Twilight 4 - Breaking dawn (31 page)

Leah didn’t push herself past me, though she could have now. I was paying more attention to each new scent than I was to the speed contest. She kept to my right side, running with me rather than racing against me.

We’re getting pretty far out here,
she commented.
Yeah. If Sam was hunting strays, we should have crossed his trail by now.

Makes more sense right now for him to bunker down in La Push,
Leah thought.
He knows we’re giving the bloodsuckers three extra sets of eyes and legs. He’s not going to be able to surprise them.

This was just a precaution, really.
Wouldn’t want our precious parasites taking unnecessary chances.
Nope,
I agreed, ignoring the sarcasm.
You’ve changed so much, Jacob. Talk about one-eighties.
You’re not exactly the same Leah I’ve always known and loved, either.
True. Am I less annoying than Paul now?
Amazingly… yes.
Ah, sweet success.
Congrats.

We ran in silence again then. It was probably time to turn around, but neither of us wanted to. It felt nice to run like this. We’d been staring at the same small circle of a trail for too long. It felt good to stretch our muscles and take the rugged terrain. We weren’t in a huge hurry, so I thought maybe we should hunt on the way back. Leah was pretty hungry.

Yum, yum,
she thought sourly.
It’s all in your head,
I told her.
That’s the way wolves eat. It’s natural. It tastes fine. If you didn’t think about it from a human perspective—
Forget the pep talk, Jacob. I’ll hunt. I don’t have to like it.
Sure, sure,
I agreed easily. It wasn’t my business if she wanted to make things harder for herself.
She didn’t add anything for a few minutes; I started thinking about turning back.
Thank you,
Leah suddenly told me in a much different tone.
For?
For letting me be. For letting me stay. You’ve been nicer than I had any right to expect, Jacob.
Er, no problem. Actually, I mean that. I don’t mind having you here like I thought I would.
She snorted, but it was a playful sound.
What a glowing commendation!
Don’t let it go to your head.

Okay—if you don’t let this go to yours.
She paused for a second.
I think you make a good Alpha. Not in the same way Sam does, but in your own way. You’re worth following, Jacob.

My mind went blank with surprise. It took me a second to recover enough to respond.
Er, thanks. Not totally sure I’ll be able to stop that one from going to my head, though. Where did that come from?

She didn’t answer right away, and I followed the wordless direction of her thoughts. She was thinking about the future—about what I’d said to Jared the other morning. About how the time would be up soon, and then I’d go back to the forest. About how I’d promised that she and Seth would return to the pack when the Cullens were gone. . . .

I want to stay with you,
she told me.
The shock shot through my legs, locking my joints. She blew past me and then put on the brakes. Slowly, she walked back to where I was frozen in place.

I won’t be a pain, I swear. I won’t follow you around. You can go wherever you want, and I’ll go where I want. You’ll only have to put up with me when we’re both wolves.
She paced back and forth in front of me, swishing her long gray tail nervously.
And, as I’m planning on quitting as soon as I can manage it… maybe that won’t be so often.

I didn’t know what to say.
I’m happier now, as a part of your pack, than I have been in years.
I want to stay, too,
Seth thought quietly. I hadn’t realized he’d been paying much attention to us as he ran the perimeter.
I like this pack.

Hey, now! Seth, this isn’t going to be a pack much longer.
I tried to put my thoughts together so they would convince him.
We’ve got a purpose now, but when… after that’s over, I’m just going to go wolf. Seth, you need a purpose. You’re a good kid. You’re the kind of person who always has a crusade. And there’s no way you’re leaving La Push now. You’re going to graduate from high school and do something with your life. You’re going to take care of Sue. My issues are not going to mess up your future.

But—
Jacob is right,
Leah seconded.
You’re agreeing with me?

Of course. But none of that applies to
me
. I was on my way out, anyway. I’ll get a job somewhere away from La Push. Maybe take some courses at a community college. Get into yoga and meditation to work on my temper issues.… And stay a part of this pack for the sake of my mental well-being. Jacob—you can see how that makes sense, right? I won’t bother you, you won’t bother me, everyone is happy.

I turned back and started loping slowly toward the west.
This is a bit much to deal with, Leah. Let me think about it, ’kay?
Sure. Take your time.

It took us longer to make the run back. I wasn’t trying for speed. I was just trying to concentrate enough that I wouldn’t plow headfirst into a tree. Seth was grumbling a little bit in the back of my head, but I was able to ignore him. He knew I was right. He wasn’t going to abandon his mom. He would go back to La Push and protect the tribe like he should.

But I couldn’t see Leah doing that. And that was just plain scary.

A pack of the two of us? No matter the physical distance, I couldn’t imagine the… the
intimacy
of that situation. I wondered if she’d really thought it through, or if she was just desperate to stay free.
Leah didn’t say anything as I chewed it over. It was like she was trying to prove how easy it would be if it was just us.

We ran into a herd of black-tailed deer just as the sun was coming up, brightening the clouds a little bit behind us. Leah sighed internally but didn’t hesitate. Her lunge was clean and efficient—graceful, even. She took down the largest one, the buck, before the startled animal fully understood the danger.

Not to be outdone, I swooped down on the next largest deer, snapping her neck between my jaws quickly, so she wouldn’t feel unnecessary pain. I could feel Leah’s disgust warring with her hunger, and I tried to make it easier for her by letting the wolf in me have my head. I’d lived all-wolf for long enough that I knew how to be the animal completely, to see his way and think his way. I let the practical instincts take over, letting her feel that, too. She hesitated for a second, but then, tentatively, she seemed to reach out with her mind and try to see my way. It felt very strange—our minds were more closely linked than they had ever been before, because we both were
trying
to think together.

Strange, but it helped her. Her teeth cut through the fur and skin of her kill’s shoulder, tearing away a thick slab of streaming flesh. Rather than wince away as her human thoughts wanted to, she let her wolf-self react instinctively. It was kind of a numbing thing, a thoughtless thing. It let her eat in peace.

It was easy for me to do the same. And I was glad I hadn’t forgotten this. This would be my life again soon.

Was Leah going to be a part of that life? A week ago, I would’ve found that idea beyond horrifying. I wouldn’t’ve been able to stand it. But I knew her better now. And, relieved from the constant pain, she wasn’t the same wolf. Not the same girl.

We ate together until we both were full.

Thanks,
she told me later as she was cleaning her muzzle and paws against the wet grass. I didn’t bother; it had just started to drizzle and we had to swim the river again on our way back. I’d get clean enough.
That wasn’t so bad, thinking your way.

You’re welcome.
Seth was dragging when we hit the perimeter. I told him to get some sleep; Leah and I would take over the patrol. Seth’s mind faded into unconsciousness just seconds later.
You headed back to the bloodsuckers?
Leah asked.
Maybe.
It’s hard for you to be there, but hard to stay away, too. I know how that feels.

You know, Leah, you might want to think a little bit about the future, about what you really want to do. My head is not going to be the happiest place on earth. And you’ll have to suffer right along with me.
She thought about how to answer me.
Wow, this is going to sound bad. But, honestly, it will be easier to deal with your pain than face mine.

Fair enough.

I know it’s going to be bad for you, Jacob. I understand that—maybe better than you think. I don’t like her, but… she’s your Sam. She’s everything you want and everything you can’t have.

I couldn’t answer.

I know it’s worse for you. At least Sam is happy. At least he’s alive and well. I love him enough that I want that. I want him to have what’s best for him.
She sighed.
I just don’t want to stick around to watch.

Do we need to talk about this?

I think we do. Because I want you to know that I won’t make it worse for you. Hell, maybe I’ll even help. I wasn’t
born
a compassionless shrew. I used to be sort of nice, you know.

My memory doesn’t go that far back.
We both laughed once.
I’m sorry about this, Jacob. I’m sorry you’re in pain. I’m sorry it’s getting worse and not better.
Thanks, Leah.

She thought about the things that were worse, the black pictures in my head, while I tried to tune her out without much success. She was able to look at them with some distance, some perspective, and I had to admit that this was helpful. I could imagine that maybe I would be able to see it that way, too, in a few years.

She saw the funny side of the daily irritations that came from hanging out around vampires. She liked my ragging on Rosalie, chuckling internally and even running through a few blonde jokes in her mind that I might be able to work in. But then her thoughts turned serious, lingering on Rosalie’s face in a way that confused me.

You know what’s crazy?
she asked.
Well, almost everything is crazy right now. But what do you mean?
That blond vampire you hate so much—I totally get her perspective.

For a second I thought she was making a joke that was in very poor taste. And then, when I realized she was serious, the fury that ripped through me was hard to control. It was a good thing we’d spread out to run our watch. If she’d been within
biting
distance…

Hold up! Let me explain!
Don’t want to hear it. I’m outta here.
Wait! Wait!
she pleaded as I tried to calm myself enough to phase back.
C’mon, Jake!
Leah, this isn’t really the best way to convince me that I want to spend more time with you in the future.
Yeesh! What an overreaction. You don’t even know what I’m talking about.
So what
are
you talking about?
And then she was suddenly the pain-hardened Leah from before.
I’m talking about being a genetic dead end, Jacob.
The vicious edge to her words left me floundering. I hadn’t expected to have my anger trumped.
I don’t understand.

You
would
, if you weren’t just like the rest of them. If my “female stuff”
—she thought the words with a hard, sarcastic tone—
didn’t send you running for cover just like any stupid male, so you could actually pay attention to what it all means.

Oh.

Yeah, so none of us like to think about that stuff with her. Who would? Of course I remembered Leah’s panic that first month after she joined the pack—and I remembered cringing away from it just like everyone else. Because she couldn’t be
pregnant
—not unless there was some really freaky religious immaculate crap going on. She hadn’t been with anyone since Sam. And then, when the weeks dragged on and nothing turned into more nothing, she’d realized that her body wasn’t following the normal patterns anymore. The horror—what
was
she now? Had her body changed because she’d become a werewolf? Or had she become a werewolf because her body was
wrong
? The only female werewolf in the history of forever. Was that because she wasn’t as female as she should be?

None of us had wanted to deal with that breakdown. Obviously, it wasn’t like we could
empathize
.
You know why Sam thinks we imprint,
she thought, calmer now.
Sure. To carry on the line.

Right. To make a bunch of new little werewolves. Survival of the species, genetic override. You’re drawn to the person who gives you the best chance to pass on the wolf gene.

I waited for her to tell me where she was going with this.
If I was any good for that, Sam would have been drawn to
me
.
Her pain was enough that I broke stride under it.

But I’m not. There’s something wrong with me. I don’t have the ability to pass on the gene, apparently, despite my stellar bloodlines. So I become a freak—the girlie-wolf— good for nothing else. I’m a genetic dead end and we both know it.

We do not, I argued with her.
That’s just Sam’s theory. Imprinting happens, but we don’t know why. Billy thinks it’s something else.

I know, I know. He thinks you’re imprinting to make
stronger
wolves. Because you and Sam are such humongous monsters—bigger than our fathers. But either way, I’m still not a candidate. I’m… I’m menopausal. I’m twenty years old and I’m menopausal.

Ugh. I
so
didn’t want to have this conversation.
You don’t know that, Leah. It’s probably just the whole frozen-in-time thing. When you quit your wolf and start getting older again, I’m sure things will… er… pick right back up.