Torn (34 page)

“Ok, if you can set the table,
we’re good to go. Should I go and tell them we’re ready?” I asked.

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt,” Josh
nodded. “She’s got to get used to you being around.”

Nate

“Ma, please stop crying. I’m here,
I came home, just like I always come home.”

“You were with
her
again. I
don’t like her!”

“You don’t know her, you haven’t
even met her, Ma,” I implored.

She was rocking herself, her arms
around her knees, which were pulled to her chest as she huddled on her
armchair. She seemed to be getting worse. She wasn’t washing herself, and her
hair hung like greasy ropes, instead of the beautiful shiny locks that she’d
once took pride in. Her nails, which she used to paint, were bare and bitten to
the quick, looking red and raw. Her skin looked sallow and her eyes and cheeks
were sunken. She’d never been overweight, always slim, but now she almost
looked like a frail famine victim. Alcohol had robbed her of her youthful appearance,
as well as taking the Ma I remembered, the Ma I’d needed when I’d been told Dad
had been killed. I might have been eighteen, but I still wanted someone to wrap
their arms around me, to let me cry, to tell me that it would be ok, that one
day it wouldn’t hurt so much. But no one had been there for me. No one had held
me in a loving embrace as I’d sobbed on their chest.

The emotional part of me just
wanted to go back to the morning he’d left for work, dressed in his pilot’s
uniform, slapping my back as he’d said goodbye while I’d sat at the kitchen
island eating my cereal. Maybe something would change, maybe he’d get stuck in
traffic and the helicopter would have gone without him, crashed without him.
He’d still be alive. I’d still have my dad, one of my best friends, the man I
always turned to for advice or support. Ma wouldn’t have picked up that first
bottle of vodka. They’d still be happily married, ecstatic to discover that I’d
fallen in love and eager to meet Sky, to welcome her with open arms to the
family. The other part of me, the rational part of me, suspected that fate had
a hand in everything. That he was destined to die that day, no matter what. If
not in a helicopter, maybe in a rush hour pile-up on the freeway.

“She’s a really good girl, Ma.
Smart, funny, beautiful. Well, not so smart, since she’s fallen in love with me,”
I chuckled. “But Dad would have loved her, I just know it. Not as much as I do,
but I know he’d have been so happy for me.”

“You love her?” Ma choked. “No,
no, you can’t
love
her. You just can’t.” She shook her head from side to
side as she rocked herself even faster.

“Why not, Ma? Don’t you want me
to be happy? To see me get married and have a family? To give you some
grandchildren? You always said you couldn’t wait for me or Josh to give you a
grandchild.”

“No more change. No. More. Change,”
she wailed, letting go of her knees to clasp her head. I got up from my seated
position on her bed, having just changed her sheets since she didn’t seem to be
doing that anymore, either. I went and crouched in front of her, dipping and
moving my head as she shook hers from side to side, trying to catch her gaze
and make her still.

“Give me your hands, Ma. You know
it calms you to hold my hands. You said it anchors you and makes you feel like
you’re not drifting anymore. I’m your anchor and I’m here for you.”

“Promise you won’t leave me,
Nathan. You’re my baby, my first baby, all grown up. I don’t like change.”

“I know. Come on, give me your
hands. I want you to come and eat dinner with us. It’s my birthday, it would
make me so happy to have you sit at the table for dinner. We could play cards
after, you always liked to play cards with me and Josh, do you remember?”

“Yes,” she sniffed. She slowly
moved her hands toward mine and I captured them and squeezed them.

“We got your favorite. Sweet and
sour pork with lo mein noodles.”

“Did you get vodka?”

“No, Ma. You know the rule.
Right, you didn’t spend Christmas with us, so I don’t think it’s asking too
much that three times a year, you come and celebrate our birthdays by eating
outside of your room.” I decided I wasn’t taking no for an answer. I’d pandered
to her for two years, and while I couldn’t fully comprehend her grief, I knew
how I’d feel if anything happened to Sky, but at some stage you had to keep
living. Ma wasn’t fully living, and by default neither were Josh or I. I pulled
on her hands to haul her up, then put my arm around her to support her as she
wobbled on her feet.

“Don’t make me leave my room,
Nathan, please,” she pleaded.

“Enough, Ma! I’ve had enough. You
either come and eat with us or you go hungry,” I warned. I looked up as there
was a knock on the door and it opened, and inhaled sharply to see Sky stick her
head around it. Ma tensed up immediately, which made me do the same.

“Hi, sorry to interrupt, Josh
asked me to tell you that dinner’s ready. Hello, Mrs. Hudson, I’m Sky. It’s
really nice to meet you.” She turned on that high-wattage smile that melted my
damn heart every time, but both of us jumped as Ma started shrieking.

“Get. Out. Of. My. House! You’re
not welcome here.”

“Ma,” I warned sternly. “This is
Sky, my girlfriend. I told you about her.”

“I don’t care. I want her gone.
Bitch
.
Trying to take my boys away from me.”

“Mrs. Hudson,” Sky stuttered, a
look of hurt crossing her face. “I’d
never
do that.”

“Get her out, Nathan, make her
leave. Make her leave.
Make. Her. Leave
,” Ma screamed as she started
struggling to get away from me.

“Sky, I–” One of Ma’s elbows
struck me right in the ribs, and I bent over and winced, but tightened my
fingers on her waist, trying to keep her at my side. She was screaming
obscenities at Sky and I knew if I let her go, she’d fly at her. “Fuck, Ma,” I
snapped, as this time her elbow caught me right below the eye, making my vision
blur.

She slipped out of my grip and I
had to quickly straighten up and grab the back of her pajamas to haul her backward
as she went for Sky, who’d backed up, her arms wrapped around herself, shaking her
head with a look of disbelief on her face.
Yeah, welcome to my world, baby,
I thought. I pulled Ma’s arms behind her back and slipped mine through them,
securing her as she writhed and screamed, making sure to tip my chin up so she
couldn’t put a reverse head-butt on me like she had once before.

“Nate?” Sky whimpered, looking
helpless and distraught.

“Sky, go!” I snapped, fury
suddenly filling my voice. All thoughts of having a quiet and blissful night
with my girlfriend were suddenly ripped cruelly away from me. There was no way
Ma was calming down now until she was out of sight. The look on Sky’s face as I
lost my temper with her, I’d never forget. She was only trying to help, I knew
that, but she didn’t know us, she was making things worse. I turned around and
kicked the door, slamming it closed and shutting her out as I released Ma and
blocked her attempts to get out of the door. Great,
now
she wanted to
leave her room, the one time I didn’t want her to. She hammered her fists on my
chest and I caught them and yanked her against me, wrapping my arms around her
to hold her and try and calm her. Jesus fucking Christ. I wasn’t sure how much
longer I could do this.

Sky

I stood there feeling stunned and
hurt as I stared at the closed bedroom door and listened to Mrs. Hudson
screaming behind it. My arms were wrapped tightly around my body as I shook my
head in disbelief. This was what Nate and Josh had to deal with every night?
She was out-of-her-mind crazy. I felt my heart break for them both.

“Sky, come on, you don’t need to
hear that,” Josh urged as he put his arm around my shoulder and herded me back
into the lounge. “I’m so sorry, this is my fault. I thought maybe meeting you,
seeing how nice you are, might make things easier.”

“She hurt Nate,” I whispered,
wanting to go back and help him.

“Yeah, she looks frail, but stand
between her and her daily bottle of vodka and she hulks out like you wouldn’t
believe. He’ll be ok, he’s used to handling her like this. He’s much better
with her than I am.”

“Shouldn’t we do something to
help?” I urged, looking back to the hallway where I could still hear her
ranting.

“No, best to give them space.
He’ll come out when she’s calm, but sounds like it might be a few hours.
There’s nothing you can do, why don’t we just eat?” he suggested.

“I can’t,” I replied, shaking my
head vehemently. “It’s Nate’s birthday dinner, I can’t sit and eat without him,
not when he’s dealing with … I had no idea she was so bad.”

“Me neither, until recently,”
Josh sighed as he parked his ass on the back of the sofa. “He’s always handled
her, always downplayed it.”

“Can’t you get help for her?”

“We don’t have insurance. I think
the only way to pay for her care would be to sell the house. I know Nate
doesn’t want to do that, it’s the only place she wants to be, but I don’t know
if we’re gonna have a choice. He’s so damn stubborn, he insisted he could
handle it and refused to consider any alternatives.”

“My mom works in healthcare, at
the Las Vegas University Medical Center. I’ll talk to her, if that’s ok? I’m
sure there must be some services available to people in crisis or struggling.”

“Thanks,” Josh nodded, and his
eyes filled with tears, making my heart ache. He quickly dropped his head,
embarrassed for me to see him like that. I quickly positioned myself between
his spread legs and wrapped him in a tight embrace. “She didn’t used to be like
this, Sky. I
miss
her.” His voice cracked and I felt his shoulders jerk
as he let go and started to sob.

I rested my cheek on top of his
head and stroked his hair as I held him. I didn’t know what else to do. Not
being a crier, I didn’t know if he’d want to be left alone or held. He answered
my silent question for me as he enveloped me in his arms. How had they lived
like this for so long? I’d known she wasn’t well, but neither of them had let
me know the full extent of it. I suddenly felt angry. Angry at her for not being
a mother, for forcing them to take care of her, instead of the other way
around, the way it was supposed to be. But I was also angry at Nate for not
letting me in, not sharing the burden he was carrying on top of everything
else. What good was I as a girlfriend if I couldn’t help him? Some twenty-first
birthday, spending his night getting verbally and physically abused while I was
out here powerless to do anything to help.

When Josh pulled himself
together, with me reassuring him that he had nothing to be ashamed of and that
I wouldn’t tell anyone that he’d shed some tears, he wolfed down some of the Chinese.
I covered the remaining plates and put them in the refrigerator. We settled on
the sofa to play on the Xbox and take our minds off whatever was happening back
in that room. I started getting restless when Nate hadn’t come out at
eleven-thirty. Pops had made it clear I needed to be home by midnight and I
didn’t want to disappoint him, but I didn’t want to leave without seeing if
Nate was ok. There was no way I was sticking my head around that door again,
and when I voiced my concerns to Josh, he didn’t want to either, saying even he
could make things worse when Nate had just spent hours calming her down. I felt
awful calling for a cab to take me home, but Josh said it was for the best. I
felt empty inside. Walking away from Nate without so much as a hug or kiss was
a horrible feeling, and I was sure he was in even more need of comfort than me
right now.