Touching the Surface (18 page)

“I’ll make them understand.” He stood tall, with his arms crossed like Superman.

I couldn’t tell whether she believed him or not, but something changed. I wondered, was it determination or resignation?

•  •  •

The Delve was switching again, and I was moving back into my memories. I had mixed emotions about this. I wouldn’t have to see myself anymore, but now I could feel everything. And I was battered.

Trevor was holding my hand, but even though there wasn’t anyone else in the parking lot, I self-consciously pulled away from his touch.

He reached for my fingers again, but I shook him off.

“I don’t care what anyone else thinks. No one’s even here yet.” He had a little frown on his face.

“Maybe so, but let’s do it this way anyway, okay?”

“Sure. Whatever makes this easier for you.”

We walked across the empty parking lot. Behind the school, I could see the mountains that I’d used as a refuge over the last couple of months. I could feel their pull. I craved the safety of the trees, the freedom of standing in the sweet space between heaven and earth, the wind whipping away my sins. I stared at the upper peak and saw low dark clouds rolling in. It was going to storm.

Trevor and I walked on and I sucked in my breath as I crossed the threshold of the school. It took a moment to adjust to the dim light in the main hallway. Trevor was silent, most likely letting me get my bearings. When I was ready, we moved side by side down the hall, feet echoing in the quiet.

He checked the slip of paper in his hand. “Let’s stop at my locker first, it’s right down here.” He pointed to the left. “Then we can walk down to your locker, put your things away, and I can take you to your homeroom.”

My head nodded in agreement, but it might have done the same thing if Trevor had suggested that we dress like chickens and run through the school clucking at the top of our lungs.

By the time we reached Trevor’s locker there was a small trickling of early birds infiltrating the school. Even though they were way down the hall, I noticed he deliberately used his body to shield me, giving me extra moments unseen.

He closed his locker door, jiggling the lock to make sure that everything
was shut tight. “All right, I’m set here. Should we head over to your locker now?”

I shrugged.

Trevor deliberately took a cheerful tone and ignored my ambivalence. “Let’s get you set up.”

He grabbed my fingers, his large hand swallowing mine. This time he didn’t give me the option to let go. Instead he guided me through the maze of hallways to my locker.

By now the school was becoming busy, and even though we were connected, I floated behind Trevor like I was riding in his jet stream. If he stopped moving I was sure I would drop like a rock. When we reached our destination, I leaned my forehead against the cool, smooth metal. Voices ricocheted around me and I felt as if I were trapped in the middle of a pinball machine.
_el qui

“Hey, Trev, good to see ya. How was your summer?”

“Trev!”

“Yo, Lowry. You doin’ okay, man? You didn’t return my calls.”

“Dude, where you been all summer?” came the chorus of voices as people spotted Trevor. Everyone was working extra hard to avoid the tragedy. I was sure everything had been said over and over again at the service anyway. The whole school would have been there because everyone loved Oliver—he was like that. Some kind of golden boy who mesmerized the lot of us. Even Cari and I’d talked about him being the perfect boyfriend, doodled his name next to ours. We’d never talked about Trevor. Knowing him now, it was hard to believe that I hadn’t been aware of Trevor, hadn’t loved him before. If it wasn’t for Oliver, I
might not have ever come in contact with him. A chill ran up my spine.

The voices that filled the hall smashed into me like an air bag. If Trevor wasn’t popular before, he was certainly in the limelight now. With his brother’s death he was now a quasi-public figure. Apparently, no one had noticed me yet. Who would suspect? A bitter laugh bubbled up from deep inside, but I clenched my teeth, ren’t argu

24

already
gone

Like a Secret Service agent, Trevor reacted quickly and hustled me past the shocked crowd. He didn’t give anyone time to respond to what he’d said. Before I could get my bearings, he had me tucked into a seat in my homeroom. People trickled in after us but no one said anything to me. I knew this was disconcerting for everyone—the unwritten rules for hating and judging are pretty clear in high school, and Trevor had just broken a whole bunch of social norms.

I remembered that Cari Taylor, best friend missing in action, would be walking through that door any minute. Alphabetically we always ended up in the same homeroom. Suspecting that someone you love hates you is difficult, but confirmation of it seemed unbearable. I thumbed through the blank pages of my notebook, staring at the empty sheets. Trevor had found a way to love me and he hadn’t even known me. The people who know you should—

Trevor interrupted my thoughts. “Bell’s gonna ring. Maybe I should just
stay here with you?” He scanned the silent room. It seemed as if he would growl at anyone who got too close. Everyone was suspiciously busy, magnetically drawn to anything other than Trevor, but they wanted to peek. I could smell the ugly desire like a stench that hung in the room.

That’s when I saw Cari. She was standing in the doorway, face unreadable.

Despite it all—I wanted. I wanted her and I couldn’t stop.

No matter what, I couldn’t help holding the door to possibility open a crack. If our friendship had died a different death, it might’ve hurt just as much as it did now, but I’d get over it eventually. After everything that had happened, I knew that this was going to break me. It was the wrong piece pulled out of my house of cards.

Witnessing this pathetic version of myself, I shuddered and thought about Julia, a much bigger loss than this twit that I’d called my best friend. Even hating Julia, I could see that what we had was so much stronger than this sham of a friendship. But the old me didn’t have a Julia to compare and contrast. She didn’t know about the to be your Passenger black hiI bit my lip lives and afterlives we’d spent together. Regardless, the death of a friendship hurts. The death of anything just sucks. All of it breaks you and scars you; it’s indiscriminant. There is no easy way to watch something you love die.

“Elliot, do you want me to stay?” Trevor repeated.

Forever,
I whispered to myself.

Looking at him I was filled with love. If it eased him, I could pretend I was standing fearlessly on the mountain. I plastered on a mask of confidence. These wheels were already in motion. There was nothing he could do here.

“I’m fine, Trevor. Cari is just coming in now and you don’t want to miss your first homeroom.” I nodded in the direction of the door.

I watched Trevor search Cari’s face for some indication of friend or foe, but she remained blank.

“All right,” Trevor said, still examining her carefully while talking to me. “I’ll meet you here after first period.”

I watched him just as carefully as he dashed out the door.

Seeing him disappear, I knew instantly that I was alone. The last wisp of hope had fled the room. Then Cari sat down in front of me, continuing to pretend that I was already dead.

•  •  •

The bell rang, surprising me. I hadn’t realized that the class had even started, let alone ended. I glanced up and there was Trevor.

He hugged me tight. I didn’t bother to look around to see what everyone was thinking. I already knew it wouldn’t be good.

“Come on, I’ll walk you to your next class.”

The trek down the hall was peppered with hellos directed at Trevor, but I didn’t think he realized that I wasn’t included in them. I didn’t blame him for not really seeing it. This was at least better than that frozen silence we’d experienced this morning. Near the cafeteria there was a memorial display for Oliver in the glass trophy case. Trevor’s grip tightened as we walked by it. I kept my head down and let him lead wherever it was that he thought I might belong.

“Okay, second period.” He spewed forced cheerfulness.

I laid my palm on his cheek, just wanting to be close. It would be a relief to get lost in him. He leaned down at the same moment that I broke away from his gaze. I felt his lips press gently onto the top of my head before he headed off to class. I was relieved that he hadn’t heard the hiss of disapproval that cut through the air behind me.

•  •  •

I stumbled into second period and saw faces filled with hatred. I couldn’t go in. It was easy to turn and leave. What did it matter? Unable to sit there and wait to be sentenced, I changed directions and walked away from my jury. I gave a sigh of relief.

I moved directly to my locker and turn_i quied my back to the rest of the world. Fingers shaking uncontrollably, I twirled the combination. Three tries later, it still wouldn’t open. It was too much. Did they think I’d killed him on purpose? My fist beat against the door of the locker. I sank to my knees, tears pouring silently down onto the floor.

“Elliot?”

A familiar voice was calling my name.

I wanted.

I wanted her to love me and I couldn’t stop.

I whipped my head around, more of me crumbling to pieces. If bits of me kept breaking off and blowing away there’d be nothing left. Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt anymore.

Standing a few feet away from me was Cari, and she was flanked by the masses.

“What did you do to him?” There was no denying the accusation in her voice. It dripped with disgust. Was she right or was she righteous?

I could feel the explosion—her words rubbing an already raw place. The barrier holding it all in became too thin. I could no longer contain it.

“I killed him! Is that what you want to hear me say?” The moan ripped out of me, breaking off another piece of my soul and carrying it away.

“I know what you did to Oliver.” Cari spat out the words.

She said it like she’d known him, not just known of him. She’d never linked arms with him or grasped his warm, safe hand. She’d never sat and talked with him about how the meaning of life could be found in Yoda’s words of wisdom, while at the same time fighting over the cheesiest nachos on the plate. Every living and dead piece of my soul was wrenching itself apart.

“I want to know what you did to Trevor,” Cari said. She jutted her head forward, but it wasn’t curiosity, it was a malevolent gesture. “Seems like you’re bent on destroying the whole Lowry family in one fell swoop.”

I couldn’t contain the gasp of pain. It was as physical as if she’d kicked me in the stomach. Cari towered over me, as I lay crumpled and broken on the floor, clutching the place where I imagined I used to have a heart.

She shook her head, making her black bob swing back and forth, sharp as a knife. Something was being permanently severed.

My voice was quiet. “We used to be best friends.”

I wanted.

I wanted her to love me and I couldn’t stop the realization that she’d never really loved me at all.

I got to my feet and felt a twinge of pride when I realized my back didn’t have to be to the wall anymore. I could afford to be reckless. It was easy to be dangerous when there was nothing to lose. I now knew that it didn’t matter if Trevor and I found a way to get past our own private disaster. No one was going to allow him to forgive me.
to be your PassengerguhibI

It was out of my control. Everyone had a role to play and Trevor’s role was victim. Mine was the role of the villain. Everything was white and black, with no room for gray.

Like a lightning strike, the moment was illuminated. Trevor loving me was real but that didn’t mean it could ever be more than an illusion.

Cari, done with her glaring, turned to stalk off, a master showman in front of the crowd. It had always been her way, I’d just never chosen to see it.

“Cari.” My voice was strong, dangerous. I didn’t recognize it, but I liked it.

She whipped around in irritation, her dramatic exit interrupted. I stood straight and took a step in her direction. She wasn’t expecting this from me and took a quick step back, perhaps unwilling to be cut by the ragged edges of my broken soul.

“Cari, you are nothing but surface.”