Trust Me (40 page)

We sat in silence for a few minutes before I spoke. “Have you talked to Cass since she moved back to Seattle?”

He said nothing just shook his head no. The look of devastation across his face wasn’t hidden, even in the dark light.

“Have you talked to Chad other than tonight?” He asked instead of talking about him and Cassa.

“No… a few text messages but not a conversation.” We were silent again, but I had a question burning a hole through my brain. “Has he really been writing some good stuff?”

“Unbelievable the pain he taps into, the anger… I understand why Cal got so pissed. The new stuff rocks.”

Jesus I had forgot about Cal’s freak out on me and groaned before realizing Shame would hear my annoyance. “I forgot about Cal.”

“No one hates you, not even Cal. Cal is all about the music, the bands success is all he cares about. He picks a fangirl or two and has a good time, but the second the girls are off the bus he is back to business. He is a crazier version of Noah. Noah used to be just like that before he started sniffing around Candy. It’s why he is so damn good. Love isn’t a want or need for Calvin Dorian baby girl you know that.” He spoke of Noah with such awesome reflection I couldn’t help but smile. We really had come out clean from the dark side of hell. We had scratches and pains but we were good.

“He was furious Shame. I hate that he thinks I’m a careless bitch.”

“Go home and get some sleep Carrie. Let me deal with Cal and his mouth. Let Chad sober up and sleep off his night and I’ll talk to him with a clear head tomorrow. Let Noah go bang the hell out of Candy because one of them two needs their girl back and tonight it seems Noah’s the lucky fucker.”

“Uh, really? Please don’t remind me how gross they are. I live with her.”

“Where are you staying then because Noah said he was going to her room, her bed no matter what?”

“I’m not sure yet because that was news to me.” I shrug and lower the heater because it’s finally warm. “I’ll figure it out.”

“Nonsense Carrie. Hang on.” He had his cell out and was stroking the keypad quickly. A series of beeps and he put the phone back in the pocket of his flannel shirt. “Four Seasons has a room for you under your name but the TAT account. Noah had a standby room for when we got here. Trust me Carrie, he knew you were hotel bound tonight. And before you ask, he is sending you to the hotel because Candy has something to show him at the apartment and he won’t share it with us.”

He is smirking and I know exactly what that something is and Shame would be furious if he knew. Noah was checking in on Cassa and betting I would be with Chad in a private room at the Four Seasons. Shame and I were being fucked figuratively while everyone else got the good stuff. For some reason this made me cry.

“Carrie?” He asked because I had to be freaking him out. “Carrie listen to me. I don’t know if this is because of Chad, or Cal or the fact your bro was constantly lookin’ out. But whatever it is, you’ll get through it.”

I nod but it feels empty.

A tap came a few more silent moments later and Shame rolled his window down when he saw Noah standing there freezing. “What the fuck Shame? We are due on stage in five minutes. Get the lead out fucker!” Noah didn’t acknowledge me and I knew it was because he was giving me space to handle what happened. Noah made his point months ago and called me a pussy and a brat. This was him staying out of it for the sake of the band and the fact him and Chad were close once again.

Shame smiled and got out of my car yelling to Noah to wait. Noah was sitting in a golf cart he must have drove around looking for me and I felt bad having held up the show. “The fans will wait bro, makes the moment we come alive on stage all the sweeter!” He ducked his head blew me a kiss and was off, Noah rolling his eyes and waving to me. He knew I wasn’t staying. I wouldn’t watch Chad with Right and Left all night. Not when I came to fix us. It made me sick. This life was sick but it was the life I had made for myself and I would have to deal.

*

It was four o’clock in the morning when I heard the knock from the door getting louder. Candy and Noah both texted me telling me they were headed to our place. Shame texted making sure I made it to the Four Seasons after telling Noah where I was.

I rolled from the enormous, and seriously way too comfortable king size bed and staggered half asleep to the banging on the door. Glancing at the clock on my way, noting it was still dark out I cursed Chad Blake for sending me to bed upset and waking me in such fucked up rock star fashion.

Oh yes. I knew damn well it was Chad on the other side of that door. And I was desperately hoping he was sober and fresh from the shower having washed Right and Left from his skin.

I swung the door without looking to see that it was indeed Chad. I had Chad Blake radar. Peep holes were pointless in his presence.

I stared at his haggard looking form before stepping back silently and letting him in the room. We stood with our backs against opposite walls and avoided looking at one another. I was silently cursing myself now for answering the door without even a glance in the mirror. Every girl out there knows what we look like after a harrowing, Oscar worthy cry fest. I hadn’t even given myself a courtesy lick-my-finger-and-swipe-the-bags before opening the door.

After who knew how long Chad stepped from his perch at the wall and stepped toward me, arms extended. It happened so fast that my sleep addled brain couldn’t fight him off when his arms encircled my waste before he buried his nose in my neck. He still said nothing and I didn’t move as we stood there in an awkward and effortless embrace.

I think this hurt worse than the few words he had said to me earlier. At least I could see his face and knew he was more hurt than angry. This way he was hidden from me and I couldn’t tell if he was here to say goodbye or to perhaps apologize. I stood there stumped on what move to make. So I made the only logical move I could. I held him back. I couldn’t have moved from his arms if I tried. This was the reason I came. I needed his arms around me. I needed his comfort. I hadn’t lied to Cal or Shamus. I was selfish. The worst kind of selfish because I wanted nothing else but for him to hold me.

Then he went and killed the moment.

“Shame told me Carrie.” He took a deep breath and held me tighter knowing his next words would make me want to bolt. “I’m so sorry I fucked up again.”

But it helps me
On those lonely nights
It's that one thing
That keeps me alive
Knowing that you
Wait for me
Ever so patiently

Theory of a Deadman

Chapter Twenty-five

I could kill Chad was my first thought. My second was to try to pry myself from his embrace, but Chad held firm. For a small brief second, I had woken thinking my world was right and that my man wanted me back. He didn’t. Instead he was here to tell me he fucked up again. That meant one thing in my book and that was he fucked Right and Left before coming to me. The thought had me struggling to get from Chad’s embrace before I vomited all over him. I seriously needed Pepto-Bismol when in his presence it seemed.

He wasn’t letting me go though.

“Why didn’t you tell me Carrie?” His voice was soft and full of love and devotion and everything I had wanted from him earlier. Giving it to me now was all for pity. I didn’t need his pity.

“And what? Rob you of your little dig at me earlier?” I seethed and tore myself from his hold. He let me go I assume because my voice brooked no argument from him. I was seething mad.

“Well had you called me I’d have known and I would have been prepared. I haven’t heard from you other than a few heartless text messages in six months. You show up looking like every dream I’ve had in that time and expect me to crumble? I’ve done enough graveling haven’t I?”

Every dream? I vowed to myself to think on that tidbit later.

“This isn’t about graveling or past hurts. Bottom line was I couldn’t bring myself to tell you over a
heartless
text or phone call. I love you still. I thought you would like the news in person.”

“Carrie”- he started shocked by my words, but I was on a roll.

“What I didn’t account for was the seething hatred I encountered when I saw you for the first time in said months! I wasn’t about to lay my heart out on the floor in front of your band and the other five on tour, not to mention your arm trophies.”

He cupped his hands over his face and scrubbed them up and down before dropping them to his sides. “I admit I wanted to hurt you Carrie. I don’t filter and I don’t sugar coat shit. I saw you and every hair on my body stood on end. A thousand scenarios ran through my head, every single one would have been a dream come true. And like a steel door those thoughts fade like everything else between us and the fury seeps in.
I love you
too and I tell you this often. I can’t even begin to make my words come out right other than I’m sorry I hurt you while you were hurting. I know you came for me to be with me so shut the fuck up and get back in my arms!”

That in a nutshell is my relationship with Chad Blake. Blinding fury, mad as hell at one another and it’s brushed aside for the bigger picture. Chad is my best friend and I lost him once before. We can both accept that this right here is where I needed to be. I fell like an inconsolable child into his arms and said nothing for long moments as the ugly cry tore from my chest. Nothing was going right other than a confession of love from us both. Instead we were yelling and fighting, while trying to love. We were still so fucking broken.

Broken or not I stayed in his arms unable to move.

The sun hadn’t risen yet but it was close and we were both exhausted. Curled in the darkness, wrapped safely in Chad’s embrace I finally spoke. “Did Noah or Candy call and warn you?”

I felt him stiffen at my voice breaking the silence. I hadn’t moved in hours of grief ridden sleep, but as my head lay upon Chad’s chest I looked around the room in the dim light and saw that Chad had moved while I had been sleeping. There was a table tray with silver covered plates and a few bags that appeared to be luggage. Chad’s maybe?

“No. I got a chance to talk with Shame before we went on.” He shrugs with a smile. “I was dishing on info about you and why you were here. I might be the biggest dick on earth right now, but I still wanted to know why you came. I had a fools dream of you coming to see me for me once I knew we were hitting Seattle. I was a fuck for how I treated you. I was so scared to hear more of the same shit, I went right into defense mode. Shame told me why you were here and I barely made it through the show. Once I got off stage I went back to the bus and started packing my bags to head to your place when Shame told me you were here.” He kissed the top of my head and pulled me closer. We were so confusing me and my man. In the grip of broken hearts and fights and slutty fan girls, we still make no attempt to hide how deeply we love one another. Chad and I truly are the worst kind of love.

“I was a little scared when he said you guys talked about Cassa, that you told him how she almost died and all the other shit that’s happened this last six months.”

His question pulled me out of my near constant monolog about Chad and I and brought me back up to speed like a bitch slap.
Because I had told Shamus enough
.

“Because after being dispatched by you in front of everyone… I didn’t want anyone to think that…that.. anyone but you was my reason for showing.”

“Fuck Baby… I’m sorry I was cruel. I don’t know why I do that shit.” He kissed my forehead before leaning in, like he owned the right and kissed me gently on my lips. It only caved my chest in further. Who was I kidding? Chad owned the rights to my heart, he owned every piece of me and why I we were still fighting it I would never know.

“Well I don’t know why I have to be so damn tough all the time. I could have choked on my sobs last night over how deep your words hurt, but you still had the right to know about why I was here. After everything I owe you the truth. My keeping it from you was my being scared. I had every intention of texting you this heartfelt declaration but in the end I decided for strength and perseverance.”

“I don’t know why you try being tough around me. I know your soft spots baby. I want to comfort you and try my fucking best to make you see how good we are, not how bad we can be.” He scooted down the bed so that we now lay face to face. One hand cupping my cheek while the other scooped under my shoulders to try and pull me closer still.

I took all our tears into consideration. I counted every hard moment in our relationship, I counted every painful goodbye, every kiss hello and every damn hurtful word and still took the chance knowing he would open up to me. “I couldn’t get to you fast enough Chad.” My sobs broke free and Chad’s arms tightened as the levee inside of me broke. “I knew you were in town and I couldn’t hold myself back from coming to you. Noah knew I would come to you. He made sure I had tickets at will call and passes…all of it.” I desperately go for breath I don’t have hoping to get my thoughts across.

“These last six months apart from you, keeping my distance and watching you from a television…it has been the worst kind of hell. So I planned to come to you, selfish as it might seem. I knew you were coming in; I followed your tour stops like a fucking stage five clinger. I had every intention of taking you home and seducing you. I knew I would come to you, that I would need you. I still love you and I knew I had to tell you in person.” Another sob retched free at my confession. “I was so selfish for taking so long. I wanted you to myself for once, before I had to tell you something so profound and important to me and I would have done anything for five minutes with you. I was angry and hurt and when you were so cold I just…”

I didn’t finish because the story had come full circle and there was no point rehashing it. Or so I thought. “Carrie I would never turn you away. I was angry and hurt and seeing you like a dream come to life… it was all too much. The last time we saw one another was the most painful moment in my life. I was still reeling from that fight.” He sighed and rolled to lay on his back no longer facing me. “The minute I was out of your life I buried myself in the tour and the album. Fuck Carrie I barely made it through the first show without screaming a big ‘fuck it’ to the crowed and chasing after you. I felt so fucking low baby. And tonight, I didn’t know where you went. Shame knew and I knew he knew when he showed up on stage late. The minute I saw his face, he looked at me and we both had this silent moment. We did songs back to back and we bailed without an encore. He met me on the bus and we talked. He told me we were fools.”