Though My Heart Is Torn: The Cadence of Grace, Book 2 (11 page)

Lonnie forced herself to make sense of the man’s words, rearranging them to be different—but each time the meaning was the same.

When Gideon started to protest, the gray-haired man held up a
hand. “I know, I know. We have not even resolved the matter. I am just warning you. We will by this evening.” With a sigh, he lowered his voice. “I’ll do what I can to help you two. If this is what you want, I will try to persuade Reverend Brown.”

Gideon nearly smiled—the corners of his mouth turned up, and his green eyes sparkled with hope. “I would appreciate that.” He blinked slowly. “More than you know.”

Lonnie didn’t share his comfort. For cobwebs had stitched themselves in the path from her mind to her heart.

“Yes. Yes. Well, don’t count your eggs just yet. But I’ll see what I can do.” He tipped his hat and cleared his throat. “Besides”—he glanced at Lonnie’s face, and she knew what fire he saw there—“it looks like you have bigger problems to worry about.”

You think so?
Her anger bubbled, nearly sending the words to her tongue.

The reverend motioned toward the wagon.

“Just give us a moment,” Gideon said.

With a curt nod, Reverend Gardner strode toward his wagon.

They stood there alone. Lonnie watched Gideon’s chest slowly rise and fall beneath his white shirt. She couldn’t bring her eyes to his face.

“How could you do this?” she whispered.

His hand found hers.

She pulled it away.

As if moved by an urgency, he held the back of her head, pulling her to his chest. Lonnie could hold back the tears no longer. She clutched his shirt in her hands. Wanting to shake him. Wanting to hold on and never let go. Her Gideon. He kissed her hair, lingering, and her shoulders shook with sobs. She slid free. She couldn’t be that close to him.

Something had broken inside her, and she didn’t know if it would ever be repaired.

How would she wait until evening? She wrapped her arms around herself, digging her fingers into whatever flesh they found. Her knees threatened to buckle. Run away. Like a caged bird, the possibility had flitted about her mind all morning. But it was no solution. Gideon cupped her elbow, and she stepped away, lest she forget that he hadn’t truly changed. At least not enough.

Lonnie hopped down from the wagon and strode off. Gideon called her name. She quickened her pace to a run. Her boots squished in the slick mud, but she managed to keep from falling. He caught her wrist, slowing her gently. She struck his arm and yanked free.

“Lonnie.” He ran in front of her, halting her steps.

She shoved against his shoulders, not caring when he grunted in pain.

“Lonnie, please.” He held his hands aloft, making no move to stop her.

She searched defeated eyes. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

He tugged off his hat. Ruddy hair stood out in all directions. “I don’t expect you to forgive me.”

She made an incredulous sound.

“I should have told you. I thought it was all settled; I thought there was no reason to bring it up. Lonnie, I—”

“No reason to bring it up?” Her jaw went slack. “No reason to bring it up? How about the fact that I was your wife? Is that not reason enough to tell me that you were married?”

He palmed the back of his head, fingers digging into his skin. “I was wrong. So wrong. If I could do it all over—”

“Gideon, don’t you know what’s happening?” Her voice cracked. “They’re going to take you away from me.” She let out an infuriated groan and crouched down, fists pressed to her eyes. What was she saying? Why oh why did she have to love Gideon O’Riley?

“No, don’t say that.” His voice shook, drawing her eyes to his face. “Please.” The last word came out broken.

Slowly, she stood. “Why? Because you love me?”

“Yes.” He gripped her arms, lowering his face until they were eye level. “With everything that’s in me.”

She pulled from his grasp. “Then tell me. Exactly what happened.”

As if her words had punched his chest, his chin tipped back. “You don’t want to—”

“Tell. Me.”

Their gazes locked and held. She refused to glance away. The breeze swirled her hair, and she clutched it away from her face. He ran a hand over his unshaven jaw.

He took a deep sigh. Then another, his eyes on the ground. Remembering. “I was so stupid … I’ve known Cassie since I was a kid. Her brother and I were best friends.”

Lonnie stepped closer, so soft was his voice.

Ever so slowly, Gideon shook his head from side to side. “I … I …”

Lonnie rolled her eyes. “You liked her. Just spit it out.”

Clearing his throat, he blinked rapidly, his eyes finding hers. “I did. We started spending a lot of time together. First it was all just fun. Then it just … changed.” He cleared his throat as if the truth tasted bitter. He shifted his feet, then straightened his shoulders. His resolve. “There’s a cabin on her pa’s farm. An old shack, really.” Guilt tipped his eyes to the ground. “We went there so we could be alone.”

A sickening rose in her stomach. “Alone.”

“Yes.”

“What do you mean?” But her chest collapsed because she already knew.

“Lonnie.” His voice was dry, eyes filled with a self-loathing. “We weren’t playing checkers.”

Her head grew light. “And then what?” The words were pitifully small.

“She got scared.”

Lonnie nearly scoffed.

“She came to me, saying it had all been a mistake. Which of course it was.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “She didn’t know what to do. She felt trapped.” He hesitated.

“And …”

“She said she wanted to get married. I told her no.” He tugged at his hair. “She said she’d go to her father. In the end, I had no choice.”

“You poor, poor thing.” Wind rustled the trees on the edge of the clearing. Her skirt swirled around her legs.

“Lonnie, I don’t have anything to say that will be enough. I don’t blame you if you hate me. I should never have done this to you.” His fingertips touched her hip. “I don’t wish away a single moment with you. I don’t regret marrying you. I can’t.” He clutched a fistful of his hair, frustration thicker than the moss of his green eyes. “If I should, I’m sorry, but I can’t.” He stepped closer.

She pressed fists to her eyes, everything inside her conflicting. “How could you do this?” Her voice muffled against her arms. It was the only thing she could say. And she would say it over and over until it made sense.

“I don’t want to lose you. But it doesn’t matter what I want. I just want to take care of you. I want to make this right for you, Lonnie.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“We could leave. We could go where they can’t find us.”

“What makes you think I would go with you?”

Gideon lowered himself to his knees. “Lonnie. If it takes the rest of my life for you to trust me again, I’ll spend every day doing just that. I love you and Jacob more than you know.” His lips parted, eyes wide. “You don’t deserve this, not one bit of it. Please, let me make it up to you.”

“Don’t you understand?” A single tear slipped and fell. She brushed it away, determined not to cry. “It’s not about what I want.” She waved toward the road they had just traveled. “It’s what
they
want.” Chilled, she pulled her sweater tighter, curling her hands inside the sleeves. “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

He moistened his lips and nodded soberly. “That’s fair. Very fair.” A broken heart confessed itself in his eyes. “Please let me show you that I’m the same man I was yesterday. All this … all this is who I used to be.”

Yet it had come back to haunt him.

Turning, Lonnie walked away. He made no move to follow. Good. It was better this way. She couldn’t think clearly when he was so near. Lonnie wished she were a child. She wished she could curl up in her aunt Sarah’s lap, open her heavy Bible to a favorite psalm, and let Sarah’s calming voice lull her toward peace. But she wasn’t a child and—Lord forgive her unbelief—she had just lost all hope of peace.

Lonnie lifted her glass to her lips but tasted nothing as she swallowed. Her ma exchanged glances with her from across the table, and Lonnie lowered her eyes. Her family ate with nothing but the sound of forks on plates breaking the silence. Beside her, Gideon had hardly touched his food. Yet her pa spooned stew into his mouth with gluttonous delight.

Why, Pa?
Lonnie could hardly look at the man. He had done this. He had dragged them home. All she had wanted to do was see her ma. And that had led them both into the smoothly concealed trap.

Oliver’s voice pulled her from her thoughts. “Lonnie, please pass the squash.”

She lifted the heavy bowl and let him take a scoop before lowering the dish to the table. The silence continued. Lonnie cut a piece of her meat and forced herself to take a bite. An owl hooted. Night had fallen but still no sign of the visitors who were certain to come. Her heart quickened at a noise. She set her fork down and peered out the window but saw only inky blackness.

“Addie, get your elbows off the table,” their ma said softly.

Addie did as she was told, and Lonnie flashed her little sister a weak smile. She remembered being that age. If only she could turn back time.
If only she could do it all over again. She would never have set foot beside Gideon O’Riley.

His arm moved against her, the scent of cedar and smoke lifting from his white shirt. His hand rested on the bench beside hers, fingers all but touching. Tears stung the backs of her eyes. She was lying to herself. If she had the chance to do it all over again, she would have married Gideon O’Riley before any other girl got the notion. Stuffing her hands in her lap, she stared at her plate and contemplated picking up her fork. She could not turn back time. She didn’t know how to unlove him.

A knock sounded at the door. Every hand stilled and every eye stared at the closed entry.

Slowly, Joel scooted back his chair. “Don’t everyone jump up at once.” He tossed his napkin next to his plate and stood.

The curtains danced in the cold air when he pushed the door open. The candle in the center of the table trembled. Reverend Gardner and Henry Allan entered. Eli stepped in behind them, his gaze sharp. Yet no shotgun filled his palm.

“Come in, come in.” Joel hurried to close out the wet night air. “We were just finishin’ up.”

Cassie strode in last. Her dark hair swept to the side, a scarlet ribbon tying the unruly tendrils. She blew a strand of hair from her face, and eyes the color of an icy creek glanced around the room before landing on Gideon.

The clergyman shifted his feet, his face colorless. Lonnie pressed her hands together, willing them to stop trembling. After lifting a heavy shawl from her shoulders, Cassie smoothed the lines of her airy white blouse.

Joel waved an arm toward the already crowded room. “Come have a seat. Children, off with you.”

Sid and Oliver exchanged glances. They threw down their napkins and pushed back chairs, then headed outdoors. Addie went toward the bedroom, baby Charlotte filling her arms.

“Try and keep her quiet. I’ll be in in just a moment,” her ma said. “And try not to wake Jacob.”

Maggie closed the door softly behind them. She moved to the stove and handed Joel a steaming cup. She wiped her hands on her apron. “Can I get anybody anything?”

Her pa shook his head. “That’ll be fine, Maggie. We’ll just get on with our business. Lonnie. Gideon.” He motioned them forward.

They sat in a half circle around the fireplace. With Gideon to her left and her pa to her right, all Lonnie had to do was look across to see the Allans and Reverend Gardner staring back at her.

Reverend Gardner cleared his throat. “I apologize for Reverend Brown’s absence. He had some last-minute business to attend to, and since we, uh, came to a mutual resolution, he”—the clergyman cleared his throat a second time—“felt satisfied if I deliver the news.”

Lonnie swallowed and blinked back tears.

“And what conclusion have you come to?” Joel demanded. “Is my daughter’s reputation ruined? Or will you spare us all the embarrassment?”

Reverend Gardner’s mouth drew into a thin line. “With all due respect, the matter is not about Lonnie. It’s about Gideon—the man with two wives.”