Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader (25 page)
Read Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
How about you? More than 1.5 million Americans are allergic to peanuts.
For the next 10 years, Weinberg traveled the world with the 1¢ Magenta, displaying it in major exhibitions everywhere he went. With both security and publicity in mind, he carried the valuable stamp in a metal briefcase handcuffed to his wrist.
BUYER #7
There is no doubt that Weinberg’s travels and exhibitions increased the stamp’s value—exactly what Weinberg and his syndicate wanted. Recognizing that their plan had succeeded, they sold the stamp in 1980 for $935,000. The name of the buyer was kept secret until 1986, when the stamp was placed on display at the Ameripex Stamp Show in Chicago under armed guard.
The stamp’s new owner was revealed to be John du Pont, a member of one of America’s most famous families and the heir to a massive chemical-industry fortune. Du Pont himself was not well known at the time. In fact, he avoided the limelight, preferring to spend his time with Team Foxcatcher, a wrestling squad that he sponsored and trained in suburban Philadelphia.
But du Pont’s private world came to an abrupt end in 1996 when he shot and killed Olympic wrestler David Schultz during an argument. The trial made headlines all over the world, and John du Pont—58 years old and the richest man ever to stand trial for murder—was convicted and sentenced to 30 years in a state hospital for the criminally insane.
MODERN MYSTERY
So where is the British Guiana 1¢ Magenta today? Du Pont’s fortune—an estimated $250 million—makes it unlikely that he had to sell the stamp to pay for his defense. What’s more likely is that the world’s rarest stamp is now sitting in a safety deposit box, bank vault, or wall safe somewhere in Pennsylvania.
But no one has ever announced its whereabouts…and the exact location of the world’s rarest stamp remains unknown.
Ronald Reagan once lost a movie role because he “didn’t have the presidential look.”
On July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong and Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin successfully landed the
Apollo 11
spacecraft on the moon. It was a triumph of science, humanity, and the United States. But what if Armstrong and Aldrin had ended up stranded in space…with no hope of return? President Richard Nixon’s speechwriter, William Safire, prepared this speech in the event of a worst-case scenario
.
F
ate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace.
These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice. These two men are laying down their lives in mankind’s most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding.
They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown.
In their exploration, they stirred the people of the world to feel as one; in their sacrifice, they bind more tightly the brotherhood of man.
In ancient days, men looked at stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood.
Others will follow, and surely find their way home. Man’s search will not be denied. But these men were the first, and they will remain the foremost in our hearts.
For every human being who looks up at the moon in the nights to come will know that there is some corner of another world that is forever mankind.
Makes sense: In ancient Egyptian, the word
Nile
means water.
Ever been in a gallery or museum and seen a piece that made you wonder, “Is this really art?” So have we. Is it art just because someone says it is? You be the judge
.
B
EGINNER’S LUCK
For its annual show in 1993, the Manchester (England) Academy of Fine Arts selected several watercolors. One was “Rhythm of the Trees,” which, the Academy said, contained a “certain quality of color balance, composition, and technical skill.” That earned it a place in the show…over 1,000 other entries. It turned out it was painted by Carly Johnson, a four-year-old girl who had randomly smudged paints on a sheet of paper. Her mother submitted it to the Academy competition as a joke.
PROVIDE YOUR OWN HEADLINE
In March 2001, the Custard Factory Arts Center in Birmingham, England, held a show by the art group Proto-Mu called “The Exhibition to Be Constructed in Your Head,” which featured 60 “pieces” by 28 artists. But it was really
nothing
. The 2,500 square foot hall was completely empty, its white walls bare, except for a few pieces of paper with written descriptions like “This painting is whatever is in your head right now.”
LORD OF THE RING
David Leslie, a performance artist who claims to like “to explore fear, danger, and pain,” held a show in a New York City theater in 1999 in which he put on boxing gloves and headgear, and challenged audience members to knock him out. Why? “It’ll be cool.” Leslie refused to fight back, he only defended himself, and nobody managed to knock him out. So he revived the performance annually…until 2002, when, finally, somebody knocked him out—former heavyweight boxing champion Gerry Cooney.
VEGE-TABLE
Chilean artist Alejandra Prieto makes furniture. But she doesn’t make it out of wood, metal, or fabric—she uses food. At her 2005 exhibit at the Die Ecke Gallery in Santiago, Chile, Prieto displayed her creations: a chair made of sausages, a chair made of fish skin and chocolate, and a sofa made of jam. She says she likes to use food as her medium “for the diversity of colors and textures and because it gives off a poetic vibe.”
Michelangelo signed only one of his sculptures—the
Pieta
.
DOWN THE DRAIN
In 2005 British activist and artist Mark McGowan created a performance art project called “The Running Tap.” He announced that he would turn on the cold water tap in the back room of a London gallery…and leave it running for one year. He estimated he’d waste about eight million gallons of water, at an expense of $23,000. Why? In order to highlight water waste. After a few weeks London’s water company shut off the gallery’s water service, causing the tap to stop running.
GERBILLUSTRATED
Sally Madge placed a gerbil in a cage with a 1933 edition of the
New Illustrated Universal Reference Book
. The gerbil gnawed and ate its way through the book, presumably to build a nest. After the book was chewed up, it was put on display in a Newcastle, England, art gallery and labeled “The Gerbil’s Guide to the Galaxy.” “I’m fascinated with the gerbil’s personal translation of the book,” Madge said. “And by how he chooses particular words and phrases to eat.”
LABOR DAY?
In a “live art exhibition,” a German woman named Ramune Gele gave birth to a baby—a girl named Audra—in the DNA Art Gallery in Berlin. Gele says she wanted to test the boundaries of art and society’s tolerance for the unusual. Winfried Witt, the baby’s father, called the birth “a gift to humanity.”
* * *
• Odds of being sued by the Recording Industry Association of America for illegally downloading music: 4,666 to 1.
• Odds of dying by falling out of bed: 4,745 to 1.
Peels
ner? In Eastern Africa you can buy beer brewed from bananas.
In the summer of 2004, temperatures in Japan hit record highs. The hot weather made ice cream soar in popularity, leading to the introduction of dozens of bizarre flavors. Here are some of our “favorites.”
Fried chicken
Cactus
Miso
Saury (a fish) and brandy
Octopus
Squid
Squid gut
Squid ink
Ox tongue
Potato
Lettuce-potato
Fried eggplant
Crab
Corn
Wasabi
Shrimp
Eel
Noodle
Red beans
Tulip
Mushroom
Horseflesh (with “meaty chunks”)
Goat
Whale
Shark fin and noodle
Oyster
Abalone
Seaweed
Seawater
Spinach
Garlic
Garlic mint
Sesame, soybean, and kelp
Wheat
Curdled bean
Silk
Stout
Red wine
Pepto-Bismol
Rice
Strawberry and basil
Pearl
Soy sauce
Viper
Indian curry
Salad (with vegetable chunks)
Charcoal
Chili pepper
Salt
Yams
Cypress wood
Cream cheese
Hot spring water
Vegetable broth
Bitter green tea
Pickled plum
Collagen and lemon
Tomato
Medicinal herbs
Most sparsely populated country in the world: Mongolia, with 4.7 people per square mile.
Uncle John’s Log—Stardate 90210. We have encountered a strange blue planet in the Terran system whose inhabitants have an almost fanatical devotion to a 40-year-old entertainment program. We’ve intercepted some of their transmissions and are trying to analyze them
.
T
HE WRATH OF LINLITHGOW
“USS
Enterprise
engineer Montgomery Scott may have described himself as an ‘Aberdeen pub crawler’ on
Star Trek
, but the widow of the actor who played the character claims that James Doohan believed Scotty would be born in Linlithgow.
“Although the city of Edinburgh has declared itself Scotty’s official future birthplace and the city of Aberdeen has announced plans to build a space park in his honor, Linlithgow is not giving up its claim. In an editorial in the
Evening News
, West Lothian councillor Willie Dunn stated, ‘I believe we have the best claim to support Linlithgow as the birthplace of Scotty and the place most worthy of a suitable memorial honouring his future birth.’
“Dunn cites the novel
Vulcan’s Glory
, in which original series scriptwriter D.C. Fontana said that the
Enterprise
’s corridors were as familiar to Scotty ‘as his mother’s house in Linlithgow, West Lothian, Scotland.’ He dismissed the Aberdeen claim, saying that while Scotty may have visited its pubs as an adult, there is no indication that he will be born there.”
A BRIDGE TOO FAR
“In 2003
News of the Weird
told the story of
Star Trek
fanatic Tony Alleyne, who was trying to sell his apartment in Leicestershire, England, for the equivalent of about $1.7 million, after having converted it to a finely detailed model of the Starship
Enterprise
(with transporter control, warp-core drive, voice-activated lighting and security, etc.). In 2006, weary of the lack of buyer interest, Alleyne filed for bankruptcy and moved to Plan B—to gut his
Enterprise
and redesign the place as the bridge of the
Voyager
(from the later
Star Trek
series), which he will offer at a lower price.”
—
The Times
(London)
Animals that give birth to live young are
viviparous
.
WHERE NO MAN HAS FLOWN BEFORE
“An amateur pilot was arrested for flying under Tower Bridge in London. When contacted by the air traffic controller he identified himself as Captain James T. Kirk of the starship
Enterprise
. When he was asked if he wanted to say anything on his own behalf before the judge passed sentence, he pretended his wallet was a
Star Trek
communicator, whistled, and said, ‘Beam me up, Scotty!’”
STAR TREKSKY
“A late-1960s Russian sci-fi TV show called
Kosmicheskaya Militsiya
translates as either
Space Police
or
Cosmic Militia
, though it is usually called
Cosmos Patrol
in English. You could say that it’s a lot like
Star Trek
, but it would be more accurate to call it a rip-off.