Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader (19 page)
Read Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Odds that a baby sea turtle will survive to adulthood: 1 in 1,000.
Want to win the lottery? Some words of caution: It ain’t always a “win.”
W
INNER:
Christina Goodenow of White City, Oregon
PRIZE:
$1 million
WHAT HAPPENED:
On October 12, 2005, Goode-now played the Oregon Lottery’s Million Dollar Jackpot Scratch-It game…and won. Two weeks later she was arrested. It turned out that she’d purchased the ticket with a stolen credit card—her deceased mother’s. Whether she gets to keep her million-dollar prize has yet to be determined by the court. (But here’s a good indication: a warrant for her arrest was issued after she failed to show up for her first court appearance.)
WINNER:
Johnny Rae Brewster of Dallas, Texas
PRIZE:
$13 million
WHAT HAPPENED:
Brewster won the Texas Lottery jackpot in 1995…and died 10 months later of a heart attack. His will stipulated that his sister get his lottery winnings, but she inherited something else: his $3.5 million tax bill. Under Texas law, the estate has to pay all taxes owed by the deceased in full immediately, even though Brewster’s annual lottery payments were only $460,000. Fortunately, the sister and the state struck a deal: she could pay $482,000 a year for 10 years, which meant she actually
lost
$12,000 a year because her brother won the lottery.
WINNER:
Michael Carroll of Norfolk, England
PRIZE:
£10 million (about $18 million)
WHAT HAPPENED:
In 2002 Carroll, a 19-year-old garbage collector, won the National Lottery prize. The
Telegraph
reported that he wouldn’t be celebrating at a pub—because the repeat offender was wearing a court-imposed electronic tag for a recent drunk-and-disorderly conviction. They also said he shouldn’t bother buying a new car—because his driving privileges had also been taken away. “Don’t tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor,” a police officer told the paper. Carroll went on to become known as “The Lottery Lout” after alienating his neighbors by holding demolition derbies at his home in the middle of the night. In 2004 he was ordered to take drug tests after being caught with cocaine, and ended up with a five-month jail term—for not showing up for the drug tests.
John Lennon recorded and produced under 15 different aliases.
WINNER:
William “Bud” Post III of Pennsylvania
PRIZE:
$16.2 million
WHAT HAPPENED:
In 1988 Post had less than $3 to his name. He pawned a ring for $40 and gave it to his landlady to buy some state lottery tickets. When he won, he went on a legendary spending spree: He bought a car lot, a restaurant, a mansion, and an airplane (which he didn’t know how to fly). Within a few years, his wife had left him, his brother was arrested for hiring a hit man to kill him, and Post himself was arrested for firing a shotgun over the head of a bill collector. On top of that, his landlady sued him, saying that he’d promised her half of the winnings. She was awarded a third, but Post didn’t have it—he’d spent it all. He had to sell his house, and in 1992 auctioned off his 17 remaining lottery payments ($500,000 a year) for $2.65 million. He then proceeded to lose that sum in a series of business blunders and finally declared bankruptcy and lived the rest of his life on a $450-a-month disability check. He died in 2006 at the age of 66, having said, “I was much happier when I was broke,” and adding that he was sorry he had ever won the “Lottery of Death.”
WINNER:
Jody Lee Taylor of Collinsville, Virginia
PRIZE:
$4.3 million
WHAT HAPPENED:
In 1992 Taylor won the Virginia Lottery. Three years later he was arrested after having set fire to his girlfriend’s Ford Thunderbird and firing 15 shots from a .45-caliber pistol into the floor of their double-wide trailer. He was sentenced to a year in jail. Then in 2003 Taylor was spotted driving a brand-new pickup truck down Route 58 on the wrong side of the road…with his lights off…while naked. He refused to stop for police and during the chase tried to run down a deputy. His father later told reporters that he wished his son had never bought the lottery ticket. “Out of 10,000 people, there might be one who could handle the money,” he said. “The rest, it’ll push them over the edge.”
Q: How many sides does a STOP sign have? A: Two…front and back.
Idioms are expressions whose meanings cannot be understood by literal translation—there’s nothing about “blow your top,” for example, that suggests it means “get angry.” Every language has them
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ANTOFFELKINO (Germany)
Translation:
“Slippers cinema”
Meaning:
Television
ECHARSE FLORES (Spain)
Translation:
“Throw flowers to yourself”
Meaning:
Toot your own horn; sing your own praises
AKI GA TATSU (Japan)
Translation:
“The autumn breeze begins to blow”
Meaning:
A passionate love affair is beginning to cool off
CAVOLI RISCALDATI (Italy)
Translation:
“Reheated cabbage”
Meaning:
An old love affair you’re trying to rekindle
AT HAVE TØMMERMAEND (Denmark)
Translation:
“To have carpenters (in your head)”
Meaning:
To have a hangover
THA FAS BOUKETO (Greece)
Translation:
“You’re going to eat a bunch of flowers”
Meaning:
I’m going to hit you in the face
IN BOCCA AL LUPO (Italy)
Translation:
“Into the mouth of the wolf”
Meaning:
Good luck!
ESPRIT DE L’ESCALIER (France)
Translation:
“The spirit of the staircase”
Meaning:
The clever comeback that you think of after it’s too late to do you any good; e.g., after you’ve left the room and are climbing the stairs. The Germans call it a
Treppenwitz
(“stair joke”).
The word
planet
is from the Greek word for wanderer. (They move while the stars remain still.)
FAR SECCO QUALCUNO (Italy)
Translation:
“To leave someone dry”
Meaning:
This is what it’s called when you’re lucky enough to think of your witty comeback in time to use it—your comment will leave the listener speechless.
OHRWURM (Germany)
Translation:
“Ear worm”
Meaning:
A song that you can’t get out of your head
KHALI KHUKWANI (KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa)
Translation:
“Make a noise in the pocket”
Meaning:
Cell phone
HANAGE O NUKU HANDY (Japan)
Translation:
“Pull the hair out of their nostrils”
Meaning:
Dupe someone; play them for a fool
GOYANG KAKI (Indonesia)
Translation:
“Swing your legs”
Meaning:
Do nothing while others work to solve your problems
PULIR HEBILLAS (Spain/Central America)
Translation:
“Polish belt buckles”
Meaning:
Dance very close to your partner
POSER UN LAPIN A QUELQU’UN (France)
Translation:
“Lay a rabbit on someone”
Meaning:
Stand someone up on a date
MUSTASUKKAINEN (Finland)
Translation:
“Wearing black socks”
Meaning:
Jealous
AVEN SOLEN HAR FLACKAR (Sweden)
Translation:
“Even the sun has spots”
Meaning:
Nobody’s perfect
TO PRO MNE SPANELSKA VESNICE (Czech Republic)
Translation:
“It’s all a Spanish village to me”
Meaning:
I don’t understand
Free time: 59% of American teenagers do volunteer work.
Flying can be scary. That’s why flight attendants and pilots sometimes try to add a little levity (get it?) to the experience. Here are some actual airplane announcements that readers have sent us
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REPARING FOR TAKEOFF
“As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their least comfortable positions.”
“There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways off this airplane.”
“Your seat cushions can be used as flotation devices. In the event of a water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
“To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”
“Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”
“We’d also like to remind you to turn off your cellular phones, computers, video games, or any other electronic device that may interfere with the captain’s pacemaker.”
IN-FLIGHT GUFFAWS FROM THE PILOT
“Mornin’, folks. As we leave Dallas, it’s warm and the sun is shining. Unfortunately, we’re going to New York, where it is cold and rainy. Why in the world y’all wanna go there I really don’t know.”
Most popular fruit worldwide: the mango.
“We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the business. Sadly, none of them are working this flight.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet, so I’m going to switch off the seat belt sign. Feel free to move about the cabin, but please try to stay inside the plane until we land.”
“Once again, I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I think I’ll switch to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with you for the rest of the flight.”
“Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination Day.”
“The weather in San Francisco is 61 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.”
LANDING AND DE-PLANING
After the plane touched down and was coming to a stop, the pilot’s voice came over the loudspeaker:
“Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
“Sorry about the rough landing, folks. I’d just like to assure you that it wasn’t the airline’s fault; it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault; nor was it the pilot’s fault. It was the asphalt.”
“We ask you to please remain seated while Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
“Thanks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us.”
“Last one off the plane has to clean it!”
A lightning bolt strikes so fast it could circle the globe eight times in a second.
Got your ears on, good buddy? CB radios—part cell phone, part automobile chat room—were VERY popular in the 1970s. Here’s a look at where they came from…and where they went
.
O
N THE AIR
In 1946, just after World War II, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) established the Citizens Radio Service Frequency Band, and set aside certain radio frequencies for public use by people using two-way radios. Anyone in the United States could use these frequencies—all they had to do was buy a radio that worked on the “citizens band,” then fill out an application and pay a nominal fee to get a license. The first CB licenses were issued in 1947.
CBs were popular with farmers, hunters, boaters, and people living in rural areas, where there was no phone service. Small businesses like construction companies and trucking firms used them too. In all, about a million people applied for licenses over the next 25 years…but they didn’t catch on with the general public. Most people had never even heard of them.
THE OIL CRISIS
Then, in October 1973, the Arab members of the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) imposed an oil boycott on the United States and countries in western Europe to retaliate against their support for Israel during the Yom Kippur War. And just to be sure they made their point, they also voted to sharply increase the price of crude oil. These two events caused widespread fuel shortages, as gasoline and diesel prices rose more than 400%. Americans panicked. No gas? No heating oil? The Nixon administration responded to the situation by imposing mandatory rationing and lowering the maximum speed limit to 55 mph, because cars consume less fuel at 55 than they do at higher speeds.
No one suffered more during the oil crisis than independent truckers. Their fuel costs skyrocketed and the new speed limit cut into their ability to pay for fuel by reducing the distances they could drive each day. In February 1974, they organized a nationwide strike that went on for 10 days. And during those 10 days they helped usher in what
Time
magazine called “the biggest explosion of communications since the invention of the telephone.”