Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy (38 page)

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Authors: Ozzy Osbourne

Tags: #Humor, #BIO005000, #Entertainment & Performing Arts, #General, #Biography & Autobiography, #Health & Fitness

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S
EXY
B
EAST

a). The serotonin released when you bonk is like nature’s aspirin, according to one specialist, Dr. Vincent Martin—who was recently voted the Best Doctor in the World by married men everywhere.
c). Diphallia means you’re born with two dicks (one usually bigger than the other). It ain’t exactly common, though: there have been only 100 cases since the first one was discovered in 1609.
c). The “buyer”—a 38-year-old Australian businessman, if you believe what you read in the press—backed out at the last minute ’cos his wife found out. It still ain’t clear if he got his $250,000 deposit back. The whole thing was a PR stunt organised by a knocking shop in Nevada.
b). The festival is held every year on March 15—and everyone gets blasted on sake. The guys who carry the giant dick have to be exactly 42 years old, ’cos it’s believed to be an unlucky age.
a). The beauty contest is known as the Gerewol and happens every September, with the guys trying to show off their height and the whiteness of their eyes and teeth. As if that weren’t freaky enough, they also get out of their minds on a drink made of psychoactive bark.

H
IGH
E
XPECTATIONS

a). If you milk the venom and dry it out, you end up with a drug called bufotenine, which—when smoked—gives you the same kind of high as LSD.
Don’t
try it, though, ’cos it’s illegal (and the toads are endangered). A former Scout leader in California is one of the few people who’ve ever been arrested for taking a “toad trip.” He told agents that his mind was blown so wide open, he could “hear electrons jumping orbitals in my molecules.”
a) and b). The gold-toothed criminal managed to grow the pot plant for five months at Verne Prison in Dorset—he even hung tinsel on it during Christmas—before the screws finally realised that the mile-wide grin on his face wasn’t ’cos his heirlooms were so ripe.
None of them, according to the autopsy. Her famous dad, Art, blamed a flashback from LSD—which lead to the theory that people think they can fly when they’re freaking out on acid.
a). They also found “eight luxury vehicles, seven weapons, and a machine to make pills.” The alleged dealer, a Chinese guy, was later arrested in the U.S.
c). It was part of the CIA’s insane MK-Ultra mind-control programme in the 1950s and 1960s. Punters were lured into a brothel in San Francisco, then drugged and sexually blackmailed while agents sat behind two-way glass, taking notes. The CIA thought the Johns would be too embarrassed to complain to the cops the next morning. They were right.

M
EET THE
W
ORMS

c). LifeGem takes carbon from human remains and uses it to make synthetic diamonds. In 2007, the company made a diamond partly from carbon extracted from 10 strands of Ludwig van Beethoven’s hair: it was sold on eBay for $202,700 (the money went to charity).
b). Tibetans used to do this ’cos most of ’em are Buddhists and think the human body is an “empty vessel” after death. Also, Tibet is a rocky place, so digging graves is a major ballache—and cremation would use up scarce firewood. There are some crazy pictures on the internet of “body-breakers” cutting up corpses while vultures queue up for their dinner.
All of ’em. The Ferrari woman was Sandra Ilene West, who died at 37 from a drug overdose. The car—a powder blue 1964 Ferrari 330 America—was put in a wooden box and covered with concrete (to make sure no-one nicked it) and lowered into a hole nine feet under the Alamo Masonic Cemetery in Texas. For organising the burial, her brother-in-law was given a $2 million inheritance. If he’d refused to do it, he would have got only $10,000.
All three. This happened in the 1700s when “safety coffins” were all the rage after a few horrendous cases of people being buried alive. Other coffin designs had cords attached to church bells, so you could sound the alarm if you “woke up.” The only problem: bodies usually swell up and move as they decompose—so on more than one occasion, a fresh corpse in the churchyard ended up ringing the bell, scaring the shit out of the Vicar.
a). A “death erection” usually happens after being hung, shot in the head, or poisoned (it’s technically known as a “priapism” and you can also get it with a severe spinal chord injury, I’m told). If Mother Nature had any mercy, she’d give you the boner
before
you died.

How did you score?

41-60:
Medical genius
. If haven’t tried brain surgery yet, now might be the time.

21-40:
Hypochondriac
. You have just enough knowledge to be a danger to yourself and society.

0-20:
Medical liability
. You’re so clueless, you could end up accidentally stabbing yourself in the kidney while clipping your toenails. Wear Bubble Wrap and remain indoors at all times.