Truly Tasteless Jokes One (4 page)

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What's eight miles long and has an IQ of forty?

The St. Patrick's Day Parade.

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A widower was devoted to his only daughter and naturally was concerned when she decided not only to get married but to marry a Greek. Blushing furiously, he sat her down to discuss the facts of life, but she brushed him off, assuring him she knew all about those things and not to worry.

“Well, just one thing,” the father implored. “If he asks you to turn over, you don't have to.”

The young couple got married and were extremely happy until about six months had gone by. Embracing his wife in bed, the Greek said, “Why don't you roll over, dearest?”

“Oh, no, you don't!” she said. “My father said if I don't want to, I don't have to.”

“Whatsamatter,” he said, “don't you wanna get pregnant?”

*

Sammy Davis, Jr. stepped onto a bus in Jacksonville, and the bus driver said, “Nigger, get to the back of the bus.”

But I'm Jewish,” protested Davis.

“Get off.”

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An Italian, a Jew, and a Greek were walking down the sidewalk when—ZAP—a bolt of lightning came down and killed all three instantly. Up they went to the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greeted them warmly.

“Saint Peter, you can't do this to us,” they protested vehemently. “We're young men in the prime of life.
Please
let us go on living.”

St. Peter pondered the issue. “Well,” he finally pronounced, I’ll let you go back to Earth on one condition: that from this moment on, you all promise to abstain from your one most favorite activity.”

The young men lost no time in giving their fervent promises, and—WHAM—found themselves back walking down the sidewalk. What should they come across on the corner but a pizza parlor. The Italian broke into a sweat. Unable to resist temptation, he dashed in, ordered a slice, took a bite, and—POOF!—vanished in a puff of smoke. The Jew and Greek were understandably sobered by this event and continued walking, when a quarter rolled across the sidewalk.

His eyes lighting up, the Jew bent over to pick it up.

And the Greek disappeared.

*

What do you call a fat Chinaman?

A chunk.

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What do you gat when you cross a Mexican and an Iranian?

Oil of Olé.

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Did you hear about the football game between Italy and Poland? The Italians all started arguing about who was going to be quarterback and walked off the field, and three plays later the Poles won.

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A Pole, an Italian, and an Irishman have planned an expedition across the Sahara, and at the appointed time each shows up with the baggage critical to his survival.

Motioning to his flask, the Irishman says, “It's going to be a thirsty business, this crossing the desert, and I’ll need a drop to drink.”

Nodding his approval, the Italian points out his potful of pasta. “Itsa gonna be hungry work,” he says.

They look across at the Pole, who is carrying nothing but a turquoise-and-white left front door to a '57 Chevy. “It's going to be plenty hot out there,” he explains, “and I want to be able to roll down the window.”

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A Pole, an Italian and a Jew are marooned on an island. While walking along the beach, one of them comes across an old bottle. He rubs it and out comes a genie, who is empowered to grant them each their dearest wish.

“Ah,” says the Italian, “let me go back to the Old Country, where the wine is sweet and the women are beautiful.” Poof!—he vanishes.

“For me,” says the Jew, “I want to go to the Holy Land and live out the rest of my days with my people.” Poof!—he vanishes.

“Gee,” says the Pole, “it's kind of lonely here. I wish I had my friends back.”

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What's six miles long and goes four miles per hour?

A Mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables.

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Why did God give Mexicans noses?

So they'd have something to pick in the off season.

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The English teacher in a public school in Spanish Harlem decided it was time for the weekly vocabulary lesson. “What's the difference between select and choose, Ramon?” she asked.

“Select is when you pick something,” he answered, “and choose are what Puerto Ricans wear on their feet.”

*

An Irishman, a Frenchman, and a Pole walk into a bar.

The Irishman orders a WW.

“What's a WW?” asks the bartender.

“A whisky and water,” he explains.

The Frenchman orders next, and politely requests an RW.

“What's
that
?”

“A red wine,” he explains.

The Pole thinks a bit, and finally leans across the bar to ask for a fifteen.

“What the hell is that?” asks the beleaguered bartender.

“A seven and seven,” answers the Pole.

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Did you hear about the Italian who emigrated to Poland?

He raised the IQ, of both countries.

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What are the three occasions on which an Italian man visits his priest?

His first communion. When he gets married. Before his electrocution.

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What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican and a Chinaman?

A car thief who can’t drive.

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How do you fit forty-seven Puerto Ricans in a Volkswagen?

Use a blender.

How do you get them out?

Doritos.

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“Did you hear they sent up a Japanese astronaut?”

“No, first I've heard of it.”

“Well, I heard them say on the radio that there's a little nip in the air.”

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How do you keep an Englishman happy in his old age?

Tell him a joke when he's young.

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When the Irishwoman answered her front door it was only to hear the sorry tidings, shouted through the crack of the open door, that her husband had been killed. “And that's not the worst of it, I’m afraid, Ma'am,” said the foreman. “He was run over by a steamroller.”

“I’m in my bathrobe,” said the new widow. “Could you slip him under the door?”

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A Pole, an Italian, and a Puerto Rican jump off the Empire State Building. Who lands first?

Answer #1: The Italian, because the Puerto Rican stops to write on the walls, and the Pole stops to ask directions.

Answer #2: Who cares?

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Why are there no Puerto Rican doctors?

Because you can't write prescriptions with spray paint.

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What does NAACP stand for?

Negroes Are Actually Colored Polacks.

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How many people does it take to bury a Puerto Rican?

Five. One to lower the Puerto Rican, and four to lower the radio.

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What do you call three Irishmen sitting on the lawn?

Fertilizer.

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How many people does it take to bury an Italian?

Two. There're only two handles on a garbage can.

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What do you call a Puerto Rican midget?

A speck.

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What do you get when you cross a Jew and a Puerto Rican?

A superintendent who thinks he owns the building.

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Two Poles and a black worked for a construction company and got into the habit of working together—until the day the black fell off a scaffold eleven stories high. When the police got to the scene, there wasn't too much left of the fellow, so the officer in charge turned to the two distraught Poles. “Listen, guys,” asked the cop, “was there anything distinctive about this man?”

“No, he was just a regular guy,” sniffed one of the Poles.

“Hey, wait a minute!” piped up the other. “He had two assholes!”

“Are you bullshitting me?” asked the cop. “How the hell would you know?”

“Because every time we went into the bar around the corner for a beer at the end of the day,” said the Pole happily, “the bartender would say. ‘Here comes that stupid nigger with the two assholes!’”

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What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an octopus?

Got me, but it sure can pick lettuce.

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A Pole and a Jew were in a bar watching TV when the late-night news came on. The first sensational story was of a berserk woman poised on a window ledge seven stories up.

“I'll bet you a hundred dollars she won't jump,” said the Pole to the Jew.

“You got a deal,” said the Jew, sticking his hand out a few moments later when the woman plunged to a gory death. The Pole sadly forked over the money and ordered another drink, only to look up in astonishment as the other fellow tugged on his sleeve and tried to hand the hundred dollars back.

“It's all yours,” he protested. “You won the bet fair and square.”

“Nah,” said the Jew, “I saw it all happen on the six o'clock news.”

“I saw it happen on the six o'clock news, too,” said the Pole, “and I never thought she'd do it
again
at eleven.”

*

A Jew, a Pole, and a black man all died on the same day and went to heaven, where they were warmly greeted by St. Peter. “Good to see you guys,” said St. Peter. “One quick quiz and I’ll be able to formally admit you to heaven.”

“Just a sec,” said the Jew. “Being a Jew, I’ve had it rough all my life, and I'd like to know if I can expect any religious persecution in heaven.”

“Certainly not,” said St. Peter. “Spell
God
.”

“Well, now,” said the Pole, “being Polish, I've been treated like shit, and I'd like to make sure I'm not going to encounter any more of that sort of stuff.”

“No way,” said St. Peter. “Spell
God
.”

“Saint Peter,” said the third man, “as you can see, I'm black, and I’ve had to endure a lot of prejudice in my life. Can I expect any more of that in heaven?”

“Of course not,” said St. Peter. “Spell
chrysanthemum
.”

Did you hear about the Polish lesbian?

She likes men.

*

What do you call a Jewish homosexual?

He-blew.

What do you call an Irish homosexual?

Gay-lick.

What do you call a Chinese homosexual?

Chew-man-chew.

What do you call an Italian homosexual?

A Guinea cocksucker.

*

A gay riding along in the subway saw a good-looking man sitting opposite him and was instantly smitten. Following him out of the station, he trailed him into an office building and up to an office. What luck! The man was a proctologist, and he signed up for an appointment. But when the examination progressed, the gay's squeals of evident pleasure infuriated the doctor. His job was to cure illnesses, not to titillate, and making that perfectly clear, he tossed the gay guy out.

The gay, however, was really in love and soon telephoned the doctor's office again, claiming a genuine medical problem and insisting on his services. The doctor reluctantly consented to another office visit. Examining the man, he was astonished to find a long green stem, thorns attached, and then another, then another.

“My God,” the doctor cried, “you've got a dozen red roses up your ass! Now I warned you, I’m a reputable doctor. Are you up to the same old tricks again?”

“Read the card,” gasped the gay, “read the card!”

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Two gay guys were talking when one leaned over and said to the other, “You know, I just got circumcised two weeks ago.”

“How wonderful,” gasped his friend. “You must let me see it.”

The first man obliged, pulling down his pants and proudly displaying his cock.

“Ooooh!” shrieked his friend. “You look ten years younger!”

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How do you fit four fags at a crowded bar?