TTFN (10 page)

zoegirl:

hey mads. i'm at my mom's office, sitting in the most phenomenal swivel chair ever invented. can i have a swivel chair like this when i grow up?

mad maddie:

depends. r u gonna be a high-powered lawyer like your mom and make tons of money?

zoegirl:

uh …

mad maddie:

i, for one, plan to reject all worldly objects. u can
come visit me in my trailer if you want. i will have christmas lights blinking all year long.

mad maddie:

so wazzup?

zoegirl:

have you ever heard of

zoegirl:

ok, this is embarrassing. i don't know how to say it. which is why i'm txting it.

zoegirl:

but have you ever heard of girls, like, pleasuring themselves by jiggling their legs?

mad maddie:

WHAT?!!

mad maddie:

omg, i am rolling on the floor, just so you know. just exactly how phenomenal IS that swivel chair?

zoegirl:

maddie! not *me*! god!

mad maddie:

and the term is “masturbating,” zoe. u can say it. mas-tur-bat-ing.

zoegirl:

fyi, i don't do that. sometimes i wish i could, but i can't, so that's that.

mad maddie:

what do u mean, u can't?

zoegirl:

i can't, that's all

mad maddie:

r u serious?

zoegirl:

this is not actually what i texted to talk about. but yes, i'm serious.

zoegirl:

can u?

mad maddie:

can i MASTURBATE?

mad maddie:

uh, zoe, where is your mom? she's not in the room with u, is she?

zoegirl:

yes, she's standing right behind me and i'm reading our texts aloud.

zoegirl:

she's in a meeting, dummy! i've been stuck at her office *forever* because we're meeting my dad for dinner.

mad maddie:

well, in that case … yes, i can pleasure myself quite nicely, thank u very much. and i'm only telling u that cuz ur one of my dearest friends on the planet. but don't go asking for lessons.

zoegirl:

oh, gross!

mad maddie:

what brought this up? what's this “jiggling their legs” business?

zoegirl:

grrrrrrrrrrr

zoegirl:

chase dickinson, during french. he looked over at me and started cracking up, and i was like, “what? what are you laughing about?”

zoegirl:

he jerked his chin at my legs, which happened to be crossed, and he said, “i know why girls do that.”

zoegirl:

“do *what*?” i said.

zoegirl:

and he goes, “jiggle your leg like that.”

mad maddie:

WERE u jiggling your leg?

zoegirl:

maybe. i don't know. but so what if i was? i wasn't doing … what he said i was doing!

mad maddie:

don't let it bother u. he's an immature freak.

zoegirl:

i couldn't have been doing that even if i wanted to, not that i *ever* would have been doing it right there in french. i mean, god. but sometimes i think there's something wrong with me, maddie. why doesn't my body work the way other people's do?

mad maddie:

hmm, cuz ur repressed?

mad maddie:

uh oh, ur not responding

mad maddie:

i was KIDDING, zoe!

zoegirl:

that was not a nice thing to say

mad maddie:

i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i was just teasing.

zoegirl:

i don't want to be repressed. i just think … i don't know. that some girls are more naturally sexual than others. like you.

mad maddie:

chive told me i'm sexy. he said i have great legs.

zoegirl:

you do have great legs. you have great everything.

zoegirl:

are you *sure* the two of you aren't becoming an item? angela said you watched “Doctor Who” with him last night.

mad maddie:

yeah, and i totally made a fool of myself. not during the show, but after.

zoegirl:

uh oh. what happened?

mad maddie:

one of chive's friends from northside was there, a girl named whitney, and she was all over chive. it was disgusting. and i guess i was a little …

mad maddie:

i dunno. but somehow i ended up getting paired off with this guy named brannen, who also goes to n'side.

zoegirl:

what do u mean, paired off?

mad maddie:

the four of us were out by the pool, which was closed, but we climbed over the fence. whitney was like, “i'll kiss chive, and u kiss brannen, ok?”

zoegirl:

she calls him “chive” too?

mad maddie:

everybody does now. i love that.

zoegirl:

if you're the one who came up with his nickname, and you're the one who likes him, then *you* should get to kiss him.

mad maddie:

i know! but whitney already claimed him, so what was i supposed to do?

mad maddie:

anywayz, who cares? bodies r bodies r bodies.

zoegirl:

no, because bodies are connected to actual people, to hearts and brains and souls.

zoegirl:

was brannen cute at least?

mad maddie:

ehhh, too short for my taste. and u know what's bad?

zoegirl:

what?

mad maddie:

it turned into this totally horny go-for-it session, with my bra shoved up and his hands all over me, and now he won't quit txting. he's like, “do u wanna go to a movie? do u wanna go out for coffee?”

mad maddie:

i finally wrote back and said, “enough, all right? quit feeling sorry for me.”

zoegirl:

i doubt he feels sorry for you, mads.

mad maddie:

that's what HE said. he's all, “what? no, i really like u!”

mad maddie:

whatevs

zoegirl:

i don't get it. you and chive have so much fun together, and it's obvious he thinks you're hot or he wouldn't have kissed you at donovan's wedding. so why would he kiss whitney instead of you?

mad maddie:

cuz she basically told him to. it's not like he was gonna tell her no.

zoegirl:

i don't see why not

mad maddie:

plus she's pretty, in a bouncy cheerleader-y way.

zoegirl:

did he even seem apologetic about it?

mad maddie:

it wasn't a big deal, zo. i refuse to be a ball and chain.

mad maddie:

anywayz, i'm gonna see him later tonight. he says he's got something planned, but he won't tell me what.

zoegirl:

is whitney going to be there?

zoegirl:

this is making me not like chive as much, that he would treat you like this.

mad maddie:

like what? i'm a big girl—i can make my own decisions.

mad maddie:

i can't even blame whitney for liking him. he's just got that kind of energy, where everyone wants to be around him. he makes everyone feel special.

zoegirl:

not special enough, apparently …

mad maddie:

i'm so glad u know everything about relationships, zo. i'm so glad ur such a pure and shining example of how to do things right.

zoegirl:

you're right. i'm sorry, i'm sorry.

zoegirl:

and if it makes u feel any better, i have boy problems of my own.

mad maddie:

plz elaborate.

zoegirl:

all right, but you *can't* tell angela. anyway, it'll probably come to nothing.

mad maddie:

what'll come to nothing?

mad maddie:

OMG—is it about u and doug?

zoegirl:

what?!! how did you know?

mad maddie:

it just came to me in a flash, cuz why else would u be all interested in this leg-jiggling business?

zoegirl:

maddie!

zoegirl:

never mind, i'm not dignifying that with a response.

mad maddie:

so you WERE flirting with him at dylan's. i knew it! zoe likes doug! zoe likes doug!

zoegirl:

shut up!

mad maddie:

omg, if angela finds out she's gonna FREAK.

zoegirl:

i know, but why? it's totally unfair for her to even care. yes, he had a crush on her last year, but now they're just friends.

mad maddie:

does angela know that?

zoegirl:

of course she knows that. she's the one who never reciprocated. how would she think they're anything BUT friends?

mad maddie:

cuz in angela's mind, doug is her safety date, the guy who'll long for her forever. and one day she cld have a change of heart, and they would live sappily ever after.

zoegirl:

that's not going to happen, maddie

mad maddie:

well, no, not with U in the picture

mad maddie:

but i'll tell u what: u can't give me a hard time about chive, not when ur sneaking around behind angela's back!

SnowAngel:

hi, mads. wake up wake up wake up!

mad maddie:

ugh. too groggy. go away.

SnowAngel:

then why'd ya respond to my text, huh? gotcha there, sucker.

mad maddie:

can't talk. or text, whatever. downloading a song from a group chive told me about. go away.

SnowAngel:

i'm not going away.

SnowAngel:

so how was your night? *folds hands and waits with a pleasant smile*

mad maddie:

u really wanna know?

SnowAngel:

yes, i really wanna know.

mad maddie:

well, u can't flip out, but i'll tell u cuz ur my friend.

SnowAngel:

hmm, intrigue. i luv it.

mad maddie:

i smoked pot for the first time, ok?

SnowAngel:

WHAT???

mad maddie:

it was SO not a big deal. chive said he had a surprise for me, and that's what it was.

SnowAngel:

chive's surprise was that the 2 of u were gonna smoke pot?!

mad maddie:

and his friend brannen, which was a mistake. not the fact that i smoked pot, but the fact that brannen was there too.

SnowAngel:

brannen from the kissy-kissy night?

mad maddie:

if i'd known he was gonna be there, i might not have gone. cuz the pot, like, intensified everything, and partly that was cool, but partly it was uncool, especially in regards to brannen.

SnowAngel:

why?

mad maddie:

i dunno, cuz he kept staring at me with this “i'm interested in u” smile. it was gross.

SnowAngel:

what about chive?

mad maddie:

he was in his own world listening to music with earbuds in. i wish i could be more like that, just do whatever i feel like doing and be confident in
myself. but no. i had to deal with brannen making pop-eyes at me.

SnowAngel:

where were u guys this whole time?

mad maddie:

we sneaked into a housing development called cross creek condominiums. there's this big stretch of forest behind the condos, and that's where we went.

SnowAngel:

oh

mad maddie:

we called ourselves the cross creek crusaders. it was pretty funny.

SnowAngel:

i can't believe u smoked pot. i mean, i know ppl do, but i can't believe that U did.

SnowAngel:

what was it like?

mad maddie:

kinda a mixed bag

mad maddie:

ha, that's funny. a mixed BAG, get it?

SnowAngel:

no

mad maddie:

as in, a bag of pot. that's what u call it.

SnowAngel:

fascinating, now tell me what it was like

mad maddie:

well, it hurt sucking it in. and then ur supposed to hold it for as long as u can, but i kept coughing. and it made my eyes water.

SnowAngel:

sounds fun. NOT!

mad maddie:

chive says i'll get better with practice. he says the paranoid feelings will go away too.

SnowAngel:

huh

SnowAngel:

um, i know this'll sound kinda stupid, but what's the GOOD part about smoking pot? besides the fact that it was something u did with chive.

mad maddie:

well … i seriously had some wild sensations. it made everything blurry around the edges, like the boundaries of the world were melting away, and all these undercurrents of life were swirling around us. and i could SEE them. that's what made it so cool.

SnowAngel:

u could see what? the undercurrents of life?

mad maddie:

i know it sounds weird. i guess there's no way to explain it unless u've tried it yourself.

SnowAngel:

my life is blurry enough, thx

SnowAngel:

u gonna do it again?

mad maddie:

dunno. wish it didn't burn so much.

mad maddie:

but chive mentioned something about hooking up tonight, so maybe. wanna come?

SnowAngel:

er … doesn't really sound like my scene.

mad maddie:

yr always saying u want to get to know chive better, and zoe's working tonight so u have no excuse. u don't have to smoke if u don't want to.

SnowAngel:

i don't wanna sneak into that golf course, either

mad maddie:

it's not a golf course! it's just the woods behind some condos.

mad maddie:

how about this: why don't i call chive and see what's up, and then i'll give u more details. we'll do something legal if that's what u want.

SnowAngel:

uh … ok, i guess

mad maddie:

hey, that just gave me a good idea for a googlewhack.

SnowAngel:

qu'est-ce que c'est un googlewhack?

mad maddie:

i haven't told u about googlewhacks?

mad maddie:

oh yeah, that was zoe i told

SnowAngel:

*taps foot on floor*

mad maddie:

a googlewhack is an extremely delightful way to pass the time where u type in words on google and try to get only one hit. the “perfect 1,” it's called.

SnowAngel:

sounds boring

SnowAngel:

or rather, sounds like something u should do ON YOUR OWN and not while your friend is twiddling away her toes.

mad maddie:

i'm gonna try “legal chive,” whaddaya think? let me just do a little multitasking here …

mad maddie:

tarnation. 20,100 hits.

SnowAngel:

oh well

mad maddie:

maybe “illegal chive” is the way to go, eh?

SnowAngel:

maddie, i do not wanna sit here while u googlewhack!

mad maddie:

716 hits. still shabby. wouldn't it be funny if all 716 were actually about chive and his illegal activities?

SnowAngel:

wouldn't it be even funnier if u actually talked to ME instead of googlewhacking off in the corner?

mad maddie:

ooo, u make me sound so perverted

SnowAngel:

good-bye, i'm leaving

mad maddie:

what? WHY?

SnowAngel:

cuz ur making my eyes glaze over. anyway, i've gotta clean up my room for an open house today. UGH.

mad maddie:

in that case maybe i'll go hunt down some breakfast—maybe some more of that pizza i had last night. u know, pizza hut pizza is truly amazing. it's been in our fridge for 2 weeks, but it tastes as good as ever.

SnowAngel:

did u say two weeks? *goes pale*

mad maddie:

i didn't even heat it up. mmm-mmm good!