Time Off for Good Behavior (40 page)

She flashed her grin at me.
“
I
’
m always ready.
”

***

Osgiliath
’
s was dark, with the exception of the fire-hazardworthy crop of tiny white Christmas lights Kacey and I
had strung all over the Santa Station. I paced back and forth in front of my desk, trying to kill time. I checked the clock on the computer: 11:48.

Twelve minutes.

I
’
d put the finishing touches on a half hour ago, and sitting still was only making time sl
ow down. I got up and wandered over to the artificial Christmas tree we
’
d put up in the corner behind the Santa throne. Underneath were all the fake gifts, with the exception of one that I
’
d placed there two hours before. I walked by the long plate-glass
w
indows on the west side of the store, checking out my reflection in the mirror. Elizabeth had loaned me her long, green, clingy holiday dress, and I had to admit I looked good. I patted my hair and checked my makeup, which Elizabeth had talked me into at
t
he last minute and which I was beginning to regret. I hate lipstick. But what
’
s done is done, and it was too late now.

I wandered back to the brightly lit Station and checked the camera and the software. Made sure the printer was full with the fancy glossy
stuff. I wandered over to Santa
’
s throne, fiddled with some of the lights, and finally plopped down in the seat. I looked at my watch: 11:56.

Four minutes.

I leaned back in the Santa throne, staring up at the ceiling. I smiled when I heard the familiar ji
ngle at the front door, which I
’
d left unlocked. A moment later, Walter appeared from behind a bookshelf.

He was dressed in a tailored tan suit with a dark green tie. I sucked in my breath... He took off his coat and placed it on the swivel seat by the com
puter, but he never moved his eyes from mine. I stood up and smoothed out my dress.

“
You look beautiful,
”
he said, walking toward me.

“
I
’
m glad you showed up. I was afraid you might not know who sent the note.
”

He laughed.
“
A mysterious note on my doorstep
tells me to be at Osgiliath
’
s at midnight. I took a shot in the dark.
”
He stopped about three feet away from me and put his hands in his trouser pockets. His smile was soft and assured.
“
I
’
m glad I was right.
”

I stood up and walked over to meet him. He re
ached out for my waist, and I put my hand to his chest, pushing him back lightly.
“
Not yet, cowboy. We need to talk.
”

I grabbed his hand and led him toward the velvet-lined platform that housed the Santa throne.

His fingers tightened, entwining with mine.
“
You
’
re right. We do need to talk. I haven
’
t forgotten that you scared the hell out of me when you took off like that.
”

“
Yeah, I wasn
’
t planning on talking about that now. Can I just apologize and breeze on past that?
”

“
That all depends on what you
’
ve got
planned,
”
he said, his eyes running around the Station and then landing back on me.
“
If you distract me well enough, I might be able to let it go.
”
His eyes took on a devilish glint.
“
But I
’
m not that easily distracted.
”

I smiled and put my hands on his sh
oulders. He reached for my waist. I gently pushed him down into the Santa throne. I sat on the platform at his feet and flashed my hands over the dress, smoothing it around my legs, then looked up at Walter. Lit by the tiny white Christmas lights, he look
e
d more like Jimmy Stewart than ever. Indescribable elegance wrapped in undeniable masculinity.

He looked down at me, and I realized I
’
d been staring at him for a while and saying nothing.
“
Did you have something to say?
”

“
Yes,
”
I said, nerves gripping my h
eart in an icy vise. I felt perspiration forming on the back of my neck. I
’
d practiced my whole speech a hundred times, and now I was choking. I stood up and began to pace.

Walter started to get up.
“
Are you okay?
”

I put my hand out.
“
No, sit, please. I
’
m trying to do this right, but... Oh, hell. It
’
s not going to be right.
”
I turned to face him.
“
Walter, I love you.
”

Oh, man. Going to throw up. Going to throw up all over Elizabeth
’
s nice dress.

I put my hand on my stomach and continued to pace.
“
I
’
m sor
ry. I wanted this to be so romantic. I don
’
t know what I
’
m doing. I
’
ve never done this before, loved someone who was actually capable of loving me back... Not that you have to, and please don
’
t say if you do or not, because I can
’
t hear it right now eithe
r
way...
”

I was wringing my hands so tight the skin was starting to burn. I turned to face him, glanced at him for a brief moment, then snapped my eyes shut and continued to babble.
“
Not long after... that night when... you know, we did it...
”
Oh, man.
Did
it?
What am I, nineteen?
“
...
I kinda freaked out.
”

He smiled.
“
Yeah. I figured as much. I wish you had just called me...
”

I held up my hand.
“
Ah-ah-
ah
. Not done. I
’
m sorry, I just need to get through this, and if you talk, I
’
m going to melt all over you.
”

He broke out his crooked grin and raised an eyebrow at me.
“
I don
’
t have a problem with that.
”

“
Ahhhhh,
”
I said.
“
You
’
re killing me. Work with me here.
”
He sat back and closed his lips in a smile. I continued to pace in front of him, closing my eyes as I
spoke, trying to remember how I
’
d planned this.
“
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Freaked out. So I sat down with myself and tried to figure out what was wrong with me. Why I had certain patterns in my life that were so self-destructive, and I realized... well...
”

I
opened my eyes. He was smiling.
Kryptonite.
I sat down on the platform at his feet.
“
It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, you know? People were always telling me how smart I was, how I was destined for great things, and I always thought, someday they
’
ll fin
d out. They
’
ll find out I
’
m a fraud, and I
’
m worthless, and I
’
m...
”

I was starting to choke up. I stood up again and paced.
“
It was stupid. I wasn
’
t making bad choices because I was worthless, I was making bad choices to show I was worthless, so I wouldn
’
t
have to ever stand up and... I don
’
t know. Fall, I guess. But I did worse than fall. I deliberately fucked it all up, so very, very badly.
”

I looked at him briefly, until my throat started to close, and looked away again.
“
In order to unravel all the crap
I
’
d gotten myself into, I decided I
’
d have to do certain things... to make it up to myself. To clean the slate, you know? So I made up this list, and I thought if I followed it, changed who I was, then I
’
d be worthy of you.
”

I stopped and stared at the fl
oor. Walter was blurred through my tears, and a distant voice in the back of my head warned of raccoon eyes, but I kept going.
“
I did it all. Everything.
”

I took a deep breath and wiped under my eyes. Black on my fingers. Stupid mascara. I went to the comp
uter and grabbed a Kleenex and walked back toward Walter, still not looking at him.
“
And now that I
’
m all done, I finally understand.
”

I stopped. Walter stood up. He put his hand on my arm and spoke quietly.
“
Understand what?
”

“
That it was all a load of cr
ap,
”
I squeaked. God, I had no idea how hard this would be to say.
“
I was perfectly worthy of you to begin with, and if you didn
’
t see that, then you were a big, stupid doofus.
”

His eyebrows knit, and he let out a small laugh and shook his head.

“
Well, duh.
”
He put his forehead to mine and pulled my hands to his chest.
“
How could you not know that?
”

“
I don
’
t know,
”
I said. My voice was quivering, as were my lips, my entire body. I rested my forehead against his and got my balance.
“
But that
’
s why I called y
ou here tonight. I thought I
’
d give you a second chance.
”

He chuckled.
“
I
’
m glad you did.
”

I looked up at him, and he smiled down at me, his eyes glittering in the reflection of a thousand Christmas lights. He leaned down and brushed his lips lightly again
st mine.

“
I
’
m going to explode if you don
’
t say it
’
s okay for me to kiss you soon,
”
he whispered, his cool breath fluttering into my mouth.

Unable to speak, I nodded and felt his hand come up around the back of my neck as he pressed his lips on mine, and w
e melted into each other, kisses coming in perfect rhythm with the
boom-boom-booming
of my heart.

We parted and stood there for a while, dancing slowly to the silence. He ran his hand over my hair, down my back, and rested it on my waist. I draped my arms
around his shoulders and leaned my cheek against his chest and felt safe. Loved.

At home.

“
I meant it,
”
he said softly.

“
Hmmm?
”

“
That night,
”
he said, pulling me in tighter and resting his cheek on the top of my head.
“
When I said I loved you.
”

I pulled away.
“
You remember that?
”

“
Hell, yeah, I remember,
”
he said, smoothing a stray strand of hair away from my face.
“
I
’
ve been beating myself up over it every day since. It was a stupid thing to say, but I was falling asleep and I just wasn
’
t thinki
ng.
”