCKERS!

They didn’t see it coming.

H
OW SEW?
Setup:
In 1993 Gennady Varlamov of Ekaterinburg, Russia, went to the doctor because he had a bad headache. The doctor could find nothing besides minor flu symptoms, so he took an X-ray of Varlamov’s head.

Surprise!
Varlamov had three sewing needles in his brain. “My hair stood on end when I saw the X-ray,” Varlamov said. “This is incredible that I have had them all my life!” They were from 1½ to 3 inches long, at the top of his brain just beneath the skull. The headache went away—the doctor said the needles probably weren’t the cause and recommended
not
removing them surgically, since they posed no danger to Varlamov. He kept the story to himself until 2006, when his local news station offered a chance to win a television for an unusual story. Varlamov won. Neither he nor the doctor has any idea how the needles got there. (Uncle John’s theory: aliens.)

HAVING A BALL

Setup:
A group of 10 boys, aged 7 to 14, were playing street hockey in Fairhaven, Connecticut, in January, 2006. They were using a tennis ball they had found in a parking lot.

Surprise!
One of the boys took a slapshot at the ball and it exploded. It was described by a witness as a loud “Bang!” followed by sparks. Police examined the ball and found that it had been stuffed full of gunpowder, firecrackers, and match heads. None of the boys were hurt.

HE AIN’T HEAVY

Setup:
Thirty-five-year-old Russian Igor Namyatov went to a doctor for back pain when he was a teenager. Doctors told him he had a “fatty growth” in his back, but that it was harmless. The pain eventually subsided and Namyatov forgot about it…until it came back 20 years later. Doctors then said it wasn’t a fatty growth, it was a tumor, and they scheduled an operation to remove it.

Kansas City, Missouri, has more miles of boulevards…

Surprise!
The doctors were shocked (and probably a bit freaked out) when they saw that the “tumor” had hands. And legs. It wasn’t a tumor at all—it was Namyatov’s twin brother. In what is a rare but documented occurrence, the fetus had merged with Namyatov’s while they were still in the womb and had never developed. Some of Namyatov’s neighbors, newspapers reported, were disappointed that doctors had removed it. “They should have waited to see what would become of it later on,” one said.

HOME REMODEL

Setup:
In January 2006, a real estate agent in Sandpoint, Idaho, took a couple and their son to look at a rental house near town.

Surprise!
The agent entered the house, turned on a light…and the house exploded. All four of them were blown off the porch and into the snow. There had been a propane leak in the house, and the tiny arc of electricity caused by turning on the light had ignited it. They all had to be flown to Seattle to be treated for burns, but eventually everyone was okay. The house survived, but many of the walls were damaged and all the windows were blown out.

GOOD NEIGHBORS

Setup:
The couple in the story above, Cody and Jodi Greve-Likkel, and their six-year-old son, Mason, returned home to Idaho a few days later. An ironic twist to their tale was that they were looking at the rental home because their own house had burned down just two months earlier. And they had no insurance.

Surprise!
When they got back home to Sandpoint, they found that people in their community—many of whom didn’t know them at all—had held a fundraiser for them. Besides receiving a generous amount of cash, they were met at the airport by Chud Wendle, owner of Wendle Motors, the local Ford dealership. He presented them with the keys to a new car.

*        *        *

“After twenty years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood.”

—
actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson

…than Paris and more fountains than any city but Rome.

PIG OUT

According to statistics, Super Bowl Sunday is more than just a sporting event—it trails only Thanksgiving as America’s biggest food feast. So what’s wrong with a little overindulgence? Read on.

P
UTTING ON THE FEED BAG
Every year on a Sunday in February, almost half the population of the United States gathers in groups around their TV sets to watch the Super Bowl—130 million people did it in 2005. As they watch, they eat. And eat. According to the Snack Food Association of America, during the Super Bowl Americans will snarf down roughly 30 million pounds of snack food—double the nation’s average daily consumption—including 11.2 million pounds of potato chips, 8.2 million pounds of tortilla chips, 4.3 million pounds of pretzels, 3.8 million pounds of popcorn, 2.5 million pounds of nuts, and 13.2 million pounds of avocados (for guacamole). Here are some more fascinating Super Bowl food facts:

• Americans spend $50 million on Super Bowl snacks, but that pales next to the $237 million spent on soft drinks.

• What’s the most popular item sold in food stores on Super Bowl Sunday—beer? Wrong. It’s pizza. In fact, Pizza Hut claims that it sells more pizzas on Super Bowl Sunday than on any other day of the year.

• During the Super Bowl an average fan might easily pig out on more than 3,000 calories of snack food and beer. (And that’s not taking into account calories consumed with pregame snacks and a postgame dinner and dessert.) A plate of nachos contains around 1,400 calories. A dozen chicken wings with blue-cheese dip adds another 1,000. A 180-pound man would have to jog 18 miles in three hours to burn off all those calories.

• Want to hedge your bet on who will win next year’s Super Bowl? Each year before the game, the California Avocado Commission whips up guacamole recipes reflecting the competing teams (for instance, the entry for the Seattle Seahawks had shrimp as an ingredient) and holds a “taste-off” to see which is best. The winner of the “C.A.C. AvoBowl” has won the Super Bowl 60% of the time.

It is forbidden for aircraft to fly over the Taj Mahal.

OSCAR’S BLOOPERS

Even films that won the Academy Award for Best Picture can’t escape the scrutinizing eyes of our movie-blooper hunters.

M
ovie:
The English Patient
(1996)
Scene:
During a flashback, Almásy (Ralph Fiennes) writes a note that ends with “December 22, 1938.”
Blooper:
When Hana (Juliette Binoche) reads the note in the present, it ends with “December 22.” What happened to the year?

Movie:
Rain Man
(1988)

Scene:
Raymond (Dustin Hoffman) is spouting off air-travel statistics, stating that QANTAS is the only major airline to have never had a fatal crash.

Blooper:
Between 1927 and 1951, QANTAS had eight fatal crashes. (QANTAS, by the way, was the only major airline that didn’t delete this scene for its in-flight movie.)

Movie:
The Godfather, Part II
(1974)

Scene:
Toward the end of the movie, the characters are talking about Pearl Harbor and how it happened on “Pop’s birthday.”

Blooper:
The Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor on December 7. According to the tombstone from the end of
The Godfather
, Pop’s birthday is April 29.

Movie:
Gladiator
(2000)

Scene:
During the Battle of Carthage in the Colosseum, one of the chariots flips over.

Blooper:
Look closely when the dust settles and you can see that this ancient Roman chariot was equipped with a gas tank.

Movie:
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(2003)

Scene:
After defeating the big spider, Sam (Sean Astin) rushes over to Frodo (Elijah Wood), who has been paralyzed.

Hey movie buffs—can you name the Warner Brothers? (Harry, Albert, Sam, and Jack.)

Blooper:
When Frodo is lying on the ground unconscious, his eyes are open. When Sam picks him up, Frodo’s eyes are closed. When he’s on Sam’s lap, his eyes are open again.