To Be Free (25 page)

“
If you saw
the things I saw, Quinn...” I whisper, unable to say any more. I
snap my eyes shut, hunching my shoulders and wishing that I could
disappear, that I had that ability. Instead, I have a skill that is
useless when I need it to work the most.
I
love you; please, don't ever forget that. Don't ever forget that
you're the only one I could ever pledge my heart to
anymore.

“
I see,” he
mutters, and my eyes betray me once more: they show me this scene
through his eyes, and I see him look away, turn his gaze away from
me and let me taste the emotions clawing through his body. The tone
alone, chilling and detached, is enough indication.

Please don't hate me.

Just as Quinn sits down, I
force myself to stand, muttering something that even my ears don't
catch before I turn on my heel and walk through into the kitchen,
and even further than that into the backyard, shutting the door and
blocking me from the pain trying to follow me, pounding at my chest
and threatening to pull my heart out. I walk through the grassy
field, skirting by flowers and trees until I can crouch beneath a
willow tree, its sweeping branches cascading behind me and
screening me from the sight of the places we've made memories. The
water of the Sound bubbles gently in front of me, and I sit with my
knees to my chest, shivering.

The pain that pulls, rips at my
insides forces the first sob from my throat, and I quiet the rest,
refusing to make a sound as I press my head to my knees and wish
for the ability to disappear, to rip the pain and sorrow forcing my
heart to beat painfully inside me, mocking me for getting attached
to a man who's plagued my nightmares.

My eyes continue to play the
meeting between the men in the dining room, and I try to press my
hands to my ears to avoid the sounds, but they filter in
anyways.

I've missed you. I'm sorry, I
couldn't protect you. Could you forgive me?

If you had the chance to change
it, change what happened, would you? Would you leave all that
behind, everything you've gained, just for me? Would you leave the
man who couldn't force himself to sit through this briefing, just
for me?

I don't want this gift. I don't
want it.

I want to die again. The urge,
the thought that I haven't had in a long, long time, comes back to
me without warning, and it pulls me out of the vision and back into
my reality. The pain reminds me of when Sarah would use me as her
personal object, an item to use and discard, but this is much
worse. This pain is more crippling.

They say the first love's the
hardest. I don't know if Sarah or Quinn is my first love, but this
one is painful in ways the other never was.

It'll always hurt – even if you
ever tell him. The pain of the sight of the one you love with
someone else will forever cripple you. You just learn to live with
it.

I look up at the sound of
David's voice, and the young photographer's sitting beside me,
playing with his camera as he holds an unlit cigarette between his
lips. The sight of the auburn-haired man still surprises me, and he
offers me a smile that holds no joy.

It's that bad, huh?

“
Of course it
is,” I whisper, pressing my chin to my knees and looking out to the
Sound. The man lifts the Canon up to his eye and takes a few shots
of the water, nodding. “I've seen so many different realities that
branch off from this day, so many of them painful to the point of
being crippling. I've seen Quinn leave me, never to return, and
re-explore that love he felt for his friend on that day. I've seen
him leave me simply because he couldn't stay anymore, and what we
had fell apart. So many of them...”

Must be harder for you, then,
seeing as how you're a soothsayer. I didn't have that pleasure, but
that still didn't help anything...

I look to the inhumanely
attractive man, in time to see him shrug helplessly as he toys with
his camera some more.

“
What's he
like?” I ask, and the man looks at me, curious grey eyes looking up
at me. “Your beloved, I mean. Did... something happen?”

Oh, a lot
of
somethings
happened, Sebastian. I'm just a projection of my past self's
future self, but even after all these years I'll never forget that
sight...
he fishes a lighter from his
pocket, lighting his cigarette and blowing out a puff of smoke.
With the stick between his fingers, he continues.
I'm not human, see. I'm created artificially,
from a project called Prototype Ace, and I was thrown into the
world with the instructions “learn everything about people as you
can, and how to control them. Every little thing about
them.”

I was sent to Ireland for a
while, where I met Cian. He was a freelance musician, playing in
the park for tips, and I'd become fascinated with taking pictures
of people. I'd memorized his scheduled times there, and I'd come to
listen and take pictures of the crowds, of him. Eventually, we
became friends. Eventually, more, and we fled the government
together.

Once, though, shortly after I
told him about the truth about who I am, my purpose, he refused to
see me and left me alone in a world that would stop at nothing to
hunt me down for the information I'd gathered – and I've gathered a
lot about you Novae, you know. Enough to end you – and Cian managed
to convince me to work for the benefit of mankind, not the higher
ups.

Anyways, I'd managed to find
him somehow, and I saw him with a girl... a common whore, actually,
that he picked up on the streets for a night. It broke me,
completely and fully.

He stops his monologue,
frowning as he takes another drag. When he breathes the smoke out
again, he looks down to the grass and bites his lower lip.

I've never told him about that.
He's never brought it up. We have a lot to talk about when I manage
to free him from prison.

“
So, what
you're trying to say is...?” I prompt, and the man looks at me
sadly.

Don't bottle it up. Your
beloved, Quinn, seems like the type who needs to know these things.
Talk it out with him a bit, your fears; it's a completely normal
thing, to feel anxiety and jealousy the way you do. Just don't let
him go the way I foolishly did.

“
I love him,”
I choke, pulling my legs against me again and hugging them tightly.
“I love him so much it hurts... it feels as if I'm dying, David,
where I'm sitting. I'm so fucking scared of what might happen if I
close my eyes and look, to watch the rest of the scene. I don't
know... I don't know what I'd do if he...”

Close your
eyes,
he instructs, and reluctantly I do
so.
What does the past tell
you?

We have to leave in at the
latest two hours, Quinn. I expect you'll have an answer for me by
then?

Yeah, just let me go think for
a bit.

Depending on your answer, we
can leave him behind. If that's easier. He's capable of making it
on his own, but I don't think you're ready yet; he's... well,
Sebastian isn't exactly helping you, is he? Someone like him sounds
like a heavy burden to shoulder.

Just let me think for a bit,
Kenny. Besides, I can't leave things like this.

Honestly, Quinn, I don't know
how you put up with him. I didn't think cry babies were your
type.

“
He's too
good for you.”

I stiffen at
the sound of his voice, and David hisses softly beside me, swearing
under his breath and throwing his half-smoked cigarette into the
Sound. As it hits the water, it disappears. I almost miss his
words:
you detching prick if I was real
right now I'd pound you into next week. You're part of the past,
and you should stay there.

I keep my eyes averted from the
man standing a few feet behind me, at the willow tree's shady
sanctuary.

“
Don't you
think I know that?” I hiss, hating the way my voice breaks. I don't
want to look weak in front of this fucking asshole.
“Congratulations, you dick, I'm already well aware that he deserves
so much better than me. Go the fuck away.”

He laughs curtly, and I breathe
deeply through my nose, trying to control my anger. I can see David
shaking beside me, glaring at the Sound.

How did a man that Quinn
described as nothing but kind turn into a man who has so much
bitterness inside him?

“
Honestly, I
hope you die as you try to cross,” he states lightly, and at that I
see David's ghostly apparition stand to his feet, turning in the
direction of the American behind me. “You should've died in that
facility.”

“
If it wasn't
for me, your
precious
Quinn would be
dead
,” I spit, gripping my legs so
tightly it's painful. I take the pain and use it to try and press
my anger down, but I can feel my powers bristling, making the air
around me curdle and shine vaguely with red mist. “Get the fuck
away from me before I do something I'll regret.”

“
I'm sorry to
inform you, kid, but Quinn's good at leaving burdens behind,” he
laughs, and the tense coil of anger snaps, making my power flare
beyond my control. At the very same time David swings for the man
even though he'll go through, but for one second the paradox
apparition actually looks
solid
, his fist striking the man
behind me in the jaw and sending him flying backwards. As he
stumbles the illusion fades, leaving him as ethereal as I've come
to know him.

“
Get lost,” I
growl, nails digging into my palms so much they draw blood. “This
is my final warning, and if you don't I'm going to do something
we'll both regret. Take Quinn and go, for all I fucking
care!
Just leave me here to
die
.”

For a moment he doesn't move,
David standing to my left breathing heavily, shaking with anger,
and then I hear him retreat, leaving me alone with the apparition
once more.

Only then do I cry.

I hear a set of footsteps
approach me again, and David looks over to the source while I sit
on the dock, one knee up to my chest and my bare left foot trailing
in the water. It's really cold, and I idly wonder how long I'd have
to soak inside before I caught hypothermia. Probably not long.

Sounds nice.

“
Just go with
him,” I whisper, my heart beating painfully in my chest. The
footsteps falter on the wooden surface of the dock, and I look to
the ripples caused by my toes, turning a pale blue as time wears
on. “I know that's what you want, Quinn.”

He walks again, passing through
David and crouching on his toes beside me, looking to the
water.

“
Why do you
think that?” Eleven asks, and I shrug a shoulder.

“
I've seen a
lot of outcomes where you did,” I reply, my voice sounding
strangely detached. I remember this sound in my voice – the sound
of having given up. “It's been in my nightmares for a week
now.”

The man sighs, sitting down on
the wooden surface and frowning to the water now. Looking all sorts
of displeased.

Without warning, he grabs me
roughly by the shoulder and pushes me down onto the wooden surface,
forcing a cry from my lips. Then he looms over me, pinning my hands
to the dock by my wrists and refusing my escape, even when I
struggle against his grip and tell him to let me go. He just glares
down at me.

“
It's taking
so much self control to stop myself from beating you to a bloody
pulp, Sebastian,” he growls, and the sound of my full name makes my
blood chill. “I don't know who the fuck you take me for, but I
figured you trusted me a little more than this – at least enough to
not expect me to run off back into anyone's arms, after
everything we've been through together.
Honestly, I'm insulted.”

He just hovers over me like
that, and I can't help my next words. They come out, bitter and
hurt.

“
Then explain
to me why you sounded so fucking
angry
when I told you I knew who he
was before he even came,” I spit, narrowing my eyes. He jerks his
head back slightly, and my foot is now stinging painfully as the
blood in my foot starts warming again. I ignore the pain – I've
lived with pain for over seven years now, and this is honestly
nothing worth writing home about.

It's less
painful than the tugging in my chest. The heart-stopping,
gut-wrenching, breath-stalling,
agonizing
pain in my
chest.

“
Because I
figured you would've told me about it!” he snaps back at me, and I
shake my head. “I've thought about it since then, okay! Plus, given
what you've told me just now...”

“
You'll never
know... how
painful
it was to live through that,” I choke, turning my head away
and watching the water trickle along the Sound. “Seeing the one you
love the most leave you for another man... abandoning you with no
explanation, over and over, to the point where you'd wake up in the
middle of the night and throw up. I hate how much I've come to need
you, Quinn. I really, really need you in my life, and it's
sickening.”

You shouldn't
have to be ashamed of needing him,
I hear
David whisper softly, not far from us. I can't see him from where I
am, but I know he's nearby.
You two are
hopelessly intertwined, in ways I've seen in so few. Your feelings
for one another are amazingly true and pure, the kind of love
people dream about at night and very few find.