Three Loving Words (13 page)

The issue was that I knew she’d never accept it from me.  That put me in a jam.  How was I going to give her a car without her knowing it was from me?  I hated to admit that it actually took me about a week to finally figure it out.  I knew Paige was close to her sister.  I could tell from the way Nora glared at me whenever we saw each other.  But I also heard Paige talking to her several times a week.  She’d be my key.

“Hello?” Nora picked up, her voice hesitant.

“Hi, Nora?”

“Yes, who’s calling?”

“It’s Enzo.”

“Enzo?” she screeched, her voice full of confusion.

“Um, yeah.” I drew it out like who else?

“Oh, my God!  Is Paige okay? What happened to her?  Why are you calling me and not an ambulance?”  She spewed the questions out like I was a madman and she was trying to run away.

“I’ll make this simple.  Paige is all right.  Nothing happened.  I’m calling because I need to speak with you.”

“Well, I don’t want to speak to you,” she responded indignantly.

“Look, I know you don’t particularly like me, but I don’t really care for you either.  So let’s cut to the chase, shall we?”

“Let’s,” she mocked.

“I’m sure you are aware of Paige’s car accident a few months ago?”

“And how you gallantly took care of her?” Her voice took on a softer tone, which surprised me.

“Is that how she put it?”

“Not exactly, and this doesn’t mean I like you, but that was my interpretation of the events.”

“Yes, well …” I paused a bit uncomfortably.  Paige was managing to affect me without even being there.  “She’s been driving some rusty old thing that looks like it should be at the dump.  I would offer to buy her a car or even give her mine, but we both know she won’t take it.  So this is the reason for my call.”

“Why, Enzo?”

“What do you mean?  I need your help to give her a car.”

“I gathered as much, but why do you care?”

“I don’t.  That car is polluting the air I breathe.  It’s an eyesore and I can’t have my wife driving around in that crap.  It’s for purely selfish reasons.”

“You sound so sure of yourself.” I could hear the smile in her voice.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means you seem to have some pretty good moments for a jerk.  And they are all laced with bullshit excuses.”

“I don’t have time for these games.  I don’t care what car Paige drives.  I don’t care if you think I’m an asshole or a fucking saint.  I want to give her a new car and you’re either going to help or not.”

There was silence on the other end as if she was thinking.  I didn’t understand how this was such a difficult decision.

“I’m in.  What am I supposed to do?”

“Okay, so I know she won’t believe you magically got money to buy her a new car.  But I’ll get her a used car, something reliable, but cheap enough she won’t think twice.”

“And where did I get the money for that, huh?  I’m finishing up school, but I don’t get paid much at my job until I’m full time there.”

“You had a guy who owed you a favor.  He was looking to get rid of his old car.  This was a win-win.”

“And why on earth would someone owe me that kind of favor?  The only reason a guy would do that is either because he liked me and wanted to impress me or I paid him in sex, and I am not a prostitute.”

“I don’t give a damn what kind of favor.  You tutored him, he liked you, don’t care.  You’re a smart girl, figure something out.”

“All right, fine.  It sounds to me like he likes me.  Does that sound familiar to you?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

She was getting on my nerves. I didn’t know what she was implying, but it was rubbing me the wrong way.  I gave her the details and we hung up.  Two days later, I watched from the window as Paige got her “new” car.  The wide smile on her face actually pulled at some nonexistent string inside my heart.  I felt kind of like a good guy for that small moment.  It was a nice feeling, and then it passed, but I’d admit it was worth it.

Paige

After Nora had hooked me up with a car, she started acting a little weird whenever we talked about Enzo.  She’d change the subject when I complained; she’d tell me guys were misunderstood and complicated.  It was starting to become a little weird.  I figured she had started dating someone and was in some kind of odd love bubble where everything was great.  It turned out she had started dating someone, but it wasn’t until about a few months after she had started hinting that Enzo might have a couple of good qualities.  I attributed it to stress because she couldn’t think Enzo was anything but a jerk.  I had seen glimpses of a good guy, but that was all they were – glimpses.  If he had been like that always, every day, I would have probably fallen head over heels for him, but every time I allowed myself to dream about Enzo as my savior, we’d argue and that dream would shatter.

Nora’s sudden passive attitude versus her original hateful attitude toward Enzo did start to seep in a little, especially when she pointed out the far and few between “pleasant” moments we had.  But that was just it; a few good times didn’t cancel out all the bad ones. I couldn’t let go of that, and even if I could, what good would that do me?  I wouldn’t magically wake up in a perfect love story with a husband who adored me.  This was still Enzo, the man who hated me.

By Christmas that year, I was a mess.  I had never cared too much for the holidays.  Some people got excited about winter and gift giving and all that nonsense.  Don’t get me wrong, I was no Scrooge, but I didn’t see the big deal.  Maybe it was because I never was in the limelight for anything all my life, not even on my birthdays, so I just didn’t care about major events as such.  Enzo insisted we attend a big party at his parents’ home on Christmas Eve.

I had been warned, as I had before every public function, that we were to behave like a happily married couple.  I doubted the world didn’t know we had a false marriage, but every time Enzo touched me like he truly cared, I was happy to play along.  It was always those nights that made me look at Enzo differently.  I believed my own acting.  This time, though, I was actually getting into the Christmas spirit.  That was what was driving me nuts.  That wasn’t me.  I blamed it on Nora and her giddy attitude.  She made buying into my make-believe night that much easier.

The car ride was silent, but the minute we walked through his parents’ door, we transformed into a happy couple.  It was the same as always – he’d make sure I was fed, he’d get my drinks, and I’d touch his arm lightly and laugh at his stupid jokes.  The one thing we never did was go overboard.  No public displays of affection, no lingering touches, no looking into each other’s eyes.  That night had started out no different.

It was right before we were about to sit down to dinner that things changed.

“Oh, look,” one of Connie’s meddling friends cried out as she pointed above my head.  I obediently looked up and immediately wished I hadn’t.  “Go on, you lovebirds,” she coaxed.  “You must kiss under the mistletoe.”

I hadn’t dared to look at Enzo, but I could feel his body tighten beside mine.  This was bad.  This was very bad.  I didn’t want to kiss him any more than he probably wanted to kiss me.  And even if I could pull it off, it’d be a lie. Everyone would know and then I’d be in trouble with Gerry.

“We, uh, don’t like any public displays of affection.” Enzo spoke up after clearing his throat.

“Nonsense,” she retorted.  “Just a peck.  You don’t want to upset the mistletoe gods, do you?  Besides, this is nothing for a young couple as clearly in love as you both are.”  I guess my acting was better than I even thought.  And apparently, Enzo’s was, too.

We turned to face each other, our movements slow, stiff even.  My throat suddenly felt dry and I licked my lips as my nerves kicked in.  I saw Enzo’s eyes move to my mouth and I swore I heard his breath hitch.  A little part of me was thrilled that this was affecting him.  He looked back into my eyes, a swirl of desire clouding the pleading in which he seemed to be asking my permission for this.  That confused me. He had never asked permission for anything before, especially not on our wedding night.  Yet for an innocent kiss he needed me to say yes?  I didn’t get it.  I nodded my head slightly so only he could see, and then he leaned toward me.

I didn’t know what happened, but the minute I knew our lips were seconds away from touching, there was a pull between us.  My body leaned in toward his of its own accord, my eyes fluttered closed as if this were a movie in slow motion, my lips parted ever so slightly, and then I felt his lips brush mine.  They were soft and plump.  It was just a whisper of a kiss, as if our lips were getting to know each other, just simply saying hello rather than starting a conversation.  They said you saw stars when the kiss was magical.  I didn’t see any stars, but it did feel magical.  I didn’t know how it happened or who initiated it, but our lips pressed together, moving against each other in sync even though our lips stayed closed.  I hadn’t had much kissing experience, but I knew I’d never felt that kind of rush from a full-on tongue-assault kiss before, let alone a simple peck.  When we pulled away, it was mutual, our bodies leaning away from each other.  I had opened my eyes before Enzo did, and I watched as he sucked in a breath, his full lips parted in a pout.  It took me a lifetime to remember I had just kissed Enzo and not some knight.  I was in a trance, a spell that Christmas had put me under.  I couldn’t understand it, but I didn’t want to either.  Then Enzo opened his eyes.  They focused on me and I could tell he was in the same stupor as me.  He looked at me as if he was seeing me for the first time and liked what he saw. That hadn’t been our first kiss, but it sure felt like it.  The only other time our lips had touched was when they brushed lightly against each other on our wedding day.  But that day had been hell for both of us, and only painful memories were attached to that day.  Enzo’s lips hadn’t affected me then the way they had now, and by the look in his eyes, I knew he felt the same way.

“Oh my, that was something,” the friend spoke, and just like that, the enchantment was broken.  We pulled apart quickly and finished off the evening as if it was just another outing.  When we came home, we each made our way to our own rooms without a word, and then the next day, we pretended as if nothing had happened.  But deep down in my heart, in the very pit of my soul, I remembered … I remembered exactly how it felt for Enzo to kiss me.  And for the very first time, I was jealous of all the “Oh, Enzo.”

Enzo

That kiss.  That kiss.  That kiss.  Kissing wasn’t a big deal to me.  I’d kissed hundreds of women.  It was all part of getting physical, which I was all for.  Kissing Paige for the sake of appeasing some noisy bitch should have been no problem, except it was Paige.  I didn’t want to kiss her for several reasons – I vowed I wouldn’t touch her, but this didn’t really count; I didn’t like being put on the spot, especially since it was thanks to my dad, but I had already acquiesced. I hated Paige, but it was not as if everyone I had ever gotten physical with was someone I truly liked. Hey, I was a guy – a willing girl was all I needed.  I had listed the reasons I didn’t want to kiss her and found opposing views for every point in my head. The only one I couldn’t argue against was the fact I was actually terrified of the unknown.  I desired Paige because I wasn’t blind.  She was stunning, beautiful, seemingly innocent, and I loved that and loathed it.  I wanted to taste her lips for as long as I could remember, but I despised the fact that I wanted that.

I had already argued against myself on numerous occasions, not that it made a difference since I never expected to kiss her, but now, I had no choice.

Like I said, I didn’t take much stock in kissing, but that was before I felt her soft, warm lips hesitantly brushing against mine.  That was before I tasted the lingering hint of champagne.  That was before I felt the puff of her hot breath mingling with my own.  That wasn’t a kiss; it was an escape from reality.  I saw the dazed look in Paige’s eye and I knew she’d felt it, too.  I just really wished I hadn’t felt that kind of rush from Paige’s lips because it was going to make fighting my desire for her that much harder.

We continued the rest of the night as if nothing had transpired and even went to bed without so much as a word, but I couldn’t sleep.  I drifted in and out, and each time I closed my eyes, I saw Paige’s wide eyes and her parted lips.  Damn fucking lust.  It should have known that the object of my desire wasn’t supposed to be what I hungered for.  They said there was a thin line between love and hate, but to me, it was a thin line between lust and hate and the line was slowing disappearing.

I heard soft whimpering from Paige’s room.  That’s it, I thought to myself.  I was not about to be the only one suffering from this mess.  I flung the sheets off my bed and made my way to Paige’s room.  I opened the door with a creak and saw Paige fly up in surprise.

“Wha … what are you doing here?” she asked, her voice soft and questioning, her hair mussed and her eyes glassy from sleep.

“We need to talk about what happened tonight.  We need to talk about that kiss.”

Paige

“There’s nothing to talk about.  It was all part of the act, right?” I asked, surprised that he had come into my room.  I had been dreaming about Enzo.  It had been hot and heavy and I had surprised myself with what I had been thinking of.  He was the last person on Earth I wanted anything physical with, but my mind and body were calling me a liar.  It was as if he had known I was thinking of him as he barged into my room.

“Come on, Paige, we both know there was more to it than that.”

“I … I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I stuttered as I held the blanket tightly to my chest.

He took slow, deliberate steps, as if he were on the prowl and I was the prized kill.  Normally, I would have felt scared; I would have scooted back, afraid he’d take advantage of me… or worse.  But strangely, I didn’t feel that this time.  I was craving his touch.  I wanted a replay of that kiss and more.  The way he was looking at me had me thinking I would get just that.  I felt delirious with lust, sexy even.  Enzo made me feel that way.  For everything else he did horrible, he seemed to be making up for it now. I felt like a temptress, as if I was all he could see – something I had craved for as long as I could remember. I was no longer a shadow, the second choice to my sister.  I was the first pick in the draft, the starting lineup, and Enzo was my goal.

“Tell me you want me,” he whispered as he approached, his face so close to mine, I only had to lean a bit to touch his lips with mine.  “Tell me you want me and I’ll give us both what we need.”

“I want you.”  I heard the words, but I didn’t know where they came from.   Surely, it hadn’t been me, but the minute his lips crashed into mine, I realized my mouth had uttered the words my body needed to hear before my mind could even process them.

He felt even better than the first time.  I didn’t know whether I pulled him down or he climbed on top of me, but I found myself pinned beneath him.  There was a brief flash of memory to the last time I was underneath him, and I cringed before I had a chance to push that thought away.

“What’s wrong?” He pulled back.  He was so sweet and gentle, so different from the man I was used to.  If he continued on this path, he was going to push all hateful thoughts aside quicker than they came in the first place.

“It’s nothing,” I whispered and reached up to pull him back down, not wanting anything to ruin this moment.

He tucked a strand of hair behind my ears.  “I never got a chance to tell you, but I’m so sorry, Paige.  That man, he wasn’t me.  I could blame it on alcohol, on nerves, on any number of things, but it doesn’t excuse what I did that night.  I’m an asshole and I won’t blame you if you don’t forgive me.  I just hope you see it was a momentary lapse in sanity.  And my behavior all this time … it was because I was beating myself up, hating myself and transposing that on you.  This guy, right here, this is who I am.  Please forgive me.”

“I already have,” I cried, the tears running slowly down my cheeks.  I reached up to touch my cheek and I felt the warm trail and tasted the salt as it entered my mouth.  I could taste the salt.  I could taste the salt.  I shot up, panting.  I clutched the blanket, willing my breathing to calm down.  I was alone in my room, the moonlight casting an eerie glow.  I touched my hand to my cheek as I had in my dream and found my cheeks to be indeed wet.

It was everything I had needed and more, and it was just a dream.  I wiped the tears and was just about to fall back into bed, praying for the rest of the night to be dreamless when I heard the soft noises from Enzo’s room.  At first, I was angry, completely irrationally so because I assumed he had yet another girl in there.  What right did he have to be with me and then with someone else so quickly?  But I remembered it was just a dream.  It didn’t stop my jealousy from rearing its head.  I was having a hard time distinguishing dream Enzo from the real one.  The noises got louder.  The dream had clearly messed with my head because I normally would never have made my way into his room to check on him, but that was exactly what I did.

He was writhing and moaning when I made my way into his room.

“Enzo,” I whispered softly as I shook him lightly.  He leaned into my touch.  He was clearly having a very bad dream if he sought comfort in me.

“Enzo,” I said louder and shook him a little stronger.

“What?” He shot up much like I had in my own room.  He looked around the room, trying to focus on the surroundings.  I saw the puzzled expression on his face as he realized where he was and then watched it grow in confusion as his eyes landed on me.

“You’re here?” he asked.  The way he worded it was a bit awkward, but I understood what he was asking.  He wanted to know why I was in his room.

“You were having a bad dream, and I heard you in my room.  I came to wake you up.”

I was expecting some kind of retort, to which I had already thought to reply with something like, “It was for purely selfish reasons.  I couldn’t sleep with you yammering away here.”

Instead, I got, “Oh.”

“So, um, bad dream?”

“Something like that,” he muttered.

“Want to talk about it?”  I mentally slapped myself on the forehead.  I should have turned and walked away after I woke him up, but again, I was seeing Enzo as something different.  Reality and fantasy were blending.

“No, no, I’m good.”

“Well, all right, then.” I back up a step.  “Good night.”

“Yeah, good night,” he responded, his eyes locking with mine.  They were saying something, some kind of message I couldn’t understand, at least not in the dark with the shadows clouding them.  I doubted I’d be able to read him in the light of day either, but I wanted to.  I really wanted to know what private conversation he was trying to have with me.

“Well, good night,” I repeated like an idiot and turned, making my way swiftly to the door.

“Hey, Paige,” he called out.

“Yeah?” I turned, my hand already on the doorknob.

“Thanks.”

I nodded, too shocked for words.  That was certainly one word I never thought I’d hear Enzo utter.  That and “sorry.”  Maybe fantasy really was reality.  I went back to sleep and as far as I know, had no more dreams, erotic or tame.  That night had been a turning point for me, maybe even a little bit for Enzo, too.

We continued our routine as always – with bitter contempt – but from that point on, there was some kind of underlying goodness; some unspoken quality neither of us wanted to talk about but also didn’t quite ignore.  I couldn’t say that I liked Enzo after that night, but I would say this.  I no longer hated him.  Even when things were “bad,” it didn’t eat at me the way it had before.  Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of times I wanted to beat him with whatever object was closest to me, but things were different.  I’d never truly be able to explain why or how. They just were.