Trading Up (48 page)

“I’ve heard you tell world-renowned movie directors how to direct their next picture,” he continued. “I’ve heard you tell producers who they should cast, and 18947_ch01.qxd 4/14/03 11:24 PM Page 257

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businessmen how to run their businesses. And all this without an achievement or an accomplishment, not one, under your belt . . .”

“So you’re saying that I’m not entitled to my opinions, just because I haven’t had the same advantages as everyone else?”

“It’s not about advantages,” he said, spinning around and pointing his finger at her. “It’s about hard fucking work and putting yourself on the line, risking failure, again and again.” He paused, took a deep breath, and continued. “Oh, I don’t care what you say to your silly friends or that coterie of men you’ve slept with who follow you around. But when you’re dealing with my associates, people who have spent their entire lives trying to accomplish something . . .” She gave a short laugh. “Really, Selden? You’re saying that Mimi and George are silly? And I think this idea of yours of a coterie of men I’ve slept with . . .”

“All I’m saying is to take a backseat in some of these discussions. Why are you always pushing yourself forward? Try being an acolyte for a change. Shut up and you might find that you actually learn something!” They stared at each other in mutual hatred, and Janey wondered bitterly how it was that she was able to be just that—an acolyte—to all of the other rich and powerful men she knew, and yet she was unable to be that way with her own husband.

It was true, she thought suddenly—she didn’t respect him. Had she ever? But this idea was so horrifying to her that she knew instinctually that she must turn it around so that she was the victim.

“I can see what this is about, Selden,” she said, her lip trembling as if she were about to cry. “You don’t want me to grow or change. It threatens you. But as a matter of fact, I’ve always been this way. I’ve always worked at improving myself and trying to do something with my life. If you think I’m going to sit by your side like some little mouse, you’re sorely mistaken. And if my behavior makes you uncomfortable, then I’d like to suggest that it’s
your
problem and
your
insecurity. How dare you lay it on me!” And with that she burst into tears and ran into the bedroom.

When he came to bed about an hour later, she pretended to be asleep. After a while, she heard his gentle snoring, but she lay awake for hours. Her pride battled her cynicism, with pride urging divorce and cynicism pointing out that no matter how awful Selden was, she didn’t want to go back to the life she’d had. Eventually she fell asleep, and woke to the sound of the shower, feeling exhausted.

He came into the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He sat down on the edge of the bed, combing his hair back and twisting his body toward hers. “Listen,” he said. She thought he was going to apologize, the way he usually did after a fight, but instead he said, “I just don’t think we should ever . . . fight like that again, okay?”

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It wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but she smiled up at him resignedly. He leaned over and gave her a brief kiss on the lips. “I’ll see you later, okay?” he asked.

“Okay,” she said with a mournful sigh.

“Come on, Janey. Don’t be ridiculous,” Mimi said, two days later. “George is exactly the same way. Didn’t anybody ever tell you that all husbands are alike?” They were lunching at Dingo’s in an atmosphere that seemed as weary as the long New York winter. “Oh yes,” Mimi went on with a malicious gleam in her eyes.

“It’s one of the great disappointments in life, along with having children. You always think that you’re marrying an individual, a man you’ve chosen above all the others. And when you finally get there, what you discover is that you’ve married a type. ‘The marrying man.’ And when it comes right down to it my dear, one husband is no better or worse than any other husband. In fact, there are times when I think they’re completely interchangeable!”

Janey looked at Mimi and gave her a wan smile. Ever since Zizi had dumped her, Mimi had changed, Janey thought. She’d become bitter—one of those forty-something women who are angry because their lives didn’t turn out the way they expected. She had everything, but her sour attitude implied that she’d somehow been cheated, and once again, Janey reminded herself that, no matter what happened, she mustn’t turn out like Mimi . . .

“Really, Mimi,” Janey said, nervously twisting her engagement ring as if it were a sign of bondage and not love, “I don’t mind if Selden is like other husbands, it’s the disrespect I can’t stand. How dare he?”

“Disrespect is part of the package,” Mimi said with a shrug. “The day a man marries you, a part of him loses respect for you because of the very fact that you
did
marry him—he knows his flaws and thinks his wife’s a fool for putting up with them.”

“But he’s trying to break me down!” Janey cried.

“Is he?” Mimi asked. “He doesn’t think so, in any case. He thinks he’s assert-ing his rights as a husband. Which, my dear, unfortunately include telling you what to do.”

“George doesn’t tell you what to do,” Janey pointed out slyly. Ever since she’d begun having meetings with George about
The Embarrassments
project, her admiration for him had grown. He was always in a good mood, and they seemed to spend half of their time together laughing . . .

“Of course he does,” Mimi snapped, frowning. “George is terribly bossy, and I expect Selden is as well. But if they weren’t bossy, they wouldn’t be as successful as they are, and we never would have married them in the first place.” Mimi fixed Janey with a gimlet eye and continued, “The difference is, when George gets to be 18947_ch01.qxd 4/14/03 11:24 PM Page 259

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too much, I gently correct him. It’s a bad idea to go head-to-head with these types of men—you’ll always lose. Once they start arguing, their egos demand that they win at any cost, and they’ll say or do anything to achieve that end. Oh, I know you’re tough, Janey,” she said with a little laugh. “But believe me, you’re not that tough. If you were, you wouldn’t be married. You’d be the CEO of a corporation or running a movie studio.”

“A woman ought to be able to be married
and
be a CEO!” Janey lashed out.

But Mimi merely smiled and said, “Ought to, yes. But can you name one? The fact is, there aren’t any—or not more than two or three, in any case. Most powerful men won’t tolerate that kind of toughness in a woman. They marry to get away from it.”

“But I’m not being tough,” Janey insisted. “All I want is a little respect from Selden. There’s no reason for him to act like I can’t do anything . . .” Mimi raised her eyebrows and laughed. “Janey,” she said patiently. “You’re thirty-three years old. I know you think that’s old, but it’s not. When I was thirty-three, I had huge fantasies about the way my life was going to turn out, too—about what I was going to do and who I was going to marry . . . Oh, I know you’ve got larger aspirations, Janey,” she continued, “but my advice is to take another look at your life. I’d be doing you a disservice as a friend if I didn’t tell you that you’re messing up your marriage. This project you’re trying to do with George, for instance—”

“Why shouldn’t I have a project with George?” Janey asked, quickly cutting her off. She felt a touch of guilt about George, but had no intention of allowing Mimi to guess that there was anything more to their relationship than pure business. Her tone was light, but there was a challenge beneath it. “Mimi, if you’re saying that I shouldn’t have a project with George because he’s your husband, why, you might as well say I shouldn’t have a project with
any
man who’s married. Yes, I am working on a project with George, but he only
happens
to be your husband.” Mimi laughed. “Darling,” she said, touching Janey’s hand, “you’re still not getting it. It doesn’t matter who you work with. The point is that you’re trying to compete with Selden.”

“How much does Selden
know
?” Janey asked, toying with her water glass.

Mimi sighed. “I haven’t said a word and neither, I think, has George. But Selden
will
find out at some point, and when he does, I know he’s going to be angry.”

Janey laughed a little too loudly, as if the whole thing were completely ridiculous. “Why on earth should Selden be angry?” she asked innocently. “If anything, he should be proud.”

Mimi regarded her thoughtfully. “But he won’t be proud, Janey. Don’t you see?

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He’ll feel like you’re trying to undermine him. Trying to show him that you’re just as good as he is, and you’ll be attacking him in an area that really counts—his work.”

“Well, maybe Selden needs to understand that there’s more than one talented person in the marriage,” Janey retorted.

Mimi sighed. “It’s not that he doesn’t think you’re talented, Janey,” she said.

“But if he wanted to be married to someone who did the same thing he does, he would be. He was
already
married to someone in the business, and it didn’t work for him. He wants someone
different
. I’m sure he loves the fact that you have personality and your own opinions, but he also married you because he thought you were a beautiful, sweet girl who was completely sympathetic . . . to
him
. He feels like he rescued you . . .”

“Rescued?
Me?
Did he actually say that . . . ?”

“Not in so many words, but . . . let’s face it, Janey, you didn’t always have the best reputation.”

“And Selden believed that!”

“Of course not. If he did, he wouldn’t have married you.” Mimi turned her head away and sighed. “He felt that the things that people said about you . . . were wrong. And I did, too—I still do, of course. But he thought by marrying you, he was giving you the life you’d always wanted and deserved. And naturally, he thought you wanted to have children, to make a
family
. . .”

“We’ve only been married for six months,” Janey protested.

“All he wants is a little understanding, Janey. Selden wants to feel like you’re proud of his achievements. And if you insist on trying to get into his business, he’ll feel like you don’t think he’s good enough at what he does.”

“Of course I think he’s good enough at what he does,” Janey snapped. She threw her napkin down on the table, shaking with anger. Why was everyone always trying to put her down, to push her back into what they perceived was her “place”—

and suddenly, all of her old insecurities about herself and her abilities came flooding back.

The feeling was both familiar and acutely uncomfortable, for it implied a lack of control that was intolerable to her. These feelings, she knew, could be dangerous; they might drive her to do foolish, hurtful things . . .

And Mimi, thinking about marriage, was reminded of her mother. “There are certain sacrifices, Janey . . . ,” she said kindly. “If you’re not willing to make them, it’s very difficult to succeed at anything . . .” Mimi was probably right, Janey thought, but she was too angry to admit it. “If you’re talking about moving to Connecticut,” she said, “there’s no way I’ll ever do that . . .”

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Mimi gave Janey a look that Janey was convinced was pitying. “I was thinking more about Patty,” she murmured.

Janey glared down at her napkin. Was Mimi deliberately trying to goad her?

Patty was a bit of a sore point and Mimi knew it, simply because Patty had been proved right and Janey wrong. After the Aspen incident—which both Patty and Digger now regarded as one of the huge jokes of their relationship, especially the part about Patty’s going to jail—Marielle Dubrosey had admitted that the baby wasn’t Digger’s. The story had immediately disappeared as if it had never occurred, and Patty and Digger had gone “underground,” keeping mostly to themselves.

However, they still saw Janey and Selden for dinner—Selden seemed to consider their relationship one of his “pet projects”—and Patty always thanked Selden for his help and reminded Janey that she and Digger were now closer than ever. It always set Janey’s teeth on edge, especially as her own relationship wasn’t everything it should have been . . .

But she wasn’t the only one, Janey thought now, looking at Mimi. Recalling that afternoon with Zizi, she thought harshly that Mimi was a fool. She was looking particularly tired these days—it was as if her beauty had simply given up, and it was so sad . . . But maybe that was to be expected. After all, Janey thought, all Mimi
really
had in her life was George. And if George’s recent behavior toward Janey was any indication, it was entirely possible that soon, Mimi might not even have George to comfort her . . .

Janey bit her lip and lifted her gloved hand, tracing a line of rain that was running down the window of the plane. In the two weeks following that lunch with Mimi, she had done some things. Not terrible things, exactly, but things that were best not thought of again, at least not for the moment.

In the spacious seat across the aisle, Mimi was unbuckling her seat belt.

“Finally!” she cried. “It’s wonderful having your own plane, but I do miss the Con-corde.” She stretched, and turning to Janey exclaimed, “Don’t you just
love
Paris!” Janey smiled indulgently. Unlike, it seemed, everyone else in the world, she didn’t necessarily love Paris—it held too many disturbing memories. But she was glad to see Mimi happy: Ever since Mimi had mentioned the trip, her attitude had changed completely. She was like the old Mimi, Janey thought, full of energy and kindness, and she even looked like her old self. As if awakening from a brief hiber-nation, Mimi’s beauty had returned in force: her face was smooth and glowing, and she’d cut her hair so that it formed soft waves around her face, giving her a look reminiscent of a fifties movie star.

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