Trouble According to Humphrey (14 page)

“GOOD-GOOD-GOOD,” I said, and when he opened the thermos, the coffee smelled yummy, even though it isn’t something hamsters usually drink. I was glad I didn’t have to launch another unsanitary spitball that night.

The next morning, it was pouring rain. March was still coming in like a lion, just like Seth’s grandma Dot had said. When Mrs. Brisbane took attendance, no one answered when she called, “Mandy Payne,” “Art Patel” or “Heidi Hopper.” None of them had shown up for school!

From time to time, one of my fellow students missed a class or two because of the sniffles or a cough, but on the whole, we had a healthy class and this was the first time three students were sick at the same time.

Mrs. Brisbane made sure that the Homework Monitor,
who was A.J., wrote down all the assignments to send home to them.

I spent most of the morning watching the rain drip down the windows, making everything outside—the trees, the street, the passing cars—look blurry. It was too wet for my friends to go outside for recess, so they stayed inside and worked on Humphreyville.

When lunchtime came, my friends raced out of class as usual. Mrs. Brisbane was preparing to go to lunch herself when Mr. Morales entered. He was wearing a tie that had all the letters of the alphabet on it in bright colors.

“Sue, can you talk for a minute?” he asked. Sue is Mrs. Brisbane’s first name. Most students don’t even know their teachers have first names.

“Of course. Have a seat,” Mrs. Brisbane told him.

“I don’t want to take up too much of your time, but I have to tell you, I’ve had a complaint from a parent.”

Mrs. Brisbane was surprised. “Who’s that?”

“Mrs. Payne. Apparently Mandy and her whole family are sick. Coughs, runny noses, watery eyes. And she blames it all on … Humphrey.”

Blames … me? I felt as if all the air was being sucked out of me.

Mrs. Brisbane was as surprised as I was. “Humphrey! Why on earth would she think that?”

“Well, he spent the weekend at their house and now they’re all sick.”

“So are Art and Heidi … and the weather has been
horrible. Goodness, I think I’ve had
fewer
absences this winter than usual.”

“I believe you, but she’s pretty angry. She doesn’t think the kids should have to clean his dirty cage. She’s called some of the other parents. She even threatened to start a petition to get all classroom pets banned!”

Banned! My whiskers drooped and my heart was heavy.

“BOING!” Og burst out. I guess he realized he was a classroom pet, too.

“That’s ridiculous. Just because her children have colds …”

“Mrs. Payne says her children are never sick. She said she’s going to the school board and expects all their medical costs to be paid.”

Now Mrs. Brisbane was getting angry. “Paid by whom … Humphrey? You’ve had him in your house. I’ve had him in my house. We didn’t get sick.”

“I’m on your side, but I have to respond to her. I’ll compare the attendance records from last year to this year to see if there’s any difference. You could check to see if any of the other students have gotten sick after Humphrey’s been at their houses. And I’ll talk to the other teachers who have classroom pets.”

“Yes, those guinea pigs in Room Fourteen,” said Mrs. Brisbane. “And the frog in Angie Loomis’s class. And there are rabbits in Mr. Olinsky’s class. Oh, but the children love to have Humphrey come home with them! The parents love him, too.”

“Except for the Paynes.”

Mrs. Brisbane got very quiet. She was thinking of something. And I don’t think it was something good.

“Art Patel is absent today and he had Humphrey at his house last weekend. I’ll call his mother and see what’s wrong with him.”

“Good idea. And for now …” Principal Morales stopped and glanced over at Og and me. “Maybe you’d better keep Humphrey at your house. Og, too. Mrs. Payne was pretty upset. She even said she might call a lawyer.”

A lawyer! Was I going to end up in court? Or in jail?

This wasn’t just Trouble with a capital T.

This was TOTAL DISASTER with a capital everything!

For the rest of the day, I stared through the bars of my cage and imagined myself looking through another set of bars: the bars on a jail cell. Would Og end up in there with me, too? After all, he was a classroom pet, although he didn’t go home with students on the weekend.

At the end of the day, Principal Morales helped Mrs. Brisbane cover my cage and carry Og and me out to the car. Thank goodness the rain had stopped. They brought along our food, including Og’s icky, yucky crickets. Luckily it was cold, so they were quiet in the car.

“I’m really sorry about this, Sue,” the principal told Mrs. Brisbane through the car window.

“My husband will be thrilled to have these two home with him. But I’m afraid my students will be very disappointed.”

VERY-VERY-VERY, I thought.

“I’ll try to get this resolved as soon as possible,” Mr. Morales promised.

Mrs. Brisbane thanked him and rolled up the window. Soon, we were on our way to her house—but for how long?

Just as she’d said, Mr. Brisbane was really glad to see us. Mrs. Brisbane honked the horn and he came out to the driveway in his wheelchair to meet her, even though it was extremely cold.

“Put Humphrey’s cage right here across the armrests,” he told his wife. “I’ll come back and get Og.”

“Okay. I’ll bring in the food.”

Soon, Og and I were side by side on the Brisbanes’ wide coffee table. It was warm and cozy in their house, and before long, Mr. Brisbane had everything in my cage and Og’s house in tip-top shape. Mrs. Brisbane came in with steaming cups of tea and the two of them sat and watched us as they drank it.

“This Payne family sounds like a nuisance,” said Mr. Brisbane.

“I don’t know much about them. Mandy complains a lot, but she’s a nice girl. I think it’s a habit she’s picked up.”

“Maybe she has a lot to complain about,” Mr. Brisbane said.

“YES-YES-YES!” I said, hopping on my wheel and spinning to get their attention.

“Whatever their problems are, they don’t have to take them out on Humphrey, do they, buddy?” Mr. Brisbane wiggled a finger through the bars of my cage.

Mrs. Brisbane picked up the phone and called Art’s mother.

“I’m checking to see how Art is doing,” I heard her say. “We missed him in school.”

I would have loved to hear what Mrs. Patel was saying. Mrs. Brisbane said, “Oh,” and “I’m sorry,” and “What did the doctor say?” She listened and then said, “Did Art show any signs of illness right after Humphrey was there?”

I held my breath while she waited for Mrs. Patel to answer.

“This is private, but since you’re a room mother, I’ll tell you that a parent has complained that having Humphrey at her house made her whole family sick. He and Og are temporarily banned from the classroom.”

Art’s mom answered so loudly, even I could hear her say, “That’s ridiculous!”

“I know, Mrs. Patel, but we have to check this out. No, I can’t tell you who it is. A number of students were absent today. I’ll let you know. And I think you should keep Art home another day.”

After a polite good-bye, Mrs. Brisbane hung up and turned to her husband.

“He has a bad cold. Her husband got it first. Everyone in his office has had it.”

“Well, they didn’t catch it from Humphrey,” Mr. Brisbane said, setting his cup down hard.

“No. She was terribly upset. You can imagine how the children will feel. I’ll call the Hoppers.”

After a short talk with Heidi’s mother, Mrs. Brisbane told her husband that Heidi also had a bad cold, but that she had gotten soaked in the rain two days before.

“Humphrey had nothing to do with that. He hasn’t even been to her house,” Mr. Brisbane insisted.

“You know, I think I’ll make another call … to the Paynes.”

“The Paynes! I wouldn’t talk to that pack of troublemakers.”

“Now, Bert. You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, you know.”

Sometimes humans say the strangest things. Why was she calling the Paynes about catching flies? Og might be interested, but not me!

“That is a silly expression, if you don’t mind me saying so, dear,” said Mr. Brisbane.

Mrs. Brisbane laughed. “You’re right. I’ve never understood why anyone would want to catch flies.”

“Except a baseball outfielder.” Bert laughed at this joke and so did his wife, although I didn’t understand it at all. Of course, I’d never been to a baseball game.

Before I could figure it out, Mrs. Brisbane decided to call the Paynes. I held my breath again while she waited
for someone to pick up. “Hello, is this Mr. Payne? This is Mrs. Brisbane, Mandy’s teacher. How is Mandy feeling?”

She and Mr. Payne had a long exchange about Mandy’s health and the health of Tammy, Pammy and Brian. Then she said, “Well, I certainly hope Mandy will be back in the classroom soon. We all miss her.”

She paused to listen for a while longer. “The animals are home with me and we’re looking into it. Please give Mandy my best. By the way, is Mrs. Payne there? I’d like to talk to her.”

Mr. Payne gave a short answer this time. “I see. Well, please tell her I called. Thank you. Good-bye.”

Mrs. Brisbane hung up the phone and took a long sip of tea.

“What did he say?” Mr. Brisbane was not a patient man. At that moment, I was not a very patient hamster.

“It sounds as if they all have colds, like Art. When I asked about Mrs. Payne, I learned something new. Mrs. Payne works at night.”

“That could be hard on the family,” said Mr. Brisbane.

I had to squeak up. “It IS-IS-IS! Especially since Mr. Payne lost his job.”

Mr. and Mrs. Brisbane burst out laughing. “I think Humphrey is trying to tell us something.”

Mrs. Brisbane became more serious. “I wish we could understand him. After all, he spent a whole weekend there. I’ll bet he could tell us a lot.”

Boy, was she right. I could write a book about the Paynes! (If I only had room left in my notebook.)

It was pleasant at the Brisbanes’ house. They took me out of my cage and made a maze for me to run on the floor, but my heart wasn’t in it. About the second time around, the phone rang and Mrs. Brisbane answered. “Aldo! Is everything all right?”

She listened for a few seconds, then replied, “Sorry. I should have left a note for you. Of course you’d be worried. No, I have Humphrey and Og here for a while. Frankly, there was a complaint about Humphrey making one of the students sick, but please don’t tell anyone, not even Richie’s family. I don’t know how long they’ll be here.” She laughed. “I will definitely give them your regards.”

Once she hung up, Mrs. Brisbane told Og and me that Aldo missed us.

“How did he happen to have our number?” Mr. Brisbane asked.

“I gave it to him when he was trying to decide to go back to school, in case he had any questions. He’s going to make a great teacher.”

Yes, Aldo would make a great teacher unless he fell asleep on the job. And now I wasn’t there to wake him up if he was tired. I hoped he had a lot of coffee with him.

When she was ready to go to bed, Mrs. Brisbane brought me a slice of apple, but it didn’t appeal to me.

“I’m not hungry, are you, Og?” I asked my friend a little later.

“BOING!” he answered.

For the rest of the night he was quiet. The crickets were quiet. I was quiet, too. My brain wasn’t quiet, though, as I thought about the next day, when I would be absent from class for the very first time.