Two Roads (23 page)

Before I know what’s happening, he reaches out and gently holds my wrists. He pulls me up with him so slowly and carefully that I don’t think about anything but his skin touching my skin, his eyes trained on my eyes. Then, once we’re eyelevel with each other, he draws me in closer to him than ever before. All of the heat from his body wraps around me then. His lips are just a millimeter from my lips, and I feel his legs touching mine, his stomach touching my stomach, his chest touching my chest. We’re so close together that all of the air is sucked out of the roof, that there is nothing here but him and his jaw, shifting closer to my lips, so near and so tempting. I want more than anything to kiss him then, to press my lips to his and let everything else happen. I think he does, too, because I feel his body tense up, and so does mine. My hand quivers at my side, and I just keep looking into his eyes, inching closer and closer and closer. There is nothing but Logan anymore. Just his eyes, his lips, his warmth, his everything tangled with my everything. I know I’m on that dangerous line, that dangerous line that I want to cross right now more than anything else in the world.

So I just stand there with him, our lips millimeters apart, forcing myself to breathe, to think, to focus on anything but him.

Finally, he speaks. His voice is so quiet I can barely hear it, can barely distinguish it from the feelings coursing between us right now. He whispers, “I’m going to tell you something,” and I just relax at his words. Logan still looks as deadly serious as before, but the confusion in his features is gone. He watches me with such intensity that I know he’s made up his mind about something, about something huge. “I’m going to tell you something,” he whispers, eyes on mine, lips hovering by my lips, “and I want you to really listen. Just… hear what I think and answer with your heart. You can say yes or no, but you better believe that I’m not going to stop feeling like this… to you. Do you understand?” he whispers, his voice more serious than I’ve ever heard it, all meaningful and honest and heart-wrenching.

I nod without thinking. It’s a weak nod, slow and confused, but the point comes across.

Logan gives me a sad smile. Me, pressed up against him and wanting to be nowhere else. Me, with all these feelings for him I can’t make sense of, don’t want to make sense of. Me, knowing what I want.

Then he leans into me, grazes his nose to mine, and suddenly I know what he’s going to say. A tear starts glistening in my eyes, and we’re just standing there, on the roof where my brother killed himself, our bodies touching, and I’m trying not to cry.

“Cali Monroe,” he finally whispers, pressing his nose to my nose. His body moves closer and closer to me with each word he speaks. I feel my knees buckle, my heart quicken, my senses go on high alert. I notice each curl of his smile, each shift of his jaw. I notice how his eyes look like they’re going to shatter and freeze all at once, how I can feel the steady pounding of his heart now that I’m touching him, how his eyelashes brush up and down and up and down. I stiffen up and every muscle in my body follows suit as he whispers, “I love you. I love you more than anything in the world, Cali. I love you like in ‘I carry your heart with me,’ with the purest love in the world. My love for you can keep the stars apart, can take seeds of the tree of life, can do more wonders than I will ever know. I love you with every part of me, and I need you because I love you. That’s why I’ve been… like this… this confused… because I love you, I love you and I didn’t know how to say it until now. And no matter what, I know with every fiber of my being that I will carry your heart with me, because I will never stop loving you, Cali. Never.”

He stops then, his voice filling the small void between us, ringing throughout my ears and seeping into my being. I don’t even know what to do, what to say, but I know that my brain is on high alert and my heart keeps tugging and tugging, getting me to speak the truth, to tell him what I really feel.

But I can’t.

I can’t ever.

I just watch him, my eyes glistening with tears, pressing my nose closer and closer to his so that our lips are practically touching and it takes all of my willpower not to shift them that one millimeter so that I am kissing Logan Waters.

I keep looking into Logan’s eyes and I’m trembling all over because I don’t know what to say, what to feel, what to do. All I know is that I can’t do it, can’t love him, even if I already do.

“Logan, I can’t--” I whisper, my voice breaking. I want to cry, I want him to kiss this all away, to wrap me up in his arms and never, ever let go.

“It’s okay, Cali,” he whispers, touching his hand to my cheek. His touch is so warm and comforting, and the last thing I want right now is for him to pull away. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

“No.” I shake my head. “No it isn’t. I do-- but I can’t--” My voice cracks, and now real tears slip out of my eyes for the billionth fucking time today, running down my face, my cheek, and falling off somewhere below. I don’t have the words to talk to him, to express the gravity of what I feel for him, to make sense of any of this, so like an idiot, I. say. nothing.

“Do you love me, Cali?” Logan finally whispers, his gaze as strong as ever.

“Logan, I--” I start to say.

“Do you?” His voice is softer than ever.

I hesitate, not knowing what to say, what to do, but with him next to me, with his lips practically touching mine, I know home with Logan Waters is the only thing I need. “I can’t,” I finally force out.

Logan just watches me for a long while, holding me tight, shifting his nose against my nose so that I swear he’s going to kiss me at any second. He doesn’t, though, to my disappointment. He just keeps watching, waiting, wanting to know the answer to the same question I think my subconscious has been asking me every minute of every day for these past six months: do I love him?

I know the answer, but I can’t do it, can’t admit it to him, and I don’t know why but I just can’t.

“There are two roads in front of you, Cali,” he says quietly, and we cling to each other for what feels like dear life. “The first is for you to do the common thing and stand here and tell yourself you’re going to screw something up between us without ever taking the chance. You can just keep telling yourself that you can’t do it, that you can’t mess something up like you supposedly did for Ben, when really there is no way you can mess us up because I already love you too much. Or instead, you can choose the other option and you can stop moping and do something about it. You can be honest with your parents and follow your dreams and embrace your inner poet and people will accept you for you. And then? And then you can stop pretending like I’m just some object for you to torture and you can kiss me, Cali.” He slows, dropping his gaze to meet my eyes, those long lashes batting slowly back and forth. “You can kiss me,” he whispers again.

My breath catches. For the longest time, I just stand there, frozen in place, too shocked that he said it flat out but also unable to resist the truth in his words. My heart skitters in my chest and I want to run away and scream and hide and combust and be anywhere but here all at once, but I can’t. look. away. from him.

Finally, I tilt my head up to meet his gaze, hovering my mouth millimeters away from his face. I see the muscles working in his jaw, clenching and tightening and unclenching all over again, see the hope in his features, the longing, the desire. I feel his breath next to mine, his warm lips almost touching my skin. And then I see his eyes, blue and vibrant, so sure and so ready and so freaking inviting. And then, just like that, I know what to do.

Without a moment’s hesitation, I press my body to his and I whisper, “Kiss me, Logan.”

And he does. And our lips lock and his taste like mint and hot chocolate and feel like a million tiny explosions of color and a deep, aching desire months in the making. I stop caring when I press my lips to his, wrap my arms around his body and let the feelings take me away. I stop caring when his hands slide down my leg, his warmth and his muscle and his everything touches mine, and I let our bodies do the rest. I stop caring because I’ve made my decision, I’ve made my choice, and finally, finally, I know where my life is headed.

I choose the road less traveled by.

And it has made all the difference.

~

Him.

His lips.

His touch.

His smile.

His laugh.

His everything.

That’s all she has ever wanted.

~

I kiss
Logan Waters with the passion of a million suns. I kiss him with every last breath I have. I kiss him like kissing him is the only way to stay alive, like if I stop kissing him the world will end and my heart will shatter for real. His lips move against mine with such urgency, such tenderness and rawness mixed together that I can’t feel anything but him, him, him. I love him and I can’t find the words to say it, so I just wrap my arms around his neck and let all of the desire loose. I kiss and kiss him until everything else around us melts away. And I know that the passion, the heat that is ripping through me right now can’t change that. Logan’s hands touch my cheek, press his body against mine. I feel his steady breath on my lips, his heart beating with my heart, his hands running, so gently, along my skin.

Geek boy Logan Waters is kissing me on the roof where my brother died, and it is the most right thing in the world.

He kisses me like I matter, like I am worth something, like I am his and he is mine and that’s all that is important. Sparks fly as our lips lock, and I feel the heating creeping in my body, the steady beating of my heart. I don’t think I can ever let go when he pulls back, and we just stare at each other for the longest time, gasping for breath, our minds trying to process what just happened.

And then something insane happens.

Logan takes his hands off of my cheek and slips them down my back. I think he’s going to start ripping off my clothes right here and now as it finds its place on my thigh, but he doesn’t. I feel the desire coursing through me as he wraps his arms around my legs and pulls me up with surprising strength, bringing me into his arms. I gasp but I can’t take my eyes off of his, can’t stop wanting to move myself closer, closer, closer. My lips and my whole body are on fire from his touch, so I just force myself to take one breath, two breaths, to wait until everything else disappears.

“Are you ready?” Logan whispers, looking at me with such intensity and I don’t even need to answer because I just nod, knowing that yes I am fucking ready with more certainty than anything else in the world.

And then he smiles, and I smile, and I kiss him as he carries me off the roof and into my old bedroom. I kiss him as he kicks the door shut behind us, leaving me to stare at the smiling pictures of him and me and Ben from years ago that cover my room walls. I kiss him and kiss him, and he kisses back, and I feel each of his muscles work so exquisitely well as he lays me ever so gently on my bed. He’s standing over me now, and I have to gasp for breath, to force myself to take my gaze off of his, and I can’t stop smiling no matter how hard I try.

I love him, and I guess I always have.

I love him.

I love Logan Waters.

And that, I realize, is why I’ve never liked other boys: because the one I really wanted, the one I really loved, had already stolen my heart. And he was here in front of me the whole time.

I want to scream it from the rooftops, run around the hotel and tell everyone all about this awesomely nerdy boy who is standing over my bed. I want to tell everyone in the world, but I don’t have to, because right then I know with such striking certainty that Logan is my world, and telling him is all I need.

“I love you,” I whisper. Everything else seems to shut down but Logan, everything else from the fan spinning overhead to the particular discomfort of this bed--it all melts away. When I look into his eyes, Logan is all I see, all I will ever see.

“I know,” he says. He just stands above me, looking down, and all I want to do is bring him here on the bed with me.

For one painfully long instant, I listen to the sound of the air conditioning above me, feel the heat creeping into my skin. The room is all dark, dark, dark, so that I can only see the outline of Logan’s smile, the ripple of muscle along his arm. I hate that he’s still wearing clothes.

I take a deep breath, my heart pounding in the best way possible because I know I want this, know I’ve always wanted this. “I’m ready,” I whisper.

Logan does not move right away. Does not betray even the slightest emotion. “Then do it,” he says, his gaze intense on mine, his words so quiet I find myself wondering if I’m actually hearing right. He steps forward, leans on the bed beside me. My heart rate speeds up, and I don’t even have to think, because I know what to do. I keep my eyes trained on his as I slip off my shirt, then my jeans. As soon as I push my shirt and pants off of my bed, my body tingles. I’m still wearing a small bra and panties, but beneath Logan’s gaze, I feel totally naked.

His jaw tightens as he lays eyes on me and I feel my stomach clench and unclench, my hands trembling at my side, the deep desire sweeping through me and no matter what I do, what I try, I can’t look away from him. I can almost feel the tension in the air, the gentle sweep of breeze through the crack in the window, which feels so hot despite my sore lacking in clothes.

Finally, Logan moves his hand down to his shirt, clenches the hem, and pulls up. I watch, unable to look away, as that same lean muscle is revealed. He pulls his shirt over his head, fabric brushing against his skin, and now Logan Waters--dark tousled hair, kissable lips, boy-I-love Logan Waters--is standing over me with no shirt and a gaze full of desire.

And just like that, he leans over me ever so slowly. I feel mesmerized by his movements, the slow arc of his back, the tightening in his bicep, the intense concentration in the way his forehead is creased. My breaths come in slow rises as I lie there on the bed and he stalks over me, his body hovering just above mine, looking down at my eyes. No part of him is touching me but with all of the heat flowing out of his body and the closeness of his mouth to my mouth, he might as well be. He stays there for a minute, just him looking down at me and me up at him. My whole body is on fire and from what I feel, so is his. I watch the gentle curve of his chest, the muscles rippling down his stomach. I force myself to breathe, to focus, and then suddenly I can’t stop myself. I reach out a trembling hand and touch him.

Logan doesn’t even flinch as I press my hand to his bare stomach, and all I feel is his heat and the hardness of abs and the electricity that his touch gives me. More tingling rips through me, and I gasp, because Logan feels so good, too good, and he’s hovering over me right now. The key to everything, the moment I’ve always dreamed of, is right in front of me, and I can take it any second, can take
him
at any second.

So I choose now.

Before I know what’s going on, I press my lips to Logan’s, and he presses his right back as if he’s been waiting for me to do that all along.

I wrap my arms around his back and pull him down on top of me, so that his bare stomach presses against mine, his legs on my legs, his lips on my lips. My whole body is on high alert with Logan against me, and I can’t even think anymore because I feel the hormones coming in and all I want is Logan Logan Logan. I kiss him fiercely, with a need I’ve never felt before, and my lips seem to be on fire but it feels so good that I can’t stop, I won’t stop. My hands slip down his stomach to the top of his pants, and I fumble with the buckle, the denim, the warmth that comes from his legs. I keep kissing him and he kisses me back with a shocking intensity, and I feel him press closer and closer against my body as I finally get his jeans loose and pull them right off. Something warm and hard presses against my thigh almost immediately, and I feel the craving, the need race through me.

His hand slips along my chest, working effortlessly down to my leg, my thigh, until it finally stops at my panties. He wasn’t kidding when he said he knew these moves. I moan as he takes them off ever so gently, tracing his fingers along my inner thigh.

The rest happens so fast. He gently turns me over in bed so that I am sprawled on top of him, feeling the warmth from his body, a certain hardness pressing against my leg. I gasp for breath, moan, shake and tense, love every second of it as his expert hands unhook my bra, and I return the favor and slip off his boxers, feeling my whole body wanting more. I moan some more as the boxers come off and he presses against me, fumbling to put a condom on, stark naked in the best way possible.

“Are you sure you’re ready, Cali?” he whispers between deep gasps, kissing me and kissing me and kissing me until my whole body goes numb.

I feel the heat rip through me all over again as his erection presses against my inner thigh, and everything is possible all of a sudden, everything I’ve ever imagined, and all it takes is one word to make it come true.

So I lock eyes with Logan Waters, clear blue and intense as ever, feeling his body working beneath me, his breath on my lips, his legs on my legs, and I say the only thing I can think to say:

“Yes.”