This Is Falling (9 page)

“Boyfriend?” I ask, just getting right to the
point. Not really ready to know if that word is in the past or
present tense.

She nods
yes
and takes the picture
back from me, pinning it to the bottom of the board and leaving it
there.

“One of your dad’s players?” I ask that,
hoping she’ll answer the rest without me asking. But she doesn’t.
She just nods again. The silence in the room is suffocating now,
and I feel like an intruder, so I hold my towel up and suck in my
bottom lip, giving myself some time to think.

“I’m gonna wash this for you. I’ll bring it
back, okay?” I say, my feet slowly backing out of her room.

“You can keep it,” she says, but there’s
something about the way her lips move that makes me feel like she
wants to say more, so I pause. I’m standing here, in the middle of
her room, looking into her eyes, and they make me want to cry.
After a few long seconds, when she doesn’t speak, I turn and
leave.

Rowe

The second he’s gone, the tears come
streaming down my face. I hate these pictures. I hate them, but I
love them. My mom told me not to bring them. “These things were
best left at home,” she said. But I wanted them with me. I wanted
Josh and Betsy with me, and not just in my head.

I hate you.

That’s all I write to Josh; I slam my laptop
closed again and fall to my bed, curling up into a ball with my
covers. When I hear Cass come in the door, I hold my breath,
stopping my cries, until she believes I’m sleeping; she gets her
keys and leaves me alone.

I slept the entire Saturday away. Of course,
I only slept in fifteen or twenty minute fits. I wasn’t really
tired, but my emotions were exhausted. Paige was out all weekend,
which was a blessing. But when she rolled into our room on Sunday
afternoon, she made up for all of the peace and quiet I enjoyed in
her absence.

“I’m thinking of rushing Delta or Sigma. I
like them both. Cass, what do you think?” I can tell Cass isn’t
listening, and I know Paige is only going to ask again, but louder,
so I decide to play defense.

“I think you should pick Sigma,” I say, not
really having a clue what Sigma or Delta or any of the other
goddamned annoying letters she’s been spewing for the last thirty
minutes mean. Frankly, I want to set up appointments with every
single one of McConnell’s sororities to warn them not to accept
her, to let them know what a
step down
they would be taking
in terms of their own personal standards. But I don’t. I don’t
because I also would give anything for Paige to move out and leave
Cass and me here alone.

“I think I’ll pick Delta,” she says, just to
spite me.
Whatever.

There’s a light knock on the door, but I’m
the only one who hears it. It’s Nate. I know it’s Nate. I actually
recognize his knock, which is dangerous and scary, and makes my
heart feel panicky things that I don’t like. He knocks again, this
time a little louder, and Cass stands up from her bed and walks
over to let him in. Ty is with him, and I’m relieved.

“Hey, ladies. Your heroes have arrived,” Ty
says, tugging on the loops of Cass’s jeans and pulling her onto his
lap. She giggles when he does, and just watching them makes me
smile. Everything is so…
easy.
I look at Nate, and he’s
smiling just like I am when looking at his brother and Cass, and I
wonder if he’s feeling the same longing and reservations.

“Took you long enough. I’m starving!” Cass
says, grabbing her purse and looping it across her body. “We’re
going to grab dinner at the cafeteria. You coming, Rowe?”

“Oh, no. I’m fine. I’ll just eat something
here.” My excuse floods from my mouth quickly, maybe too
quickly.

“You don’t have anything. Come on, just
come,” she says, reaching for my hand and pulling me to a
stand.

“I’ll go,” Paige says, pulling the extra
layer of shirt off of her arms to make sure the one-size-too-small
tank top is squeezing her boobs enough to make part of them spill
out. I don’t want to go. I don’t do public places well, especially
cafeterias that are crowded with people. But Paige is already
positioning herself close to Nate, and she’s making excuses to
touch him, pointing to something on his shirt and lifting the back
of his shirt to “look at the tag on his jeans to see what kind they
are.”

“Okay, I’ll go.” I don’t know what I’m doing,
and I don’t know how I’m going to survive this. But thank you,
jealousy, for being a force to be reckoned with, perhaps the only
emotion strong enough to conquer fear.

We’re walking out the door, and my heart is
pounding so fast I honestly think I might have a heart attack. I
try to keep my arms out to my sides because my armpits are sweating
profusely. I’ve never been so nervous in my entire life.

“Whose phone is ringing? Cass is that you?”
Paige says, tugging at her sister’s purse. She’s on the other side
of Nate, and has to reach across him to reach Cass, which is the
only reason she is doing that, and I know it. I know it because
it’s my phone that’s ringing, and every single one of us knows it.
It’s obvious, and Paige is pathetic.

“It’s mine. You guys go ahead. I’ll catch
up,” I say, pulling my phone out and seeing my mom’s contact
info.

“I’ll wait. We’ll catch up,” Nate says,
leaning against the wall and nodding to me to take my time. He’s
waiting. For me. And I’m so glad, but also mortified that he’s
going to hear me talk to my mom. And she’s going to ask questions.
Personal ones—ones that I don’t want to answer in front of
him
.

“Hi, Mom,” I say, trying to sound just the
right mix of positive and neutral.

“Well, you sound good,” she says, already
analyzing. My mom is an economist. But somewhere along the way she
decided she’s also Dr. Phil.

“Yeah, just going to get some dinner. What’s
up?” I say, trying to urge her to be fast, but also not encourage
too many questions.

“You’re going out?”
Shit.

“Yeah, I’ve made some friends. My roommate is
really nice. We’re going to eat.” I spare a quick glance at Nate,
and he’s grinning at me. I’m so embarrassed that he’s listening,
because I know my mom is about to go on and on about how important
friends are, and how proud she is of me for trying hard. And there
she goes.

“Honey, you’re doing so well. This is only
going to get easier, too. Friends are an important part of the
healing process…”

I tune the next part out, because I’ve heard
this speech before. Friends equal healing, yeah…got it. Ross said
this to me once in a joint session with my mom, and she clung to
it. I don’t think she even knows what those words mean anymore, she
just repeats them to me over and over—like it’s a cheer—until I
reach the invisible finish line.

“Look, Mom. I’m sorry, but they’re waiting on
me. I don’t want to make them wait,” I say, staring right at Nate,
who’s the only one really waiting.

“Okay, well, call me tomorrow. Let me know
how classes go,” she says, not hanging up right away.

“Right. Okay, love you,” I say, suddenly
really dreading the idea of going to the cafeteria full of people.
But there is some truth to what my mom says—friends are part of
healing.

“Ready?” Nate says, kicking off from the wall
and holding his arm out for me. I don’t take it—not because I don’t
want to, because
god, do I want to
—but because I don’t like
what it means if I do. I used to take Josh’s arm. He used to sprint
from his class to mine, waiting for me outside my door just to walk
me to my next class. It was
our
thing, and I think that
means it can’t be a
thing
I do with anyone else.

I can tell I’ve made him uncomfortable by the
way he’s standing in the elevator, like he’s afraid of offending
me. He’s all the way in the opposite corner—giving me space since I
refused to touch his arm. I like Nate. And I want to be his friend
because I like being close to him. And that has to be enough.

We stop on the second floor, and two girls
get in. They notice us standing at opposite corners. “He farted,” I
say, partly wanting to see how uncomfortable it makes these two
girls—because, like, who the hell takes the elevator for one floor?
And, I want to bring back Nate’s smile, which I seem to have done.
Teeth. Dimples.

“Ooooooh, yeah. Sorry ladies. I think I may
have sharted,” he says, and I cover my mouth with an actual
snort-laugh while my cheeks burn with the brightest shade of pink.
The two girls just stare ahead, eyes wide, leaning their arms into
one another, waiting to discuss this elevator ride. When the door
opens, I slap Nate on the arm, pushing him off balance a
little.

“I cannot believe you said that!”

“Hey, you left me little choice. You should
know—I don’t lose the embarrassment game. If you think you want a
piece of this, consider this fair warning. You’re going to lose,
every time.” He’s so sure of himself that it stirs another feeling
in my belly. I used to be competitive—I was even that way with
Josh, always having to one up his test scores, and run my mile just
a little faster in PE.

“Oh yeah? You think I’m scared off by that?”
The look in his eye and the way he smiles—biting his tongue with
the back of his teeth while he listens to me—is enough to pull me
all the way in. “I just felt bad for you. Those girls think you’re
a sharter. You’re never getting in their pants now.”

“I don’t
want
in their pants,” he
says, the same look on his face, and I feel like there is a double
meaning to his words. My lungs feel tight with hope I shouldn’t
have.

“It’s on,” I say, turning to look back in
front of me, my eyes focused on the two doors leading into the
cafeteria. This step is so amazingly huge—I wish someone in my
inner circle were here to witness it. I know that distracting
myself with Nate is the only reason I’m now pushing the doors open
and stepping inside the noisy room full of tables and chairs and
strangers. My lungs grow even smaller and tighter when I do, but my
feet keep moving.

Yes, friends help you heal. But Nate is
stronger than that. And he’s bringing back pieces of me that I
thought were dead for good.

“Hey, guys. Sorry we’re late. Rowe got a
phone call that her ointment was ready. We had to go pick it up.
That’s the one that helps with the…
burning…
right?” Nate
fake-whispers, holding my gaze to see how I handle his challenge. I
fight against myself, knowing how badly my eyes want to show shock,
and my cheeks want to flair up with embarrassment. I used to be
good at this. And I think I can do this again. I remember
friends
.

“Yeah, it’s way better now. That stuff works
really fast,” I say, and his lips tick up at the corners into a
tiny smile. “Too bad about your pants, though.”

I leave everyone hanging, because I know if I
wait long enough, someone will take my bait. It won’t be Nate. He’s
too good, and he knows exactly what I’m doing. He even sees me grab
the bottle of water in line and slowly pull off the cap. I’m pretty
sure I can count on Paige, though, and when she’s the one to ask, a
little tiny part of my world feels right again for the first time
in months.

“What happened to your pants?” Paige asks.
Check
.

“Oh, I thought everyone knew. Nate’s
incontinent. He pissed himself on the way over here,” I say,
tipping the water bottle enough to spill down the back of his
jeans, but behind him, so no one really sees while we’re standing
in line. He doesn’t flinch, but instead, stands there perfectly
still while I soak his pants.
Checkmate
.

“Yep, totally pissed myself. Just gonna have
to sit in my urine all day I guess. Who’s hungry?” he says,
flipping up an apple and lodging it in his teeth while he grabs a
tray and moves down the line in his dripping wet pants. Cass and
Paige stare at him, completely lost over what just happened, and Ty
laughs and shakes his head, grabbing a tray to follow his
brother.

Nate is the challenger I always wanted, and I
like him more than I thought I did. I like him more than I should.
And a little part of me is okay with that.

Chapter
9

Nate

“Cass, pleeeeeeaase just trust me. Rowe will
be totally okay with this. Just let me do it.” I’ve been pleading
with Rowe’s roommate for the last twenty minutes. I loved seeing
that side of Rowe, the side that jokes and smiles, and doesn’t take
things seriously. I went to bed thinking about it. I woke up
thinking about it. I thought about it through my two morning
classes. And now I’m here, standing in her room with her dresser
drawer in my hand.

“Uuuuuugh! Fine! But don’t get me involved in
this stupid war you have going with her. If she asks, I had nothing
to do with this, okay?” Cass grabs her backpack and slings it over
her shoulders to go to class. I salute her and cross my heart; she
sighs again before she turns around.

“You love me, and you know it,” I shout over
my shoulder as she’s about to leave.

“She better not!” I hear Ty’s voice a second
later.

“Hey, what’s up?” I say to him as I start
flipping over every single one of Rowe’s drawers. It’s a tricky
prank, because I have to hold her clothes inside with one arm while
I slide them in. I spend a little longer than I should on her
underwear and bras, which Ty points out immediately.

“This is a new level of creepy, bro. Even for
you,” he says, stopping right next to me, but reaching his arms
over to help me hold her clothing in.

“Just a little prank,” I smile.

“Oh, that’s a good one. I’m in. This one
Cass’s?” he asks, pointing to the dresser next to Rowe’s. I just
shrug because honestly the only things I’ve ever noticed in this
room all belong to Rowe.