Tin Star (18 page)

“You’re a colonist,” Reza said. “The Children of Earth had a cause.”

“It wasn’t my cause. It was my mother’s,” I said.

We had both lost people to the blackness of space. His open face played a symphony of feelings and finally rested on a look of grief.

“Is that why you stayed behind? Because you didn’t believe in what the Children of Earth were doing?”

“I didn’t stay behind,” I said. “I was left.”

Reza’s face was open and eager to hear more. He moved his body, making room for me, and I found myself moving in closer.

“Tell me,” he whispered.

It was a part of my mind that I kept a tight lid on. Everything that I remembered about that time I had long ago pushed so far down and sealed up inside of me. Even just remembering the alarm on the ship as we light skipped to this system made me queasy. I remembered the colonists gathering on the main deck of the ship, asking questions, and Brother Blue assuring us that all was well, just a minor hiccup in the annals of space travel.

“We were with Brother Blue,” I said. “We were onboard, heading to the colony when a message was received. Or there was trouble. It wasn’t clear. We were diverted to the Yertina Feray.”

Reza put his arm around me. His eyes were dark and sympathetic as he listened.

I went on to explain that once we’d docked with the Yertina Feray, we were instructed to not wander the station. Brother Blue did not want us to see others. We were told to keep to ourselves in the docking bay.

“I’d never seen an alien before I stepped onto the Yertina Feray,” I said.

“That’s normal. They are rarely on Earth and when they are, they rarely venture out of the big Earth cities,” Reza said.

“I suppose the fear of being so far from home kept everyone in check. Everything was strange. And stepping off the ship and onto the deck of the Yertina Feray made everyone skittish. We’d really left home. We really could not go back.”

“It seems strange,” Reza said. “As the youth cadets of the Imperium, we are encouraged to learn and meet with others. Brother Blue wrote the handbook. I wonder what Brother Blue was trying to protect back then.”

“He told us that we were building a new Earth where we were going. No need to be influenced by the other kinds of thoughts. He told us that aliens despised Humans, and that they would kill us for who we were. Stay together. Stay safe.”

Reza stared at me as though he understood, in a flash, everything about why I had been so suspicious of them since they’d gotten here. I closed my eyes. I felt sick. Thinking of Brother Blue and telling my story made me feel awful.

“But I had taught myself a little Universal Galactic, and so I was taken to meet with Brother Blue about a job. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. He left me here to die. He beat me, and he left me here.”

Reza’s hands cupped my cheeks. I opened my eyes, and his eyes were so close to mine that I could see the biology of the iris. We were so close to each other, and I could hear his heart beating. It was a different beat than when I had been close to Caleb’s in the hocht ring. Reza’s heart was in time with mine.

His lips were just inches away from mine. I was on fire. As Reza spoke, I could feel his breath on my face, and I opened my lips hoping to catch his words in my mouth.

“When I saw my father return home from Bessen, he was a changed man,” Reza said. “It was as though greed had wormed its way right into the very core of him. What was I to do? Say no? I was his son, and he ruled my world. He had the power to make my life easy or miserable. I was told to join the Earth Imperium Alliance and no longer associate with my isolationist Earth friends, and so I did. And now, I’ve been left here too. My own father won’t even help me. He’s chosen power over family. He thinks I’m a traitor.”

Every part of me reached for him. I ran my hands through his hair. He smelled kind. I had no words for pain, for despair, for loneliness. I put my lips on his.

Our hands found each others’ skin. My body trembled. I had to stop before I exploded.

“I should go,” I said. I was too overwhelmed by the physicality of Reza. “I have rounds to do.” My mood had changed. I shifted my body away from him.

I had gone hungry at times during my time here, but truly I had been ravenous for touch. I knew that I would not be able to survive without it anymore. It was nourishing, intoxicating, and addictive. I would have to go with him. Or at least to where Human touch would be possible, and that left me only a few options.

“Will you meet with me again?” he asked.

The only response I had was to give him another kiss.

25

My heart was still racing when I left Reza. I tried to shake off the fact that I could still feel his lips on me, his hands on me, his eyes. I stopped and composed myself. As excited as I was, I had to get things done. I went to the med bay after trading a few favors to ask the doctor to take a much-needed visit to the underguts to care for some sickly dwellers, and then when I left I saw Caleb walking across the atrium. He looked defeated, somehow smaller than he already was.

He stopped one moment to look up at the atrium ceiling, with its faded painting of the early history of the then known galaxy. Then he moved on. He did not try to barter badly with the aliens outside of the Communications Hub as he usually did.

I saw him go into the Sunspa. I finished my transaction and then followed him in there. I did not need to bribe the attendant to tell me which room he was in. I pushed open the door of the G2V Yellow Star room, the star classification of the sun that we circled back on Earth.

Caleb was in his briefs. His eyes covered with protective goggles. He had his back to the door and music streaming in. It was that song. The one that he was always playing on the music player he’d procured for his bin.

“You’re dealing with Jun wrong. You’re soft when you should be hard. You cave when you should stand,” I said.

That startled him. He turned to face me.

“What are you doing in here?”

He seemed embarrassed by his exposed skin. He dimmed the lamps to half and took off his goggles.

He put the towel around his waist and pulled on his shirt.

“You just need a little courage,” I said.

“I’ve given up trying to talk to them,” he said. “I’m never going to get off this station. I’m stuck here. We all are.”

“You and Reza should talk,” I said.

“Is that why you are here? Did he send you to convince me to take up with him? Go to Earth and join Earth Gov? Work from within?”

“No,” I said. “I came on my own. I want to help you go where you want.”

“Then give me the passes,” he said. “I know you have them.”

“I can’t,” I said.

“You’re giving them to him,” he said. “I understand. Reza always gets his way.”

“No,” I said. “They’re useless. They’re not passes off of here now. They’d be automatic death sentences. We all have to find another way.”

“Where do you want to go, Tula? Not back to Earth. A girl like you can’t go back. Where then? The Central Systems? A colony? Or will you wander?”

“I have to find Brother Blue, and when I do, I’m going to kill him.”

Caleb took a deep breath in and then slowly exhaled.

“That’s heavy,” he said.

“He has to answer for what happened to my family. I don’t know where that will take me after that. I may be dead myself.”

“Accidents happen, you know,” he said. “Whatever happened to your ship isn’t necessarily because of him.”

“Are you defending him?” I asked.

“I don’t know what to think,” he said. “He’s done so much good for the people of Earth, saving it from the fate of so many other planets. He’s well loved. He’s been such a good person.”

“He pulled off all of the grain from my colony ship and when I spoke up about it, he beat me until I was nearly dead and left me here,” I said.

I could see Caleb struggling with what I had said. He had no reason to believe my word. I had no physical scars to show for what had happened.

“Maybe it wasn’t what you thought,” he said.

“What colony settles without its cargo? Without its grain?” I asked.

“But if you had those answers,” he said.

“If I had those answers, I might want to kill him a thousand times over,” I said.

After a minute, he put his hand on my shoulder.

“I believe you. And if I’m ever there when you meet him,” he said. “I swear to you that I’ll have your back.”

“No,” I said. “It’s my load to bear.”

The Sunspa timer buzzed, signaling that his time was up. The lights dimmed.

I swallowed, suddenly thirsty.

We made our way out of the Sunspa and purchased some waters and some essential salts. We didn’t part right away. We lingered, as though we had crossed a threshold and were somehow more connected than before, even though we were not connected at all. We stood under the mural that depicted the beginnings of the Five Major Species. I pointed at the old map that depicted a history the galaxy had long ago moved away from.

“The map is always changing,” I said.

I started to walk, and he followed me. We walked all over the station and then finally arrived at the warehouse where our robot was. I let him talk as he worked on the robot.

“The Imperium comes and sweeps all of the old ways out and they make judgments about which life forms should be held back, whose planets should be stripped, and which species they should lift. And if these species don’t cooperate and get in the way of precious resources, then they and theirs are razed. The Imperium wants the resources, but it’s only on the backs of what they call undesirable species that they send to barely viable planets that they’ll get it. If you are with them, then you, your planet, your colonies, your species are protected. If you don’t have a certain amount of colonies, then your life, your planet, are irrelevant.”

“I get it,” I said. “Brother Blue had the colonies. He’s Earth’s voice. If you integrate the colonies with Earth, then Earth’s place would be even stronger.”

“Those colonies are what give Earth a position. But everything that happened on our trip, it was as though we were never meant to reach the Children of Earth colonies.”

“But why?” I asked.

“I know. It doesn’t make any sense. But I can’t shake the feeling that we didn’t have an accident. I think someone blew up our ship rather than let us get to our final destinations.”

“Isolationists from Earth?” I asked.

“Maybe. I don’t know who to trust in the Imperium or on Bessen. I don’t know who to trust on Earth. That’s why I can’t agree with Reza. He wants to work from within and unite Earth, stop it from destroying itself or its chances for the future. But the rot goes too deep. If you pull out every piece, you’re left with nothing. And then there’s just chaos. But on the Rim, I could maybe sort it out. Have a fresh perspective. See the playing board in a different way.”

The robot started to hum. It was turned on and moving forward and backward. Caleb had opened up its head and was programming command protocols. He executed one of them and music filled the room.

“Music?” I asked.

“It’s essential. I’ll be all alone on the Rim. I’ll need something to keep me sane. And safe. I’ve built in some protection features as well.”

“Impressive,” I said.

“I’m good at what I do,” he said. He took a rag and started wiping the robot, getting the dull parts of it to shine.

“The Rim is too far to do any good,” I said. “It’s pirates and loners and species with no power. Travel takes too much time to have any effect. You’d move one piece but by the time you moved another, you’d have lost your advantage. No, you must be central. You must bring the core to you. Reza is right. Earth is the way to go. Get Earth reunited, and then fight from there.”

“Are you sure you’re saying that because you think that? Or because Reza’s got you all wound up in him?”

I blushed. Could he see the kisses on me?

“I don’t have to take Reza’s side,” I said. “I can think for myself.”

The robot was clearly agitated by my elevated voice. Its knives started whirring. Caleb gave it a voice command and the knives stopped and it shut down.

“I’ve programmed it to sense aggression around me,” he said. “I can turn it off if you think you’re going to start yelling at me.”

“It thought I was attacking you?” I said.

“You are pretty angry with me right now,” he said.

“Reza’s right, you should go back to Earth,” I said it quietly this time, even though the robot was powered down. “The two of you together could get something done.”

He smiled.

“I don’t see it that way,” he said putting his hand on my shoulder again. “But Reza’s a good guy. So don’t break his heart.”

26

Reza and I did not speak when we were together. We lay together, sometimes kissing. His skin was mine. I traveled farther looking in his eyes than I had to get here. I took pleasure in simple things, hand holding, touching, and sleeping in his arms. I had forgotten how touch could be so rejuvenating. I was feeling so many things, all of them sweet and terrible. I even found myself humming. I felt I could almost understand the word
belong.

Our bodies had the conversations that we could not have. Skin on skin. Lips on lips.

Relationships were so strange.

I almost didn’t care about the hate that orbited my heart.

Although I was not ready to open my heart to happiness completely, Reza and I were somehow bound together. I was close to happy.

I did my rounds and then at the end of the day, I would quietly slip into his bin. We did not make plans, we just both, as though the rhythms of our days were in sync, would arrive there at the same time.

Tournour made that more difficult. He seemed to excel in showing up just as I was ending my rounds to go to Reza.

“Tournour,” I said.

He nodded as one of his guards would take my bag and go through my things.

“You look impatient,” Tournour said. “Are you in a hurry to get somewhere?”

I knew if I said yes, he’d keep me longer, so I shook my head.