To Probe A Beating Heart (8 page)

             
They all looked for a few minutes each went in a different direction, Averell went toward where he knew it was and pushed some bushes aside,               “Nothing here.”

             
A few minutes later Frank said, “You’re hearing things, let’s get some cigs’, Hey Danker, last chance?”

             
“No, maybe some other time.”

             
The boys left and Averell went to the trap. A squirrel sat there looking exhausted and skittish. Averell picked up the cage and took it back to the camp fire circle. He emptied his probes on a tree stump and painstakingly selected the one he wanted. He placed it where he thought it could go through without causing the squirrel to die. He pushed and the squirrel barked at him, he pushed harder and the probe broke the skin and entered the squirrel’s chest cavity. He slowed the probe and picked up another one. He set it at the connection of the front arm to the chest and pushed. The squirrel felt this one more than the first. Averell was enjoying the squirrels eyes when his probe hit something and blood spurted out of the wound. The squirrel thrashed and stopped moving. It had stopped breathing and was dead.

             
“Very disappointing,” said Averell, “I wanted this to last longer.”

             
“Yes much longer,”
agreed Stelian.

             
He decided that he had to learn more about how things were built. How a squirrel was put together so that he could probe the animal without causing it to die, at least not until he was ready. He wanted to be able to avoid hitting a vein or a vital organ and end his fun session. He wondered where he could find a book that would tell him that. Then he remembered going to a library with Allen. The library was his answer.

             
Over the next three weeks Averell got up in the morning and did a few chores, the house was constantly in order, the windows were clean, the floor was swept and the grass was cut without Ellie saying anything. She began to leave him alone to do as he wished. When he went out, she did not question where he was going, she let him go. If he came home late, she said nothing. Averell was in charge of his own life and he enjoyed it. Night time was Averell’s chance to think about the woods, his probes, the library, anything he wanted to think about, he could at night, without interruption. Almost.

             
“I know what you’re thinking,”
said Stelian.

             
Averell often turned out the lights and lay in bed thinking, Ellie would assume that he was asleep, and Sarah was generally already sleeping. He was in charge of his thought time. He imagined many things as any young boy might. Driving a car, graduating from high school, getting a job, moving away from Ellie and Sarah, spending more time in the woods. He thought about girls his own age only once in a while and he did not dwell on them. They were interesting, but at the same time more annoying than fun. He thought about using his probes on different animals. He thought  about using them on Ellie. He thought about using them on Sarah.

             
On a very hot July night, Averell was laying on his bed imagining using his probes on Sarah, he could not sleep, his room was very warm and he was soaked with sweat. He got out of bed looked at his alarm clock, it was 2:35 in the morning, and went in to the bathroom, took a small towel and soaked it with cold water. He wiped himself off from head to toe, it cooled him down and he was walking back to his room when he looked at Ellie’s bedroom door, it was open and a fan was blowing air around her room. Averell looked in, she was asleep, alone and asleep. He turned and went to Sarah’s room. Her door was open, a fan was blowing air around her room and she was asleep. Averell went back to his room and sat on the edge of his bed. “I wish that I had a fan.”

             
“Take the one from Sarah’s room,”
suggested Stelian.

             
Averell opened his bag of probes and selected one, a longer one with a good handle. He held it in his hand and went back to Ellie’s room. “I would like to push this probe through your eye,” he thought.

             
“We could kill them both, tonight,”
said Stelian.

             
Averell stood there staring at Ellie for a long time, thinking, debating, longing to use his probe, but deciding not to. He turned and went back to his room. It was after 3:00 am.

             
“We could kill them both and say somebody broke into the house and did it. We could go out the window and hide on the roof,”
said Stelian.

             
“No, they would know. Too risky.” He laid down on his bed and

thought about killing them both and finally he fell asleep.

             
Every time Sarah heard Ellie say it, she repeated it to Averell, “mommy hates you,” and Ellie said it often. Sarah enjoyed saying it and started to say it when it fit her want. Each time he heard those words, Averell thought more and more about using his probes on Ellie and Sarah, but the opportunity did not present itself again as it had that July night.

             
The tension in the house between Ellie and Averell lessened every day that Averell continued with his plan and soon there was a calm, a calm that they both understood. The hatred was mutual and they both knew it, but Averell was in control of himself and he kept that control by constantly doing things that she then did not have to do. Ellie could go out for an evening and come home to a clean house, cleaner than when she left and she knew that Charlotte was too busy with her boy friend’s to have done anything. Averell did not ask for anything in return, he seemed to be happy to simply be left alone and in charge of his own world.

             
Averell knew that Ellie left money on the kitchen table frequently only to put it away later. He decided to try something, Ellie put several bills and some change on the table and left the room. Averell took two one dollar bills from the pile and put them under the table and left the room. When Ellie returned later in the day and picked up the money to put it away, she thought it was more, but gave it little thought and put it in her purse, not realizing that it was two dollars short. She looked around the room and saw Averell sitting in the living room looking back at her. She wondered what he was doing, what he was thinking, but let it go unchallenged. She put her wallet in her purse. Then walked out of the room.

             
Averell waited for Charlotte to arrive and Ellie to leave and he went back into the kitchen and retrieved the two dollar bills he had placed under the table. He sat down in the living room and watched television until it was time for Sarah to go to bed. Then after Charlotte’s boy friend arrived and they disappeared into Ellie’s room, Averell walked out of the house and down to the woods. He sat on a log and was thinking.

             
“We could catch a rabbit or a squirrel,”
suggested Stelian.

             
“No not tonight, I have to think. I need a plan,” said Averell.

             
As he sat there, three of the boys showed up with some cigarettes.

Averell had started a fire and was absorbed in thought when he was startled
by their arrival.

             
“Hey, Danker, ain’t it past your beddy time?” asked Tom.

             
“I toll you guys to cool it with Danker, he’s okay” said Frank.

             
“Actually I don’t have a beddy time, I’m allowed to do pretty much as I please” said Averell.

             
“Well ain’t you hot stuff?” said George.

             
“Yeah, kinda,” said Averell.

             
At that all four laughed. “You’re alright Danker” said Frank as he dug              out a handful of cigarettes. “Want one?”

             
“Why not?” said Averell and Frank handed him a cigarette.               “Where’s Don?”

             
“He’s in trouble with his folks,” said Tom, “they told him to do

somethin’ an’ he argued with ‘em. So he got grounded.”

              “Yeah and his dad probably slapped him around too,” said George.

             
“He talks?” asked Averell.

             
“Oh yeah, he don’t say much, but when he opens up, look out,” said Frank.

              All three laughed and Frank put the cigarettes on a log.

             
“Ever had one before?” said Frank, “Straight up kid, if you have, that’s okay. If not, that’s okay too.”

             
“Well, not really, but I have wanted to try one.”

             
“Okay, here’s what you do, DO NOT inhale at first. Suck a little

smoke into your mouth and blow it out. Do that a few times and then

inhale a little bit, a very little bit. You’ll catch on.”

             
Averell lit his cigarette and did as Frank told him, after a little while he took a very small drag and breathed it in, and immediately blew it out. A little cough, and he was ready to try it again.

             
“That’s it Danker, little drags. You’re doin’ good,” said Tom.

             
“Yeah, real good,”
said Stelian sarcastically.

             
“One’s your limit today, Danker. Maybe next time we see you here

you can do two cigs” said Frank.

              “Yeah, we don’t want you should get addicted,” said George.

             
Averell looked at Frank and said, “You know where the library is?”

             
“Yeah,” said Frank, “You wanna’ go there, in the summertime, when we ain’t in school?”

             
“Yeah, I want to check out some stuff about bleeding,” said Averell.

             
“Like what?” asked Frank.

             
“Like where can I cut someone and not make them bleed a lot,” said Averell.

             
“Hey, who you gonna’ kill?” asked Tom, “one of us?”

             
“No, no, I watched a movie and somebody said in movie, ‘cut him

where he won’t bleed.’”

              “I saw that flick, lots’a blood and guts.” said Tom, “Let’s go to the

library and check it out.”

              “It’s too late, we could go tomorrow,” said Frank.

             
“You can show me the way?,” asked Averell.

             
“Sure, no problem.”

The next day Averell met Frank in the woods, “Where are the others?”

asked Averell.

“They don’t want to go, cause I told them that they would have to

read a whole book in a week if they did go.”

             
“No you don’t,” said Averell.

             
“See kid, you knew that, they didn’t, that’s what I like about you.

Smart.”

              “And Tom, and George?”

             
“Dumber than a pair of rocks in a bucket, genuine stupid. Let’s get

goin. We gotta’ take the bus or we could walk, but that would take a long
time. You got any money for the bus?”

             
“I have two dollars, see,” and he showed Frank the money.

             
“Naw, keep it, they usually want exact change, I’ll cover you and we can even up later.”

             
The two walked to the main street about two blocks away and caught the east bound bus. “So, smart guy, what bus you gonna’ catch to get back home?”

             
“The one that goes that way,” he said pointing to where they came

from.

              “Yeah, that’ll be the west bound bus, okay.?”

             
“Yep, okay” Averell was having fun.

* * *

CHAPTER EIGHT

Have you ever heard voices . . .

The library was much as Averell remembered it, large, full of books and quiet, very quiet. They went to the Information Desk and Frank said he was showing his little cousin what a library was like. He asked the librarian about the human body and for a reference book on what the main organs and veins and stuff were. She took them to the reference section and they started poring through the pictures and drawings of the body.

             
“There’s a lot of stuff here” said Averell, “I can’t remember it all.”

             
“You can borrow books from a library, take ‘em home for a week or two and bring ‘em back,” said Frank, “All you need is a library card, do you have one?”

             
“No, how do I get one?”

             
“You get your mom to come down here with you and she has to sign a paper and you give them some info on you and bingo, they mail you a card.”

             
Averell looked disappointed. “Okay.”

             
“What, I told you, get your mom—.”

             
“That’s the problem, her, she is a definite problem. She doesn’t like me and won’t do anything for me.”

             
“Oh, okay, then we can do this a different way. Just let me do the

talking, okay?”

              “Yeah, okay.”

             
The two boys went back to the main desk and Frank spoke to the librarian. “Excuse me miss,” he said in a much more refined voice, “My cousin would like to apply for a library card. His mom is down in the car with a sprained ankle so I brought him up here. What do we need to do?”

             
The librarian helped them fill out the application and said they should have mom drop it off after she signs it. Frank said, “ she’s down in the car, I can run it down to her and come right back with it signed?”

             
“Well, yes why not, sure, yes.” The librarian was pleased to see two young boys so interested in the library.

             
Frank told Averell to stay put, he’d be right back. He borrowed a pen from the librarian and ran down the stairs and out to the parking lot. He walked to an area that was not in view of the security camera or a window and pulled the pen from his pocket. He leaned up against the wall and scribbled ‘Ellie Danker’ on the form. He had done this a number of times before, forging his own mother’s signature. He went back up to the desk area and said, “She signed it, here.”

             
The librarian gave Averell a paper card and told him to look for the permanent card in the mail in about a week or two. The boys walked out of the library with two books that Averell borrowed. Frank had explained how it worked and Averell seemed to grasp it all. Frank was a nice guy and Averell decided to trust him with a question.

             
“Frank, can I ask you something and you won’t think I’m crazy?” as he asked the question he knew that it already sounded a little crazy.

             
“Sure,” said Frank, “Hey, I hang out with the three of the dumbest

meatballs this side of the big city, believe me, I hear crazy.”

              Averell relaxed a bit and said, “Have you ever heard voices when

nobody is there?”

              “Me? No, no never, well almost never. Look, you ask me a tough

question because if some people heard you or me sayin’ that we hear

voices, they may call the guys in white suits. Put us in a rubber room, you know what I mean?”

             
“Yeah, sorta—.”

             
“Averell, you’re a nice kid, sometimes your head is tryin’ to tell you

somethin’ from deep down inside, and it comes out like you’re hearin’

stuff. But it is just you kinda’ talkin’ to yourself. That’s not a bad thing,

just don’t get in to no arguments, and don’t tell nobody that it’s happenin’,
okay?”

             
“Yeah, okay.” and Averell felt a little better about Stelian.

             
“So, you hearin’ stuff all the time?” asked Frank.

             
“No, usually when I’m alone and trying to think.”

              “Okay, remember don’t say nothin’ to the guys about this, they don’t understand,” said Frank.

             
When he got home Ellie was sitting in the living room reading the

newspaper. She saw him with books and asked where they came from.

              “I borrowed them,” he replied, and went up to his room.

             
Over the next two weeks Averell read through the books and made a number of trips to the woods, catching squirrels and rabbits and toying with them, torturing them with his probes, pushing the probes into and through their writhing bodies, watching their eyes as he played. He compared the pictures in the books to what he saw when he dissected the little animals. they did not always match to his liking and realizing that he was looking at squirrels and the books were based on people, he drew comparisons but also knew that he needed better information.

             
Averell got to the mailbox each day before Ellie could and when a letter from the Public Library arrived, he pocketed it and put the rest of the mail on the dining room table. He took the envelope from the library to his room and opened it. There was his permanent library card. Armed with his card and a few quarters, Averell alternated between the woods and the library. His process of probing the animals became more directed, trying to insert his instruments and move them around for a longer period, always watching the animal’s eyes, and piercing specific organs only when he had finished his investigation. He was getting better at his sessions because he now knew something about what he was probing. After an animal stopped moving, Averell would use the box cutter to make as precise a surgical incision on the animals, from throat to groin, as he could, to remove and review their parts. He continued to compared the animals insides with what he saw in various books and read the bits about the parts he recognized. He thought about the Library often and it became one of his favorite places. He was in control of what he did, what he read, what he learned. The only problem was the questions that constantly arose and he did not have someone with whom he could discuss these things. It occurred that a science teacher at school may be a resource. He was now anxious to get back to school where he could ask his questions. In the meantime, he would continue his probing and learning in the woods.

             
Ellie had been out at a store and came home with bags of groceries and her change from the store. There were three quarters and some pennies and several bills. Averell took two quarters and two more one dollar bills. Later when Ellie put the change from the store in her purse, she was not sure just how much there was, because she hadn’t counted the money in the first place. She didn’t know exactly what Averell might have taken, thinking it may have been a few coins and she decided to let it ride. As she was putting her purse away she muttered, “You sneaky bastard, I really hate you.”

             
Sarah was close enough to hear.

             
Averell got up in the morning did a few chores and ran out to catch the bus. One quarter was all he needed for the ride to the library. When he got there and turned in the books he had borrowed, he looked around for others. He found one on squirrels and pored over it for an hour. Then, realizing the time, he went to the check-out counter and handed the librarian his new card and the book. She remembered him and said, “How is your mom’s ankle?”

             
He remembered the previous conversation and said, “Oh, she is much better, thank you, doesn’t need the cane anymore.” With that, he hurried out to catch the bus. He used another quarter for the ride home.

* * *