To Die Fur (A Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Mystery) (25 page)

“So,” I said. “You can tailor your surroundings to suit your needs. What about Augustus’s needs?”

“Oh, I can provide anything he wants—including things his human owner introduced him to. I’m intimately familiar with human beings and their desires.” Her emerald-green gaze slid toward Ben, lingered, then moved back to me. “India was an advanced and thriving culture when Africa was still no more than a collection of warring tribes. Tigers have lived alongside that culture and learned from it for centuries.”

“Learned what?” Ben said. His voice was a little more confrontational than I expected. “Tigers and humans don’t exactly coexist peacefully.”

She studied him for a moment before replying. If she’d had a tail, it would have been twitching. “No, we don’t. But neither do cats and those with feathers,
Thunderbird
.”

“How well tigers get along with other species isn’t the point,” I said, trying to stave off an argument.

“Isn’t it?” Ben asked. “A liger’s only part tiger. How are the full-blooded specimens here going to treat a half-breed?”

“They’ll treat him exactly how I tell them to. Or do you doubt my power?” Devi’s voice was soft, but there were claws beneath the fur.

“No, no, not at all,” I said hurriedly. “But…”

“But?” Now her voice was practically a purr.

“All cats are renowned for their strength of will and independent nature, but tigers? Tigers are the epitome of both. Lions, by comparison, are practically subservient. Should their own nature lead a few stubborn tigers to disobey your wishes, it could make this place less than a paradise for Augustus.”

I held my breath as I waited for her reply. She was either going to blow up for suggesting she wasn’t totally and completely in control … or do her best to allay my fears.

She shook her head. “You disappoint me, Foxtrot. Paradise for my kind is not one devoid of conflict. We are hunters, killers, the very definition of the word
fierce
. Did you think our afterlife would be any different? It is not—it is merely without those difficulties associated with such an existence. There is no disease, no starvation, no aging. There is battle here, and blood, and even pain—but no wound that will not heal, no pain that will not fade. Other Heavens may be sweet, but here we savor the taste of salt. It is our way—and should Augustus make this his home, it will be his.”

“You so sure of that?” Ben asked. “He’s never killed anything larger than a rat in his life. And I’m not sure about the rat.”

Devi shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. He will be royalty here, and as such he will be introduced to our ways by the best of teachers.”

“You?” I asked.

She inclined her head ever so slightly in confirmation. “He will learn quickly; he is a spirit now, and a spirit is the purest form of a being’s essence. It will be less a matter of imparting information than simply letting his natural urges run free.”

Her voice, her body language, the look on her face—all these things told me exactly which urges she’d be letting run free, and with whom. Well, Tango had fallen for the big lug, too. “So he’ll be royalty, with royal privileges. Does that mean he has royal responsibilities, as well?”

She laughed. “Not unless he wants them. I have ruled this realm since tigers had teeth like sabers; I don’t need any help in continuing to do so. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t welcome the opportunity to share the burden.”

Sure you wouldn’t. You used three negatives in a single sentence—doesn’t, wouldn’t, and burden—to make it sound as unappealing as possible, when you could have just said
I’d like that.
Only you wouldn’t, would you? Apedemek was too arrogant to even consider Augustus a threat, but you’re smarter than that. You want to get as much use out of Augustus as possible, but you don’t want him becoming a rival.

Still, she actually made an appealing case. Being the consort of a goddess would be pretty awesome; basically, all the perks that Apedemek was offering plus … well, an actual deity for a partner. I’m guessing the sex alone might be a deal-clincher.

But.

But Apedemek, for all his bluster, wasn’t a man-eater at heart. Waghai Devi definitely was, and she planned to nurture those same tendencies in Augustus. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? It’s not like he was going to go out and start devouring people; he was a ghost.

“You bring up some very good points,” I told her. “Thank you for your hospitality. We’ll discuss this with Augustus, find out how he feels about things, and then talk with both of you again. I hope you find that acceptable.”

She nodded graciously. “I do. Please convey my best wishes to Augustus; I hope to see him soon.”

Ben and I got to our feet. I nodded at Devi again, and then we headed for the staircase.

Ben let us get a few turns around the tree before he murmured, “Are we going to have to find our way back to that clearing by ourselves? Because I’m not sure I can do that in the dark.”

“Don’t worry. She wants things to go well; we won’t have any problems.”

And we didn’t. When we got to the base of the tree, the path opened up before us, a beam of moonlight illuminating the way. I moved confidently along it, Ben a step behind me.

Glinting green eyes kept pace with us in the shadows on either side. An honor guard, I guess—or a not-so-subtle reminder of where we were and who was in charge. As if we needed it.

When we got to the clearing, Ben hesitated. “I’d like to try a little experiment, if that’s okay by you?”

“What kind of experiment?”

“I’d like to see if I can make us come out somewhere different from where we started out. Move across space as well as dimensions.”

I frowned. “What did you have in mind? I don’t want to wind up in the middle of the Atlantic. Or a wall. Or on a busy freeway. Or in front of a speeding train. Or on top of Mount Everest. Or—you know what? Just the fact that I can keep coming up with horrifying examples with absolutely no effort makes me wonder if this is such a good idea. At all.”

“None of those things is going to happen. I can sort of
feel
solid objects around me now, just by the way air moves around them, like having the wind for fingertips. No way I’ll put us anywhere dangerous—I don’t even want to move us very far, just to the other side of the graveyard. How about it?”

I looked at him uncertainly, and he grinned. I remembered how, on our first date, I’d let him blindfold me and lead me to a picnic. “I guess,” I said. “Hell, I’ve trusted you to take me to stranger places. Just don’t put us inside a mausoleum or something, okay?”

“Not a chance,” he said, and raised his hands. Lightning crackled and the air spun, stray leaves whirling around us.

I needn’t have worried. We touched down exactly where he said we would, on the far side of the graveyard. I was a little worried somebody might see us, but there was no one in sight except a few ghost bunnies that bounded past without sparing us a second glance.

Ben sighed. “Man. Am I glad to be out of
that
place. Couple of times I thought she was just going to chow down on both of us.”

“Oh? Is that why you kept trying to provoke her?”

“What?” He looked a little taken aback. “I wasn’t, really. But she was … well, kinda pushy, didn’t you think?”

I raised my eyebrows. “Pushy. Really. An actual, immortal, divine being on her own turf? How
dare
she act like we should take her seriously!”

“That’s just it, though—she wasn’t taking
us
seriously. It’s like she was playing with us, the whole time.” I could tell from his voice he was a little pissed off about that, too. Maybe more than a little.

“Okay, I’m confused. Was she being pushy or not taking us seriously? And why is this even bothering you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe Thunderbirds and cats just don’t get along.”

“You didn’t act this way when we dropped in on Apedemek.”

He rubbed the back of his neck moodily. “Apedemek didn’t insult my heritage.”

“Your
heritage
? You mean that crack she made about ‘beings with feathers’? Come
on
—Apedemek practically threatened to eat us!”

“That was different. He was just being … who he is.”

Every now and then someone says something that totally flabbergast me. (Yes, the word
flabbergast
is part of my vocabulary, and no, I don’t use it lightly.) What Ben just said had that effect, because it made no—absolutely, utterly
no
—sense to me, and of all the people I know who occasionally do that, he is not one.

But after a moment of flabbergastery (it is
so
a word) I realized what he was actually saying, and my state of mental confusion was downgraded to mere disbelief.

“Wait,” I said. “Are you saying that Apedemek gets a pass for acting like a jerk because he’s a
guy
?”

“He’s not a guy, he’s a lion.”

“A
male
lion.”

“Well, yeah. But male lions act very different from female ones, right? That’s just how they are.”

“In the wild, sure. But this is a sentient being. He thinks, he makes choices. You can’t just write off his behavior as something he has no control over.”

“I can’t? Why not? Is there some psychology textbook on animal gods you’ve read and I haven’t? Because I don’t think you know any more about this than I do.”

I stopped, took a deep breath, then let it out before replying. “You’re right. I don’t. But Eli seems to think we can figure this out, and that’s what I intend to do.”

“I? What happened to we?”

“You already seem to have it all figured out.”

His frown became a glower. “Well, maybe I do. I think Augustus should go to Apedemek.”

“Why? Because Waghai Devi rubbed you the wrong way?”

“Because I don’t trust her. At least Apedemek was honest with us.”

“Apedemek’s Paradise was a boy’s club. It was stocked with lioness bimbos, red meat, and places to snore. At least Waghai Devi’s place would offer up a few challenges.”

He snorted. “Yeah, because that’s what people look for in an afterlife—more chances to fail. What’s wrong with a little unchallenging bliss?”

“Nothing, as long as it’s only a little. Eternity is a very long time to spend rutting, eating, and sleeping. Anyway, Tiger Heaven offers all those things, too—plus a chance to get in touch with his true nature.”

“Sure, as long as he follows orders from the Queen T. She might as well put a collar on him.”

My eyes narrowed. “Oh, is
that
what this is about? A strong female is a threatening figure?”

“No, of course not. I’m not threatened by her, goddess or not.”

“Who said anything about you? I was talking about Augustus.”

Okay, maybe that was unfair, but I was starting to get angry. Anger, in me, works like a lens on sunlight: My focus gets sharper and sharper, and then it starts burning holes in things.

“Forget it,” Ben said. He waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. “You sound like you’ve already made up your mind.” He started walking away, forcing me to follow him. That, unfortunately, was guaranteed to just make me angrier.

“Hang on,” I said, striding to catch up. “I haven’t made up my mind about anything. I just fail to see why Apedemek is a better choice.”

“Well, I fail to see why Waggy Devo is the better choice.”

I got in front of him and forced him to stop. “I never said she was. But while I want the best for Augustus, there’s more at stake than just his happiness. What do you think will happen if Augustus goes with Waghai Devi?”

“We royally piss off Apedemek.”

“Right. And he’ll roar about it and threaten and bluster, and eventually cool off. What did you think will happen if Augustus chooses Apedemek?”

“Same thing?”

I shook my head emphatically. “No. No way. She’s a schemer, and a schemer always has a Plan B. She’s playing nice first, because she has nothing to lose by doing so. But if that doesn’t work, she’ll follow up by doing exactly what tigers always do—she’ll go for the sudden, overpowering ambush. Full-out blitzkrieg attack, no warning. She’ll overrun the graveyard, hold it hostage, and demand Augustus be turned over to her before she’ll leave.”

Ben blinked. “What makes you think so?”

“Because that’s what
I
would do,” I said.

He stared at me. It felt like one of those moments, you know, where he was going to say something like
Remind me never to tick you off,
and I’d make a joke, and then everything would be fine.

That didn’t happen.

“I see,” he said. There were whole thumb drives full of information in those two words, and none of it was good. There were folders in it labeled
DISAPPOINTED
, with files like apprehensive.ben and crazywomanmuch.yep.

“I’m just being realistic,” I said. “We need to be prepared for a worst-case scenario.”

“Well then, I guess I’m just naive. Because what I had in mind—what I was thought we were both working for—was the best-case scenario. You know, the one where Augustus gets to go to wherever he’s going to be happiest.”

“That
is
what I’m working for. What we’re
both
working for.”

“Oh? And who gets to decide what’s best for him? Because I’m starting to think it’s the one who’s used to making all the decisions, all the time.”

I glared at him. “That’s not fair. It’s my
job
to make decisions.”

“Yeah, it is. And it’s my job to make breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Maybe that’s what I should go back to doing, since the opinion of a lowly chef obviously isn’t what you need.” He ducked around me and strode off, fuming.

This time I didn’t go after him. I just stared at his back and used every ounce of willpower I had to not get in a parting shot.

Dammit.

C
HAPTER
S
IXTEEN

After Ben stalked off, I found Eli and brought him up to date.

“So far, so good,” the crow said. “You’ve gotten both of them to accept the two of you as go-betweens, anyway. But now the easy part is over.”