Trust (56 page)

He raised his head slowly to examine her, a concerned look on his face. He motioned to a bottle of Armagnac and a cigar box on the table. “Do you still want?”

She shook her head.

He stepped slowly in her direction as if afraid of scaring her. “Did I hurt you?”

She tilted her head back to face him. “Do you want the truth?” she whispered, careful not to hurt her throat anymore.

“Aye,” he nodded, halting only when he almost touched her, “Yes, I do.”

“You did,” she answered him ruthlessly, “I’ll probably have your fingers printed all over my throat tomorrow morning, not to mention your hands on my thighs and my ass.”

He flinched at her bluntness. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.” His forehead rested on hers and he caressed her back with slow, circular movements. “I really am. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“You were… jealous.”

“You’re right. I was jealous.”
More than jealous, Sophia. I felt insecure and afraid. I felt rejected and betrayed. And I don’t like those feelings
. “And possessive,” he said. “Not only jealous. Possessive, too. I have issues with trust, Sophia.”

“Albert Ackerman is just a fellow lecturer at Cambridge. And he’s married. He was waiting for his wife to join him.” She swallowed with care, her throat hurting.

“Marriage never stopped anyone from betraying.”

“Well, it’s a determinant for me.” She stared at his green eyes. “I believe in principles and morals. I’m faithful.”

“And I’m an idiot.” He said, his low, deep voice filled with sadness.

Sophia raised an eyebrow, “Can I agree with you? Or you are going to asphyxiate me again?”

He winced and she stood on her tiptoes, kissing his lips in forgiveness, saying, “However strange this may be,” her hands delved under his T-shirt to stroke his back in a calming caress, “even after everything, I liked the sex.”
Mind you, Alistair Connor, the sex
.

She astonished him.
Is she forgiving and trying to soothe me?
He put his arms around her and she leaned onto his chest.

“Is your throat hurting?” he asked, his voice concerned.

Sleep on it, Sophia. Don’t think about it. Give yourself some time to cool down
. She nodded, “It will get better.”

“Sophia-”

“I don’t want to talk about that right now. Tomorrow.” She rested her forehead on his chest and stifled a yawn on his T-shirt.

“Come,” he picked her up in his arms and she nestled her face into the hollow of his neck, “let’s sleep.”

Make things light, Sophia
. “Why are you always carrying me in your arms?”

“You’re light as a feather, I’m strong and,” he shrugged, “I like you where you are.” He squeezed her in his arms and felt her smile against his neck.

“I see. I just missed the stomping,” she teased.

His lips turned up in a small smile as she used his own words against him. And, although he felt too downcast to be amused, he tried to keep up with her mood. “Tomorrow morning, I will show you the child sleeping beside you.”
If you still want me
.

Chapter 25

Sunday, March 14
^th
, 2010.

6.57 a.m.

Sophia woke to the gentle sunlight streaming into their room.

They had forgotten to close the curtains.

Her back was snuggled flush to Alistair’s front, his arms wrapped around her like bands, and her head rested on his shoulder. He caged her as if he feared she would run away. She didn’t know if she should smile or grimace at the possessiveness of the position and, very cautiously, she turned in his arms.

In his sleep, his face looked relaxed and young. Several strands of raven hair fell over his forehead.

So handsome. So distrustful. What am I going to do with you, Alistair Connor?

She tried to disengage herself from his embrace without waking him, but he mumbled something in his sleep and tightened his hold on her. His eyelids fluttered and he blinked, focusing green sleepy eyes on her.

“‘Morning,” he whispered and kissed her forehead, grinning. “I like waking up to the sight of you.”

“Sorry, I-” she croaked. Her larynx hurt when she spoke and she put her hand on her neck, clearing her throat but ended up emitting a small pained sound.

Immediately, he sat on the bed, pulling her with him. “Let me see your neck.” His hand pulled hers away and he paled, closing his eyes at the sight of his fingers imprinted in black-and-blue on her skin. “I am a monster,” he muttered under his breath, disgusted with himself. He inhaled a deep breath and his beautiful green eyes filled with sorrow, “Please, Sophia, forgive me.”

“You’re forgiven. I’ll be fine in a few hours.” She gave him a small smile and her palm touched his cheek. “Some honey and hot pomegranate tea will cure this,” she said and frowned. She squirmed from his embrace and jumped off the bed, smiling, “I’ll be right back.”

Despite her light words, Alistair felt totally miserable. He looked at his large hands and brooded over the absurdity of his actions.

A low whimper followed by a heartbroken sob and the sound of a key being hastily turned made his head come up sharply.

Sophia! Oh, Christ
. He knocked softly on the bathroom door. “Sophia, please, my dear, open the door.”

All he could hear were her sobs.

“Please, Sophia. Open the door. Let’s talk. Please,” he begged, to no avail.

Alistair rested his back and head on the wall, eyes squeezed shut, and slid down to the floor.
What have I done?

Sophia’s muffled sobs cut through his despair. Enraged with himself, he pushed up from the floor and grabbed the phone to ask reception for a spare key to the bathroom.

Sophia huddled in the corner of the bathroom, hugging her legs.

Never, in her whole life, she thought she would see so many black-and-blue marks on her own body. And she didn’t know what to make of it.
I haven’t been beaten, I haven’t been-I bruise easily, that’s it. Who are you trying to fool, Sophia? The man is
- She sobbed again and more tears rolled down her face, dripping on the bathrobe she wore.

She didn’t want to think. She didn’t want to face it.

She liked him. She really did.

And she didn’t know what to do with this situation.

You provoked his ire, Sophia. You shouldn’t have - Oh, please, it was not my fault
. She dropped her head onto her knees and cried, confused and lost. Her mixed feelings and sorrow tormented so much her that she didn’t hear when the inside key dropped, the lock turned, and Alistair quietly entered the bathroom. He dropped to his haunches beside her.

He lightly stroked her hair. “Sophia, please,” he murmured.

She threw herself in his arms.

She was not supposed to trust him, but she didn’t know any better. Over the past few weeks, he had unlocked the door to her heart and had raided her soul. Now she didn’t want to believe him capable of turning into an abusive man.
No, no. It was… What, Sophia? An accident, like what happened with Ethan?

Alistair’s whole body tensed from the many emotions running wild in his chest. He didn’t say a word and rose with her cradled in his arms.

He had been doing foul things in his life to fill the void that Heather had created with her sick pleasures. But since he met Sophia, he couldn’t discern the emptiness anymore. He had been unfulfilled, yes, but now he had Sophia. And Gabriela. He couldn’t afford to lose them. He couldn’t.

Alistair sat in the armchair in the bedroom and rocked Sophia in his arms, patiently waiting for the tears to subside. “Please, Sophia, forgive me,” he whispered.

She sniffled and cleaned her face with the sleeve of the bathrobe. She nestled herself better in his arms and hid her face in the hollow of his neck. She knew they had to talk about what happened but she didn’t want to. In fact, her reaction shocked her more than his actions. She shuddered in his arms.

“I’m so sorry-”

Her hand clamped over his mouth.

“You are forgiven, Alistair. I told you.” She hiccupped, woefully, and the tears started to fall again. She wiped them before they fell on Alistair’s sweater. “I cried because when I looked in the mirror-”

“Oh, Christ,” he murmured and he leaned his cheek against hers, cradling her face between his face and his shoulder.

They remained silent for a long time. Sophia’s occasional sniffs punctuated the silence.

He buried his head in her hair and whispered, “I don’t know what got into me.”

I know. You, Alistair Connor, were psychotically jealous and went berserk
.

Instead of voicing her thoughts or talking back, she caressed his hair and nape and murmured, “Make love to me.”

And I’ve gone completely insane
.

He lifted his head, disbelief shimmering in his forest-green eyes for a second. “You don’t mean it. We have to talk about what happened-”

“We do. But later,” she whispered, careful not to scare him with her voice. She cupped his head to bring his lips close to hers, running her tongue over their seam, and playfully licking them. “I want you to make love to me. Gently. And slowly.”

“I’ll be gentle, Beauty,” he murmured, ashamed. His eyes were so dark they seemed black. He kissed her tenderly and raised his head a bit, to look into her eyes. He whispered again on her mouth, his voice strained and sorrowful, “I’m sorry, Sophia. I promise it won’t happen again.”

“I know,” she rasped, “we’re going to work this out.” And kissed him with all the faith inside her heart. “You have to start believing. In you. In me. In us.”

He returned the kiss, completely bewildered by her.

“Are you sore?” he breathed.

What do you think? You took me like a savage
. “Uh…” She lowered her eyelids warring with the mixed feelings inside her.
And you liked it, Sophia, you know you did
. Sophia was totally baffled by her lack of self-preservation. Or at least, she told herself that. She wasn’t ready to face the deep feelings she had for Alistair and how they made her vulnerable to his whims.

“I know I was a brute, last night.” His hand cupped her face making her look at him. “The truth, Sophia.”

“A bit,” she whispered.

“I’ll be so gentle,” he murmured on her lips. He lowered his head to hers and took her mouth in a long, slow kiss, his tongue leisurely exploring her soft lips.

He nibbled his way down her neck. “Sophia, I-” he started to whisper against the skin of her jaw only to stop short, jerking his head up to look at her.
I… love you? I love you. I. Love. You
. The thought and the feeling made his chest expand painfully. It scared him.
Christ. Is this for real?

“What?” she breathed on his mouth.

His green eyes flashed and a soft expression appeared on his face. One Sophia had never seen before. Alistair lovingly stroked her cheekbones and her jaw with his thumbs as if seeing her for the first time. “I think I’m falling in love with you,” he murmured and bent his head to kiss her softly on the lips. His heart beat so fiercely it made him dizzy. “No, that’s not right,” he shook his head, raising it a bit to look deep into her eyes, he picked up her hand, putting it over his heart and rephrased, “I- I love you, Sophia.”

She blinked, “Oh.” She put her other hand in his silky raven hair and a beautiful, huge smile spread over her face, “And it scares the hell out of you, doesn’t it?

“Aye. It does.” He nodded, studying her face and bright clear eyes. “But it does not scare you, does it?”

If possible, her smile broadened even more, “No. Not a bit.” And she tugged his head down for a kiss that transmitted all her belief in him.

Alistair watched Sophia as she dozed snuggled to his body.
If you give me another chance, I’ll fight all my inner demons and rebuild my life with you. I’m never going to hurt you again,
mo chridhe.
I swear it
.

He brushed away her hair to look closely at the marks on her neck and brushed his fingers over them, flinching when she, even in her sleep, moved away from his touch.

His mouth pressed into a hard line. His violent gesture puzzled and shocked him. He had never been that aggressive before with any woman. Not even with Heather when he discovered her betrayal.
Aye, I like to whip and spank women, but it is just for fun and pleasure
. He scowled at himself.
Fun? Pleasure? Really, Alistair Connor?

He shook his head. Since he had role-played as a dominant for Heather, for the first time he was horrified at that thought. Maybe with Heather it had been role-play, but after her…
After her, I’ve been doing it as vengeance. But then, they always liked it and kept returning for more
. He thinned his lips, aggravated.
And, you, Alistair Connor? And you? Were you happy with that life?

He recalled all his black deeds with a new perspective.
Sophia is worth a change. I have to make the right choices from now on
.

When he was the same age she is now, he had behaved rakishly and recklessly, not caring about the consequences. In the exact opposite direction as her, instead of fortifying his character, he had debauched himself even more as the years went by. He had been punished with the death of an unborn baby and of his dear daughter. But it hadn’t been enough.
I’ve drowned myself in an unbelievably dark and evil pool of mud and sewage for years
.

Sophia shifted in his arms and moaned. He looked again at her neck and closed his eyes, sighing.
There was no reason to react that strongly to a scene like the one I witnessed last night
. He narrowed his arms around her.
It was a simple conversation between friends. Nothing more
.

Then a dark memory insinuated itself in his mind. The photos of his late wife with so many different men and women popped into his mind. A ferocious wrath surged through his body. In an attempt to control himself, he bit his inner cheek and tasted blood.
You’re too biased, Alistair Connor
. He shook his head and shooed the memories of Heather away.

Sophia has never given me cause to doubt her
. And he remembered how she defended her late husband from Ethan’s cruel words and how love and admiration still showed in her voice when she spoke of him.