Two Walls and a Roof (38 page)

By then it
’
s way past bedtime and we go on up to our room.  I soon realize we can’t lock the bloody door either. I have visions of old Kaner rushing in through our door at the first sound we make, saying
,
“I’ll have none of that auld carry
on in me house”. What’s more
,
she had reminded me of someone all night long, and then it dawned on me that she looked like an old witch. I could almost see her flying round the beds on her broomstick in the middle of the night
casting spells on us, s
o I knew I would not sleep a wink, and there was not even the remotest chance of any of her ‘ould carry
on stuff’ happening either.  We strip off for bed, and I ask Etta which bed she wants.  She chooses the one by the window and we get in the beds. I hear Kaner coming up the stairs and
snuggle under the clothes with visi
ons of her broomstick swishing past the door, or worse still
,
coming in through it.  After about an hour Etta whispers
,
“Are you asleep
?” How could I be asleep
with all the revelry going on in the street outside
? W
ith happy people having fun on the long
weekend, and us two stuck in a c
oven with a witch six feet from my
head
while I’m laying in a bed as cold as the grave
?
She says she is cold and will I swap beds. I agree and in crossing the floor I make a grab for her, just for the fun of it.  Etta lets out a laugh and leaps back
from me, falling on her bed which
flies across the floor
and
up against the wall
. It
makes such a racket that I have a vision of Kaner coming straight through the door right at that moment, so I leap into my bed
, which also bangs off the wall, b
ut she doesn’t arrive in and we both fall sleep fitfully
. M
aybe the Poteen did work after all.

At about six a.m.
I hea
r a car pulling up outside her c
oven, and the front door gets a few loud knocks
. T
hick Kerry accents were saying
,
“Mrs Kaner let us in, let us in will ya”.  I assume these were some revel
l
er
s who didn’t make her curfew
and she was sticking to her rules
, or else the p
oteen had worked.  Later still they are back again pleading
,
but still no entry is allowed. Then there are peals of laughter from the callers and all goes quiet once more after their car drove off. In the morning I knew why. We are having the dreaded stale cornflake breakfast as feared, and I know the gift had failed when Kaner tells me that my bike is leaking water. I jump up, a
s there was no water in my bike
but there was petrol, and I rush to the hallway not wanting a second bike conflagration. To my relief I found that the whole floor was covered in piss, not petrol
,
and then I knew why the peals of laughter took place
;
the revellers had all pissed in her letterbox in revenge.  We finish our breakfast and as we leave she says
,
“Well ye had a fine time last night didn’t ye, and be sure to return on yer honeymoon”
. Obviously the p
oteen didn’t work for all of the night.  I couldn’t believe it.  We had done nothing, and here is the old witch thinking we had sex all night long. I couldn’t win, but I was sure of one thing, we wouldn’t be going back to Kaner on our honeymoon or anytime else either.

The weekend’s disasters didn’t end there however
. I
t was then Sunday and we spent a lovely day just driving around Kerry on the bike.  It was gloriously sunny and we had such a good time that we decided to continue on to Killarney to see the car rally.  This was uneventful and we drove all around the lakes and saw the beautiful scenery. We didn’t notice the time passing until it was eleven o’clock at night
,
and then
with drunks and revellers every
where
,
we needed a place to stay once again, but none was to be had.  I again raged at Kyrle and swore more vengeance on him
,
and as a last resort we headed for the railway station.  I assumed it would be open and at least we would be in from the cold.  We drove up and snuck in
,
trying to
act inconspicuously, but we had
just got in when a big fight broke out b
etween a large amount of drunks
who had had the same idea as us.  We hurriedly left as the guards would be arriving
,
and even though it was freezing cold, a prison cell was not the ideal place to spend the night.  I knew of the car park at the Three Lakes Hotel.  It was somewhat sheltered on one side and we decided that was our spot.  We sat on a wall inside it and tried to keep warm by huddling together. This went on for hours,
but
we couldn’t sleep as I was certain we would freeze to death if we did sleep
. O
f course that was just innocence.  Eventually we decided to sleep in an open sports car and we were
just getting into it when the G
uards arrived and told us to get the hell out of it.  After an eternity
,
dawn broke and we saddled up and drove back to Cork. We crashed out on Etta’s single bed
,
and even though
it was a small bed
,
we were so tired that we would have slept on a stone that day
. A
nd so ended our terrible weekend.   On the Tuesday Kyrle had the cheek to ring me and ask how Bobo was doing
.
I was so mad I called him every name under the sun before slamming down the phone on him.  We naturally made it up later, but he probably thinks I have forgotten about the revenge
.
I have not. If he remembers though, it’s got to be the worst kind of terror for him, not knowing when it will happen and the right opportunity just has not presented itself as yet, but it will.

We dated for about five years and then began living together
,
which was almost unheard of in those days. I had no interest in marriage and was quite happy with life. By then I had been working with my good friend Larry Andersen for years and time just drifted along. Etta would vaguely mention marriage
,
but I saw no need of it and would never have got married. However
,
after five years it became too much for her
,
and with Christmas approaching and no sign of a ring
,
one evenin
g she just gave me an ultimatum:
get married or shag of
f.  During the row that erupted
she simply pointed out to me that while a man can go on living like we did indefinitely, a woman loses her looks and then has to start to find a man all over again. It became crystal clear to me that she was right and I saw that we seemed to be happy
,
so decided to get married.

On the day of the wedding I had made the mistake of letting Hayes convince me that he would be my chauffe
u
r
;
a mistake indeed
,
as he was always late for everything.  In typical form for Hayes, on my wedding day Kyrle
(
my best man
)
and I had to walk to his house about a mile away, as there was no sign of him getting up. Jerry’s mother had to drag him out of bed and then he managed to break all records getting us the
seven miles to Mallow and the c
hurch
,
but we were late as usual.

Etta
,
knowing him well, made sure that she would be ‘extra’ late
,
but we still arrived after her and that was a bad omen for the marriage. The day became totally mad, with family and friends just having a great time.
My father got totally drunk on p
oteen and that night he decided to have a row with the mother’s kitchen table. He said the table ‘had no clothes on’ and it was naked. Everyone fell around laughing because he was sitting in
his car seat chair in his night
shirt and nothing else. He looked like Ghandi on a bad day, and it was a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black.

I know that we went to Dublin on our honeymoon and Etta got the flu. After walking around Dublin all day and her getting worse, we went to a pharmacy and got tablets for the flu. The chemist warned us that they were strong and to take just two every four hours. I persuaded Etta to take four so that she would get better faster
,
and within minutes of taking them she conked out
,
sleeping for over twelve hours
. I
t’s a wonder she is still alive
, b
ut it cured her of the flu and so we began our turbulent married life.

The plan was to move to a little flat or apartment in Cork City
,
and this we did. I used to go to work in Mallow by train each morning and evening
,
and Etta worked in The Brothers of Charity home for retarded children.  Being an inveterate practical joker all my life, I saw no reason to stop because of marriage, and many a joke I played on poor Etta.  The worst or best of these jokes
(
depending on your point of view
)
was known to us all as the lizard incident.  We were living in our flat in Cork City at the time on the Lower Road.  This flat had paper thin walls and was not at all conducive to a tempestuous married couple.  Our neighbours on the ‘paper thin’ side were Mick and Mrs Grimes.  They were a lot older than us but were very nice people, keeping their distance, but being helpful if they could in a crisis.

Larry Andersen’s son Lawrence was also a joker
,
and one day he arrived to our workplac
e with a huge rubber lizard.  It
was the most lifelike creature I ever saw in my life.  He had a long
,
floppy jaw with red
,
bloody teeth and a real long tail.  He would tremble at the slightest movement and was truly frightening to look at.  I immediately saw potential for this monster and asked to borrow him.  Above us in the flat was a real old busy body called Mrs Franklen.  She knew everyone’s business and took pleasure in spreading the bad word always
. I
f it wasn’t bad enough
,
she
added her own version of things
and suitably embellished the whole event.  As I was travelling to and from work I had time to plan my lizard incident, but first I needed a test of its reality. The train journey was the obvious place to try out the lizard
’
s capabilities, and so I placed him on the seat beside me and pretended nothing.  Naturally he shook like a mad thing with the train’s motion, and even I began believing that he could be real.  I got such fun from seeing people on the train do a double take as they passed in the carriage. Their looks of shock and disbelief made me smile, as they thought they were seeing things.  One old woman actually attacked my lizard with her
walking stick, taking
a swipe at it in terror.  I had to rescue him from the beating saying he was a pet.  She said
,
“You’re a danger to society and I’m going to complain you”. I was delighted as I took him home in my bag; my lizard had passed the first test.

Our bedroom was located in the front section
of
the flat, and you had to pass through it to go into the living room and kitchen. This bedroom developed out of a modification I had earlier made to the flat. To give us extra space I put up a wall and painted the ceiling black.  I painted it black because I believed that it would make the ceiling appear lower and cosier. In fact it had the opposite effect, as after I finished it always appeared to be night there, and the room seemed more like a cave than a bedroom. There was war with the landlord when we left the place
. A
pparently it took them weeks to repaint the black ceiling and he threatened law, but we were gone and I didn’t give a damn at that stage.

When I arrived home I immediately placed the lizard on Etta’s side of the bed and covered him over with the bedclothes.  Now it was time for the story to begin, me figuring on a repeat of Lill’s snake incident.  I knew Etta would be getting the dinner ready and never had much time to look at the news on TV, so I started to tell her that I was late because of all the activity down the road.  When she asked what was going on, I slowly and nonchalantly told her that a really dangerous pair of green African Mamba lizards had escaped on their way to the Fota Wildlife Park due to a car accident. I thought the ‘Mamba’ word would signify danger for her, and it did. She was biting nicely at this news when I added that they had only caught one of them and were still looking for the other one.  The road to Fota Wildlife Park passed right outside our front door. Then I dropped the subject completely for about half an hour.  This was really working well
. S
oon she asks me to describe the lizard and I do a brilliant job of it, since he is sitting in her bed only ten feet away from us.  After my detailed description she became really scared and was afra
id to go out for her cigarettes, s
o I volunteer to go
,
warning her to quickly lock the door in case he should run in for ‘the heat’.  While I am out
,
Mrs Jennings arrives for a chat and Etta tells her the whole story, unknown to me.  She tells it so well that by then Mrs Jennings is also scared, and she rushes off to her own rooms to tell her husband Mick all about the lizard.  When I came back in
,
Etta wants to know if all is safe and I pretend it is, with me doing a real bad job of it. This so
-
called lying frightened her all the more. By then she wants me to completely check our flat.  It was becoming an exact repeat of Lill
’
s snake days, as she was then too scared to go to bed.  So I do the checking.  I make a big play of searching under and over and all around the bedroom and pronounce it all safe.  Etta starts to ask what should be done if you’re bitten and was it really that dangerous, and again I’m in like a flash with the bad news.  I tell her that a lizard first trembl
es his tail like a rattle snake
just before striking, then he spits poison and blinds you like the King Cobra snake does
. W
hile this is happening he goes for the throat with a sharp bite.  A really agonizing death would usually follow soon after a bite, but again I advise her that he is not in our flat, and that we are near a h
ospital with an antidote,
if they have one of course, but that’s unlikely it being a ‘Mamba lizard’. I know she has no idea about snakes or lizards
,
so I can lay it on thick and I’m loving it all.