Tunnel Vision (33 page)

But he stopped Abba mid-sentence with a raised hand, put all his things back into his bag and came towards the door. I darted around the corner to the small lounge and waited till I heard Abba come out to talk to him. There was a scratching sound, pen on paper, and the rip of a sheet being torn off.

I hoped he had given Ammi the red syrup. When I was ill, I always got some red syrup. It was sticky and sweet with an aftertaste that made my mouth open by itself and my shoulders hunch up.

‘
Doctor Sahib …,
'
Abba began.

‘
Just a minute,
'
there was more pen on paper, more ripping. Had he started again or was he giving her lots of syrup?
‘
Right. You
'
ll need to get these and start them immediately. The dosage is on the prescription. You should be able to get the first two at the corner store, but the other one you might have to go a little further.
'

‘
This is a lot of medicine,
'
Abba sounded hesitant, unsure of what to say or whether to say what was really on his mind.

‘
She needs a lot of care. Most of this is for strength, tonics and tablets to build her up. As you must have noticed, she can
'
t even get up.
'

‘
I thought she was just being dramatic.
'

‘
She
'
s just had a child. She
'
s not that young anymore. It
'
s just exhaustion, plain and simple. The weakness is bad for everyone right now, especially since she
'
s feeding the baby.
'

‘
I wanted to put him on formula but she won
'
t agree.
'

‘
She might have to if she doesn
'
t get stronger.
'

‘
Doctor,
'
again there was that hesitation,
‘
she wasn
'
t like this after the first child.
'

‘
Like I said, she
'
s not that young anymore. She
'
s run down, her blood pressure is low, she
'
s probably anaemic, and her blood isn
'
t thick enough.
'

‘
But why would that happen all of a sudden?
'

‘
It doesn
'
t happen all of a sudden, it
'
s obviously been building up for a while.
'

‘
But from what? She doesn
'
t work.
'

‘
Who takes care of the home?
'

‘
She does.
'

‘
And the other child?
'

‘
She does, naturally,
'
Abba was beginning to sound irritated.

‘
Even during pregnancy? What about her family, her own mother? Why didn
'
t she go and live with them?
'

‘
Her mother died when she was a kid. No sisters. And I don
'
t have any close family either. We
'
re pretty much on our own.
'

‘
There
'
s your answer. Now, are you going to drop me back? It
'
s a fair walk from here.
'

‘
Of course,
'
Abba
'
s keys jangled in his hand.

As they went out, I heard him say,
‘
But other women have eight children and that doesn
'
t slow them down.
'

‘
People are different. Can you afford a fulltime maid for a while to help?
'

‘
Just my luck. I had to go and marry a princess.
'

I looked in on Ammi but she had fallen asleep.

For all his grumbling, my father was getting worried. If not about Ammi herself, then about all the planets which orbited her sun. Adil. Me. The home. The kitchen. Who would make sure his carefully constructed kingdom, his refuge from the harsh outer world, would not collapse while she recuperated? To me he said she would recuperate, he was sure of that, she
'
d be back to her normal self in no time.

Was he just an extremely positive thinker or was it denial? I thought my father
'
s optimism about Ammi getting better was misplaced. You only had to look at her. She grew paler by the day and thinner too, as if Adil was sucking the life out of her with every tug of his mouth. Abba was forcing her to take the tonics and pills, and a girl from the neighbourhood was popping in to cook and serve lunch to me and Ammi, but dinner was Abba
'
s chore once he got home from work. He had said after the doctor left and I quizzed him that we couldn
'
t afford a fulltime maid but after just a couple of days doing it he threw in the towel.

SHAADI NA KARNA YARO,
BOHAT PACHTAO GAY

LYRICS OF HASSAN JEHANGIR SONG

~

‘I
'
m so distracted by the thought of cooking I can
'
t finish the work on my desk, and ten more files are waiting to pour in,
'
he told Ammi one night as he watched her pick at the tray he had taken in for her. Adil nestled in his arms, sucking mindlessly on one hairy knuckle. I was on the floor by the dressing table, my plate balanced on the stool. It had been there for a while and I still wasn
'
t finished. Abba was a terrible cook.

‘
Then don
'
t make bhindi,
'
was the best Ammi could manage, accompanied by a wan, sad smile, as if to say,
‘
Thank you for reminding me that you
'
re having to do extra work, my work, while I lie around all day doing nothing more important than breastfeeding your child and feeling awful. So inconsiderate of me, I know.
'

‘
It doesn
'
t matter what I make, I still have to think about it before, rush home, rush into the kitchen, it
'
s all rush, rush, rush. I can
'
t do any work like this.
'

‘
Maybe the girl can come and do dinner as well?
'

‘
She can
'
t. I checked. And we can
'
t force her because we
'
re not paying her. Her mother just wants to help out, says it
'
s neighbourly.
'

‘
Wants to know exactly what happens in our house is more likely.
'
Was that a weak snort?

‘
These people are trying to help us and you
'
re looking at them so suspiciously,
'
he shook his head.

‘
Sorry. Everything just seems so dark all of a sudden. I just can
'
t think of anyone doing anything nice. Why would they? Why do anything at all?
'

‘
Well, everyone can
'
t lie around all day.
'

She flushed,
‘
You think I
'
m faking, don
'
t you?
'

‘
No, no I don
'
t,
'
he was quick to deny it.

‘
You don
'
t have to lie. It doesn
'
t matter if you think I
'
m faking. I don
'
t care. It
'
s not going to make me hop out of bed and scrub your floors.
'

‘
I
'
ve never asked you to do that.
'

‘
You
'
ve never asked me not to either.
'

‘
Are you saying I don
'
t treat you well?
'

‘
You don
'
t treat me at all.
'

‘
If only your mother were alive, or you had sisters, cousins, good friends even. This is when you need other people.
'

‘
Because you know, those other women and I had this baby, built this house, and raised Ayesha together.
'

‘
You know what I mean. You can
'
t go to my office and do my work. It
'
s natural that I have to struggle with yours.
'

‘
My work?
'
Ammi laughed,
‘
it
'
s funny how we and us, ours and together becomes yours and mine.
'

‘
Don
'
t blame me. That
'
s just the natural order of things. It
'
s our way.
'

‘
You know what our way really says? It says you have to take extra special care of me at a time like this. That I should want for nothing, need nothing, if you can provide it.
'

‘
What do you need that I haven
'
t given you?
'

She kept quiet, looked away.

‘
I
'
m doing my best, aren
'
t I? Is it my fault if I have to work so I can
'
t come home earlier to cook lunch as well? Is it my fault that you
'
re spoilt and inconsiderate? Is it my fault the bloody bhindi has to be chopped so small? Why can
'
t you just fry it and munch it like potato chips, huh?
'

‘
Ayesha,
'
Ammi sounded disinterested,
‘
get me a glass of water please.
'

I brought her a glass of cold water from the clay matka in the coolest corner of the kitchen, a plate under it like she had showed me before. Serve people properly, make them feel important. No one had said anything in my absence. I could tell. It was as if I were the switch. On. Off. On. Off. Was this somehow all my fault?

Ammi reached under her pillow and pulled out a thick gold bracelet. It had been her mother
'
s. She had shown it to me, said it would be mine one day.

‘
Ayesha, come here.
'

I went over. She patted the bed and I climbed up quickly, pleased to be close to her. I had missed her soft, warm body, her sinewy arms, lately they had been given over entirely to Adil. I considered jabbing an elbow into his rounded belly as I nestled next to him, but decided against it. Both parents were watching. Besides, there would be time enough for that.

‘
I know I told you that this was yours, and I was merely hanging on to it for safekeeping.
'

I nodded. To me, it was a bauble. A pretty bauble, but a bauble nonetheless. Jewellery was for silly girls who whined about clothes and swooned over preppy faced singers. I was going to grow up to be a man.

‘
I need to ask you for something Ayesha. I need your help.
'

‘
What do you want me to do, Ammi?
'
I would do anything for her. She was the most important thing in the world to me, more important than Abba, Adil, the Mamus, the street, the bauble all rolled into one.

‘
I need to get some money so I can have help around the house, someone to look after us, look after you while I rest.
'

‘
I don
'
t need anyone to look after me,
'
I protested, stung by the implication that I was a helpless child. I wasn
'
t. Who had kept everything together since Adil was born? Who had gone around and checked all the locks on doors and windows at night when everyone was asleep like Ammi used to do? Who had made sure the girl who came to cook didn
'
t wash leftover food down the sink? It certainly hadn
'
t been Abba.

‘
To look after me then, so I can grow strong again and look after Adil properly?
'

‘
And me!
'
Sure I didn
'
t need anyone else, but I wanted her. Needed her. To plait my hair, intimidate my enemies, read me stories.

‘
What do you want to do then?
'

‘
I want you to say goodbye to this bracelet. It won
'
t be yours anymore.
'

There was a snort from Abba
'
s direction.

‘
Okay. Goodbye bracelet,
'
I waved happily at it.

‘
Thank you, baby doll,
'
Ammi kissed my nose, then held the bracelet out to Abba,
‘
get me a fulltime maid. Someone clean, reliable. She should be able to cook.
'

‘
Of course your majesty,
'
Abba bowed to her,
‘
I exist but to cater to your every whim and fancy.
'