This Savage Heart (17 page)

Thomas sighed, impressed all over again by Derek’s sensitivity. “Yeah,” he admitted, “he’s got me and everybody else worried. He’s like a ghost. It’s like we buried his soul back there with Teresa, and all we’ve got riding with us is an empty shell.” He hesitated a moment. “I figured you’d want to bypass Fort Bowie, and I was thinking maybe we shouldn’t. There might be a doctor there who could help him, and—”

“No doctor can help Myles Marshall,” Derek interrupted. “I’m not unsympathetic, Thomas, but the fact remains he’s got to work out his grief in his own way. I’ve got to worry about the safety of everyone else. I can’t let one man affect my thinking—
any
one man,” he added pointedly.

Thomas nodded. “There’s something else,” he said slowly. “When I got Myles to talk a little, he hinted that maybe everybody would be better off without him. I’ve got a feeling he may just strike out on his own anytime.”

“We can’t have that.” Derek stared back at the pass in the darkening twilight. “We’re going to need every man. Besides, it’s much too dangerous for a man to be traveling out here alone, especially one in his mental state. I’ll try to keep an eye on him, and you do the same.”

They stood in silence for a few moments, and then Derek spoke in such a sharp tone that Thomas instinctively stiffened.

“I think there’s something you and I need to talk about, and I think you know what it is. I meant it when I said I couldn’t let any man put us in danger.”

Thomas stared at the ground, his boot digging into the earth.

“You’re playing with fire, Thomas,” Derek snapped. “Elisa Thatcher is a married woman. She’s also a cunning bitch, and you may get yourself into a lot of trouble.”

Thomas raised his chin, refusing to be intimidated. “She’s also beautiful, Arnhardt, and warm. And I’m a man. And it’s been a hell of a long time—for both of us. We’re just giving each other something we both need to get us through the rough times. We aren’t hurting anybody.”

“You don’t have to justify yourself to me. Your personal life is none of my business, but the welfare of the people on this wagon train is. Just don’t get in over your head, and don’t shirk your duties.”

Thomas laughed. “I’m not falling in love with her, if that’s what you mean. We both know where we stand. It’s like I said—we’re just helping each other through some lonely nights.” He scratched his chin thoughtfully, then asked worriedly, “How many others know?”

Derek shrugged. “No one’s said anything to me.”

“Not even Julie?”

Derek smiled. “No, not even Julie, and if she’d heard anything, believe me, she would’ve said something.”

“Well, look”—Thomas gestured helplessly—“I mean, I know she’s married, but when we get out there, it’ll be over without anyone knowing. I’d just like to know how you found out, because if we’re getting careless…”

“Don’t worry.” Derek placed a reassuring hand on Thomas’s shoulder. “Let’s just say I guessed.”

Thomas nodded, and they began descending the hill. It made sense. Derek could see right into people. Always had. He hadn’t been the most daring blockade-runner in the Confederacy by being ordinary.

Everyone ate his fill of the
javelina
, its taste exotic but a welcome change after endless meals of beef jerky, potatoes, and cornmeal mush.

When everyone had finished, Derek announced that they would camp one day and one night longer, so that he and Thomas could explore the pass. “Don’t start asking me if I suspect there are Apache around,” he said. “I’ll be looking for Indians every minute from now on, but I will say that this is the pass the soldiers from Fort Bliss warned me about.

“We’re in the heart of Apache country,” he reminded bluntly, “and I want all of you to be aware of that. Keep your children close to you all the time. Don’t let them wander out on the plains, not for any reason. You men keep your guns loaded and ready at all times. Once we start through the pass, it should take us the better part of a day to get through it. Then we’re five days’ ride from Tucson. But in three days we’ll only be a day’s ride from Fort Huachucha, so we can go there if need be. I’ll breathe easier once we reach Tucson. The rest of the way beyond Tucson should be relatively safe. It’s right here that I’m worried about. Everyone stay on your toes.”

A murmur went through the crowd as soon as he was finished and women began gathering their children, herding them toward their wagons to tell them what was expected of them. The men went to check their weapons and ammunition.

Derek looked for Julie and found her where he knew she’d be, in the Bascomb wagon with the baby. Without having to be told, Sujen took the infant from Julie and Julie joined Derek outside the wagon. Hand in hand, they moved from the wagon to the privacy of a clump of bushes.

She laid her head against his chest, ripples of warmth moving through her as his arms enfolded her. Nothing could harm her as long as she was in his embrace. She sighed. “You must try to talk to Myles. Please. I didn’t think it was possible for him to withdraw any more than he already has, but he gets worse every day.” She related a few stories, then said, “Sometimes I hear him crying. And he won’t even look at the baby. I think he blames him for Teresa’s dying, but he won’t talk to me about any of it.”

“He’s got to work it out for himself,” Derek told her firmly. “A man has to handle grief in his own way, and nothing anybody says to him will make any difference.”

“But you aren’t going to Fort Bowie,” she said. “I wanted a doctor to see him.”

“A doctor can’t do anything, Julie,” he said wearily. “Now don’t give me a hard time, please. I’ve made a decision I feel is right for the welfare of everyone. I’ll go and try to talk to Myles, though, if it will make you feel better. Then I’m taking first watch. You get some sleep.”

Before they parted, he held her tightly against him and said, “Dream about me. Dream of how good it’s going to be when we have another chance to be together.”

He turned and forced himself to walk away, yearning to stay with her and knowing he couldn’t.

He found Myles lying on his back beneath his wagon, arms folded behind his head, staring upward but not seeing anything. He had not even bothered to spread out his bedroll but lay instead on the hard ground. Derek squatted down and peered at him silently. If Myles saw him he didn’t acknowledge him. Finally, Derek spoke. “Have you got your gun and ammunition ready, Myles?”

Myles waited so long to reply that Derek was about to repeat the question.

“No need.” His words were barely audible. “I’m moving out.”

“No, you’re not,” Derek countered. “Every man is needed to protect this wagon train. What about Julie? Your son? You want to desert them?”

With great effort, Myles moved his head enough to look at Derek. His eyes were lost, lonely, the reflection of his wretched grief. “I deserted myself the night Teresa died. Or something like that. That’s why I want to move on, to try to find something. Then I’ll come back. You look after them while I’m gone. You’re a better man than I am, Arnhardt.”

“When you’re down on your knees, it’s easy to believe every man you see stands tall. You were a man once,” Derek challenged. “Why don’t you come out of it and start acting like a man again?”

Myles’s eyes flashed, and Derek was pleased to see that much life in him. “Don’t push me, Arnhardt. You’ve never lost a wife, a baby—”

“No, but I’ve known grief. I like to think it made me stronger. Now get this straight, damn it.” He leaned forward. “You aren’t going anywhere. You’re going to stay and do what’s expected of you. If you want to hide under this goddamn wagon at night and feel sorry for yourself, fine. But during the day I’ll expect you to act like a man.”

Myles didn’t say another word. He seemed to retreat all the way into his own world, where he’d been for weeks. But Derek knew he’d heard and understood.

A little later, Julie saw Derek climbing to the rise where he would take first watch. She wanted to talk to Myles, but Louella called to her then, and she had to help with the baby. Sometime later, she made her way to Myles’s wagon and called out to him, but there was no answer. Tired, she went inside and lay down on her pallet. Sleep came quickly, and with it, an extraordinary dream.

She was standing before an altar, wearing a dress of shimmering white satin, sheathed in delicate lace. There were tiny diamonds scattered below the waist, like twinkling stars, and cascading ruffles that trailed to the floor and beyond her in a delicately twined train. The bodice teased her breasts, but white netting modestly covered her smooth flesh all the way to her neck. The neck was circled by milk-white pearls.

The radiance of her love for the man walking toward her could not be obscured by the soft white veil that draped from the emerald-studded tiara atop her head to below her hips.

Appearing from a rose-colored mist, resplendent in a coat of shy-blue velvet, he had never been so handsome. Thick wisps of coffee-colored hair curled boyishly round the rugged face, and deep brown-black eyes spoke of all his desires.

He stepped to her side, possessive hands clasping hers, and they turned to face a minister who solemnly intoned the vows of marriage.

Her wedding to Derek. A long dream surfacing finally, to kiss away forever the lonely doubts. Love, always and ever, eternally together, the way it was meant to be.

Then there came a soft cry from somewhere behind her. Julie tried to turn around, to see where the sound came from, so mournful, so wistful, but some unseen power held her. Pain stabbed at the back of her neck as she struggled against the invisible bonds. Then something thrust her head upward, from the rosy mist to golden clouds dancing above. The face of Teresa hovered there, an ethereal glow lighting her lovely smile. Something fell on Julie’s face, something infinitely soft, and as she lifted an upturned palm, there fell a delicate pink flower petal, then a yellow petal, then a blue one, then a white one. Suddenly the petals were raining down so thickly they began piling up at her feet, rising to her knees, then to her waist. She saw that Derek, too, was being buried in blossoms.

“My flowers!” Teresa cried. “Give me my flowers!” The blossoms became teardrops, and Teresa’s smile became a horror-filled grimace. “My baby! Give me my baby!” she cried.

Derek was backing away, leaving her alone with the sweet face that had changed so horribly. The tears became flower petals once again, and they were raining down too fast, packing tighter, covering her nostrils, smothering her. Julie couldn’t move though she willed every muscle in her body to run, run and be with Derek.

With a muffled cry Julie awoke, clawing at the blankets. It had begun as a dream and ended as a nightmare.

She stared about into the darkness. Something was not right. Something was terribly wrong.

She stood on shaky legs, groping in the blackness for her robe, then made her way among the cartons and boxes to the end of the wagon. The sky was tinged with the pink promise of a new day, but something told her she might not welcome this particular day.

She fell to her hands and knees, whispering Myles’s name. There was no answer. She reached out and felt for him, but her hands did not touch his warm, sleeping body. Frightened, she jumped from the wagon and looked underneath it. Even as she knelt to look, she knew he wouldn’t be there.

She ran to the supply wagon. There was no one there. Then she remembered. When Derek completed a watch, he sometimes slept on the rise instead of going to the wagon. She started running, calling out to him, not caring that her cries might awaken the others.

Derek, trained to awaken at the slightest sound, heard her and met her halfway down the slope. Quickly, she explained. “You’ve got to go after him!”

Derek ran his fingers through his mussed hair until the thing he was trying to grasp hit him all at once. “Where the hell is Thomas?” he demanded of the world around him, then took off down the slope in long, purposeful strides, Julie hurrying after.

Derek ran to the wagon belonging to Eugene Croom, where Elisa Thatcher had lived since she’d sold her own wagon. With one swift leap, he was up and inside, ignoring the startled cries of Eugene, his wife, and two small daughters. As he’d suspected, Elisa’s pallet was empty.

His voice split the stillness of dawn as he bellowed Thomas’s name, and almost instantly, a low growl of rage emanated from deep within him as Thomas emerged from beneath the Croom wagon, wearing only his long underwear. Julie watched as Elisa, her hair long and tangled, scrambled to conceal herself.

Derek sent his fist slamming into Thomas’s stunned face. He fell, and Derek grabbed his throat and jerked him up, holding him so hard he could barely breathe. “You son of a bitch! You were on
watch
!” Derek raged. “And you sneaked off to be with her! I ought to kill you!”

His free hand moved to hit Thomas again, and Julie threw herself between them. “Derek, no! There’s no time for this. You’ve got to find Myles before he gets too far away.”

Derek released Thomas, and he swayed for a moment, coughing and clutching his throat. “Myles is gone?” he croaked, looking at Julie, not daring to look at Derek.

“If you’d been on watch, you’d have heard him leave,” Derek snarled. “You could have stopped him.”

“Derek, please!” Julie repeated, desperate. “Don’t waste time standing here arguing.”

Elisa had crawled out from underneath the wagon as soon as she had her clothes on. Coolly, she said, “Really, Captain, I don’t think you’re in a position to condemn someone for doing the same thing you’ve been doing. I recall a few occasions when people were looking for
you
and found you…missing.” She cast a look toward Julie.