Three’s a Crowd (32 page)

Then she felt Tom's arms close around her, holding her tight. ‘It's okay.' He lifted her chin after a while so she had to look at him. ‘You have nothing to feel guilty about, Rachel.'

‘I can't help it, it just feels wrong.'

‘Listen to me,' he said. ‘Annie's gone. I loved her very much, but she's gone. And I just don't accept that what we had will be undermined or diminished somehow if you and I are together now.'

‘But people will think –'

‘Yeah, people will think they can dictate what's appropriate behaviour when they have no idea what they would do in the same situation,' Tom insisted. ‘I don't see why I should put my life on hold to make other people comfortable.'

‘What about the girls?' she sniffed.

‘Of course, I realise they need some time. But I don't. I don't want to waste any more time, Rachel.'

She gazed up at him as he held her face, wiping her tears away with his thumbs.

‘If this has taught me anything,' Tom went on, ‘if it's left me with anything positive at all, it's that life really is short. I want to grab hold of happiness wherever I can find it. And it's here, right now, right in front of me.'

His eyes were glassy, staring into hers, and Rachel felt a rush of tenderness towards him.

‘Don't we deserve to be happy, Rachel?'

She made a little noise in her throat as he brought his lips down onto hers. And as they kissed, Rachel let all her doubts, all her misgivings, rise up and float out across the rooftops to the ocean, because she did want to be happy, and finally, just maybe, she felt like she had a chance.

After a long while, Tom drew back to look at her. ‘Okay, hold on,' he said. ‘We're going to do this right.'

‘What do you mean?'

He took both her hands in his. ‘I would like to establish for the record that neither party is currently under the influence of alcohol, or drugs, or any other mind-altering substances,' he said, ‘so any DUI charges are not going to stick, are we agreed?'

She smiled. ‘We're agreed.'

He started to walk backwards across the room, drawing her with him. ‘And I further wish to confirm that the party of the first part is not currently in possession of a plane ticket out of the country for tomorrow?'

She shook her head, still smiling, as they stepped into the hall.

‘Passage on a boat to Tasmania?'

‘Nope,' she said, changing direction so that now she was backing him into her bedroom.

‘A train pass to the Central Coast?'

‘Not even,' she said, bringing her hands up to circle his neck and kissing him soundly. ‘There is one problem though.'

‘What's that?'

She sighed. ‘I'm still not on the pill.'

‘Aha, reach into my pocket, my love.'

She raised an eyebrow. ‘Which one?'

‘Well, you can try them all if you like, for fun.'

She gave him a playful tap on the backside as he leaned in to kiss her again. ‘Front, left,' he murmured, against her lips.

‘Your left or my left?'

‘Mine.'

Rachel slipped her hand into the pocket of his jeans and drew out a strip of condoms, leaning back from him to hold them up. ‘Well you were very sure of yourself, mister.'

He gathered her close again. ‘I'd prefer to call it “cautiously optimistic”. I also wish to state for the record that my intentions were honourable. I didn't want a repeat of the previous unpleasant episode. I had no idea you were about to shatter my hopes and call into question my very motives, and that it was going to take me the best part of a day to convince –'

Rachel brought his face close to hers. ‘You're going to have to stop talking so much.'

His lips sank into hers, and this time she was right there for every second, every sensation. She didn't resist as he removed her clothes, piece by piece, ever so slowly. And she didn't feel embarrassed as he gazed the length of her naked body, or awkward as he held her gaze, gradually lowering her onto the bed and nestling his hips between her thighs, before gently, almost reverently, drawing himself up inside her, pausing long enough to lean down and brush his lips and tongue against hers. Then, as their bodies surged and subsided against each other, Rachel arched back as wave after exquisite wave washed over her, until she felt him shudder and groan then collapse into her. She cradled him with
her arms and legs, and they lay there, wrapped around each other, entirely spent, drifting slowly, sweetly, out of consciousness.

A muffled tune, Rachel knew it but couldn't name it, was creeping into her head. What was that? She wanted to block it, she didn't want to think, to come out of this.

‘
Fuck
!' Tom almost leaped off her. ‘That's my phone.'

Rachel blinked, squinting. He was already perched on the edge of the bed, slowly coming into focus. The tune stopped playing.

‘What time is it?' he said urgently.

Rachel lifted her head but it felt cloudy. ‘Um . . .'

He was digging in the pocket of his jeans. Rachel let her head drop back onto the pillow again as she fumbled for the sheet, covering herself. He'd found his phone and flipped it open.

‘Shit, that was Hannah,' he said, pressing to call back and holding the phone to his ear as he reached around, gathering his things off the floor. ‘Hello Han? Sweetheart, I'm so sorry, are you okay? You won't believe it, I fell asleep.' He was hastily and rather clumsily pulling on his clothes with one hand. ‘No, no, tell Mrs Fleming she doesn't have to do that, I'll be right there, I'm leaving now, okay? No, I'm sure. Tell her I'm very sorry. I'll see you soon, bye darling.'

He flipped the phone shut and stood, pulling his jeans up.

‘Is everything okay?' Rachel asked.

‘Yeah,' he said, yanking his shirt over his head. ‘I completely lost track of the time, I wasn't even thinking . . . so stupid,' he muttered, looking around the floor. ‘My shoes must be out there,' he said on his way out the door. He reappeared a moment later, fishing his keys from his pocket. ‘Okay, I better run. I'll see you later.'

Then he was gone. Rachel lay there, not moving, a dull ache rising up in her chest. She heard the front door open, and close again, but then footsteps came back down the hall. He appeared in the doorway, his expression contrite. ‘I'm sorry, Rach,' he said, coming over to the side of the bed and leaning over her.

‘It's okay, I understand, you have to hurry.'

‘Are you sure?'

‘Of course, go.'

‘Okay.' He bent to kiss her quickly on the mouth. ‘I'll call you later.'

She nodded. ‘Drive safe.'

‘I will,' he said as he headed out of the room. ‘Bye.'

She heard his footsteps in the hall again, and then the door closed with a bang. She breathed out, but the dull ache was still there. She brought her forearm up to rest across her eyes. Don't cry, you silly baby. He had to go and pick up his daughter, he didn't have a choice. But she felt sordid, or cheap, or something. Empty probably. She was just being ridiculous. What was he supposed to do?

Her phone rang loudly into the silence. She reached over and grabbed it from the bedside table. ‘Hello,' she croaked.

‘Hi, it's me.'

‘Oh, hi Catherine.'

‘Don't sound so excited,' she retorted.

‘Sorry, I'm a little foggy. I just woke up.'

‘My god, what time did you get to bed last night?'

‘No, I was having a nanna nap.'

‘What's worn you out?'

‘Sorry?'

‘Sleeping such a beautiful day away. Honestly Rachel, you should be out getting some fresh air, and a bit of exercise wouldn't hurt.'

Oh, she'd burned plenty of calories this afternoon. ‘I went for a long walk earlier.'

‘Well, what do you know,' Catherine said. ‘So how do you think it went last night?'

‘Um . . .' She shuffled up to sit with her back against the bedhead. Last night? Was it only last night they were at Catherine's house? It seemed like several lifetimes ago. ‘It was great, Catherine, it was a lovely night. Thanks.'

‘What did Tom have to say?'

‘What do you mean?'

‘Well, I haven't heard from him. I thought he might have called to say thank you at least.'

Rachel sighed. ‘He's a guy, Catherine. And he doesn't have Annie to do that for him any more. Give him a break.'

‘Fair enough,' she relented. ‘Well what did he say to you?'

‘Why do you think I've spoken to him?'

‘He drove you home,' Catherine reminded her.

‘Oh, yeah.'

‘So did he say anything?'

‘Um, he said it was . . . great. They had a really nice time.'

‘That's pretty generic. I went to a lot of trouble, you know.'

Rachel sighed inwardly. ‘I'm sure he appreciated that.'

‘Well, did he say anything about me? That it was good to talk to someone who knew what he was going through?'

For crying out loud. ‘You don't know what he's going through, Catherine, none of us do.'

‘I meant as far as the girls are concerned,' she said. ‘I wanted him to feel that a dialogue has been opened, that he can come to me when he has issues, you know, about the girls, their schooling, anything.'

‘I'm sure he knows that.'

‘Did he say so?'

‘Oh for Chrissakes, Catherine. Was this all about you? Or did you genuinely want to do something for them?'

‘I'm just asking. What's wrong with you?'

‘Nothing, sorry,' she muttered. ‘I'm just tired.'

‘But you've been sleeping all day.'

‘I haven't been sleeping all day,' she retorted. ‘I just haven't woken up properly yet.'

‘Well, I've obviously caught you at a bad time.'

‘Yes you have. So I'm going to hang up now, before I'm tempted to hang up on you.'

‘Snippy, snippy.'

‘Goodbye Catherine.'

Rachel sat up late watching bad TV, not wanting to admit that she was waiting for Tom to call. But she badly needed to hear his voice. She felt uneasy about the way things had ended today, and her mind was in a whirl, going off on tangents, revisiting all the issues, all the problems they were going to have, allowing doubt to creep back in . . .

At eleven she'd had enough. He must have forgotten, she
decided, brushing her teeth; out of sight was obviously out of mind. And that's the way it was going to be from here on in. They wouldn't be able to spend much time together, certainly not out in public, at least nowhere around here. Her office was out at Alexandria, while his was in the heart of the city, so they couldn't even meet up for lunch. And with the girls going back to school they wouldn't be off staying at their friends' places so much. Rachel had a dreaded feeling that their ‘relationship' was going to consist of the odd booty call.

She fell into bed, but her mind was still racing. How were they going to gradually ‘introduce' this ‘idea' to the girls anyway? How could they let it unfold slowly when they were already sleeping together? They'd have to come up with some kind of fake act to create the impression they were just starting out. The whole thing was fraught, not least how she was ever going to deal with Catherine and Lexie.

The phone rang, giving her a start. It must be him. She picked it up.

‘Hi.'

‘Hi.'

Silence.

‘Are you okay?' asked Tom.

‘Sure.'

‘Is it too late, am I calling too late? Were you asleep?'

‘No, I wasn't asleep.'

‘You sound a little sleepy.'

‘I am, but I wasn't asleep.'

‘I'm sorry I didn't call earlier,' he said. ‘Soph was in a talkative mood, she wanted to tell me all about her weekend after Hannah had gone to bed. It was nice, really, I didn't want to rush her.'

‘Of course not.'

‘But now you're mad at me.'

‘I'm not mad.'

‘Rach, I'm sorry about what happened this afternoon. I was just thrown, and I know I wasn't very sensitive and I really am sorry, it won't happen again.'

‘Of course it'll happen again, Tom. It'll happen again and again. And again.'

She heard him sigh. ‘See, you are mad at me.'

‘I'm not mad, I'm just being realistic.'

‘Rachel, please don't let things slide back again.'

‘What does that mean?'

‘We finally got somewhere today, didn't we? Sorted out the bullshit?'

‘Oh really? Is that what we did?'

‘Rach –'

‘No Tom, don't you see? We haven't got rid of the bullshit, we've boarded the bullshit express. I don't know how this is going to work.'

‘We can make it work if we want to. Look, I know we're going to have to be . . . discreet –'

‘Discreet? There's a euphemism if I ever heard one,' said Rachel. ‘Tom, we're going to have to lie to our friends, and you'll have to lie to your daughters, and we're going to have to sneak around and hardly ever see each other. What kind of a relationship is that?'

‘It's all we've got at the moment,' he said plainly. ‘But I'll take it. Because I love you, Rachel. And I don't want to lose you this time.'

Her heart cramped in her chest, and she could feel tears rising in the back of her throat. He loved her?

‘Rach? Are you still there?'

‘Yeah, I'm still here,' she said thickly.

‘Are you crying?'

‘No, I'm not crying,' she sniffed.

‘I wish I was there with you.'

She released a tremulous sigh. ‘Me too.'

‘Can I come over one night this week?'

‘What about the girls?'

‘They're still off school for most of the week, they'll be doing stuff.'

‘Okay.'