Three Way (14 page)

‘No, no, it’s fine. Just charity crap.’ She starts going through it and soon pulls out a CD.

‘Lionel Ritchie?’ she asks, holding it up.

‘I’m getting rid of it.’

‘How do you even own this?’

‘It was Svetla’s,’ I reply, almost without thinking. Ashley’s smile disappears and she looks into the box again.

‘Is this…all Svetla’s? You’re giving it away?’ she asks, staring at me. I open my mouth but I can’t slot the words together. She sees my hesitation. ‘She’s coming over, isn’t she?’

‘No…why, would you think that?’ I reply. Ashley tilts her head. ‘Alright yes she’s coming over.’

‘Ollie…’ she says.

‘What?’ I reply, trying not to sound defensive.

‘Do you like pain or something?’

‘I said I’d leave it outside for her to take.’

‘Yeah? How come it’s in here then?’

‘Because…look I don’t have to justify myself to you,’ I say. She gives me a simple smile. ‘What’s that look for?’

‘It’s going to end in tears,’ she says, glancing over to the clock. ‘Shit, is that the time? No good me chatting away like this, some of us have got to work.’ She grabs her bag and turns to face me. ‘Hey…good luck,’ she says, patting my shoulder.

‘Thanks,’ I reply. I’ll need it.

She smiles, turns and walks out. I hear the door open then close. I don’t know what to do now. Maybe I should just leave it outside and not engage with Svetla. That would be the honourable thing to do. Thing is, I’m not honourable.

I sit on the sofa waiting. I look at the clock. 11:03. I have no idea when she might get here, she did say morning. I look through the box to make sure I’ve packed everything she asked for. I pull out a pink, fluffy scarf and run it through my fingers. Soft. I smell it. It still has the faintest trace of her smell. I close my eyes. I pull out a framed photo of Svetla posing with uh…oh god what’s his name? That celebrity on…you know, the one that does Match of the Day. Forget it. I look at Svetla’s eyes. So happy, so sexy.

I hear a car pull up outside. I quickly put the photo and scarf back into the box. I locate the Lionel Ritchie CD and place it next to the photo. I close the box and walk over to the window. Outside, her distinctive red VW Polo is parking up. I wait, keeping close to the wall. I hear the car door open and glance out. There she is, dressed in a black suit. I’ve never seen her in a suit before. Damnit, why’d she have to look so stunning? Her hair is tied back and her high heels clip-clop on the tarmac. She gets to the stairs and starts walking up. I grab the box and walk to the front door. I see her hazy figure through the frosted glass. She’s obviously looking for the box. I open the door. She’s bent over, searching next to the door. Quickly, she straightens up. We stare at each other.

‘Hi,’ I say. A hand moves onto her hip.

‘Hi,’ she replies, ‘I thought you were just going to leave the box.’ I nod slowly.

‘Yeah, I couldn’t help it. I wanted to see you.’ She looks at me, her eyes unsure what to say. ‘You look good.’ She looks uncomfortable.

‘Thanks,’ she replies, looking down at the box in my hands, ‘is that everything?’

‘Yeah, you want me to put it in the car?’ I say. She thinks for a moment then seemingly gives in.

‘Sure.’

I follow her downstairs and over to the car. She opens the boot and I place the box inside. I step back and she closes it. Our eyes meet, she looks away.

‘So, are you doing okay?’ she asks.

‘Yeah, you know. Things are good.’ She nods slowly.

‘What about you? You get that job?’

‘Yeah. It’s going really well.’ Her accent faintly slurs the words, the familiarity of it suddenly makes my heart sink.

‘Good.’ A long pause before I say, ‘I’ve missed you.’ She looks at me, forlorn eyes.

‘We can’t do this, Ollie.’

‘I know, I know. I just…wanted you to know,’ I say.

‘It’s not easy for me. I loved you, you have no idea how much -’ she replies.

‘I do-’

‘No you don’t. You threw it all away. Such a waste,’ she says, shaking her head.

‘Maybe we could-’

‘Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare say that. Bad enough I have to come here but to see you, speak to you as well?’ She sighs. ‘I have to go.’

‘Wait, look, let’s give it another try. I know I was arse, I know I was selfish and took you for granted but these last few months have been literally the worst of my life. I can’t think without you. Can’t do anything worth anything.’

‘It’s too late Ollie. It’s all too late.’

‘Svetla, please.’

‘I have to go.’ She places a hand on my shoulder, leans in and kisses me on the cheek. ‘Take care of yourself, okay.’ I want to be dignified, strong in this moment but I’m panicking.

‘Svetla please, don’t go okay? Why don’t we just go for a chat somewhere? Talk through the things we need to get sorted.’ She sighs, opens the door without looking at me and gets in. I stand there, not wanting her to leave but unable to throw away any remaining pride. She closes the door. ‘I love you,’ I say. She looks at me, shakes her head, a vague disappointment in her eyes, then starts the engine. There’s nothing more to say. I can only watch as she drives to the end of my road, indicates left and is gone. I stand, staring after her, hoping that I might see her little red car drive back. It doesn’t.

The rest of the day moves achingly slow. I keep replaying the conversation with Svetla in my head. She really is moving on. I know I need to do the same but there’s a need, a desperation in me that I just can’t let go. I want her to be happy. I just happen to think she’d be happiest with me. I was a dickhead during the last few months of our relationship, but I really think if we were to get back together now it would be a completely different story.

I sit on the sofa, leaning forward, staring at the floor. I run my hands through my hair and cover my face. I breathe into my palms and close my eyes. Fuck me, this is hard. I need someone to talk to. I think I could do with some sense being knocked into me. Ashley is the best person for that. My hands drop from my face and I sigh heavily. My eyes wander to the window, the sun is partially blocked by a cloud floating in front of it. The sky looks like a Turner painting, almost as if The Divine is trying to tell me to get it together. I take the hint. Right.

I stand up and pull on a coat. It’s not cold out but it’s not hot either. I grab my keys from the table and head out. I walk along Northcote Road with purpose. Lots of people out today, buses rev loudly past me. Every so often someone beeps at the person in front of them. Ashley will give me good advice. If I’m honest, I know what she’s going to say. I need to move on, get on with it, go out with Lauren etc. but I still need to hear it.

I round the corner and cross the road, narrowly avoiding a double-decker that races passed me. Fucking bus drivers and he has the gall to give me an evil. What a cock. I get to Ashley’s pub, open the door and walk inside. It’s quiet again. The old man in the shabby black coat, who spoke to me the first time I came in here, is sitting at the bar, reading a newspaper. He must live here. A tourist couple sit in the corner looking at photos on their camera. I walk in slowly and approach the bar. A tall bodybuilder type barman is polishing glasses. He nods at me as I approach.

‘Hello mate, what can I get you?’ he asks, in a surprisingly cheerful voice.

‘Uh, just a Coke please,’ I reply. He puts the empty glass down.

‘Is Pepsi okay?’ he asks. I frown. No, if I wanted Pepsi I would have asked for fucking Pepsi. I want Coke.

‘Sure. Is uh, Ashley here?’

‘Yeah, she’s out back with Norman,’ he replies, filling the empty glass from the Pepsi hose. Norman? Who’s he, the manager? Something inside me suddenly feels uncomfortable. ‘Here you go, one pound fifty please.’ I pay him. ‘You want me to get her?’

‘It’s okay, if she’s busy. I’ll just be over here,’ I reply, walking over towards a booth. As I put my glass down on the table, I glance to the left and see Ashley in the shadows, mid-snog. The subject of her affection is a middle-aged guy wearing thick-rimmed glasses and a tank top, last known whereabouts, nineteen sixty-two. I look away, hoping she hasn’t seen me and feeling strangely embarrassed. Unfortunately, she has.

‘Ollie? What are you doing here? Are you stalking me?’ I turn and smile.

‘Hi. No. Sorry, I didn’t realise you were…busy,’ I say. They both look down. She turns and walks over to me. The guy, who I assume to be called Norman, takes his cue and walks through a door that reads ‘Staff Only.’

‘You saw, didn’t you?’ she asks.

‘Uh…saw what?’ I feign. She shoots me a disbelieving look and I say, ‘Okay yes.’ She sits down opposite me.

‘It’s not what you think.’

‘Ash, I don’t care who you do, or uh…see.’

‘It’s just a stupid thing,’ she replies. ‘He’s old enough to be my dad.’

‘Hey, stop justifying yourself. I don’t care, as long as you’re happy,’ I say. She shakes her head and sighs.

‘How’d it go with the Swedish one?’ The question throws me suddenly and I fluster for an answer.

‘It…went okay, you know. As good as could be expected I guess.’

‘She didn’t want a reconciliation then?’

‘No.’

‘That sucks.’

‘Yeah.’

‘You okay?’

‘Not really. But hey, nothing I can do about it, right?’

‘Fraid not. What a pair we are.’

‘So are you like, going out with that guy?’

‘Norman? No, we’re just…’ she shakes her head, trying to think, ‘I don’t really know what we are.’

‘Can’t believe you’re seeing a guy called Norman.’

‘Why is that funny?’

‘Norm? Ash, please.’

‘I didn’t christen him,’ she replies. I shake my head.

‘Man, my opinion of you has really dropped.’

‘Yeah, because you have such high standards.’ I look at her, considering how to respond. ‘Look, he’s probably just a stopgap after Gary. Bit like you.’

‘Me?’

‘Well, we seem to have ended up in bed since I started living with you.’ I nod slowly and smile.

‘Hmm, yeah well...so have you and Norm-’

‘None of your business, Hayward.’

‘He’s a large man.’

‘Stop right there.’

‘I’m just trying to work out the physics with the glasses.’ She tilts her head, her expression suddenly annoyed.

‘Hey, play nice, okay,’ she says.

‘Sorry.’

‘What about that Barbie doll you’re seeing? She can’t exactly be top of the gene pool.’

‘Lauren? Well, she runs a bank, she’s not stupid.’

‘High maintenance though. Looks like a princess to me.’

‘She’s not really. At least, not from what I’ve seen.’

‘Uh huh. You wait. Auntie Ashley is always right.’ We sit quietly for a moment before I say,

‘Norman,’ I repeat, smiling. She looks at me and smiles, rolling her eyes.

Ashley is eventually called away to do some work. I wait patiently in the hope she might get a little more time. But every time I see her she’s busy. I decide maybe I should just speak to her at home and grab my coat.

‘Hey, I’ll see you later,’ I call. She waves.

‘See you back there,’ she replies.

‘Ciao,’ I say, waving. I open the door and step outside.

I do some window shopping on my way home. There’s nothing I want or can afford. Within twenty minutes I’m back at my place. I see Tristan having a smoke. Refreshingly, it looks like a cigarette this time, rather than hemp.

‘Your dog’s barking,’ Tristan says.

‘I don’t have a dog,’ I reply. This small detail confuses him. He frowns, trying to work out whatever it is he’s thinking.

‘No you have a dog and it was barking its nuts off.’

‘Mate, I don’t have a dog.’

‘Well what the fuck was all that barking?’

‘Could have been Parker. He’s got a new girlfriend.’ Tristan eyes me suspiciously then nods slowly.