Twelve Days (36 page)

"Is it so bad to want me? To want to be with me?" she asked. "I'm still your wife."

"No. I just... I wonder how long this is going to last, Rachel. Any of this. I told you I can't go back to the way things were before."

"Neither can I."

"I'm afraid of what's going to happen to us when the kids go."

"So am I," she said. "But we never had any guarantees to start with about how things were going to turn out, Sam. We just thought we did. And now we've both seen what it would be like to lose each other. I don't want to lose you."

"And I don't want to give you up," he said.

"I'll never ask you to," she said. "Never."

And then finally, his mouth came down to hers, and he kissed her deeply, needily. She felt every bit of the frustration in him, frustration over the events of the day, the uncertainties that plagued them both in the night.

She felt as if she were in the middle of a storm, a roaring, swirling storm. It felt dangerous and like it had the potential to blow them both away. But they clung to each other, were bound together and determined to ride this out.

He stripped her efficiently and quickly, and then he was devouring her body, fighting against what was inside of him and everything that was between them. She knew all his frustrations and fears, and she wanted him desperately.

It was a greedy, breath-robbing journey, and her hands, her mouth, were every bit as busy as his. They couldn't get close enough quickly enough. He couldn't get deep enough inside of her, and she couldn't draw in air quickly enough or in sufficient quantities to stop her head from spinning.

Her back arched and her legs parted, and she rocked against him, trying to draw him in even deeper. He moved with such strength, such need, ruthlessly pushing her up and over the edge. She dug her nails into his back and cried out his name, dizzy from the heights to which he'd taken her, all the while conscious of the fact that having taken her so high, she now had to come back down to earth.

If they'd both been trying to outrun this thing, the sorrow, the anger, they'd succeeded but only temporarily. It was right there waiting for them in the end.

Sam buried his face in the side of her neck, and lay heavily on top of her, laboring for each breath, and she was trembling once again, every bit as hard as before. She still had a grip on him. She was afraid she would leave marks on him, and even knowing that, had a hard time loosening her hands.

He kissed her cheek, nuzzled the tip of his nose against her, and then kissed her mouth, still needing something she wished she could provide. She knew what he wanted, what he needed. Oblivion and a place to hide from the pain, and she would give it to him, if she could. She would offer whatever comfort he could find in her arms.

"Did I hurt you?" he said warily.

"No."

"I was rough with you," he said grimly, and he never, ever was. He was considerate and patient and always conscious of her needs, her pleasure.

"I was rough with you, too," she said. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, Rachel."

"Don't worry about it. We needed each other. That's all."

"It scares me sometimes how much I need you."

"I need you every bit as much, Sam. I have the whole time. I was just afraid to let you close enough for me to see that, because I think I didn't want to love anyone else for a while, not even you. I was so sure I was going to get hurt again."

He bent his head and kissed her once more, slowly, softly. Still breathing heavily, he rolled off of her, and she followed him, until they ended up on their sides facing each other. She touched him lightly on the cheek and found it damp, his eyelashes, too. The corners of his eyes.

"Loving them wasn't a mistake," she insisted.

"I know." He touched his forehead to hers, stared down at her. "But I didn't want you to be hurt anymore."

"How do you ever ensure that? By not caring for anyone anymore? I tried that. We both know it didn't work. It failed miserably, and I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm still afraid, but I'm not going to let that fear rule my life. I love these kids. I love you. I'll accept whatever risks come with that because I can't stop myself from loving any of you."

"It's going to hurt both of us in the end," he said.

"And we've been hurt before. We're still here. It hasn't destroyed us. This won't, either."

His doubts might. The memories of what they'd become, what he feared they'd become again. But there was nothing left to say to convince him to take one more chance on her, one more leap of faith. It was up to him and the whims of the world now. She'd done all she could. She would survive, no matter what happened. Older and wiser and stronger, she would survive. Please, God, she thought, don't let her have to do it without him.

Chapter 19

They were sitting down to lunch the first day after Christmas when Miriam called and said Annie Greene wanted to speak to Sam and Rachel again. She came over and stayed with the kids, and they made the two-hour drive in a strained silence.

Sam held on to Rachel's hand as they walked into the ICU to find Annie asleep. Rachel sat in a chair beside the bed and Sam stood behind her, his hands on her shoulders, rubbing slightly at the tension there. She leaned back against him thinking that everything she had was on the line now.

Annie stirred in her bed and moaned. Her eyes opened slowly and seemed to have trouble focusing at first, and then she gave Rachel a weary smile. "You came."

"Of course," Rachel said. "What can we do for you?"

"A favor... An enormous favor," she said slowly, as if each word cost her a tremendous effort that was nearly beyond her at the moment. "I wanted to try to explain. I want you to know... I love my children..."

"Of course," Rachel said. She believed it.

"I never meant for it to end this way... I..." Her breathing grew more labored. There was a monitor measuring her heartbeat, and it was speeding up, even as she spoke. "I should have done more... Protected them... Taken better care of them..."

"They're fine," Rachel said. "Honestly, they are. They're wonderful, and they have absolute faith in you. They knew you'd never willingly leave them all by themselves. They've been telling us all along that you'd be back."

"I..." She gasped.

The beeping of the monitor was starting to really scare Rachel. Sam was reaching for the call button to summon a nurse when one walked in, going straight to the monitor and then to Annie.

"I was afraid this would happen. Annie, you can't do this to yourself."

"Tell them," Annie said, catching the nurse's hand. "Tell them for me."

"Of course." The nurse smiled back at them. "You're the ones taking care of her children?"

"Yes," Sam said. "What's going on?"

"I've been with her most of the day, and we've talked a good bit in bits and spurts. It's all she can manage right now. She's been waiting for you, and there's a lot she wants to say, but I'm afraid it would take too much out of her."

"Tell us, please," Sam said.

The nurse gave them a kind smile and kept hold of Annie's hand, looking from her to Sam and Rachel. "She wants you to know their father wasn't always like this, that he was a good man once."

Rachel felt Sam tense. They didn't want to hear about the so-called good man who'd done this to Annie Greene.

"She said he got sick—really sick. Not because he was drinking. This was before all that. He missed a lot of work, lost his job. They lost almost everything. She said it was like they'd fallen into a string of bad luck and couldn't get out. About that time, she got pregnant with Zach. That's when things got really bad and when her husband started drinking. She never thought he'd hurt her, but of course, he did. She kept telling herself it would get better. It didn't. She didn't think he'd ever hurt the children, but one day her oldest daughter got between her and him, trying to save her... And that's when Annie knew they had to go."

"So ashamed... of myself," Annie whispered, tears in her eyes. "Should have known."

"It's all right," the nurse told her, and picked back up with the story. "She didn't really have anyone to turn to. Her husband's family... they all drank, too. And her family had been against her marrying him all along. They weren't interested in helping her out of the mess she'd made, and they were scared to have him coming around. So one day Annie packed their things and left. It wasn't until later that she realized she was pregnant again with Grace."

"Sweetest thing," Annie said. "Sweetest, happiest baby."

"She is," Rachel assured a crying Annie Greene.

"Don't want her to know... What she came from... How it was... Doesn't have anything to do with her."

"I understand," Rachel said. She was sure there weren't a lot of tender feelings left between husband and wife by then, but she doubted that would have stopped Annie's husband from taking what he wanted from her.

"She did the best she could, but it wasn't enough. She'd hate for people to judge them based on what their father was like or what she's done."

"We would never do that," Sam said.

"Thank you," Annie whispered.

"She would never have come back here, but she was sick herself," the nurse said. "A problem with her kidneys from the beatings. They'd damaged her kidneys, and she hardly ever got proper medical care. Battered women seldom do. The damage was done, and getting pregnant again... Well, pregnancy takes its toll on a woman's entire body. It's especially difficult for someone with kidney problems. Honestly, I don't see how she made it through the pregnancy, and afterward, Annie was getting weaker all the time. She knew she wouldn't be able to go on taking care of the children on her own.

"She risked calling her mother, who refused to help. But Annie was desperate. They were losing their apartment in Georgia. She hadn't been able to work. There wasn't any money. She thought maybe if she told her mother the whole story in person, her mother would listen. But she was afraid to take the children anywhere near her husband, afraid of what he might do.

"She knew all about Baxter, Ohio. She'd read about the Christmas festival there. It seemed like a nice town, and she thought if anything did happen to her, someone there would take care of her children. So she left them, thinking it would just be for a few hours. She was so scared when she finally regained consciousness and realized how much time had passed. I didn't think we'd ever get her to calm down enough to even tell us what was wrong. And when she found out they'd spent three days there all by themselves..."

"Monster," Annie whispered. "You must have thought..."

"It's all right," Rachel claimed. "They're fine now. Emma took good care of them. You would have been so proud of her. This whole time... She's so good with them, so strong."

Annie nodded gratefully.

"She didn't get very far with her own mother," the nurse said. "Her mother's already raising two of her other grandchildren, and she didn't think she could handle any more. And someone Annie knew must have seen her in town and called her husband, because the next thing she knew, he took her and left her for dead on the side of the road."

"I messed it all up," Annie said. "Everything."

"You don't have to worry about the children right now," Sam said. "Whatever time you need to get back on your feet... And Rachel's family knows almost everybody in Baxter. I'm sure we know someone who could help you get a job, a place to stay. Whatever you need."

Annie smiled at him, truly smiled. "I forget sometimes.... There are good people left in this world.... But..."

"It's more than that," the nurse said. "She's had me asking about the two of you. She knows how much you've always wanted children, that it's just never worked out. Your aunt said the nicest things about both of you, that she's sure you'd make wonderful parents. So did your minister. And even the mayor."

"I don't understand," Sam said. "What does she want from us?"

"Dying," she said. "I'm dying."

"No," Rachel said.

"It's not the beating," the nurse said. "It's her kidneys. That's why she was so desperate, why she came back here. She's dying, and she needs someone to raise her children for her."

"You," Annie whispered. "Both of you."

Rachel didn't say a word. Neither did Sam. They were too stunned.

"She wants you to be sure. To take some time to think it through. She doesn't have long, but she wants you to be sure."

"What's wrong with her?" Rachel asked.

"She developed kidney disease, from the damage done years ago from the beatings, which worsened with the added strain of the pregnancy, and now with the added stress of the beating, her kidneys have shut down."

"But she could get a transplant, couldn't she?" Sam asked.

The nurse shook her head. "Maybe if she'd tried to get help sooner. But she let it go on for so long. The damage adds up, and at times, if there's a lot of trauma to the body and one organ starts to shut down, the other organs start to shut down, too. I'm afraid she's in organ failure, so far gone that no one would ever put her on a waiting list for a transplant."