To Love and Protect (47 page)

He held her as if she were a fretful child, rocking her back and forth and lovingly rubbing her back.
 
She realized then she must have been saying, “I love you,” out loud and that made her cry all the harder.
 
Now he would know how she felt about him, but knowing he did not return the deeper emotions would kill her.

“Clare, love, can I leave you for a moment?” He gently pulled away from her.
 
“I heard glass break downstairs.
 
I should go and check that everything is all right.
 
I am sure one of the footmen just dropped a glass or something.”

“Yes,” she mumbled, curled up under the cover, and rolled into a tight ball.
 
He lit several lamps around the room to help ward off whatever demons remained in her mind and then left the room.
 
Halfway down the stairs, he looked back over his shoulder at his bedroom door, and plowed into Higgins.

“Pardon me, Higgins.
 
What’s going on?”

“This was thrown through one of the front windows, my lord,” Higgins informed him.
 
The placid face for once had worry lines creasing it.
 
He placed a large rock into Justin’s hand.
 
Wrapped in twine, it had a rolled piece of parchment tied to it.

Dreading what he would find written on the paper, Justin slowly unrolled it, delaying the inevitable as much as possible.

An eye for an eye, my wife for yours.
 
She is a fine little morsel I’ve been wanting for a long while.
 
If you are good, I’ll even let you watch before I do away with the both of you.

“It isn’t good is it, sir?”

“No, Higgins, I’m afraid it isn’t.”

“I’ll awaken several of the footmen to board up the window and keep watch the rest of the night.”

“Thank you.”

“Are you going to tell her?”

“I’m afraid what will happen if I don’t.”

“Be gentle.”

“Has she gotten to you?”

“She has gotten to you, sir, and that is the most important thing right now.”

Justin placed a hand on the old man’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze before walking up the stairs to his wife.
 
He heard the words in his mind that she had been repeating in the throes of her nightmare.
 
Justin’s heart constricted because he knew not to whom she had been speaking.
 
He wanted it so badly to be him, but then when she had awakened she said nothing at all, only curled within herself when he left the room.
 
Silently, Justin damned Clarissa’s father for that damn will and the seed of doubt it created in him about her motives for her part in their marriage.

Chapter 19

Clarissa waited on tenterhooks for Justin to return to the room.
 
She heard mumbling in the hallway but could not make out anything.
 
The nightmare still played vividly in her mind.
 
Unfortunately, she doubted that she would be getting any sleep this night.
 
She watched the bedroom door open and close.
 
Justin turned the lock in the door until it slipped into place.
 
A crumpled piece of paper could be seen peeking between his fingers.
 
The look on his face when he turned around caused her heart to race uncontrollably.

“What is it?” she asked pushing herself into a sitting position.
 

“Someone threw a rock into the house by way of a window.”

“The crash you heard?”

“Yes.”

“What is it?”

“A threat.”

“Franklin?”

“Yes.”

“Are you going to let me see it?”

“I do not want you upset.”

“Any more than I already am?
 
My heart is racing, my head is pounding, and I am having nightmares.
 
How much more upset can I get?
 
Please,” she held out her hand in entreaty.
 
He passed her the note, and she quickly scanned the words.
 
A shudder ran up her spine, and the room had an unmistakable chill.
 
“He does know what he wants,” she said trying to chuckle, but instead it turned into a sob.

Justin left all the lights on, stripped, then climbed into bed.
 
He gathered her into his arms and held her close.
 
“Do you want to tell me about your nightmare?”

“No.”

“You might feel better.”

“No.
 
If you tell a nightmare, it will come true.
 
This is one I definitely do not want coming true.”
 
She clutched at him, holding on as if he would slip away from her.

“I’m not going anywhere you know.”

“Do you promise me that?” She looked up at him, to judge the expression on his face.

“Yes.
 
I promise with every fiber of my being.”
 

“Thank you,” she said softly some minutes later.

“What for?” he asked curiously, idly playing with her shoulder-length curls.

“For holding me.
 
I’ve missed you,” she admitted shakily.

“I’ve missed you, too,” he said rising over her and taking her mouth tenderly and with all the feelings he could not vocalize.
 
Soon they were lost in each other, making love for the first time in what seemed forever.
 
Neither of them slept that night.
 
They held on to each other as if they were one another’s lifeline and waited for the dawn to break.

***

Clarissa continued to be plagued by nightmares regardless of the hour.
 
Her nerves were on edge, and she jumped at every shadow.
 
She no longer went outside and worked in the garden. Her emotions were raw, and she cried at the least little thing.
 

Mikala was visiting Clarissa for the third time since their return to London.
 
Clarissa noticed the other woman studying her closely.
 
She had brought with her some bathing items that Clarissa asked for during their second visit.
 
Mikala had understood how she needed to be surrounded by feminine things for a change in a bachelor’s household.
 
She felt amazed how little things like scented soap and some ribbons could alter one’s outlook on life.
 

A carriage rumbled by and Clarissa practically contorted her body to look out the window.
 
The clopping of horses had her twisting her hands nervously in her lap.
 
When a knock sounded on the servant’s entrance from a delivery boy, she practically shouted.

“I’ve had enough,” Mikala stated firmly.

“What?” Clarissa looked at her confused.

“In a little over two weeks, you’ve lost weight you don’t need to.
 
You are jumpy and overwrought with nerves.
 
None of that can be good for you or the life you carry.”
 
Those few matter-of-fact statements brought tears to Clarissa’s eyes.
 
Mikala quickly moved to her side and let her cry as she held her.
 
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to put you in danger.
 
You probably shouldn’t even be coming to visit me,” she sniffed.

“Let me be the judge of that.”

“Lorraine has been found and placed in Newgate.”

“Well, that is wonderful.”

“You would think that.
 
Franklin has threatened revenge and death on Justin and me.”

“Oh, you poor thing.”

“On top of that, any time I sleep, day or night, I have these horrible nightmares about Justin being killed.
 
I never get to tell him how I feel about him until after he is dead, and by then, it is too late.”

“So it is easier to not to sleep rather than to face your nightmares.”

“Yes,” Clarissa whispered softly.

“Perhaps you should take that as a sign to tell him now.”

“I’m too afraid.
 
What if he doesn’t return my feelings?
 
I can’t stay knowing that.
 
It is easier not to know.”

“I understand.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Truly, I do.
 
I almost waited until it was too late, but that is neither here nor there.
 
You will know when the time is right.
 
You do love him, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Clarissa, you are barely functioning right now.
 
Let’s take you upstairs and settle you down for a nap.”

“But I can’t sleep.
 
Not even during the day.
 
I’ve tried.”

“No arguments.
 
I will stay with you while you sleep and send word to Gabe as to where I’m at so that he won’t worry.
 
Call for Justin’s butler, and I will dash off a note.”
 
Clarissa could not argue with a force like Mikala.
 
After writing the promised note to her husband, she also asked Higgins to provide her with a loaded gun.

“Why do you need a gun?”

“So you will go to sleep.”

“I promise, I’ll try to sleep,” Clarissa looked horrified.
 
Her brain felt addled from the lack of sleep.

The Duchess of Hawkescliffe threw back her head laughing.
 
“No, my dear.
 
I can outshoot my brother and my husband.
 
Should anyone come to bother you while you are asleep under my watch, they will soon be meeting the undertaker.”

Uncontrollable giggling washed through Clarissa as she allowed the other woman to guide her upstairs.
 
They stripped her down to her chemise and she crawled under the covers, falling asleep with the sun streaming through the windows and almost before her head hit the pillow.

***

Justin heard the noise seconds before he saw the cause.

“You can’t go in there.
 
You’re not authorized.”

“Get out of my way,” a deep voice retorted shortly before Justin’s door flew back and bounced off the wall.
 
He looked up from the papers spread all over his desk.
 
Disturbing news about Lorraine had just come to him.
 
He was at a loss as to what step he should take next.
 
“I want to know why my wife is at your house.”

“Probably visiting my wife,” Justin retorted, no longer fazed by Gabriel Hawke, the Duke of Hawkescliffe’s brash manner.

“
Your wife
?” he sputtered.

“That took the wind out of your sails, didn’t it, Your Grace?”
 
Justin watched the man sit down across from him.
 
“Won’t you please be seated?”

“Oh, shut it,” Gabriel bit out.
 
“You’re married?
 
And Kala knows her?”

“Indeed.
 
So do you,” Justin said with a smirk.
 
“In fact, I should really be warning you to stay away from her.”

“I do?”

“Clarissa Blackerby.”

“You married Clarissa?”

“Yes.”

“This is rather awkward.”

“Not really.
 
I think we both ended up with the right woman for us, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Hawkescliffe grinned.
 

In fact, Justin noted that he had never seen the man look happier or more besotted.
 
Did he look like that when someone mentioned Clarissa?
 
He sat quietly for several moments contemplating this, while Hawkescliffe also digested the new revelation.
 

“Well this makes it easier for me,” Gabrield announced.
 
“I came here ready to pummel you.
 
Thank you for saving me the trouble.”

“My pleasure, trust me.”
 
Several more moments of silence passed, and Justin returned to studying the information on his desk.
 
He shifted some papers around trying to make sense of what happened overnight in Newgate prison.

“Why did my wife send me a note that she would be at your house for several hours?” Hawkescliffe still sounded slightly puzzled.

“How long?”

“Hours.”

“Bloody hell.
 
What if something is wrong with Clare?
 
Or the bairn?” Justin pushed back from his desk, his chair crashed loudly to the floor.
 
“Why didn’t she send for me?”

“Hold up man.
 
Why would something be wrong?”

“Someone wants to harm Clarissa.”

“Has all of London gone mad?”

“What do you mean?”

“Let’s just call it déjà vu,” Gabriel replied.
 
“Shall we go to your house and see what is going on?
 
Hold up, did you say ‘bairn’?”

“Yes,” he continued to rush down the main hall of the Foreign Office.

“You are going to be a father?
 
That’s rich!
 
You deserve a girl.”

“I don’t need this,” Justin muttered, shouldering his way out the door and into the bright Spring afternoon.

“Oh, but
I
did,” Gabe continued laughing as they mounted their steeds.

Justin led the way, and the two men made quick work of traveling the roads.
 
They traveled a circuitous route that ended up being shorter because of the traffic they bypassed.
 
Once they reached the house, Justin tried to open the door but found it locked.
 
He knocked loudly and repeatedly until Higgins opened the door.

“My lord, whatever is the matter?”

“Where’s Clare?”

“Upstairs, sleeping.”

“And Her Grace?”

“Sitting with her.”

Justin felt the bands easing around his chest.
 
The two men walked inside and heard the door being locked behind them.
 
Justin nodded at the guards stationed at each end of the entrance hall.